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An 18 year-old competitor in the Wimbledon Junior Men’s Draw was ordered by tournament officials to change his underwear before a match, to comply with the All England Club’s ‘all-white’ apparel rules. The player complied, and swore off eating Taco Bell.

A security breach resulted in 6 million Verizon customers’ personal data being leaked online. The customers’ identities can now be stolen with 99% reliability.

NASA’s Juno mission has returned images and other data from Jupiter, with NASA scientists claiming Jupiter is nothing like they expected it to be.  Jupiter plans to update its Tinder profile.

Earlier this week an Evangelical group met with President Trump in the Oval Office. The members prayed with him, with some ‘laying hands’ on Trump, at least until the burning sensation overcame them and forced them to pull their hands away.

President Trump visited France at the invitation of newly-elected French President Macron. Along with their wives, they toured Napoleon’s Tomb. Trump said of the visit that Napoleon is both a “high quality person” and “one of his favorite ice creams.”

GOP Senators unveiled their newest draft health care bill on Thursday. Analysts say the bill features low-cost plans at bare-bones prices, while critics say the plans aren’t even health insurance, they’re just memberships to Planet Fitness.

TIME magazine provided a sneak peek at its upcoming cover, featuring Donald Trump Jr with red hands. TIME famously put President Trump on its cover as Person of the Year; Trump Jr may end up being Person Sentenced to Several Years.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley sent a letter to Donald Trump Jr asking that he testify before the Senate Judiciary committee about his meeting with a Russian lawyer. Grassley said he would have emailed, but that he didn’t want, like, the whole world to see it.

A ‘Kid Rock for Senate’ website has emerged, leading to speculation that Kid Rock will run for a Senate seat in his home state of Michigan. Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent swiftly volunteered to join the ticket as Vice Senators, before being told there is no such thing.

Thursday is National French Fry Day — which is like Prime Day, only for heart disease.

The left tackle on Kansas State’s football team has come out as gay. He described the response to his announcement as overwhelming love and support – despite coming from the blind side.

 

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The U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships begin this weekend at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. No word on whether Donald Trump will attend to grab ’em by the putter.

Christopher Wray, Trump’s nominee for FBI Director, vowed independence, telling a Senate Confirmation Panel that he will not be “pulling punches”. Senate Democrats responded saying it was fine with them any time he wanted to punch President Trump.

Scientists confirm that a giant iceberg has broken free of Antarctica. The iceberg is said to be the size of Delaware, and about three times more fun.

A report from The Daily Mail states that NBC has cancelled ‘The Biggest Loser’. The report cannot be confirmed by NBC programming executives, who are refusing to weigh in.

Quentin Tarantino has announced that the subject for his next film will be the Manson Family – as the director pursues a move to more lighthearted fare.

Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC is using trap-and-neuter feral cats from area animal shelters to control its rodent problem. So far the cats are working for food and shelter, but rumors persist that the cats have been approached by the Teamsters.

The NBA has changed its rules regarding timeouts. Each team will get 7 timeouts per game, down from 9. The change is meant to improve the pace of play, and because the dancers were having trouble memorizing so many different routines.

  • Courtside celebrities like Jack Nicholson criticized the reduction in timeouts, saying they weren’t doing his overactive bladder any favors.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is halfway through his ‘personal challenge’ to visit the 30 states he’s never been to. Some of the states Zuckerberg had never seen are Alaska, Iowa, Mississippi, Minnesota, and Poverty.

A new step counting study from Stanford University shows that China is the least-lazy country, with residents averaging 6,990 steps per day. The laziest country was Indonesia, averaging 3,513 steps per day. Said an Indonesian “we’re starving!”

  • The United States was the fourth-laziest country at 4,774 steps per day. Complicating matters were the number of American participants leaving their step tracker on the couch.

A new study states that young children who don’t get 9 to 11 hours sleep per night will age faster than those who do. The study was funded by new Ambien for Toddlers.

Clint Eastwood has cast the three California friends who thwarted a terrorist attack on a French train in 2015 to play themselves in the new film ‘The 15:17 to Paris’. Asked why he cast real people instead of actors, the 87 year-old director yelled “Cut!”

 

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has delayed the Senate’s August recess in hope of getting the GOP Health Care Bill revised and passed. McConnell is waiting for D.C. to become hot as hell before attempting to get it to freeze over.

