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House GOP Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy recounted his recent trip with the President aboard Air Force One, saying that Trump loves Starburst candies, but only the red and pink ones. Asked who gets the yellow and green ones, he said “some kid Barron something”.

Police in Knoxville, Tennessee investigated an alarm at a Boost Mobile store and found it was caused by a raccoon. After checking his credit score, the raccoon learned he was able to get a new phone from a better service provider and left.

Danica Patrick confirmed that she’s dating Aaron Rodgers. Patrick announced her retirement from NASCAR in 2017, but expressed her excitement at still being able to qualify for the pole.

Natural Cycles, a contraceptive app approved as a form of contraception by the European Union, has been hit with a complaint after being blamed for 37 unwanted pregnancies. Natural Cycles launched an investigation, but in the meantime urged pregnant mothers to try its other app, Find That Guy I Had Sex With.

A man traveling from Iceland to England was arrested at the airport for attempting to avoid excess luggage fees by wearing eight pairs of pants and ten shirts. Airport security patted him down layer by layer, and he boarded a flight two days later when they finished.

A newborn baby boy was found abandoned at the Tucson International Airport on Sunday night. The baby was found in good health, and his first words were “please get me out of Tucson.”

The Japanese city of Gamagori issued a citywide emergency warning after a supermarket mistakenly sold lethally poisonous blowfish.  The search was later narrowed to specific women who had redeemed buy-one-get-one-free coupons for lethally poisonous blowfish.

A British Airways crew assigned to a flight from London to Ghana refused to work when the aircraft was discovered to be infested with bedbugs, and the bedbugs refused to be reassigned to coach.

The Google Art & Culture app has become a viral hit, two years after its initial release. Among its features, it matches users selfies with historic portrait works of art. For instance, photos of the President and his cabinet in the Oval Office were matched to Dogs Playing Poker.

McDonald’s announced a new Green initiative, to use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging by 2025. McDonald’s said it’s dedicating the initiative to all of its most loyal customers who have asked for the change but won’t live to see it.

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A USA Today story highlights that many of the drones people bought for Christmas have gone missing during flight. Users are upset at the money they spent, and the lost video footage of neighborhood women changing clothes.

Boeing revealed a prototype drone capable of hauling 500 pounds. The drone’s most recent test flight at max payload successfully delivered the President and his golf clubs to Florida.

CVS has banned photo manipulation for pictures appearing on beauty brands in its stores. Activists consider this a huge victory in the fight against unrealistic body images, and a huge defeat for models with zits.

Mitt Romney said that President Trump’s comments that certain foreign nations were “shitholes” is ‘antithetical to American values’. Trump clapped back saying that he was not anti-thetical, before asking an aide if “theticals” meant black people.

A Pegasus Airlines jet carrying 168 passengers slid off the runway at Turkey’s Trabzon airport and dangled nose down off of an adjacent cliff. No passengers were injured, but the captain announced that they were last in line for takeoff.

Actor and comedian Aziz Ansari issued an apology for trying to get laid.

ESPN announced a new morning show to compete with major networks. The 3-hour program, ‘Get Up’, will be hosted by Michelle Beadle, Mike Greenberg, and Jalen Rose. ESPN promises viewers interactive segments, like guessing which host will be the first one fired for sexual misconduct.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders accused Amazon’s Alexa voice assistant of shipping her an order for an $80 Batman toy because her 2-year-old repeatedly shouted “Batman”.  President Trump repeatedly denied saying “shithole” in an Oval Office DACA meeting, but his order history showed Alexa shipped a child’s training toilet to the White House.

The Emergency Management worker who mistakenly activated an incoming ballistic missile warning for Hawaii has been reassigned. He now greets tourists at the airport, puts a lei on their neck and tells them “it’s been nice knowing you.”

Amazon announced that it’s upgrading Alexa to offer not just facts and recommendations, but ‘her’ own opinion on TV shows, beer and more – followed by extended periods of silence toward guys when they ignore it.

 

 

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A school district in Niagara County, New York paid a $10,000 settlement to a 10-year-old girl who suffered frostbite while snowshoeing in gym class. Cases are pending from other students who broke their legs warming up doing jumping jacks with the snowshoes on.

The Wall Street Journal reported that lawyers for President Trump made a $130,000 ‘hush payment’ in 2016 to porn star Stormy Daniels in exchange for her silence regarding a meeting with him. No word on how much was paid to the President’s fluffer.

A 55-year-old Texas woman accused of fatally shooting her husband had recently done an Internet search for “how to kill someone and not get caught.” She then started a search for ‘how to permanently delete browser hist–‘ but then got distracted and searched ‘gun dealers’.

President Trump completed his first physical exam since taking office. The physician declared Trump to be “in excellent physical condition”, disappointing millions.

