By |

Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

By |

Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

By |

Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville said he called Donald Trump on January 6th to say Mike Pence was evacuated as rioters stormed the Capitol. Tuberville said “Mr. President, they just took the Vice President out..” Trump was satisfied that the hit he ordered was completed.

Kevin Hart was allegedly defrauded by his personal shopper for over $1 million in credit card charges. Although Hart was happy the 1 million Chase Freedom Unlimited reward points never expire.

Britney Spears has not seen the controversial ‘Framing Britney Spears’ documentary, because her conservator/father won’t pay for her cable bill.

Actress Gina Carano was fired from Disney + Star Wars drama ‘The Mandalorian’ following posts comparing being Republican to being a Jew in Nazi Germany. A Disney spokesperson said hurtful speech about Jews has been forbidden there for at least a year or two now.

Shia LaBeouf has entered an inpatient treatment program to deal with issues related to abusive behavior, after someone tricked him in to thinking he’ll be roommates with Marilyn Manson.

Hustler Magazine founder Larry Flynt passed away. If you’re sending flowers, make sure they’re pink.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she’s ready to accept if Donald Trump Jr. proposes. She added that she feels like they’re already married, because he finally gave her the name of his coke dealer.

Aaron Rodgers is confirmed to be engaged to actress Shailene Woodley, star of the ‘Divergent’ films. “Divergent” will also describe their respective locations while Rodgers lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin during football season.

Hormel is acquiring Planters Nuts in a $3.4 billion deal, with part of the money going to surgically repair Mr. Peanut’s bad eye.

A plastic surgeon successfully removed Gorilla Glue from Tessica Brown’s head during a 4-hour procedure. However, the same doctor needed multiple sutures to close scalp wounds after Brown ran her two-inch fingernails through her hair.

By |

A man in his underwear ran onto the tarmac at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, jumped on the wing of a Delta plane, and pounded on the windows while yelling at the passengers inside. He was then joined on the wing by several others once Delta announced the final boarding group for the flight.

Toys R Us officially closes the doors on all of its stores Friday, becoming Toys WR Us.

Actress Shailene Woodley said she was “f—in miserable” eating a 350-calorie-per-day diet for her latest film ‘Adrift’ where she portrays a woman lost at sea. Woodley now says she is “still f—in miserable” because no one saw the movie.

Costco is partnering with food startup Apeel Sciences to sell avocados treated with a natural coating that makes them last twice as long — up to 2 hours.

Minor league baseball team Staten Island Yankees is rebranding as the Staten Island Pizza Rats for several Saturday games this summer. However, the change angered Italians on Staten Island, who canceled Italian Heritage Night at the park. Instead, Staten Island Italians will celebrate their heritage by sitting on their porches in wifebeaters.

President Trump is reportedly consulting with advisers to identify a successor to White House Chief of Staff John Kelly.  Front-runners are Mike Pence’s Chief of Staff Mike Ayers, Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney, and Apprentice Champion-slash-Poison lead singer Bret Michaels.

On average, one person was murdered every 15 minutes in Mexico in the month of May. And that’s just from the unlimited well drinks at Sandals.

Toy Story Land opens at Disney World this weekend, offering something for children and adults; new attractions include Slinky Dog Dash, Alien Swirling Saucers, and the Bo Peep Show.

California just passed the strictest online privacy law in the country, allowing residents to dictate if their personal data can be sold. Lawmakers in Mississippi are also considering online privacy laws, but first need to understand how the dang Internet works, anyhow.

A shortage of carbon dioxide is causing the U.K. to ration beer. Queen Elizabeth can now only get hammered four nights a week.