In the wake of the revelation that Donald Trump Jr met with a Russian lawyer to gather ‘dirt’ on Hillary Clinton, his father, Donald Trump, released a statement describing his son as a “high quality person”. Trump became the first sitting President to defend his child via a 3 1/2 star Yelp! review.

Donald Trump Jr stated that he released the heretofore private emails in the interest of offering “transparency”. Which is like a guy getting caught in a prostitution sting and emailing the evidence to his wife, because “transparency” fixes everything.

Warren Buffett donated $3.2 Billion in Berkshire Hathaway shares to charity. President Trump said that he, too, would donate billions to charity if he wasn’t being audited..and if he actually had billions of dollars.

80 Florida beachgoers formed a human chain to save a family from drowning in rip currents. 70 were tourists, 5 were lifeguards, and 5 sold ice cream as the chain formed.

Spain’s Iberia Airlines is under fire for requiring pregnancy tests from female applicants for flight attendant positions. The carrier defended the practice, saying they wanted to give some good news to select applicants that didn’t get the job.

  • United Airlines defended the practice, saying it’s extremely difficult for pregnant flight attendants to drag passengers off of planes.

A Watertown, NY man has constructed a “Blessing Box” – an unlocked food pantry located on his front lawn – to help the less fortunate. He claims that he’s helped feed dozens of needy families, and countless raccoons.

Facebook hinted at plans to add advertisements to its Messenger chat app — at least until you figure out how to Leave The Conversation.

Shares of Snapchat have fallen below their $17 IPO price amidst mounting losses. Owners of Snapchat stock now have an exclusive filter where they can make themselves look like jackasses.

The University of Washington has created a prototype mobile phone that doesn’t require a battery. The phone runs on ambient radio waves and solar power. The good news is that there’s no battery; the bad news is that on rainy days you lose your charger.

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A fugitive from a South Carolina prison used wire cutters dropped from a drone as part of his escape plan. He was captured in Texas, but prison officials are now banning inmates from joining Amazon Prime.

The World Health Organization issued a warning regarding a new antibiotic-resistant strain of Gonorrhea, dealing yet another blow to the already-reeling tourism business of Atlantic City, NJ.

Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump met at the G20 Summit in Hamburg. The meeting was scheduled for 45 minutes but lasted over two hours — the extra time was used for Putin to edit and approve Trump’s tweets.

  •  At one point, Melania Trump entered the meeting in an attempt to end it. The President told her she’d just have to go see the Spider Man movie without him.

Vice President Mike Pence was photographed touching equipment at the NASA Kennedy Space Center clearly marked with at DO NOT TOUCH sign. He was embarrassed, and also worried that he may have been touching a female rocket.

A Kenyan marathoner attending college in Maine said that he had to escape two black bears he encountered during a training run. The bears pursued him, but eventually gave up after getting shin splints.

Activists are planning sit-ins to protest the GOP Health Care Bill, which they feel will prevent them from two-hour sit-ins in the waiting room of their doctor.

Workers at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello believe they’re unearthed slave living quarters once occupied by Sally Hemmings. They found walls, a fireplace, and notes on the bed signed by Tommy Baby.

Sears & KMart announced they’re closing over 40 more stores, part of their “Going Out Of Business Any Day Now” Sale.

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Lindsay Lohan tweeted that everyone should “stop bullying” President Trump. “Mission Accomplished!” said Melania Trump, declaring her long-awaited anti-bullying campaign a success.

CEO Elon Musk blamed battery shortages for slower-than-expected shipments of Tesla electric cars, claiming that batteries are even harder to get now that most Radio Shacks are closed.

QVC is acquiring Home Shopping Network, making it the Amazon of Old Southern Ladies.

New research from the University of Pennsylvania says that being the target of ‘trash talk’ can make you motivated and more productive. “I’ll say! How do you think we got that nuclear missile done so fast?” said Kim Jong Un.

Doctors writing in the Journal of Otolaryngology reiterated their opinion that cotton swabs should not be used to clean ear wax. Q Tips responded with a new ad campaign touting the benefits of nose picking.

President Trump is set to meet Vladimir Putin in Poland. Asked if he required a Russian-to-English translator, Trump said no, that he’s a smart guy and can read lips.

Melania Trump joined her husband in Poland, touring the Copernicus Science Center in Warsaw. She was presented with a 3D-printed high-heeled shoe by a student. Melania asked if she could return the shoe for store credit.

