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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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The first wave of lawsuits over workplace deaths during the COVID-19 pandemic have started. So far, most of them are targeting meatpacking plants, filed by the families of cows.

A 2004 video surfaced of Donald Trump being denied in-person voting at multiple NYC locations because he wasn’t registered at them. To prevent being refused service in the future, he proceeded to register at 36 metropolitan NYC McDonald’s restaurants.

Ellen Degeneres issued an apology for allowing a toxic work environment at her daytime talk show. She also apologized for the time she gave the audience books and socks during the 12 Days Of Holiday Giveaways.

Google’s in-home assistant Nest Hub Max added new games you can play on the device, including ‘Trivia Crack’, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’, and ‘Guess What We’re Doing With Your Social Security Number’.

Jeff Bezos dropped $10 million on a property adjacent to the Beverly Hills estate he recently acquired for $165 million. And by dropped, he literally had $10 million fall out of his pants as he walked by it.

Comcast lost 477,000 cable tv customers between April and June, and found another 500,000 on hold waiting to cancel.

Walt Disney World closed Tomorrowland’s Carousel of Progress for a day – and renamed it Platform Of Repair.

Coca-Cola will enter the hard seltzer market with a brand called Topo Chico – which translates loosely to ‘drink of top-heavy chicks’.

Nicki Minaj’s husband, a felon and convicted sex offender, asked a judge to be present when his pregnant wife’s baby breaks out of jail.

Nicole Denison, 29, a flight attendant for Allegiant Air, was arrested for assault after she returned home to find another woman, and her husband in the upright & locked position.

 

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CBS cancelled ‘God Friended Me’ after two seasons. Its rumored replacement is ‘God Wants NCIS: Miami’.

Bill Peters, former coach of the NHL Calgary Flames who was fired for using slurs, was hired by Russia’s KHL. “Alright, let’s get skating (Russian word for fa**ots)!!”, said Peters.

Best Buy furloughed 51,000 employees in what will forever be known as ‘The Geek Squad Massacre’.

The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms. They’re the Kansas City Chiefs uniforms and are hoping no one notices when they show up to grab the rings.

Returning Peace Corps volunteers will be eligible for expanded COVID-19 unemployment benefits, but many are more interested in how many of those malaria vaccines are still left.

Deceased Americans are receiving stimulus checks, report their now-less-sad relatives. 

March, 2020 was reportedly the first March without a school shooting since 2002 – unless, of course, you count all of the homeschool shootings. 

Burger King and KFC are planning limited reopenings in the U.K., for Brits nostalgic to get sick the way they used to before COVID-19.

Walt Disney World released its first-quarter injury report. It included older park visitors fracturing their legs, riders with chest pains, and a large, half-naked duck with severe sunburn. 

The Los Angeles Rams’ Brian Allen became the first known NFL player to test positive for COVID-19. He’s sitting alone in the blue sideline tent waiting for someone to tell him what to do. 

 

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A 104-year-old Minnesota woman recovered after a bout with coronavirus. Details of her treatment were not revealed, but it’s believed the virus choked to death on the dust.

Google and Apple are collaborating on a smartphone app where users self-report exposure to coronavirus to enable contact tracing. Tinder and Match are collaborating on their own similar app, to enable contact banging.

Walt Disney World is furloughing 43,000 employees, and is now the Emptiest Place On Earth.

Mossimo Giannulli – co-defendant with wife Lori Loughlin in the college admissions scandal – berated a guidance counselor who questioned whether his daughter was a college-level rower. It’s believed to be the first time someone has questioned the expertise of a guidance counselor.

Smoking pot makes users more susceptible to lung damage from coronavirus. Experts advise the best way for them to stay safe is to stay inside, alone, and smoke pot – which they’re pretty okay with.

A female zebra in Kenya mated with a donkey and gave birth to a rare ‘zonkey’. In a related story, a male zebra in Kenya filed for divorce.

Ronda Rousey said she quit WWE Wrestling because of the ungrateful fans. WWE fans want her to return so they can properly hate her back.

Dallas Cowboys stars Ezekiel Elliott and Dak Prescott appeared to violate stay-at-home guidelines, attending a birthday party rumored to have 30 people at Prescott’s home. No arrests were made, but they may face penalties for too many women in the huddle.

