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SunTrust and BB&T banks are merging and changing names to Truist. Asked to use it in a sentence, the CEO said “the Truist way to profitability is bounced check fees.”

A government watchdog group has recommended that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway be removed. The group is the Department of Hair, Makeup & Wardrobe.

  • They asked that Trump go too, but can’t do anything to a sitting President.

The Toronto Raptors won the NBA title, defeating the Golden State Warriors in six games. Prime Minister Trudeau’s staff is busily scheduling the team’s visit to 24 Sussex for a champion’s heat lamp buffet of McPoutine’s and Back Bacon King.

The New York Times shared a preliminary design of the Harriet Tubman $20 bill. It was reworked following a first draft showing Thomas Jefferson next to Tubman asking her out for drinks.

Scientists at Florida State University’s ‘MagLab’ – for the study of magnetic fields – have made the world’s strongest magnet. They’ve already received inquiries from Floridians interested in sticking an alligator to their refrigerator.

President Trump announced the departure of Press Secretary Sarah Sanders at a White House event promoting second chance programs for convicted felons. This way, their applications will be on top of the pile.

Nintendo is considering a move of its manufacturing operations out of China – to avoid U.S. import tariffs, and based on intelligence that Mario may be sharing intel secrets.

Bentley introduced a new sedan with a top speed of 207 miles per hour. Still, the 2020 Bentley Flying Spur is no match for the 1940 Oak Tree.

Google is ending integration of Google Photos and Google Drive. They say users find it ‘confusing’, adding that the move will make it much easier for Google to dis-integrate your content.

The first Democratic presidential candidate debates will air over two nights, June 26 & 27, on NBC Networks. Viewers are being tricked into watching by ads calling the debates ‘This Is 20 Of Us’.

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President Trump defended comments saying he’d accept dirt on a political rival from a foreign power, tweeting that he meets many international leaders, including the ‘Prince of Whales’ – the guy who won that Sumo tournament he watched in Japan.

The St. Louis Blues are National Hockey League champions after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their playoff final. President Trump is expected to invite the team to the White House, including their newest star, Stanley Cupp.

Amanda Knox visited Italy for the first time since her 2011 acquittal of murdering her roommate. She’s expected to speak on a panel addressing media influence, and to admit that, despite spending four years in Italian prison, the food there is really great.

Singer Maren Morris posed topless for an upcoming issue of Playboy. She told fans “why don’t you just meet me in the middle?”…but was informed she didn’t get the centerfold.

You can now sign into your Google Account using iOS on an Android Phone. Try explaining that to your Dad.

Paul McCartney releases his first children’s book, ‘Hey Granddude’ in September. It’s about kids and grandparents having fun. His first manuscript ‘Grandpa Married & Divorced A Woman With a Prosthetic Leg’ was rejected by publishers.

American Airlines flight attendants are going to court to protest an attendance policy  they consider cruel. If a flight attendant accumulates 10 ‘points’ in a year for unapproved days off or lateness, a human resources rep stands & points to the exit as they’re fired.

The owner of Bombay Grill in Utah refused to allow military veterans to eat there because they were accompanied by service dogs. He defended his actions, saying the dogs tend to wipe out the whole buffet.

A German state is shutting down its Facebook page over privacy concerns, disappointing the many followers of Das Kitten Videosen.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is reportedly pregnant with a third child, and the first she’ll carry in the absence of terrible golf puns.

The New England Patriots have filed tampering charges against the Houston Texans for allegedly courting Pats’ director of player personnel Nick Caserio for their vacant GM job. The NFL will review the case with both the pot and the kettle.

 

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Doctors treating a teen girl in China for five days of constipation found 100 tapioca ‘bubble tea pearls’ in her abdomen. She was given laxatives and told to prepare herself for the worst string of pearls she’ll ever get.

Joe Biden made a campaign stop in Iowa, calling President Trump an ‘existential threat’ to the country. Trump, also in Iowa, said Biden should know better than to throw five-syllable words around in the nation’s heartland.

Kevin Durant of the Golden State Warriors rejoined the team for their Game 5 NBA Championship win over the Toronto Raptors, but left the game with a ruptured achilles tendon. The achilles tore when Durant told it he wanted to try playing defense.