Madonna shared a letter from the late Tupac Shakur, which he sent from prison and admitted to ending their romance because she was white. “It’s not me, it’s you” he wrote, continuing “I hope that we can remain Thug Friends.”

Amazon.com is partnering to make and sell wine. The FAA has already reported a spike in drunk drones.

Ronda Rousey appeared on Live With Kelly & Ryan to promote her captaincy on the reboot of Battle of the Network Stars – a captaincy which ended in a first-round knockout at the hands of some kid from the Disney Channel.

The mother of a 2 year-old boy had to hold him in her lap on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, even though she bought him a ticket. United mistakenly sold his seat a second time. Although the toddler remained on the flight, United still dragged his teddy bear up the aisle and off the plane.

The owner of Hobby Lobby was fined $3 million for illegal smuggling and possession of biblical artifacts from Iran. He is also ordered to return the artifacts, just as soon as he removes the glitter paint and stickers from them.

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Licensed Nevada prostitutes have formed Hookers for Healthcare to protest GOP plans to repeal Obamacare. The prostitutes are worried about losing their healthcare, and about losing customers who pay them with Obamacare for outpatient treatment.

  • When hearing about the group, GOP Senators invited them to D.C. for a closed door meeting with the President.

Eminem’s Instagram followers expressed confusion and dislike at the artist’s new beard. Like his rap, the beard is not quite black.

The average FICO credit score for U.S. residents hit 700, or ‘Good’ for the first time. “Fake news” said the President, whose score hovers around 400.

MIT and Harvard researchers have developed tattoos that change color based on wearer’s glucose, pH & sodium levels. There are no plans to release the ink to the general public, at least not until there are more diabetic biker gangs.

Google’s Boston labs have built a 6′ 6″ wheeled humanoid robot that can jump, spin and lift weights. But for right now it wants to chill until basketball practice.

ABC ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ has resumed production after resolving allegations of sexual misconduct, but with stricter rules for contestants. Alcoholic drinks are limited to 2 per hour, and producers must pre-approve sex between participants. ABC is changing the name of the show to Bachelors Like, Totally Bail On Paradise.

Nike confirmed plans to open an Amazon shop for customers who like typing longer URLs.

Halle Berry – the first black woman named Best Actress – said her Oscar means “nothing”. She said this during a screening of Catwoman.

The Wilshire Grand Center, at 1100 feet, is the new Tallest Building in Los Angeles. It boasts the city’s highest open air bar, a viewing deck, and takes 2 hours to get to from anywhere in Los Angeles.

Greta Van Susteren is leaving MSNBC just six months after joining the network from Fox News, saying she wasn’t sexually harassed enough.

Argentinian Soccer Superstar Lionel Messi is engaged to marry his childhood sweetheart. Groupies are heartbroken but remain committed to a Messi breakup.

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Donald Trump tweeted attacks at the hosts of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”, saying host Mika Brzezinski was “bleeding from a facelift” during a January visit to Mar-A-Lago. First Lady Melania Trump defended her husband’s tweets, and asked Brzezinski if she used the doctor she’d recommended.

White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders also defended the tweets, telling Fox News that Trump “fights fire with fire”..and that he’d have tweeted the fire emoji if he knew how to find it.

The Chicago Cubs visited President Trump at the White House. The last time the Cubs won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was President. Hearing this, Trump used the opportunity to brag that he carries a bigger stick.

Senator Ted Cruz posed with the Cubs World Series Championship trophy, finally giving Cubs fans a reason to regret winning it.

The state of California may require a warning on weed killer Roundup after research showed that active ingredient glyphosate is carcinogenic. The study followed dandelions that contracted cancer from Roundup.

  • Monsanto, the makers of Roundup, called the research “fatally flawed”. Monsanto is now hiring a new copywriter for their press releases.

McDonalds restaurants in India’s capital of New Delhi are all closing down temporarily as a result of expiring operating licenses — not because of Vindaloo McNuggets casualties.

Instagram introduced a new tool that blocks offensive comments, and also blocks spam in comments. As a result, Kardashian Instagram snaps have 90% fewer comments, and people may never know how to make money working from home.

#HeterosexualPrideDay is trending on Twitter, presumably because of people who like really boring parades.

City of Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams pled guilty to multiple bribery related offenses, thereby ending government corruption in Philadelphia for a few seconds.

An Indian doctor has created “Laughter Yoga”. It’s just regular yoga, where you don’t have to pretend you’re not laughing at the injuries, falling and farting.

