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Some Instacart customers are luring employees to fulfill their orders with tips of $50 or more, then removing them after receiving their order. A new startup, Instavandal, identifies them so enterprising punks can absolutely trash their houses & lawns.

Saturday Night Live returns this weekend with new, remotely-produced content – but somehow Pete Davidson has a conflict and can’t do it.

A new study published in journal Science theorizes that a crew of monkeys rode a natural raft from Africa to South America around 35 million years ago. As for why the monkeys took to the sea, they say pteradactyls charged too much for airfare.

Singapore stopped teachers from using Zoom, after men crashed a teen girls geography class to make lewd comments. To discourage future class disruptions, Singapore teachers are inviting the men to watch disruptive teen girls caned during detention instead.

Melania Trump shared a photo of herself wearing a cloth facemask. Asked where she got it, she said she still had it from her days robbing convenience stores back in Slovenia.

Scientists created a mutant enzyme that decomposes one ton of plastic bottles in 10 hours. They tried it out on a day’s worth of Mountain Dew bottles collected while TLC Network recorded new episodes of ‘My 600-Lb Life’.

Mark Wahlberg is hosting a second Instagram Live workout from his home; this time, he’s hoping to see some straight guys watching it.

A new website, imisstheoffice.eu , plays audio to replicate sounds common at most offices. You can even navigate to the executive-only floor to hear how the cute new hire got the promotion instead of you.

Prosecutors in the college admissions scandal released the rowing machine photos of Lori Loughlin’s daughters, submitted to get them on the USC Crew Team. Daughter Bella is seen leaning back mid-stroke, while Olivia Jade is pouring water under hers.

In a recent poll, 72% of Americans said they would not attend sporting events in person prior to a successful COVID-19 vaccine. The number increased to 99% when asked specifically about their preteen kids’ tee ball & soccer games.

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Customers claim Instacart shoppers are stealing their groceries. Instacart executives say the best way to prevent theft is to not order cookies and potato chips.

Producers of Modern Family – which ended its decade-long run on Tuesday night – hinted at possible spin-off shows for its characters. So far the most likely characters to get their own show are Sofia Vergara’s breasts.

Google told employees they can’t use videoconferencing app Zoom on company-issued laptops anymore. Workers will need to use Google tools like Google Meet or Google Hangouts if they want to share below-the-neck nudes.

Tom Brady told Howard Stern during an interview that former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has an “amazing” penis, but that his balls are a little too taut for his liking.

Ellen Degeneres jokes that self-isolation is “like being in jail”. Some women inmates said she’s kinda right, since they, too, are “gay for the stay”.

Levi’s ‘Super Mario’-themed jeans go on sale today online. Just add the items to your cart, enter a payment method, and defeat Donkey Kong ten times.

Convenience store chain Wawa is donating use of a refrigerated truck for the state of New Jersey’s use as a temporary morgue. Families retrieving bodies can add a bag of chips for 99 cents.

The Unicode Consortium – overseers of emoji – announced no new emoji will be issued in 2021 because of the COVID-19 pandemic. People can still submit new emoji suggestions, but until then, keep the two oranges and eggplant ready in your ‘recently used’ tab.

Yelp! laid off 1,000 employees, leading to Yelp! collapsing in on itself as the target of hundreds of scathing Yelp! reviews.

Walmart’s grocery shopping app achieved a record number of downloads. The bad news is that orange soda and Cheetos are still backordered until Halloween.

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Philadelphia police have been ordered to wear masks in public – making it hard to eat donuts.

  • “Hey, where’d you get yours?” asked a bodega robber.

Wuhan, China ended its lockdown. Lines are up to 50 cars long at drive-thru pangolin restaurants.

Pope Francis said the COVID-19 pandemic is one of “nature’s responses” to humans ignoring the climate & ecological crises. “Hey – stick to fables about imaginary bearded magicians multiplying fish and bread!!” said Italian conservatives.

An entire Pennsylvania nursing home is feared to be infected with COVID-19; residents heard about it from several really, really loud TVs.

Ohio restaurants are now able to sell cocktails for takeout. However, Ohio state police are pulling over more vehicles with martini glasses on the dashboard.

  • Smooth operators are ordering a drink for themselves, and another for that cute woman two parking spots over.