A mental health facility is suing actress Amanda Bynes for an unpaid bill. Bynes said she’d be crazy to pay it.

Kim Kardashian West shared a photo of daughter North wearing a fur coat, adding that she’s had all of her favorite fur coats remade with fake fur. “Thanks” said the families of dead chinchillas.

United Airlines said its ConnectionSaver tool is now available to let passengers with tight connections possibly hold their departing flight. United said 14,400 passengers in four months had their connections saved, and they can’t wait to start gouging passengers for using it.

Siam Corner Thai Kitchen in Stamford, CT was closed when a decomposing human body in an apartment over the restaurant leaked through the ceiling. No foul play is suspected, despite the body being covered with ice and liberally sprinkled with MSG.

Investigators believe California’s biggest wildfire, the Mendocino Complex Fire, was caused by sparks from a rancher plugging an underground wasp nest with a metal spike. The rancher will not face criminal liability for the fire, but was charged with 100 counts of waspicide.

New York City police are seeking a woman with a baby strapped to her chest and pushing a stroller, who punched a subway passenger in the face for bumping into her. Witnesses say the woman’s baby asks permission before breast feeding.

Uber debuted a new self-driving vehicle, the latest step in its quest to make cheapskate passengers feel better about not tipping.

 

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Mary Duggar, 73, grandmother of the tv-famous Duggars, passed away at age 73. She is survived by a list of family members too numerous to go into.

Patricia ‘Tan Mom” Krentcil is hospitalized with pneumonia and is in a Florida intensive care unit in a medically-induced coma. Doctors removed fluid from her lungs and sprayed it back on her skin.

  • Hers is the only bed in Intensive Care located on the roof.

Los Angeles politicians agreed that the city’s homeless population needs more restrooms, so they agreed to build 20 new public libraries.

ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ visits Philadelphia on Thursday, where it will be called ‘What Do You Want, America?’.

The total number of homes being “flipped” declined in the first quarter of 2019 versus a year ago. Experts say the drop is caused by flippers who quit after figuring out everyone doing it doesn’t get a tv show.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck 20 miles from Cleveland, then left to go shake up someplace fun.

Researchers found the whooping cough vaccine loses effectiveness as kids age. They studied children who didn’t get vaccinated until after age 7, whose parents thought it would be no big whoop.

Rob Kardashian launched the Halfway Dead clothing brand. It’s a skate-oriented brand named after the way Rob Kardashian ended up the one time he tried skateboarding.

Britney Spears shared her conspiracy theory that paparazzi are doctoring photos of her to make her look fat. Fans are backing her up, saying they think their smartphones are doing the same thing.

Nestle, Mars & Hershey have gone back on their promise to ensure that their chocolate is harvested without child labor. Human rights activists call this the worst violation they’ve encountered since the Keebler Cookie Scandal.

 

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Science & art festival ‘Maker Faire’ has halted operations and laid off all 22 employees, many of whom can now be seen at ‘Job Faire’.

New York City’s Four Seasons luxury restaurant is closing, after finding diners preferred Five Guys.

An 81-year-old Florida man is suing Jaguar, saying the automatic door on his $96,000 car tore off a portion of his thumb. He plans to take the fight all the way to the Supreme Court of Rich White Guy Problems.

Brad Pitt ordered organizers of the controversial Straight Pride Parade to stop using his likeness in their promotions. Straight Pride leaders are unfazed, having already secured Toby Keith as backup.

Dunkin’ warned customers of its Turnersville, NJ location they may have been exposed to Hepatitis A if they visited the store between May 18 and June 1, or if they ate a Glazed Hepatitis donut.

A Pakistan Airlines passenger delayed his flight by seven hours, opening the emergency exit door before departure, thinking it was the bathroom. He jumped on the inflatable emergency slide and messed up the tarmac.

Justin Bieber Tweeted to challenge Tom Cruise to a cage fight – ideally, to the death of both.

O.J. Simpson said in a telephone interview that he now lives a solitary life in Las Vegas, in what he calls the “No Negative Zone” – he only wants to be around, and murder, positive people.

