By |

The groom at a Philadelphia wedding was mugged outside of his wedding reception. Philly police released a photo of the suspect, a woman in a long white dress seen with the groom just minutes before.

Spider-Man actor Tom Holland said in an interview he farted on co-star Zendaya while they performed a stunt for Spider-Man: No Way Home. Filming was halted because the webs that shot out gave Zendaya pinkeye.

Delta Air Lines announced it’s dropping service to Lincoln, Nebraska; Cody, Wyoming; & Grand Junction, Colorado. Travelers in those cities now have fewer options if they want to beat up a flight attendant.

Spain’s youngest Episcopal bishop was stripped of his powers after admitting to marrying a woman who writes erotic fiction. Her latest work, The Bishop & The Maiden With Heaving Bosoms, hits stores in January.

A Popeye’s chicken franchise in Philadelphia was criticized for banning homeless customers. The good news is, on average, homeless Philadelphians have lost five pounds.

India’s Harnaaz Sandhu was named Miss Universe 2021. During contestant interviews, host Steve Harvey asked her to do an animal impression, so Sandhu meowed. Later, Harvey awarded the coveted crown to the “Indian pussy”.

Former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows reportedly turned over a PowerPoint presentation outlining how a January 6th coup would keep Donald Trump in office. Meadows disputes that the slides were shared, because CTRL/F7 didn’t get the projector to work.

The United Kingdom’s largest spy agency, GCHQ, released a digital Christmas card with a series of “fiendish puzzles” for kids aged 11 to 18 to complete, keeping them busy while a GCHQ agent goes at it with their mom.

The U.K.’s Department of Digital Culture placed an export restriction on a rare 17th Century painting of a black woman and her white female companion, titled Allegorical Painting of Two Ladies: English School, but more widely known as See, I TOLD You I Have A Black Friend.

Kim Kardashian passed California’s ‘Baby Bar’ exam after failing it three times, pushing her one step closer to becoming a lawyer once she passes the full bar exam after failing that 20 times.

By |

Pope Francis said that sins of the flesh are not the most serious, referring to sex outside marriage. Catholic priests – who can’t be married – are interpreting this opinion as the ultimate green light.

Comcast launched YouTube TV on its broadband-only streaming service, for those people who’ve always wondered what it’s like to say “my YouTube went out”.

Southeast U.S. grocery chain Publix limited purchase of more items at its stores, including pie crusts, whipping cream, hashbrowns and cooking oil. Oddly enough, southerners face no restrictions on healthy food.

Scientists developed a 46-question test that cat owners can complete to tell if their cat is a psychopath. They admit the test is long, but feel most cat owners aren’t too busy with dates on evenings and weekends.

The Ghislaine Maxwell trial was cut short on Thursday when one of the attorneys became ill. Participants were sent home, despite Maxwell offering to have a teenage girl come to examine the lawyer.

Wisconsin GOP Senator Ron Johnson falsely claimed mouthwash could kill COVID-19. “How would you know?” said his wife, who smells his breath regularly.

A jury found actor Jussie Smollett guilty of falsely reporting a hate crime. He now faces charges of falsely reporting his acquittal.

Kanye West used a concert appearance to ask estranged wife Kim Kardashian to “run right back” to him. Kardashian speculated a return is unlikely, since Kanye failed tryouts for both the Los Angeles Lakers and Saturday Night Live.

A new study found healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine doubled their risk of erectile dysfunction. The vapers who struggled with erections switched to regular cigarettes so at least they could look cool.

Alec Baldwin took his wife and kids Christmas tree shopping, but denies knowing how any of the trees died.

By |

Ariana Grande is being accused of appropriating an Asian appearance for personal gain, also known as ‘asianfishing’, also known as ‘sushiing’.

A D.C. Capitol staffer was arrested for bringing an unlicensed gun to work. He said he needed it for his Christmas card picture.

A fire captain in Arizona created a line of bulletproof vests for high school children. For an extra fee he’ll print the school mascot on it in time for the big pep rally.

A viral photo shows an 8-pound rib roast selling for $247 at an upstate New York Wegman’s grocery store. The good news is the purchaser used their shoppers club points to save fifty cents on a tank of gas.

Actress Rebel Wilson, a self-described former ‘funny fat girl’, said in an interview that her team didn’t want her to lose weight. Wilson, who’s lost 70 pounds, said her team was made up of her agent, and three on-call Grubhub drivers.