Although parks remain closed, Disney raised prices at its restaurants. Breakfasts with Disney Princesses will no longer include a lap dance.

A survey of 293 female students at SUNY-Albany showed those whose male sex partners didn’t use condoms had fewer symptoms of depression. In related news, the SUNY-Albany Registrar’s computer crashed after a bombardment of transfer applications.

Scientists discovered a massive siphonophore over 150 feet long in the Indian Ocean. The jellyfish-like creature looks like silly string, and is believed to have been created by octopus birthday parties.

Producers of DC Comics’ The Flash movie are reportedly considering dumping star Ezra Miller, after video surfaced of Miller choking a female fan in a bar. Not only that, but he was pretty slow running away from it.

Facebook launched a new app, ‘Tuned’, so couples can connect with each other – at least until one of them finds their partner also ‘Tuned’-in to the new person at the gym.

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UFC President Dana White said he’s securing a private island to host upcoming pay-per-view fights, though it’s unclear whether fans will still put up the money to watch two chimpanzees fight each other.

A fire at a Florida airport destroyed 3,500 rental cars. It’s being called a total loss, because even the rental car companies declined the insurance.

Shares of Carnival Cruise Lines soared after the Saudi sovereign wealth fund bought 8% of the company. In exchange, Carnival agreed to provide cabins for all the wives in the harems.

Vermont ordered Costco, Target and other big-box stores to only sell essential items. There are now complete aisles in the stores dedicated to maple syrup.

Walmart joined other stores that are holding shopping hours exclusively for seniors. This, in addition to the exclusive 12-hour days for underpaid seniors working there.

Reports speculate that AMC movie theaters may not recover from current closures and may shut down for good. Other theaters would still take AMC’s popcorn inventory and sell it.

April’s full moon tonight will be the biggest supermoon of the year, owing to the moon’s orbit being closest to Earth. It’s so big, you’ll be able to see extraterrestrials social distancing.

White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham will leave her post without having held a single press briefing and return to being Melania Trump’s chief of staff. Grisham welcomed the move, saying she’s glad to go from doing nothing, to almost nothing.

Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh expressed concern about hackers disrupting the NFL’s upcoming ‘virtual draft’. The Cincinnati Bengals say they’re not worried and are expected to select Hugh G. Rection first overall.

UFC fighter Anthony Smith caught a robber breaking in to his Nebraska home. Smith was able to subdue the robber, who clutched jewelry in one hand, but tapped out with the other.

 

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Apple is designing and shipping face shields for medical workers. If you drop and break it they charge $49 to fix it.

New York City schools banned Zoom videoconferencing by teachers, after some uninvited participants to classes showed nudes and other inappropriate content. Though some teachers admitted those were 1-on-1 tutoring sessions for football players.

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID-19. Two zoo workers died trying to put the test swab in its nose.

  • Penguins are reportedly furious they’re not big enough celebrities to get tested.

The Surgeon General called the week ahead the U.S.’ “Pearl Harbor moment”. Although, unlike Pearl Harbor, the President knew about this attack for weeks.

New studies reinforce evidence that pinkeye is a predictor for COVID-19 infection, but the CDC is waiting before advising Americans to wear masks on their butts.

Mike Pence’s wife Karen & daughter Charlotte published a children’s book about COVID-19 safety guidelines starring their pet rabbit, Marlon Bundo. Marlon talks about how he keeps six feet away from the gerbil that stays in Mike’s private office.

Singer Pink revealed she’s recovering from her own COVID-19 infection. Between the cough and fever, she thought about changing her name to Red.

Tesla showed off ventilators they’re building using their proprietary technology. They allow patients to remove themselves from the ventilator long enough to brag about having a Tesla.

Nintendo is responding to complaints that Animal Crossing: New Horizons players are finding too many eggs in the game’s ‘Bunny Day’ event. A Nintendo spokesman said ordinarily they’d tell players to “get a life”, but admit nobody can right now.

Etsy is telling its sellers of cloth masks not to make assurances they provide protection against COVID-19. Same goes for those selling homemade condoms.