YouTube superstar JoJo Siwa had her tween make up kit recalled from retailer Claire’s after the FDA found asbestos in it. Besides the mesothelioma risk, the FDA said that asbestos would prevent young girls from looking like ‘fire’.

Celine Dion ended her 16-year residency at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. With Dion’s show ending and Britney Spears on hiatus, Carrot Top has started singing lessons.

 

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New York City police seized 46 ice cream trucks for $4 million in unpaid tickets accumulated over 10 years. Owners will fight the charges, and Mister Softee was freed on $250,000 bail.

California lawmakers want to remove single-use plastic toiletry bottles from hotel rooms. Shampoo & conditioner will be placed in shower dispensers; to get hand lotion, men will need to bring their own or make an embarrassing purchase in the hotel gift shop.

April the Giraffe – mother of five calves at Animal Adventure in Upstate New York – is going on birth control, after a third zoo worker nearly died trying to put a condom on her boyfriend.

To prevent President Trump’s threatened tariffs on exports, Mexico offered to send its National Guard to the U.S. border, to make sure nobody enters the U.S. illegally without carrying drugs.

Doctors in New York removing a brain tumor from a 42-year-old woman ended up extracting a tapeworm. The parasitic worm was found to have consumed a lot of recipes and memories of Real Housewives episodes.

Michael Dougherty, director of ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ said in an interview that any movie would be made better by Godzilla showing up 20 minutes in – drawing unanimous agreement from anyone who’s watched ‘Sex And The City’ films.

The New England Patriots gave out their largest-ever Super Bowl rings at a private party at Robert Kraft’s house – although Kraft asked two guests from Orchids of Asia Day Spa to remove theirs before the evening’s entertainment started.

New smartphones from banned Chinese manufacturer Huawei will ship without Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. Huawei execs reassured concerned buyers that they’ll still find a way to harvest & sell personal data.

A Washington Post report claims Walmart workers in stores using robots feel undervalued performing tasks like cleaning & inventory delegated by the machines.  Walmart is reprogramming the robots to be more likable, teaching them to vape & make sexual remarks about coworkers.

2006 QV89, an asteroid wider than a football field, could hit Earth this year. Thousands of amateur astronomers are frantically giving it directions to the White House and Mar-a-Lago.

 

 

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A new Gallup poll reveals 25% of Americans have “major money worries”, with a majority expressing regret for the day their “major money worries” were born.

Researchers studying sparrows and finches say they line nests with cigarette butts to ward off parasitic mites, but they also have difficulty flying long distances on account of smoking all those Marlboros.

Tom Rice, 97, a U.S. paratrooper who survived D-Day, relived it 75 years later by skydiving to the same spot. Everything went great until he landed and chased sunbathers on Normandy Beach with a bayonet.

Actress Marcia Cross says that her anal cancer is linked to her husband’s throat cancer, and nobody wants to hear more details.

Apple is launching a menstrual period tracking app to advise women when their period starts. Husbands and boyfriends of women with PMS can use it to avoid them.

Google is enhancing SOS Alerts – its warning feature for those in the path of natural disasters – with ‘visualizations’ of floods, hurricanes & earthquakes. “Look kids!..here’s what’s going to level our house!” said a Dad gathering kids around his phone.

Amazon claims that, within months, it could have drones delivering packages under five pounds up to 15 miles, thanks to guidance they’ve received consulting with drug dealers.

GM plans to offer airless, puncture-proof tires on new vehicles, starting with the 2024 Chevy Big Wheel.

Walmart is swapping out its workers’ blue vests – introducing grey vests with neon accents, which they say will make it easier for customers to locate sleeping employees.

Bernie Sanders introduced a shareholder resolution to put hourly workers on the Walmart Board of Directors. The move was defeated, with many hourly workers voting against it thinking they’d get a sore ass sitting on a board.

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President Trump joined world leaders to pay tribute on the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Trump said if someone with his IQ were president then, it would have been A-Day.

Officials in British Columbia claim opioid addicts are cutting down trees to trade timber for heroin. Police are constantly on the lookout for strung out men and women with a lot of splinters.

Retail analyst NPD group say thong sales are on the decline among women, while full-coverage women’s briefs are rising, then hopefully dropping if the relationship goes well.