Actor Josh Hartnett told an Australian morning show the reason why he “stepped away” from Hollywood, which rhymes with “funenjoyment”.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is facing calls for his resignation over a leaked video discussing an illegal 2020 Christmas party while the country was in lockdown. Critics say the party risked national health because of coronavirus, and the party being catered by KFC.

Reality star Josh Duggar, formerly of TLC’s ’19 Kids And Counting’, was convicted of child pornography charges. He now faces 20 years and counting.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw declined comment on rumors she’s leaving for the same job in New York City. Outlaw said the rumors are just that, but that she’s fully qualified to help New York’s murder totals soar like they have in Philly.

40 camels were disqualified from a Saudi Arabian beauty pageant – paying $66 million to the winner – because they’ve received Botox & plastic surgery. The contest was already marred by two assistants kicked to death putting swimsuits on the contestants.

By |

Parts of Hawai’i received up to two feet of rain on Monday & Tuesday. “I can’t remember this area seeing something this bad” said attendees at the 80th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

The Christmas tree outside of Fox News in New York caught fire, after briefly coming into contact with Tucker Carlson’s pants.

Olaf Scholz officially succeds Angela Merkel as Chancellor of Germany, after the country decided they needed leadership with an even-more-German-sounding name.

The Blanco Fracture Zone, a fault line off the Oregon coast, generated 40 earthquakes in 24 hours. Oregonian hipsters were cool with it, though, because they were organic.

Donald Trump’s new social media company filed a presentation with the Securities & Exchange Commission that only gave partial names of its employees, listing a Senior Mobile Developer as “BJ”. New CEO Devin Nunes said they confused “employees” and “benefits”.

One of the accusers in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking trial said Maxwell “assessed her body” for presentation to Epstein when she was just 14. And whaddaya know?…she passed. [Editors Note: Ghislaine Maxwell is a goddamned monster and should never see freedom again.]

Workers at three Starbucks shops in Buffalo, NY are voting to unionize. Union organizers say the workers need to be treated fairly, while Starbucks said the union’s request for snow days will put the stores out of business within a week.

China’s Yutu 2 lunar rover captured images of a mysterious “hut” on the far side of the Moon. Little is known about the hut, except for its red roof and a tabletop Ms. Pac-Man console.

The Omicron variant of COVID-19 was confirmed in Florida. It didn’t want to go, but it needed to use air & hotel miles before the end of the year.

NASA announced they’ve commissioned a new telescope to see inside black holes, and also graduated 10 new astronauts – five of whom aren’t thrilled to be sent into whatever black holes the telescope finds.

By |

U.S. billionaire and art collector Michael Steinhardt agreed to surrender $70 million in stolen artwork – $69,999,998 in rare portraits & antiquities, along with ‘Dogs Playing Poker’.

Researchers found taking Viagra cuts the risk of Alzheimer’s by up to 69 percent. Sadly the other 31 percent don’t realize they’re walking around with a huge erection.

GOP Congressman Devin Nunes announced he’s resigning to become CEO of Donald Trump’s new social media platform, despite a pre-politics background in dairy farming. Nunes claims to be qualified, since he grew up shoveling bullshit.

Travelers flying to the United States must test negative for COVID-19 a day before their arrival, or get a signed agreement from their dog to share the crate.

The United Arab Emirates announced it’s switching to a 4-and-a-half day work week, and a Saturday/Sunday weekend, to better align with Western cultures. Men look forward to spending the additional time with their kids and wives.

68 ICU doctors & nurses at a Malaga, Spain hospital tested positive for COVID-19 after a superspreader office Christmas party. The most popular ‘stolen’ gifts in the party’s White Elephant swap were gift bags of monoclonal antibodies and Remdesivir.

George Cacioppo, a 64-year-old Sony Playstation executive, was fired after being caught in a sting soliciting sex with a decoy pretending to be a 15-year-old boy. Cacioppo didn’t end up getting the sex, or the Call Of Duty tips he was looking forward to.

Amazon launched subscription service Alexa Together, using Amazon Devices and digital assistants to monitor the health and activities of seniors. Subscribers can simply ask “Alexa, is my rich grandfather dead yet?”

Kyle Rittenhouse appeared on a BlazeTV podcast and said “f**k you Lebron”, over Lebron James’ criticism of Rittenhouse crying on the witness stand. Rittenhouse said he used to be a Lebron fan, because he was also a great shooter.

