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Sylvester Stallone is reportedly angry that MGM is making a spinoff film about Ivan Drago and his son, saying the studio is “exploiting” his characters. Stallone made the comments from the Ft. Lauderdale set of the upcoming ‘Rocky’s Spring Break‘.

Cassadee Pope, past winner of NBC’s The Voice, clapped back at criticism that no one from the show ever got famous, saying she was just booked on the Emo’s Not Dead music cruise. Pope will be in charge of the salad bar.

January 6th rioter Guy Reffitt was sentenced to 7 years in jail for carrying a gun into the Capitol and threatening violence against Nancy Pelosi. He is, however, now eligible for the special ‘Patriot Rate’ for a burial plot at Trump National golf course.

Adolf Hitler’s gold watch – inscribed with his initials and a swastika, sold for $1.1 million. It was reportedly looted from his mountain hideout, and appraised at a recent stop of Nazi Antiques Roadshow.

A new study states eating ultraprocessed food is linked to cognitive decline in the area of the brain that controls ‘executive function’ – leading to the executive decision to have hot dogs for dinner every night.

Ayman al=Zawahiri, leader of Al Qaeda, was killed in Kabul, Afghanistan. al-Zawahiri was killed by Hellfire missiles launched from a drone whie he stood on his balcony. His reported last words were: “those are some big shooting stars”.

A defense expert claims the examination of the vape cartridges in Britney Griner’s luggage violated Russian law, adding that it might be the biggest human rights violation perpetrated by Russia in recent memory.

Larry Rudolph, a multimillionaire big-game hunter and dentist from Pennsylvania, was found guilty of killing his wife while on an African safari. Rudolph contended it was an accident, and that he lovingly mounted her head on the wall of his den.

A Mississippi Airbnb listing of ‘former slave quarters’ has been removed from the service. The owner had categorized it as a ‘bed and breakfast and 12 hours in a cotton field’.

Following the Sesame Place controversy, a New Jersey mother is claiming the Chuck E. Cheese mascot ignored her black daughter’s request for a high-five. The costumed rat defended his actions, saying he wasn’t ignoring her, she was just out of tokens.

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Cat food brand Fancy Feast is opening a two-day pop-up Italian trattoria restaurant for humans in New York City. So far, no one has applied for the short-term job scooping the restrooms.

A passenger entering Australia after a flight from Indonesia was fined $1,874 for failing to declare two Egg McMuffins in their luggage. Australia has strict new biosecurity measures to prevent illness from Indonesian McFoot & McMouth Disease,

Nichelle Nichols, Lt. Uhura from Star Trek, passed away at 89. According to her manager, she’ll only appear at Trek conventions for just two more months.

Someone turned in 62 3D-printed ‘ghost guns’ at a Houston gun buyback event, collecting a $150 gift card for each. The owner said the guns are no good to him anyway, because the bullets fly right through the ghosts.

Spectrum Cable was ordered to pay $7 billion in damages to the family of an elderly Texas woman murdered by one of its employees. Spectrum plans to appeal the award, and raised the family’s bill by ten bucks a month.

Because he got a foot-long back tattoo with Subway sandwich shops new Subway Series logo, a Las Vegas man now gets free Subway sandwiches for life. He plans to eat Subway cheesesteaks and meatball subs every day for the rest of his life – about 14 months.

Applebee’s launched a line of lip gloss that tastes like chicken wings – good news for men who like the taste of chicken wings, and kissing 70-year-old ladies who buy lip gloss at Applebee’s.

The NFL plans to suspend Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson for six games, following its new “one game suspension for every five sexual assaults” formula.

Taylor Swift’s team rushed to her defense after a report stated her private jet took 180 trips in seven months, making her a “climate criminal”. They say the trips weren’t all hers, since she routinely loans her jet out so her two cats can visit out-of-town family.

