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ABC introduced Matt James, the first black man on ‘The Bachelor – or, as it’s now called, ‘Da Bachelor‘.

Mike Pence addressed a rally for Georgia Senate candidates Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue, saying America will “hear the evidence” of election fraud in a joint session of Congress on January 6th, adding “and not from Rudy Giuliani this time”.

In light of crowded hospitals and ICUs, Los Angeles County is telling ambulance crews not to drop off patients with little chance of survival. Residents are angry that they’re calling ambulances, and hearses with Uber stickers are showing up.

Actress Emma Stone is pregnant. Longtime partner Dave McCary is believed to have provided The Help.

Harry Potter film actress Jessica Cave said her baby boy has contracted COVID-19, but she thinks he’ll make a full recovery thanks to an antiviral spell.

Wisconsin pharmacist Steven Brandenburg, who’s accused of deliberately destroying COVID-19 vaccines, said he did so because he believes they can change human DNA. Asked where he got his pharmacy certification, Brandenburg replied Hogwarts.

Fashion designer Alexander Wang is facing sexual assault allegations from male and trans models, who say they’re fighting an uphill battle on account of all the puns.

U.S. News & World Report awarded its Best Diet Gold Medal Award to the Mediterranean Diet for the 4th straight year. “Alright!” said a guy adding olives and anchovies to his double-cheese pizza.

The annual Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show – one of the cities biggest conventions – will be held virtually this year. I.T. consultants are raking in huge sums helping work-from-home strippers set up Zoom Champagne Rooms.

Outgoing Secretary of Education Betsy Devos penned a farewell letter to Congressional leaders – who sent it back for multiple spelling & grammar corrections.

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Donald Trump called Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger on Saturday, and for a full hour pressured him to recalculate the results of Georgia’s election. The call shocked Americans who never thought Trump would work on a Saturday.

Trump reportedly tried reaching Raffensperger 18 times – 15 voice mails, 2 butt-dials while golfing, and 1 ‘You up?’ text.

Vanilla Ice, Taylor Dayne, Berlin and Mike Love of the Beach Boys all performed at the Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party. Surprisingly, all four acts had the date open on their calendars.

Chipotle will offer cauliflower rice nationwide. It costs two dollars extra and is prepared the same as their regular rice – using lime, cilantro and dangerous levels of bacteria.

Mitch McConnell’s home in Kentucky was vandalized over the weekend, as someone spray painted “WERES MY MONEY” on the front door. Police are seeking a person of interest, a former Kentucky state spelling bee champion.

T-Mobile says hackers accessed customer call records. Most customers need not worry, since the data was only for calls that went through.

43 COVID-postive staffers at a San Jose emergency room may have been infected by an employee who wore an inflatable costume in their work area on Christmas. All 43 regret taking turns helping to blow up Santa.

Los Angeles International Airport is now offering rapid COVID testing, so you can be quickly cleared for travel to go catch the virus somewhere else.

Google employees announced plans to unionize with the Communications Workers of America. Telephone linemen hope this means they can strike and get all the free snacks the Google people get.

An angry squirrel is aggressively attacking residents of a Queens neighorhood. Several residents claim they’ve been jumped on and bitten hard enough to draw blood. Experts believe the squirrel isn’t rabid, and is likely a frustrated Jets or Giants fan.

Nela Zisser, a 28-year-old New Zealand medical student, broke the Guinness World Record by consuming 16 chicken nuggets in 60 seconds, eclipsing the old record of 15 shared by every U.S. 9-year-old.

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Happy New Year! Thanks For Reading!

Weekly unemployment claims fell for the second consecutive week, but do not yet reflect massive layoffs expected at the North Pole.

Donald Trump plans to return to Washington and skip the annual Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party, once he found out a bunch of Health Department narcs are shutting down tongue-kissing at midnight.

The minimum wage will increase in over 20 states in 2021. Shares of Gold Tipped Walking Sticks Incorporated are up in early trading.

A Wisconsin healh-care worker intentionally ruined hundreds of COVID-19 vaccines by removing them from a refrigerator. Even worse, he later microwaved the curried salmon he’d made room for in the fridge.

All-time Jeopardy! great Ken Jennings apologized for past insensitive tweets, but Daily Doubled down on some others.

Joe & Jill Biden will ring in 2021 as part of New Year’s Rockin Eve. Ryan Seacrest hosts, and will be in charge of waking Joe up at 11:45.

Samuel Little, believed to be the U.S.’ most prolific serial killer, died in a California prison at age 80. Little now begins the second of his three life sentences.