A Florida man was attacked by a bear in his backyard, since it’s believed alligators have the week off.

Sea lions have reportedly attacked four swimmers in San Francisco Bay. The sea lions bit the swimmers, before telling them this spot was ‘locals only’ and returning to surfing.

A judge in Pennsylvania ordered an Amish family to connect their outhouse to the local municipal sewer system, even though the electric motor required to do so violates their religious beliefs. The Yoder family has yet to comply, while saying it’s dangerous having to hold it while they buggy to their cousin’s outhouse two towns over.

Police chased down a Greyhound bus after receiving a 911 call from a passenger claiming that someone on the bus had a gun and was threatening them. Cops eventually apprehended the man, and the remaining passengers resumed their singalong.

WWE woman superstar wrestler Paige announced her retirement, citing a neck injury. She had hoped to return to the ring, but WWE specialists said that her neck isn’t responding to treatment with folding chairs and piledrivers.

A 20-year-old Florida man came forward to claim the $451 million Mega Millions jackpot. Women at his community college told local reporters that they’d never noticed until now just how cute he is.

Flu activity in the U.S. is reported as widespread in every state except for Hawaii. Emergency rooms say that they’re overwhelmed with visitor volume – but are thankful that people without health insurance are probably toughing it out at home.

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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth fired her 82-year-old bra fitter, June Kenton, over Kenton’s book titled Storm in a D-Cup. There’s that, and the fact that they’re both too old to pick up big, heavy things off the floor.

Teens are putting Tide detergent pods in their mouths and recording it as part of the Tide Pod Challenge. Procter & Gamble said that people shouldn’t put Tide pods in their mouth; but if they do, they’re likely to get twice as many views as the leading bargain brand.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, scientists have discovered layers of water ice buried feet beneath the surface of Mars. “Ask if they have lemon” said a researcher from Philadelphia.

First Lady Melania Trump hired 27-year-old Reagan Thompson to be her new director of policy. Thompson is to advance Mrs. Trump’s signature policies including reducing bullying, helping children, and wearing white after Labor Day if you’re visiting a disaster area like Puerto Rico or Houston.

Saudi Arabia opened its first new car showroom just for women, in advance of the country allowing women drivers for the first time. Four women suffered minor injuries in a pileup at the ladies room.

President Trump repeatedly asked lawmakers attending a meeting on DACA/Dreamers legislation why the U.S. should take in immigrants from “shithole” countries like Haiti and African nations. GOP lawmakers co-sponsoring the bill replied:

  • For the great health care;
  • Because they need guns;
  • They were in line way ahead of the Puerto Ricans.

A malware bug, labeled Adult Swine, is causing children’s game apps in the Google Play store to display pornography.  A Google spokesperson urged Android users to avoid downloading ‘Pokemon Gangbang’.

The Las Vegas Convention center experienced a power blackout during the Consumer Electronics Show. No injuries were reported, however, Las Vegas emergency rooms were backlogged treating men who’d been tasered by ‘booth babes’.

A U.K butcher locked himself in a walk-in freezer, then used a large frozen sausage as a battering ram to break free. Asked why he used the sausage, he said he got the idea after calling his wife.

Abyss Creations showed off its new ‘Harmony’ sex doll at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show. The new version has swappable faces so a single doll can be two different women, a feature added after owners complained about having to take ‘no’ for an answer.

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Missouri Governor Eric Greitens admitted to an extramarital affair, but denied allegations of blackmailing his mistress with a nude photo taken during their meeting. “Show us!” said Missourians.

The U.S. Army is having difficulty finding physically fit recruits due to the U.S. obesity problem. The good news is that the Army is making money from hilarious obstacle course videos with the unfit recruits they do get.

James Franco has been accused of sexual misconduct by five women, including one on the set of 127 Hours, where she says Franco touched her with the hand that wasn’t stuck under a boulder.

Congressional Democrats are planning to wear black and bring sexual assault survivors as guests to President Trump’s first State of the Union address. Asked if she planned to wear black, First Lady Melania Trump said it depends on whether she can find the right shoes.

Walmart is raising its starting wage to $11/hour and giving $1,000 bonuses to eligible employees in response to the U.S. tax cut. Bonus recipients have various plans for the money, although most said they’ll use it to escape poverty for a few days.

China blocked the Marriott Hotels app and website as punishment for listing Tibet, Taiwan, Macau & Hong Kong as separate countries – frustrating U.S. college students booking Spring Break trips to Tibet to find enlightenment and get wasted.

YouTube is punishing Logan Paul for his infamous ‘suicide forest’ video. In addition to making it harder for advertisers to find and place ads on his videos, Paul will have to watch 200 hours of Philadelphia Eagles fan videos discussing their upcoming game in the NFC Divisional Playoffs.