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Tom Brady is reportedly renting Derek Jeter’s mansion while he lives and plays in Tampa Bay. Though they’re both married, Jeter told Brady to help himself to the surplus gift bags he used to give departing one-night hookups.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says the U.S. is “not even at halftime” in the fight against coronavirus. Worse, he announced the halftime show is Black Eyed Peas.

Scientists advise closing the toilet seat lid before flushing, to prevent ‘aerosolized feces’ from escaping the toilet bowl and spreading coronavirus. Coincidentally, Aerosolized Feces is also the poorest-selling variety of Airwick spray.

An analysis by The Motley Fool shows that a $1,000 investment in Walmart during the 2008-9 Great Recession would be worth three times that much today. Someone who started working at Walmart in 2008 would have accumulated about $1,000 today.

Some Americans will wait up to 20 weeks to receive their $1,200 stimulus check – four weeks for the first check to be sent, then another 16 weeks to get a replacement because the mailman cashed the first one.

Target announced they’ll begin limiting the number of shoppers in stores as a safety measure to ensure social distancing. Walmart also announced new safety measures, hiring hundreds of referees to work toilet paper fistfights.

Sony announced their post-apocalyptic Playstation adventure game The Last of Us II is delayed indefinitely because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but promised to use the extra time to add a new level, ‘Fort Lauderdale Spring Break’.

University of Pittsburgh researchers believe they may have isolated a working COVID-19 vaccine. The problem is, it’s an oral vaccine delivered in Iron City Light beer.

The WNBA postponed the start of its 2020 season due to COVID-19, a move unlikely to impact attendance.

Kim Kardashian will star in a prison reform documentary – it focuses on the effort of her buttocks to escape her shapewear.

 

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6.6 million people filed for unemployment benefits last week. Another 60 million are frantically closing and reopening their web browsers.

A New England Patriots team jet returned from China carrying over 1 million N95 masks, and 100 massage therapists.

Some health experts believe one in three people infected with coronavirus are getting a false negative test result – mostly women who are peeing on the test swab.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is allowing church services to continue in the state, calling them ‘essential’. Pastors are picking up some extra money hosting wet t-shirt contests in Daytona Beach.

Researchers in the Netherlands say they can detect a rise in coronavirus cases by testing human waste. They can also detect that people really like to pass the time in quarantine eating peanut M&Ms.

Takhini Hot Pools in Canada’s Yukon territory shared photos of the winners of their Hair Freezing Contest – where entrants soak in a hot tub, then let their hair freeze in the frigid air above it. For legal reasons, the only pictures shared were of above-the-waist winners.

LSU head football coach Ed Orgeron filed for divorce from his wife, Kelly. Kelly then filed documents with the NCAA to transfer to another football coach.

’90 Day Fiance’ star Jorge Nava – jailed in 2018 for illegally possessing over 100 pounds of marijuana – plans to divorce wife Anfisa Arkhipchenko when he’s released in May. Nava said he’s spent time in prison losing weight, and trying to spell his wife’s name right on divorce papers.

College students are petitioning their schools to change from traditional letter grading to a Pass/Fail system. Or, in New York & New Jersey schools, to Live/Die.

Pennsylvania reopened online liquor sales through its state-owned stores, causing the site to promptly crash. They plan to restart it, accepting payment from credit cards or direct deduction from stimulus checks.

 

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Walmart supervisors are taking worker temperatures to keep stores and warehouses free of COVID-19. So far, over a hundred robots were sent home after overheating while restocking toilet paper.

Fitbit announced its latest fitness tracker, the Charge 4. It adds GPS functionality so you can more accurately count those five steps between the recliner and the refrigerator.

Alcohol sales increased 55% year-over-year as people stockpiled booze during the coronavirus outbreak. DUI arrests are down, although cops say it’s a lot easier to spot the swerving cars on empty roads.

T-Mobile announced the completion of its merger with Sprint.  “Can you hire me now?” said the unemployed Sprint guy who used to be the Verizon guy.

Comet C/2019 Y4 ATLAS,  five times the size of Jupiter – and about half the size of the Sun – will light up the night sky as it passes Earth in late April. It was to be joined by a second comet, but that one is staying the required six light years away until April 30th.

April 1st is National Census Day. Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks, Lin-Manuel Miranda and others are urging citizens to make sure that they’re counted, even though average schmoes won’t ever count as much as big celebrities.