COVID-19 restrictions forced the move of the Rose Bowl to Texas, where it will be the Yellow Rose Bowl.

After multiple COVID outbreaks, the White House is being deep-cleaned at a taxpayer cost of $127,000. And it still smells like french fries.

Amazon is acquiring podcast producer Wondery, and starting a new podcast, ‘I Wondery Where My Package Is?’.

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Worcester, Massachusetts police arrested two boys and two girls, all ages 15 & 16, for throwing bricks at cars. The boys were referred for juvenile detention, and the girls were given softball scholarships.

The FAA issued new guidelines for home delivery of packages by drones. The guidelines expressly forbid the use of camera drones piloted by horny teenagers.

Donald Trump was reportedly upset with renovations to his Mar-A-Lago residence when he arrived for the holidays. He was most angry that nobody installed a younger woman.

American Airlines carried the first passengers on a Boeing 737 MAX since the jet was reauthorized by the FAA. It departed Miami at 10a.m. and arrived ahead of schedule when it touched down spinning into the Atlantic Ocean.

Billie Eilish lost 100,000 Instagram followers in a half-hour after posting sketches of women’s breasts. Some speculated that her younger followers’ parents were offended, while others thought the breasts just weren’t big enough.

The more contagious COVID-19 strain believed to have come from the U.K. has been confirmed in Colorado, where it plans to stock up on weed before heading back home.

At the current slower-than-expected pace, it will take ten years to vaccinate every American against COVID-19. The good news is that the vaccine they finally get will cover COVID 20 thru 30.

$600 stimulus checks will begin to arrive this week. The most-stated use of the money will be paying bills, while the least-stated use is tipping Grubhub or Postmates delivery drivers.

A happy Chrissy Teigen posted that she’s now “four weeks sober”, while happier Instagram users say it’s been five weeks since they unfollowed Chrissy Teigen.

A 21-year-old Russian sumo wrestler, Dzhambulat Khatokhov, once called “the world’s heaviest boy”, passed away. No cause of death was given, but those closest to him said he had kidney problems – namely, eating so many of them.

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After a bombardment of criticism for faking a Spanish accent, Hilaria/Hillary Baldwin announced she’s taking a siesta from social media.

Home health care workers in Germany received COVID-19 vaccines containing five times the normal dosage. They claim the mistake hasn’t yielded any adverse side effects, other than rage-induced super strength.

Reality TV star D’Andra Simmons is hospitalized with acute COVID-19 symptoms, and can be seen in upcoming episodes of Bravo’s ‘Real IntensiveCareWives of Dallas’.

The Washington Football Team released quarterback Dwayne Haskins, making him Unemployed Football Individual.

Lori Loughlin was forced to isolate for the last two weeks of her prison sentence due to a COVID outbreak – time she used to write a first draft of holiday movie ‘Jail Alone’.

Anime film ‘Demon Slayer’ became Japan’s highest-grossing movie ever. If you want to know what it’s about, ask your weird 36-year-old cousin who still lives with his parents.

Google removed the wide-angle astrophotography function from its Pixel 5 and Pixel 4a 5G phones without explanation. It allowed users to take photos of stars in the night sky, and of their neighbor’s dimly-lit upstairs bedroom.

Archaeologists in Pompeii discovered a ‘termopolium’, or street-food stand, predating the destruction of the city by Mount Vesuvius. Wall paintings depicted the menu items, and let customers know that guacamole would be a little extra.

Demi Lovato posted a swimsuit photo on Instagram, with her stretch marks painted over in gold glitter. Fans praised her show of body positivity and determination, since the picture required two trips to Hobby Lobby for more glitter paint.

The state of Maine reported 7 new COVID-19 deaths, but said they can still be eaten with lemon butter after a thorough boiling.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.

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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.

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A Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputy was recorded via his collar mic having sex with a woman on the Universal Studios lot. He was fired from the Sheriffs Department, but is now executive producer of four different movies.

The White House sent instructions to staffers on preparations to depart their jobs in January. They’ve ordered 500 more cases of Diet Coke for workers to pour on their laptops.

COVID-19 has reached Antarctica, according to a seal who said he couldn’t smell or taste the penguin he just ate.

Hip-hop artist Travis Scott gave away over 2,000 toys to needy children in his hometown of Houston, then shared bedroom pictures of baby mama Kylie Jenner to their 2,000 needy dads.

Passengers from a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 claim that they, too, are exhibiting symptoms. United said they’ll try to help the passengers, but as of now they’re still in Vaccine Group 7.