An analysis from Rhodium Group cites the U.S. Transportation Sector – cars & trucks – as the largest source of harmful greenhouse gas emissions for the second consecutive year, followed by the Energy Sector, and the Fast-Casual Mexican Dining sector.

Pizza Hut is working with Toyota to deliver pizzas in driverless vehicles. Early trials have been a mix of successful deliveries and errors – such as vehicles driving through front doors trying to hit the doorbell, and a high rate of cars quitting to start a band.

Some women participating in the 2018 Women’s March on January 20-21 are planning to ditch last year’s popular pink ‘pussy hats’, which they say exclude transgender women and women of color whose genitals aren’t pink — and besides, it hides their kicky new haircut.

 

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A couple who met on an Internet dating site were found guilty of plotting an ISIS-inspired bomb attack during Christmastime in Britain. During questioning, the man admitted to being lured by the catchy jingle of Terroristsonly.com

According to CBS News, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has told workers to decide by the end of January if they plan on leaving in 2018.  “Probably” replied Melania.

Former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told CNN that former Trump chief strategist Steve Bannon was a “bad hire”; causing Homeland Security to raise the Domestic Irony Threat Level from Orange to Red.

Steve Bannon stepped down as President of Breitbart News Network on Tuesday. Breitbart released a statement that Bannon was leaving to focus on a new site dedicated to couture fashion, grooming and sobriety.

A Louisiana woman lured an Uber driver to her house where she kissed him while topless so that her boyfriend could rob him. The couple were arrested. The woman received a one-star review for the cancelled trip, and a three-star review for her breasts.

A new study links ibuprofen to reduced sperm count in men, although the study’s author warned women asking if their partner ‘has protection’ should not accept ‘Advil’ as an answer.

A Philadelphia woman had her money and car stolen by two other women while she worked out at Planet Fitness. The thieves remain at large, and the victim was barred from Planet Fitness for judging them.

Harvey Weinstein was pummeled by a man in a drunken rage at an Arizona resort, after Weinstein refused to pose for a photo with him. Police arrested the man and Weinstein returned to his room, put on only a bathrobe, and waited for help to arrive.

According to the Daily Mail, 95-year-old Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee has been accused of sexual harassment by female nurses. The women allege that Lee groped them, walked around naked in their presence, and repeatedly asked if their Spidey Sense was tingling.

Airfare data firm Fare Compare released its list of the “Worst Days to Fly” in 2018. Dates include Presidents Day weekend, the March start of Spring Break, and red-eye flights after any pilot’s birthday happy hour.

 

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President Trump took the field for the National Anthem played before the College Football National Championship game in Atlanta. Clips showed Trump singing along with part of the song, but not all of it. The anthem finished, and he asked what happened to his hot tea before launching into ‘Vision of Love’.

Apparel retailer H&M is under fire for a photo of a black toddler modeling a sweatshirt reading ‘Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’.  Even angrier are the parents of an Asian toddler modeling a ‘3rd-Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’ sweatshirt.

A new study in the journal Health Affairs states that a child born in the United States has a 70 percent greater chance of dying before adulthood than children born into other wealthy, democratic countries. The main causes are the U.S.’ fragmented health care system, and the high numbers of Southern children getting guns for their 10th birthday.

A U.S. spy satellite launched by SpaceX is believed to have been destroyed after failing to reach orbit. Or…has it?

A Florida man was arrested for public intoxication and shoplifting; as he left a grocery store, police searched his pants and found a full rack of ribs, two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. He faces petty theft charges and an angry girlfriend, whose salad he forgot.

Democratic lawmaker Michelle Lujan Grisham – leader of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus – said that she will try to crash a bipartisan meeting at 11:30 a.m. with President Trump regarding immigration. Her attendance is expected to be rejected, since they only ordered a dozen Big Macs.

85-year-old former Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced that he’s running for Arizona’s Senate seat in 2018. He’s backed by everyone who’s seen his medical charts that thinks they can win a 2019 special election.

Americans’ credit card debt hit a record high of $1 trillion in November, entitling them to $35 cash back and a free companion airline ticket.

North Korea and South Korea are having their first diplomatic talks in two years, where they’re expected to discuss nuclear treaties, border security and the winner of the kimchi cookoff.

Samsung debuted its 146-inch ‘Wall TV’ at the Consumer Electronics Show, in a simulated living room with a single La-Z-Boy recliner and a five-foot tall stack of empty pizza boxes.

 

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The FoldiMate – a $980 machine that folds, irons and perfumes clothes – was shown off at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. However, its makers were arrested when federal agents examined one and found a 50-year-old-man inside.

A 99-year-old Mississippi woman shot and killed a deer a few miles from her rural home. The deer was 97.

Eighth graders in Arkansas 3D-printed a new foot for a duck that didn’t have one. Said one of the children “you don’t eat a duck like that all at once.”