Elon Musk’s father Errol said he’s not necessarily proud of his billionaire son, and that he needs to lose weight. It’s difficult to know how Elon will react to the stinging criticism from the guy who knocked up his stepsister.

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The Arizona Cardinals removed a clause from QB Kyler Murray’s new contract requiring four hours of film study each week after Murray called it disrespectful. Murray puts in over four hours each week thanks to a Pornhub Premium subscription.

Spanish prosecutors say they’ll seek an 8-year prison sentence for global superstar Shakira, who they say failed to pay over $24 million euros in taxes. If they succeed, incarcerated lesbians plan a cellmate lottery to determine who she’ll bunk with.

While hosting a Saudi-funded LIV Golf event at his New Jersey club, Donald Trump said “nobody’s gotten to the bottom” of 9/11. He expects it’ll also take at least 22 years to get the bottom of 1/6.

Washington DC Mayor Muriel Bowser is asking for help processing over 5,000 migrants bused to the nation’s capital by Gov Greg Abbott after entering the U.S. in Texas. She said she wouldn’t be concerned if not for the free AR-15s Abbott gave them as a parting gift.

Record flooding in Kentucky led to the deaths of 15 people, mainly those who’d told friends & relatives they were excited about all the new swimmin’ holes.

Will Smith posted a YouTube video apologizing to Chris Rock for the Oscars slap. Smith added “I’m human and I made a mistake and I’m trying not to think of myself as a piece of s–t”, referring to Collateral Beauty.

Charles Barkley turned down a big-money broadcasting and appearance offer from the LIV Golf tour. Barkley said he arrived at his decision after considering his current network and sponsorship deals, and after reminding himself he sucks at golf.

Monkeys are terrorizing residents of Yamaguchi in southwestern Japan, with some entering homes and snatching babies from nurseries. Parents are happy to get the babies back, but are also glad for a few free hours of monkey day care.

A Reddit user and Cast Member at Disneyland said his pay at the theme park was so low, he turned to sex work in order to make ends meet. He said that pay wasn’t great either, but it was better if he kept the Minnie Mouse costume on.

A video screen toppled at a Hong Kong concert by Cantonese pop group Mirror, injuring two dancers. The show was halted, but the group vowed to continue their Seven Years Bad Luck Tour.

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Sprite will switch from green to clear bottles in order to make the plastic more recyclable. Meanwhile, Mountain Dew may move exclusively to aluminum cans & bottles so no one ever has to see what it looks like.

Sesame Place theme park is now the target of a class action lawsuit over racial discrimination, accusing costumed characters of ignoring black children. Sesame Place offered no comment through its game show host-turned-attorney, Guy Smiley.

The family of deceased Kyung Ja Kim sued a New Jersey funeral home for $50 million for putting the wrong body in her casket, which they discovered at the church funeral. The funeral home apologized, but asked “what are the odds two different Korean corpses have the last name Kim?”

Google’s Gmail is rolling out a new look to all users, but assures everyone that it will still take 10 minutes to find a draft reply you saved earlier.

Emmy Nominee and ‘Euphoria‘ star Sydney Sweeney said she “won’t stop” doing nude scenes. “NOW she tells me” said Harvey Weinstein.

For the first time ever, Comcast/Xfinity posted a quarterly decline in broadband internet subscribers. CEO Brian Roberts said they remain at 32.2 million broadband customers, thanks to their efforts keeping 250,000 subscribers on hold while they try to cancel service.

Rare footage off the coast of South Africa shows three orcas killing a great white shark to eat its liver. One orca carried the shark, the other two carried the onions.

JetBlue reached an agreement to purchase Spirit Airlines, creating the U.S.’ fifth-largest provider of cancelled flights.

The United States Gross Domestic Product dropped 0.9% in the second quarter, signaling a possible recession. Inflation also caused a drop in U.S.’ consumption of Spam and scrapple, the country’s Grossest Domestic Products.