One of the nation’s largest pork processing plants is closing due to a rash of employees infected with coronavirus, and pigs social distancing.

Theater chain AMC is reportedly in bankr talks – but not until after the movie.

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A guest at Walt Disney World shared video of smoke pouring from the entrance to the PeopleMover ride – next to where Huey, Dewey & Louie stood red-eyed & coughing as they passed something behind their backs.

Rod Stewart allegedly punched a security guard at a private New Year’s Eve party in Palm Beach, Florida. A court date was set for early February. Stewart, through a spokesman, said “If you want my body, and you think I’m guilty, come on let me know.”

U-Haul said it won’t hire nicotine users in the 21 states where it’s legal to do so. They say they only want the healthiest workers renting oversized, heavy trucks to inexperienced drivers who crash them.

Samsung was rumored to be working on a project called ‘Neon’ – believed to be an “artificial human” – but which, on closer inspection, turned out to just be a really quiet Korean guy.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick refused to answer questions about his team’s future following their season-ending defeat, saying he can’t do so until video assistants give him information about other teams’ futures.

A Japanese businessman paid $1.8 million for a 612-pound bluefin tuna, then set a world record for giving the largest number of people bad breath.

Ahead of Marvel Studios summer blockbuster ‘Black Widow’, comic book website CBR listed Black Widow’s superpowers. They include super intelligence, super healing, super lifespan, and the super ability to get a movie made about the most boring Avenger.

Walmart plans to grow business by offering more upscale alcohol options in stores. The biggest challenge is convincing high-end wine and liquor makers to put their products in jugs with NASCAR logos on them.

Following the airstrike that killed Qassem Soleimani, a man eulogizing the Iranian leader offered an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump. Eric & Don Jr. promptly invited their Dad on a rhino hunting trip, with a 24-hour layover in Tehran on the way home.

Keep Labs won an innovation award at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show for a product that locks up cannabis products to keep them safe and fresh. It opens via fingerprint recognition, because most users are too baked to remember combinations.

Also at the Consumer Electronics Show, the Consumer Technology Association is permitting the display of, and awards for, sex toys. Or, as they’re known outside of Las Vegas, prostitutes.

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Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

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Match, parent company of Tinder, is suing its dating app competitor Bumble, saying that Bumble stole Tinder’s ‘swiping’ and ‘women make the first move’ ideas.  Before the matter goes to court, Match, Tinder & Bumble are going out for coffee with their gay friend Grindr to see if they can work things out.

Sex And The City actress Cynthia Nixon is challenging incumbent Andrew Cuomo for the Democratic nomination for Governor of New York State. She’s narrowed her campaign slogans down to “Nixon – A Name You Can Trust” or “I Was The Dumpy One, So You Know I’m Good At Politics”.

An Arizona pedestrian was struck and killed by a self-driving Uber. Worse, the car was texting.

Delta Airlines is apologizing for misrouting a puppy on a cross-country flight. The puppy departed Richmond, VA bound for Boise, ID but was sent to Las Vegas. The puppy was finally reunited with its owner, but was hungover and broke.

Here’s Ivanka Trump preparing for a romantic evening with Jared Kushner as they contemplate having a fourth child:

Ivanka lab photo

Police in Glendale, Wisconsin are looking for a woman who assaulted a McDonald’s employee for putting sausage on her breakfast sandwich instead of bacon. Wisconsin lawmakers responded by approving a bill to train McDonald’s employees in using handguns.

Women’s motorcycle land speed record holder Valerie Thompson survived when her streamlined bike crashed at 343mph. Thompson lost control of the bike when she passed her friend wearing a cute top and tried to flag her down to see where she got it.

Star Millie Bobby Brown tweeted support to a young boy after his sister posted on Twitter that none of his friends showed up to his Stranger Things themed birthday party.  Brown asked for an invite to next year’s party, while police worked to identify the bodies of the invitees who had been eaten by a demogorgon.

Walt Disney World reopened its “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, after removing a scene depicting shackled women being auctioned as brides. The scene has been replaced with a ship being hijacked and the crew murdered, along with its renaming to “Somali Pirates of the Caribbean”.

Scientists in South Carolina found that a small daily dose of Viagra reduced the development of colorectal cancer in mice, and made the mice too busy to care about their colorectal cancer, anyway.