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Tinder announced that they’re officially testing ‘Tinder Places’ – the app’s new way of connecting people by sharing locations in common they visit. Tinder says the idea is to give users a mutual interest — or, a second mutual interest, besides getting laid as fast as possible.

Amazon is expanding Amazon Map Tracker to more customers. Map Tracker lets you follow package transit in realtime, from the moment it’s loaded by an underpaid warehouse packer, to a delivery contractor tossing it on your stoop from 15 feet away, to its theft by hoodie-clad punks.

Researchers used a submarine to find the wreck of the 300-year-old Spanish galleon ‘San Jose’ – with treasure worth $17 billion – off the coast of Colombia. Spain and Colombia are both claiming ownership of the treasure, and will settle it via an epic pirate sword fight.

A Federal Court judge ruled that President Trump cannot block accounts on Twitter. He has to just Mute them and deny it like everybody else.

Jared Kushner received a full U.S. security clearance, making him eligible to skip morning national security briefings.

President Trump cancelled the planned summit with North Korea, citing ‘anger and hostility’ from Kim Jong Un, and the weird taste of Big Macs he sampled from a McDonald’s near the meeting site in Singapore.

The National Football League announced a new policy requiring all on-field players, coaches and staff to stand during the pregame National Anthem. The league said it will fine offending players, and force them to listen to 20 minutes of Cris Collinsworth talking about them.

Two Ebola patients who fled a treatment center in the Congo each died within two days of escaping, but both said they were glad they got to see Avengers – Infinity War.

Ten different families combined to transport a dog found in Pennsylvania over 2,000 miles to his owners in Arizona who’d lost him a year earlier. The dog was happy to get home, but couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just let him book the direct flight he wanted.

Facebook is asking U.K. users to preemptively submit naked photos so Facebook can put them in a ‘Revenge Porn’ database to prevent them from appearing online. Facebook said the nudes will only be seen by a specially trained team of five auditors, who are currently swamped archiving naked pictures of Meghan Markle.

A judge in Kansas ordered the organizer of a cult to pay $8 million to a former member with no formal education, for forcing her to work a decade with no pay. A spokesperson for the cult said “Walmart is not a cult.”

 

 

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A pregnant inmate escaped police custody at a hospital in Rochester, New York, but was recaptured hours later. Police don’t know when her baby is due, but they requested a sonogram to determine whether the newborn will get a pink or blue ankle bracelet.

University hospital researchers in Dallas say that exercising just two or three days per week could be beneficial to heart health, with the exception of people too poor to own a car who walk to Popeye’s.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation claims that the children’s movie ‘Show Dogs’ features scenes that normalize genital touching to its young audience, since a talking dog is taught to allow dog show judges to touch his genitals. Parents are being told to talk to their kids about predatory sexual behavior, and to not enter their children in dog shows.

Atlantic City, New Jersey reports that its casino earnings are “profitable, but shrinking.” Longtime Atlantic City prostitutes are using the same “profitable, but shrinking” phrase to describe the genitals of their aging clientele.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ crowned figure skater Adam Rippon its newest champion, stunning observers who doubted a gay male could succeed at both figure skating and ballroom dancing.

Jessica McCusker, tax clerk in a Philadelphia suburb, was charged with felony embezzlement for taking over $200,000 in property tax payments that residents made in cash. Officials say that cash payments for property taxes are no longer allowed, and must be made either by check, hoagies, or opioids.

Videos posted to Twitter show a Minnesota restaurant patron throwing a glass of water on Fox News Commentator Tomi Lahren, and Lahren melting.

Carson Meyer, a college hockey player for the University of Miami, suffered from loss of appetite, weight loss and fatigue, then went to the bathroom and found that he’d passed a two-foot-long tapeworm. Meyer has modified his diet to cut out raw fish, and the tapeworm was ejected for fighting to stay in his intestine.

According to the Federal Reserve’s ‘Report on the Economic Well-Being of Households in 2017’, 40 percent of adults don’t have the money to cover a $400 emergency expense. Mainly because they’re millennials whose parents don’t know how to Venmo them the 400 bucks.

The Centers for Disease Control gave the all-clear to eat romaine lettuce again, following a widespread E.coli outbreak. “Finally!” said hungry hamsters and guinea pigs.

 

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A judge in Oregon ordered a 15-year-old boy to pay $36 million in restitution for starting the Eagle Creek wildfires, which burned 48,000 acres. His lawyers plan to appeal, but in the meantime the boy has increased his lawn-mowing fee to $75,000.

McDonald’s board of directors will be asked to consider a ban on plastic drinking straws. The move comes as environmental advocates try to curb single-use plastics, and as families mourn the loss of loved ones who died from collapsed lungs trying to suck up Shamrock Shakes.