A South Carolina woman’s doorbell camera captured footage of a bear ringing the bell at 3:30 a.m. She used the speaker to tell the bear to come back at 10 a.m. after her husband left for work.

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Russia announced they’ll be leaving the International Space Station at the end of 2024 – or as soon as their Death Star is finished, whichever’s sooner.

Google is adding over 100 photorealistic aerial views to landmarks in Google Maps. Previously, users could only access aerial views when Maps directed them to drive off a cliff.

Joe Biden tested negative for COVID-19 and will leave isolation as soon as Jill gets back to tell him which door is the exit.

Newlyweds Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck took a family visit to the Louvre Museum in – proving even rich kids can be subjected to the most boring vacation activities before they finally reach Disneyland Paris.

Rose Valentino, a police officer once featured on TLC Network show ‘Police Women Of Cincinnati‘, was caught on bodycam footage using the N-word. The TLC show was cancelled years ago, but Fox News saw the footage and offered Valentino a new show of her own.

A Kentucky couple who let their 6-year-old run a marathon was visited by child protective services. They interviewed the child once he finished cutting the family’s 4-acre lawn using a walk-behind mower.

A British tourist died walking into the rear blades of a helicopter while taking a selfie. His family requested privacy while they assess the damage to his iPhone’s screen.

Married actors Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard announced their 9-year-old and 7-year-old “graduated” to sleeping in their own room instead of the same room as their parents. They’ve also graduated to one-hour therapy sessions to cope with the sex they saw and heard.

The CEO of chicken restaurant Raising Cane’s bought $100,000 worth of Mega Millions lottery tickets with the intent to share the winnings with employees. The employees said, all things being equal, they’d rather have health insurance.

Jennifer Lopez posed nude to publicize the launch of her new butt-firming lotion: JLo Body by JLo Beauty Firm + Flaunt Targeted Booty Balm. It comes in a half-gallon jug because they need room to fit the name, and to have enough to cover her butt once.

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A woman at Dallas Love Field airport fired gunshots into the air after entering near the Southwest Airlines ticket counter. A Southwest spokesperson said she’s been moved from boarding group A to group C.

Ice cream maker Klondike announced they’re discontinuing the Choco Taco after 40 years. Instead of asking people what they’d do for the Klondike bar, the company said there’s nothing anyone can do.

The Weather Channel apologized for an on-air graphic reading ‘Hello Des Moines. This is your weather my N**gers”. The Weather Channel said the message was intended to read “Hello Los Angeles…”

Viral video shows a man in Zhejiang province, China, catching a 3-year-old who’d fallen out of a 6th floor window. The child was a girl, so the parents told the man he could keep her.

A 73-year-old woman was airlifted to a Florida hospital after being stabbed in the groin by a 100-pound sailfish that was being reeled on to her boat. The sailfish wasn’t exactly thrilled by its decision either.

A 46-year-old man masturbating to a sunbathing woman at a nude beach in Lyon, France was shot dead by another nudist. The shooter was arrested, and treated for burns after trying to hide the weapon.

Florida rapper Rollie Bands was gunned down outside of his Tampa apartment, minutes after daring critics to confront him in an Instagram post. Cops are investigating who owns a gun and unfollowed Rollie Bands.

A new study claims great white sharks may change color while hunting prey. A different study said no, those are blood stains.

A dermatology professor at Stanford University explains while many of our faces are puffy in the morning – being repeatedly punched in them by spouses to stop the snoring.

Ghislaine Maxwell was transferred to a minimum security Florida prison to begin serving her 15-year sentence. She can be visited by up to four adults and eight kids at one time – so she can quickly see whose massage technique the warden likes best.

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A Rhode Island high school basketball coach allegedly molested students while telling them he was measuring their body fat. He plans a vigorous defense, saying obese boys weren’t molested, nor did they make the basketball team.

Veterans can now teach in Florida schools without a degree – a controversial privilege once reserved only for gym teachers.