Zion National Park in Utah announced anyone hiking the Angels Landing rock formation after April, 2022 will have to win a lottery to get a permit. “Congratulations on your fractured skull or broken ankle!” reads the email sent to winners.

By |

A blizzard warning was issued for parts of Hawai’i, as heaven freezes over.

A South Carolina nurse was charged with creating and issuing fake COVID-19 vaccination cards, after a dozen of her friends bragged about getting three shots of the Madonna vaccine.

An Italian man tried to dodge the COVID vaccine by wearing a fake silicone arm. for which he’s believed to have paid 488 Euros. He was caught, and his wife is furious he stole the money out of her fake silicone body parts savings fund.

Women named Alexa are changing their names because of Amazon’s digital assistant. That, and they’re sick of being asked about state capitals and what time it is.

A man was arrested after jumping out of a taxiing jet and locking himself in a closet at Phoenix Airport. His family claims he’s schizophrenic and thought he was being chased – a claim disputed by a gremlin who rode the flight on the jet’s wing.

The CEO of Better.com was criticized for firing 900 employees over a Zoom call. Then he announced the company was now called Smaller.com.

New York City will mandate COVID vaccines for all private sector employees – a move supported by the head of the pickpockets union and the Council Of Pimps.

Switzerland approved use of the Sarco Suicide Pod – a portable chamber where those seeking to die enter a code, climb in, and die within a minute from nitrogen inhalation. The Netherlands is testing a similar pod using methane, called the Dutch Oven.

KFC is testing a new dipping sauce, ‘Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce’, in three U.S. cities. They say it’s in response to research where customers expressed a strong desire to get the taste of KFC out of their mouths.

CNN fired anchor Chris Cuomo after an internal review supported allegations of sexual misconduct. Meanwhile, a Fox News review concluded some of their anchors sexually harassed coworkers, so they were given their own primetime shows.

By |

Researchers at University of California developed a reusable ice cube that lasts 13 hours without melting or growing mold – great news for blackout alcoholics who like to wake up with their drink still cold.

One of Jeffrey Epstein’s butlers testified at Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial that one of his duties was to clean a two-headed dildo used in Epstein’s massage room and return it to Maxwell’s bathroom. He also testified of the many uses of Dawn dish detergent.

A rare all-white sperm whale was spotted in the Caribbean, acting like it was better than the more common gray and black sperm whales.

HBO executives worried that The Sopranos actor James Gandolfini was going to die because of his alcohol and drug binges. Gandolfini finished the series, but was eventually whacked by his own heart.

Governor Ron Desantis is proposing a 200-person paramilitary force that reports to him, with no federal accountability. However, they may not garner much respect since he wants to name them the ‘Florida Men’.

A Florida bride passed out and vomited from dehydration during her wedding ceremony, then her infant nephew defecated on her dress at the reception. The story was the featured event on the Society Page of the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman’s wife, Emma Coronel Aispuro, was sentenced to 36 months in a California prison for her role in drug cartel activity. She begged the judge for leniency, saying it will take her 10-year-old twin daughters at least a year to build a tunnel to visit her.

A Houston woman claims she’s pregnant with NBA star – and Khloe Kardashian’s baby-daddy – Tristan Thompson’s child, after Thompson spent too much time in the shooting lane.

President Biden’s new COVID-19 policies allow for free at-home testing. Trump supporters are already complaining of false negative results after urinating on the test swabs.

Malls and event planners are encountering a nationwide shortage of Santas this holiday season. “Of COURSE you are, there’s only one, you dipsh*ts!” said a 6-year-old economist.

By |

Burger King is selling Whoppers for 37 cents this weekend, but reminds cheapskates planning to load up that they make terrible, smelly stocking-stuffers.

Google Maps added the ability to place restaurant reservations. “For the thousandth time, we don’t take reservations” said annoyed workers at a New Jersey Turnpike rest area Roy Rogers.

The first U.S. case of the Omicron COVID-19 variant was identified in San Francisco. It’s expected to spread rapidly because it’s just too expensive to live there.

Alec Baldwin told ABC News George Stephanopolous he “didn’t pull the trigger” on the gun that fired a lethal shot on a movie set. The NRA then promptly added the Easy Shoot Cowboy Pistol to its 2021 Holiday Buyers Guide.

Christian televangelist and anti-vaxxer Christian Lamb died from COVID-19. His wife announced the news on their Daystar Television Network, saying COVID came in like a lion, and took out a Lamb.