Israel’s parliament failed to pass a federal budget, despite what observers call the most amazingly lengthy display of haggling they’ve ever seen.

Fast food chain KFC partnered with Intel to launch the KFConsole – a game console that keeps your chicken warm. Gamers are hoping the games are powered by voice commands, since they can’t use a controller in their grease-soaked hands.

Uber is donating 10 million rides for people getting the COVID-19 vaccine, and also giving away some extra money to passengers suing Uber for their driver’s sexual harassment on the way to getting a vaccine.

The Delta passenger who jumped out of a taxiing aircraft’s emergency exit at Laguardia Airport told police he “was about to lose control”. Luckily he was able to pull himself together long enough to slide out of a moving jet.

The Food & Drug Administration approved the use of a special genetically-modified pig to study allergic reactions in humans. However, animal rights activists are objecting to studies gauging the pig’s reactions to food at Golden Corral.

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Burger King is launching a dollar menu called $1 Your Way. They’re also launching a two-dollar menu, where they’ll run across the street and get you McDonald’s fries.

A Connecticut woman discovered her four-year-old spent $16,000 in the Apple App Store on premium items for racing game Sonic Forces. She’s angry at Apple for not refunding her money, and angry at her kid for still sucking at the game.

Over 70 cadets at West Point Military Academy were discovered cheating during an online calculus exam. It’s the worst West Point cheating scandal in decades, equal to the 75th-worst cheating scandal at University of Phoenix this week.

Three different skiers died in two massive Colorado avalanches over the weekend. Each will be given a cowboy funeral since they died with their boots on.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said $600 government stimulus checks will begin arriving a few days after Christmas, but Americans will be unable to exchange them for the $1,200 checks they really wanted.

A truck carrying propane tanks flipped and exploded on the Long Island Expressway. Multiple fire companies responded with thousands of marinated chickens.

The United States is on track to record 3.2 million deaths in 2020, the highest total ever and 400,000 more than 2019. Forecasters say a COVID-19 vaccine may cut 2021 deaths, but that reduction could also be offset by the relaunch of the Boeing 737 MAX.

Tech website cNET gave 2020 Innovation Awards to the COVID-19 vaccine and the Playstation 5 Dualsense Controller – two things most people don’t have a chance of getting until June.

As a Delta jet taxied to a departure runway at Laguardia, two passengers opened a cabin door and slid down to the tarmac along with a large service dog. The dog told cops there’s no way he could have waited to 30,000 feet to do his business.

Tiger Woods and his 11-year-old son Charlie played in the father/son PNC Championship in Florida over the weekend. Team Woods finished 7th in the tourney, and 1st getting sexts.

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Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano erupted for the first time in two years, figuring if there’s ever a good time to spew more toxins into the air, it’s probably now.

Mark Wahlberg disappointed Australian fans at the grand opening of one of his F45 Fitness Gyms. Wahlberg spent a mere five minutes posing for pics at the new gym in Woolloomooloo, Sydney, before bidding everyone TooDooLooLoo.

An 18-year-old woman from Georgia was sentenced to four months in jail in the Cayman Islands for breaking COVID-19 protocols. Her parents appealed to Donald Trump for assistance, and are confident he’ll follow up, because she’s kinda hot.

The U.K. is in lockdown after a more transmissible, mutated, strain of coronavirus ravages the area. It’s so unpopular, instead of COVID-20, they’re calling it “Meghan”.

Following vaccination of healthcare workers, a CDC Advisory Panel recommends Americans 75 & older be next in line for vaccines. The panel is also warning their grandchildren to expect long, boring stories about it.

Apple may launch the Apple Car as early as next year. Pricing is not yet available, although interested buyers are being told to buy a case for it so the windshield doesn’t break when they hit the curb.

Ariana Grande is engaged to real estate broker Dalton Gomez. Grande plans to enter the studio to begin recording her next album about dumping him.

The new $900 billion government stimulus package reportedly contains $600 direct payments to Americans, billions in expanded unemployment benefits, and about $400 billion to the Russians hacking into the Treasury to take it.

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro raged against the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, saying if the vaccine turned someone into an alligator, Pfizer bears no legal liability. Pfizer said its vaccine does not turn people into alligators, because it would make the second vaccine dose really hard to administer.

New video emerged of a United Airlines passenger receiving CPR before dying of COVID-19 symptoms midflight, and of the the courageous flight attendant trying to push her cart over him to complete beverage service.