The New Jersey Farm Fair took place as planned over the weekend despite 98 degree heat. Several cows & pigs were treated for heat exhaustion after riding the Tilt-A-Whirl

Steve Bannon was convicted on two Contempt of Congress charges. He also pleaded no contest to multiple Contempt of Personal Hygiene charges.

A duck named Wrinkle completed the Long Island Marathon and received a medal. Wrinkle’s owner said the hardest part was finding running shoes.

As a protest against rampant gun violence, Pat Benatar won’t sing ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot‘ in concert. As a protest against the overturning of Roe v Wade, she changed the lyrics of a lesser hit to ‘Hell Is For Children (That Probably Should Have Been Aborted)’.

T-Mobile agreed to pay $350 million in compensation to affected customers over a 2021 data breach. They’ve already started to notify customers via phone call, but since they’re T-Mobile customers, most of the calls dropped.

A chess playing robot broke a boy’s finger during a tournament in Moscow. The boy’s finger was put in a cast and the game continued; however, the robot will no longer be allowed to participate in an upcoming Candy Land tournament.

Tubal ligation for women and vasectomies for men are surging in the wake of the Roe v Wade decision – so much that the owners of a popular dating app are considering introducing Tinder: Sterilized.

Following the retirement of Vince McMahon, wrestler Paul ‘Triple H’ Levesque was announced as Head of WWE Creative. Triple H plans to introduce the first non-binary WWE Champion, who is both Hero & Heel.

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Extended drought lowered the level of Nevada’s Lake Mead, to the point where it revealed a sunken World War II-era Higgins Boat used to carry personnel for sea-to-land invasions. In addition to the boat, researchers found a terrible set of directions to Normandy Beach.

A woman in Reddit’s “Am I The A**hole” forum said she interrupted her husband’s online livestream after coming home to find their 7-month-old unfed and with a full diaper. She claimed their baby had livestreamed her pants at least an hour earlier.

KLM Airlines told passengers at Amsterdam’s airport their systems broke and they wouldn’t accept any checked bags. Bathroom lines were a quarter-mile long as smugglers frantically moved all the drugs they could from suitcases to their rectums.

Baywatch star Donna D’Errico clapped back at women who said she’s too old to post Instagram photos in a bikini at age 54. Supporters came to her aid, including a horny David “Mitch Buchannon” Hasselhoff, who sang “I’ll be there” as he rang her doorbell.

Donald Trump reportedly watched the January 6th riots on tv for 187 consecutive minutes. The January 6th Commission called it a dereliction of duty, and the longest tv program to hold his attention since the Miss Teen USA Pageant.

A 20-person brawl between two groups erupted at Disney World after a disagreement about line-cutting. Disney Cast Member personnel finall broke it up after two princesses and Wizard Mickey failed to stop it with magic spells.

A teacher went viral on Tik Tok for saying he left his $43,000/yr teaching job to make $65-70,000 as a Walmart manager by “not using his degree”. That, and he gets to steal a lot cooler stuff than just school supplies.

Bruce Springsteen fans are outraged by Ticketmaster’s ‘dynamic pricing’ of tickets to his 2023 tour as high as $5,000 each. They’re even angrier at dynamic ‘You Might Also Like’ suggestions of John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band tickets for $5 each.

Qantas Airlines booked a couple’s 13-month-old baby on a separate flight from Europe to Thailand as they tried to make their way home to Australia. The baby was cool with it since the parents were angry and he was looking forward to breast-feeding from somebody new.

A woman who has sex with her husband on Only Fans had trouble keeping up with her husband’s libido, so she spent $1,800 on a lookalike sex doll. She’s glad her husband has sex with the doll, but angry that the new Only Fans he started with the doll makes more money.

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The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers announced a plan to build a privately funded arena in downtown Philadelphia. Philly Police don’t know if the city is ready for another 80 or so shots on game nights.