After failing to reach a new labor agreement, Major League Baseball owners voted unanimously to lock out players. A reminder that this lockout is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, the official hard seltzer of Major League Baseball. For the loudest flavors ever, it’s Bud Light Seltzer.

Tesla unveiled the $1,900 ‘Cyberquad’, a fully-electric children’s all-terrain vehicle. However, purchasers have to build it themselves with instructions from a 22-page manual, so kids should be driving it around Christmas 2025.

A new dinosaur species found in Chile had a unique bladed tail it would slash as a weapon, proving that even male dinosaurs would risk it all trying to chase some tail.

Pope Francis accepted the resignation of Paris Archbishop Michel Aupetit over his “intimate relationship” with a woman, with “intimate” defined by the Vatican handbook as “over the sweater second base”.

A study of National Basketball Association players & staff found vaccinated people with breakthrough COVID infections may be less likely to spread the virus. They tested a sample of NBA players, and an even bigger sample of their away-game side pieces.

By |

Chicago police arrested an 11-year-old boy for a series of carjackings. He will be charged as a juvenile and likely lose his five-star Uber driver rating.

Andre Dickens was elected the new Mayor of Atlanta, overcoming voter concerns that they were really voting for Andy Dick.

Scientists discovered the fossilized remains of dinosaur Kyhytysuka. They say the marine predator possessed an “arsenal of teeth”, which was good for devouring large prey, but not great for attracting or keeping boyfriends.

A Russian cannibal – who confessed to murdering and eating victims – was arrested after a decapitated body fell out of the trunk of his crashed car. He admitted he was running late with the delivery to one of his regular Grubhub customers.

Alice Sebold, author of The Lovely Bones, apologized to the man who wrongly served 16 years in prison for her rape. However, she withheld any apology for the terrible film adaptation of The Lovely Bones.

A South Carolina jury awarded $10 million to a woman who lost her leg from complications after stepping on a rusty nail inside a Walmart. The complications were treatment she received from a part-time stockboy at Walmart Urgent Care.

Kyle Rittenhouse is no longer a registered nursing student at Arizona State University, saying they already have enough guys with AR-15s providing security at keg parties.

A FedEx driver is accused of dumping packages at a ravine in Alabama six different times. The investigation was complicated because all six times, the same possum signed for the deliveries.

As Kim Kardashian and estranged husband Kanye West attended a Miami funeral for designer Virgil Abloh, Pete Davidson attended a New York Knicks game with his sister. Davidson now has a new hickey and says he & his sister are just friends.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star / now out gay man Colton Underwood said he tried to “suppress his homosexuality” daily with Xanax, adding that boner-free televised makeout sessions with women in hot tubs wasn’t suppression enough.

By |

Scientists discovered a new ‘super jelly’, a gelatinous subtance that can retain its shape even after being run over by a truck. They discovered it under the peanut butter in a public school cafeteria sandwich.

Xenobots, the world’s first ‘living’ robots created from stem cells, can now reproduce. The researchers who created them plan to share video at a biology conference, right after they upload it to Pornhub.

8-year-old North West started a joint TikTok account with her mom, Kim Kardashian. She already has over 1.2 million followers, because if there’s anyone who knows how to create a following with video, it’s Kim Kardashian.

Virologist Alex Sigal, who helped discover the Omicron variant of COVID-19, warned of its potential, saying Omicron has already been admitted to four Ivy League schools.

The Gucci family slammed the recent Ridley Scott drama ‘House of Gucci’, saying it portrays the family as “ignorant” and that they may sue. Scott’s lawyers plan a vigorous defense, saying if the Guccis spent $12 each to watch his awful movie, they really are ignorant.

Philadelphia’s Chocolate Ballerina Company – a dance group featuring persons of color – will debut ‘The Nutcracker Dipped In Chocolate‘, allowing a more diverse ethnic representation of performers to bore an audience for three hours.

NASA postponed a planned International Space Station spacewalk on account of debris. They’ll reschedule once SpaceX and Blue Origin launch crews of repeat DUI offenders to clean the debris up.

Madonna got a new tattoo on her wrist – Hebrew characters which, loosely translated, read “my wrist hurts”.

University of Southern California apologized for fans chanting “f*** the Mormons” during Saturday’s football loss to Brigham Young University. In reply, BYU fans in attendance chanted “Ok, but we need to get married first”.

Tiger Woods told Golf Digest that, in the wake of his auto accident, he’ll never be a “full-time player” again, saying that he now only has two side pieces.