The Atlanta Hawks debuted planned renovations to their home arena, including a bar behind the basket at floor level. The Hawks wanted to add convenience for groupies and people who don’t want to watch the game.

Jaguar has introduced the quickest passenger vehicle it has ever produced. At 592 horsepower, it goes from zero to the repair shop in under four seconds.

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Pornhub debuted a new channel of interactive videos that work with “connected male sex toys”. A Pornhub exec said that videos to work with connected women’s toys is in the works, but that guys always come first.

Facebook has hit 2 Billion monthly users – each of whom are really, really pissing somebody off right now.

  • While there are 2 Billion users, your Mom wonders why nobody liked that video she posted.

Bill Cosby issued a statement “the current propaganda that I will conduct a ‘sexual assault tour’ is false.” Cosby went on to say that his sexual assault touring days are behind him.

Chernobyl Nuclear Plant was a victim of a recent malware attack – with attackers downing computer systems in exchange for ransom.  A spokesperson for Chernobyl Nuclear said “eh, things have been worse.”

16 Million Americans in Southern California, Southern Nevada and Arizona are under a heat advisory. Residents are advised to check on elderly persons — or at least the ones that they like.

The CEO of Olive Garden told investors that sales are up 4% this year and that, surprisingly, 30% of their customers are Millenials. The other 70% pay the checks for meals, but 30% are Millenials.

Actress Michelle Rodriguez took to social media to say that the Fast & Furious films need more strong female voices. Producers plan to address her request by casting future movies with more chick cars.

A Verizon exec took a swipe at phone service rival T-Mobile, saying in the wake of a recent outage that T-Mobile “doesn’t work on Thursdays”. T-Mobile scheduled a conference call to address the issue on Friday.

 

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Britain’s government is giving Queen Elizabeth a 78% annual pay raise, from $54.6 to $97 million. The main reason is for repairs to Buckingham Palace, although Her Majesty was seen driving a Lamborghini and sporting a new platinum dental grill.

Pandora CEO Tim Westergren has resigned, following a week of Pandora aggressively suggesting playlists of breakup songs.

Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has delayed the Senate vote on Trumpcare; according to insiders, the bill is “hanging by a thread”. Incidentally, that thread is not covered by Trumpcare.

A global shortage of bee and wasp venom is worrying the medical community, who need the venom for allergy vaccines. The shortage is being blamed on global warming, and on the bees’ & wasps’ demands to be paid a living wage.

Japan’s postal service is selling postage stamps featuring Super Mario, Princess Peach, Luigi and Toad. Donkey Kong and Bowser stamps were pulled since they kept wrecking letters.

Deceased artist Salvadore Dali’s body will be exhumed as part of a paternity suit against his estate. A 56 year old woman claims that she is a legitimate heir; Dali’s family claims their father has been framed.

A Czechoslovakian nuclear power plant angered women by holding a Bikini Photo Contest to determine which interns would be hired. The women were further angered when they found out all of the winners were men.

 

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Chinese officials are cracking down on the latest toy craze – a tiny crossbow that costs a dollar and can shoot toothpicks over 60 feet. One 10-year old boy has suffered eye damage, presumably after his friend tried shooting an apple off of his head.

  • Here in the U.S., illegal imports of the crossbow have been used in several daring daylight candy store robberies.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop.com website was smacked down by NASA for incorrectly stating that “healing stickers” sold on the site used carbon fiber technology from NASA spacesuits. NASA said it was a lie. Paltrow replied saying “Astronauts read Goop.com!”

The White House once again held its daily press briefing off camera. CNN sent a sketch artist to record the proceedings – their first drawing was of Spicer trying to take his colored pencils away.

The Center for Disease Control released their annual survey of teen sexual behavior. Teens stated their top 3 birth control methods are condoms, withdrawal, and pills. In other words, condom breaks, do it anyway, get Plan B.

The contestant contract for ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise was leaked — men & women appearing on the show agree not to hold producers liable even if the contestants are lied to, injured or contract an STD. The contract is supposedly modeled after Donald Trump’s prenup.

Martha, a 3 year old Napoleon Mastiff was named World’s Ugliest Dog at the annual contest in California. Martha’s owner describes her as “snoring, drooling and gassy”. Martha describes her owner as “no picnic either”.

Rumors are swirling that Pandora CEO Tim Westergren will soon be out. He’s tried meeting with the Board of Directors, but they’re using all of their skips to avoid him.