Ivana Trump was buried yesterday, following a closed-casket funeral that featured Donald Trump opening the casket to make sure she didn’t still have anything of his.

Kylie Jenner is being dragged on social media as a ‘climate criminal’ for taking rides on her private jet as short as three minutes. She defended her actions, saying some days her 12 cars won’t start.

The NFL’s New York Giants announced two ‘Legacy Games’ where they’ll wear their throwback uniforms from the Super Bowl Championship era of the 80s & 90s. Unfortunately for fans, they’ll still play like it’s 2022.

The prosecution rested its case in Steve Bannon’s contempt of Congress trial after just two days, two witnesses, and zero showers, shaves or shampoos for the defendant.

Police in Pennsylvania were called to a home where a man was in cardiac arrest while being strangled by a 15-foot snake. An officer killed the snake by shooting it in the head, then was placed on administrative leave because the snake was unarmed.

An An, the world’s oldest male panda in captivity died at age 35 in Hong Kong. He lived in a theme park zoo along with male Ye Ye and female Ling Ling, who say they’ll miss the threesomes.

A redhead spotted with Johnny Depp during an appearance in Italy was confirmed not to be a girlfriend, but as a French teacher working on his new movie, ‘Jeanne du Barry‘. The reports were confirmed when she & Depp were spotted Frenching in a limousine.

Police in Utah released video of an incident where a 4-year-old fired a single shot at them following an altercation involving the child’s father at a McDonald’s drive-thru. The restaurant manager said his Utah location had mistakenly received Happy Meal toys intended for Texas.

Amazon is expanding into healthcare with the acquisition of primary care company One Health. Analysts expected the news when they saw red-hot Prime Day deals on pacemakers and replacement joints.

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Netflix posted its largest subscriber loss, with 970,000 people leaving the service in the 2nd quarter. In an effort to turn things around, Netflix hired Comcast’s President of Customer Service so it takes people at least 90 days on the phone to cancel.

Donald Trump called the leader of the Wisconsin state Republican party this month to tell him to decertify results of the 2020 election. He then called Roger Goodell to decertify the New England Patriots 2019 Super Bowl victory because Tom Brady doesn’t return his calls anymore.

DNA from a coffee cup discarded at Philadelphia Airport was used to charge a man with the 1975 cold case murder of a Lancaster County, Pennsylvania woman. David Sinopoli, 68, was charged with the killing after he was rushed to hospital with convulsions from the Dunkin coffee.

Bruce Willis commemorated the 34th Anniversary of the original ‘Die Hard’ by visiting Los Angeles’ Fox Plaza, which served as the Nakatomi Building during filming. Willis, who retired from acting due to cognitive impairment, finished the visit by pushing a British guy in a suit out of a 40th floor window.

The Secret Service delivered only a single text exchange from their cell phones on January 5th & 6th, as requested by the January 6th Committee. It was from an agent assigned to the White House texting Melania Trump ‘u up?’.

Brad Pitt wore a skirt to the Berlin premiere of his action movie Bullet Train. Pitt did not comment, but the skirt choice may have been influenced by the record heat, and by his 2019 divorce agreement that Angelina Jolie wears the pants in their family.

DoorDash will now require customers requesting alcohol deliveries to upload a picture of their ID, and have the ID scanned by the delivery driver. This, after DoorDash supplied the alcohol for the most bitchin’, epic, Sweet 16 party in Phoenix history.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather showed off an $18,000 mink-covered child car seat he’ll use when transporting his young grandson. Mayweather also asked for recommendations for someone who knows how to clean urine and vomit out of mink.

A Pennsylvania barber featured on 90 Day Fiance is being sought by law enforcement for his role in a murder-for-hire plot against his barbershop boss. He faces a featured role on 90 Year Fiance.

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cesar Milan was warned by police that the dogs he was walking are not allowed on the Redondo Beach Pier in California. Milan immediately complied, taking his dogs off of the pier so they could each take a dump on the beach.