Takata’s airbag recall has been expanded to an additional 3.3 million vehicles. “Well, I guess that’s all of ’em” said Takata’s CEO.

The last Boeing 747 jet flown commercially by a U.S. carrier was retired when Delta flew it to an airliner graveyard in Arizona. A different jet will be sent in six months to pick up the 75-year-old flight attendants working on it serving peanuts and Coke to coyotes.

Two Apple investors have requested that the company do more to limit children’s iPhone use. Apple said that they will consider scaling back the hours of children making them.

Sources say that Oprah Winfrey is considering a run for President in 2020. The rumors appeared to be confirmed by a leaked version of her ‘2020 My Favorite Things’ list that includes Air Force One and nuclear weapons.

The hottest new fitness app is Sweatcoin, which rewards users for steps that they take outdoors, redeemable for merchandise. So far, over 10,000 Fitbits have been earned by stray dogs.

Amazon is partnering with matchmaking company Three Day Rule to provide dating tips via the Alexa assistant. Three Day Rule & Alexa’s suggestions include striking up conversations with strangers and asking if they’re a cop.

Dunkin Donuts announced that they’ve removed all artificial dyes from its doughnuts. Customers say they can’t taste the difference, since their taste buds have been melted off by the coffee.

A water main break at JFK Airport caused extensive flooding. Emergency crews and stranded passengers teamed up to save the Cinnabons.

 

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TV ratings for NFL football dropped 10% this year, after an 8% drop last year. Commissioner Roger Goodell hopes to reverse the trend by allowing fans to binge-watch full seasons at once.

Tiangong-1, a 9.4-ton space station launched years ago by China, will make a planned crash into Earth as winter ends. It will be visible in the night sky going slower than usual with its turn signal left flashing for the duration of reentry.

Mark Zuckerberg said that his personal challenge for 2018 is fixing Facebook, while a majority of Americans state their personal challenge for 2018 is fleeing Facebook.

A Connecticut man faces animal cruelty charges for ripping the heads off of 20 chickens in a “jealous rage” after seeing pictures of his wife partying with other people on Christmas.  Horrified witnesses described the scene as ‘a lot of running around.’

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is taking a medical leave of absence after brain surgery to correct these blood clots on the brain. “What are subdural hematoma?” said his doctor whose cash winnings total over $15,000 dollars.

Amazon is bringing Alexa to wearable fitness trackers, just as soon as the company can program a few dozen ways for her to tell you that you’re ‘big boned’.

Apple confirmed that all of its Mac and iOS devices are susceptible to hacks from the newly-discovered Meltdown and Spectre bugs, but that updated batteries are available for just $29 if you want your devices ruined faster.

According to an expose in Indian newspaper The Tribune, India’s national ID database – containing personal information for a billion residents – is available to anyone willing to pay $10 to a mysterious man known as Anil Kumar. As to the extent of the damage from identity theft, the report says it’s too soon to Patel.

GoPro laid off between 200-300 employees in its drone division, as seen in an overhead video of sad people carrying cardboard boxes to their cars.

Cold temperatures in Florida are causing iguanas to drop out of trees. Since the iguanas could be carriers of dangerous salmonella bacteria, residents are advised to leave them alone and let them fall into sinkholes once it warms up.

 

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The White House banned staffers’ use of personal cell phones in the West Wing. President Trump believes that this is necessary to improve his odds of claiming a cash prize in HQ Trivia.

Thomas Monson, President of the Mormon Church, died at age 90. Donations to the church are requested in lieu of flowers, because that could get expensive sending them to all eight of his wives.

Subaru announced its largest vehicle, the Ascent SUV. It has 19 cup holders and seats eight — two of them on toilets.

It was revealed that a security flaw exists in almost all Intel microprocessors that makes them susceptible to attack. Experts believe that this creates the largest-ever credible alibi for how that porn got on your computer.

Hanson Fitness, a SoHo gym in NYC, will offer a nude full-body-conditioning class starting January 5th. It’s believed to be the first class of its kind, in that all participants are offered blindfolds.

The father of a girl who stabbed her classmate in an offering to the fictitious ‘Slender Man’, is angry that Sony Pictures is releasing a Slender Man movie, without so much as giving his daughter an audition.

Yahoo Sports released video of Olympic snowboarder Shaun White smashing his face on the lip of a half-pipe in New Zealand, requiring over 60 stitches. They’re now calling him The Flying Tomato…Sauce.

Taco Bell is adding seasoned Nacho Fries to their menu in January, and will train counter staff to ask customers if they want fries with their ulcers.

Macy’s is closing more stores and announced 5,000 layoffs. So before you ask if that register is open, the answer is no.

Donald Trump’s personal lawyers sent a cease & desist letter to the publisher of Michael Wolff’s new book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House . The letter claims that the book contains false & baseless claims, and fewer pop-ups than the author promised.