A woman was asked to leave an Erie, Pennsylvania Golden Corral because the manager deemed her crop top and short-shorts “too provocative”. Social media users reading her story were shocked – that Golden Corral actually has a dress code.

‘Queer Eye’ style consultant Tan France writes in his new memoir that he worked as a flight attendant when he was younger. He quit after just two months, but said he still struggles to let guests at his house have an entire can of soda.

Tariffs on Mexican imports may cause drastic price increases at Chipotle. When customers add guacamole, instead of saying it costs “a little extra”, workers will offer customers financing for their burrito.

A new study claims people who only drink bottled water ingest up to 100,000 microplastic particles per year. Bottled water makers updated their marketing to call bottled water “a great source of synthetic fiber”.

A ban on U.S. tourism to Cuba in now in effect. The State Department named the new restriction Close, But No Cigars.

A tour company is charging $6,000 for a three-night Nevada excursion called ‘Sex Island’, where guests are promised unlimited sex with two differnt women each day. Critics are angry that it exploits women, and guests are angry that they have to pay $29/day for internet.

Florida man Tommy Burns and his mistress, Amanda Love, are charged with conspiring to kill Burns’ wife. All Burns wanted was Amanda Love, and all she wanted was a man ta’ love.

 

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California health officials announced their findings that coffee doesn’t pose a significant cancer risk – at least not until Dunkin opens more locations there.

Build-A-Bear will open shops inside Walmart stores, where children and parents can build sad bears.

Lab testers Quest Diagnostics said over 11 million clients’ financial and health information were exposed in a data breach, including the 2% who actually passed their drug screening.

Forbes named Jay-Z “hip-hop’s first billionaire” – news that shocked an Adidas-track-suit-wearing Warren Buffett.

Researchers say octopuses may become more popular research animals than lab rats, because they offer relatively easy genetic sequencing, and because you can inject them with eight vaccines at once.

A man visited all 419 U.S. National Parks in one three-year journey. He made the trek alone, in order to avoid children asking him 40,000 times if they were there yet. 

New research concludes feeding mosquitos sugar makes them less likely to bite – but feeding them diet cola makes them more likely to order the larger Value Meal.

An Australian study claims a “high likelihood” of civilization collapsing by 2050 due to climate change. That’s the bad news; the good news is now many more people have enough money saved for retirement.

President Trump and his family attended a fancy state ball at London’s Buckingham Palace, where the Royal Family treated their guests to a buffet from McDonald’s and KFC.

Khloe Kardashian escorted a superfan to his high school prom in Glendale, California. Over the course of three hours, Kardashian arrived, married the captain of the basketball team, and he cheated on her.

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New research from the CDC claims we still don’t know how many diseases are caused by tick bites. “We just want to surprise humans to keep the relationship fresh,” say ticks.

The “10,000 Steps” rule is challenged by new research claiming longevity benefits are achieved walking just 4,400 steps/day, ending at 7,000 steps. The study followed a guy walking 18 holes of golf who had a heart attack at 7,100 steps.

A Louisiana Catholic School principal was fired after his arrest at a DC strip club during a school field trip. He was charged with disorderly conduct for yelling at the dancers to put their school uniforms back on.

The 91-year-old mother of ‘El Chapo’ Guzman obtained a visa so she can travel from Mexico to visit her son in a New York prison. She wants to bring him enchiladas, as soon as she arrives via the tunnel beneath the jail.

A female swimsuit model ran on the field during the Tottenham/Liverpool Champions League Soccer Championship to promote her boyfriend’s porn website. She avoided contact with players, but a few flopped anyway out of habit.

Apple plans to discontinue iTunes, but will introduce new music apps to sync with Apple devices and destroy your content.

Pamela Taylor, a West Virginia official who called Michelle Obama “an ape in heels”, will serve 10 months in jail for defrauding FEMA out of $18,000. Ironically, she’ll be safest in her new jungle when she’s locked in her cage.

The White House created a tool for users to report anti-conservative media bias. It’s called the Fox News app.

A trade group warned U.S. airline profitability will drop 20% this year. In response, airlines will charge passengers for the bags under their eyes.

President Trump denied calling Meghan Markle ‘nasty’, despite audio of him saying it. He plans to fix the issue just as soon as he can grab her pussy.