Donald Trump said the U.S. Government is ‘holding back’ some ventilators in anticipation of a surge in coronavirus infections, or in case he has to walk up a flight of stairs.

Burger King is bringing back its half-pound Big King XL Burger this week – despite protests saying the health care system is already overwhelmed.

Videoconference tool Zoom has a feature that alerts bosses when participants aren’t paying attention in meetings. It tracks participant eye movement, and listens for porn on the iPad next to your laptop.

Speculation is that men are at a higher risk for coronavirus because they’re much less likely to wash their hands – as evidenced by surveys, and women seeing their boyfriend’s greasy fingerprints on their breasts and buttocks.

 

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A Seattle-area man was arrested for letting his pit bull drive his 1996 Buick over 100mph.  The pit bull was also arrested for driving with a suspended license. 

North Dakota GOP Senator Kevin Kramer apologized for a tweet calling House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “retarded” – but said ‘retarded’ was autocorrected from ‘ridiculous’. Just like the time he typed ‘Pepboys’ into his web browser and ended up at Pornhub.

A survey released by the Pew Research Center showed 9 in 10 Americans believe that current COVID-19 related restrictions are necessary. 1 in 10 still aren’t aware that Mardi Gras is over. 

New York’s Attorney General is investigating group chat app Zoom, citing security and data privacy problems, after several teenagers complained video of their naked genitals shown when they hacked into work conference calls turned up elsewhere online. 

‘The Office’ and ‘Jack Ryan’ actor John Krasinski launched a YouTube channel dedicated to “good news”. The good news is, you don’t have to watch it. 

Keanon Lowe, an Oregon teacher & football coach who talked a student out of self-harm with a shotgun – then hugged him – will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Best of all, said GOP Congressmen, he gets to keep the gun. 

CNN’s Chris Cuomo tested positive for coronavirus. Liberal-minded news viewers are warned to stay six feet away from their TVs. 

Idaho will no longer allow transgender women to play on girl’s athletic teams. State officials are debating what to do about voiding the single-season record for softball home runs, set last year at 75. 

A shelter-in-place order was issued for south Florida’s Lauderdale County – meaning all 10,000 people on the beach must move beneath their umbrella. 

A neurosurgeon who separated conjoined twins has passed away from COVID-19 complications. For their part, the twins are planning a tribute, once they put their heads together. 

 

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Cheesecake Factory furloughed 41,000 employees. Each received a pager which will buzz when it’s their turn to come back to work. [Reader Submitted Joke! Thanks to…”T”!]

Doctors claim a loss of taste and smell is an early warning of coronavirus infection. This has been true in China and the U.S., but is unproven in the U.K. because so many people there just don’t want to smell or taste the food anyway.

Archaeologists in Leeds, England found more than 600 bottles of toxic beer under the stairs in a brewery dating back to the 19th century. The bottles contain lethal amounts of lead, and are labeled Coors Light.

Nintendo is planning to commemorate the Super Mario series 35th anniversary with new games. In related news, Mario and Peach announced they’re separating just shy of their 35th Anniversary.

MIT will post plans online for an emergency ventilator that can be built for $100. It’ll have people everywhere asking “what the f*** did you do with the vacuum cleaner?”

U.S. airlines are offering 5-and-6-hour flights between the east and west coasts for as low as $14. There are no seat assignments, because you’ll be up the whole time cleaning the jet.

Google search results now display 3D images of creatures you can view up-close on your Android phone. So far, the most popular ones are tigers, pandas, and porn stars.

American Airlines pilot Pati Marsh – a woman with 39 years and over 30,000 flight hours of experience – reached age 65 and had to retire, per FAA regulations. Her former co-pilots are happy to now be able to lower the cockpit temperature below 80 degrees.

Gerrity’s Supermarket in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania was forced to discard $35,000 in produce after Margaret Cirko, 35, deliberately coughed and spat on all of it. She was removed by police and arrested – then did the same thing at Whole Foods, ruining $250,000 worth of produce.

Six CBS News reporters tested positive for coronavirus, as CBS News rushed to air a tv ad saying “CBS News – FIRST to have reporters WITH COVID-19”.