JCPenney, mired in losses as it struggles to turn business around, suffered another blow as CEO Marvin Ellison said he’s leaving to become CEO of home improvement chain Lowe’s.  Ellison immediately announced a new aisle at Lowe’s for customers who mow their lawn in cargo shorts, sandals and black dress socks.

President Trump is angry at reports an FBI informant met with members of his Presidential Campaign advisory staff. Justice and Intelligence department officials are refusing to confirm the existence or name of the informant, but are privately concerned at Eric Trump’s inability to keep a secret.

Stacey Cunningham is set to become the first female President of the New York Stock Exchange. She states that her first order of business is coming up with a way for stock shoppers to return ones they don’t like.

After winning Season 16 of American Idol, winner Maddie Poppe announced she’s dating runner-up Caleb Lee Hutchinson — creating a music-industry power couple you won’t be able to remember in a week.

A couple in Upstate New York filed a petition with the state Supreme Court to have their son evicted from their home. The son, in turn, filed his own petition asking that he be allowed to remain in the house until he finishes God of War.

Former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink, author of new book ‘Way of the Warrior Kid’ recommends getting up every day at 4:30a.m.  Willink says that you can get a lot of self-betterment tasks done between 4:30 and 7a.m., and besides, it’s so much easier to kill people before they get out of bed.

Sex videos of WWE Star wrestler Paige have leaked onto the Internet. The videos reportedly show her having sex with wrestler Xavier Woods in a position they call ‘climbing the turnbuckle’.

Conservatives responded angrily when it was announced that Michelle and Barack Obama will be producing content for Netflix. One, because they’re sick of the Obamas; and two, because their first production is another Adam Sandler movie.

 

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Cherry Hill East High School apologized for its “insensitive” prom tickets which read “party like it’s 1776”, since the event happens at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. African American students found the phrase offensive; prom organizers claim they weren’t thinking of slavery, just about how many 17-year-olds got pregnant in 1776.

A Lyft driver kicked a gay male couple out of his vehicle after they kissed each other. The driver explained  he needed the space for a hotter gay female couple that wanted to kiss.

Government statistics released this week show declining birth rates in every age group of U.S. women except one: women in their 40s. Experts attribute the rise in 40+ women having babies to improved fertility treatments, lower standards, and cheaper alcohol.

A mountain lion fatally attacked a bicyclist on a remote trail in North Bend, Washington. Police shot and killed the lion as it fled on the bicycle.

A double amputee with no legs reached the summit of Mount Everest. Asked by his sherpa if his feet were cold, he replied “probably”.

Some residents of Hawaii’s Big Island had to be airlifted as lava from the Kilauea volcano advanced at rates of 300 to 400 yards per hour. So far the lava flows have destroyed 26 homes and interrupted countless pizza deliveries.

Singing star Grimes, currently dating Tesla founder and billionaire Elon Musk, is changing her first name to ‘c’, the symbol for the speed of light — and, as in, “let’s c how much money this guy will spend on me.”

Jonathan Oddi, the man arrested for entering Trump Doral Golf Club, shooting at a chandelier and exchanging gunfire with officers, was a bodybuilder and porn performer. He’s believed to be the first porn actor not welcome at a Trump Property.

A woman who left behind a cooler containing 100 ounces of her breast milk on a United flight from Florida to New Jersey was thrilled to hear that it was recovered by a flight attendant who delivered it to her house. “Here’s your 40 ounces of breast milk” he said, adding “a lot of people bought white russians on the flight after yours.”

A new World Health Organization report claims that exercising in polluted areas could be bad for your health – the report followed swimmers and aquacizers who worked out daily in the YMCA pool after kids pissed in it.

A deaf couple traveling on Delta Airlines with a Great Dane service dog got in a shoving match with a couple who complained the dog was too big, and who allegedly punched it. The couple tried telling their dog to heel, but it didn’t understand sign language.

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Meghan Markle’s father underwent heart surgery, ruling out his walking her down the aisle at Saturday’s Royal Wedding. But there’s still a small chance he could wheel her down the aisle.

Disney World announced they’re now serving alcohol at every table-service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Building on the success of their popular children’s breakfasts with Disney characters, adult men can now pay a fixed price to see if they can get a Princess hammered enough to go home with them.

20th Century Fox named Suzanne Scott its first-ever woman CEO, overseeing channels such as Fox News and Fox Business Network. Scott starts after a two-week suspension she imposed on herself for inappropriately touching the CEO.

President Trump called Scott to congratulate her on having such a nice ass.

The White House announced that President Trump donated his quarterly salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs – this after recently filed ethics forms disclosed he’d donated the prior quarter’s salary to the Department of Porn Star Affairs.

AT&T and Verizon will sell the $1300 RED Hydrogen One smartphone later this year. According to RED, the phone has a display capable of displaying “4-view holographic content.” Now owners of the phone can tell their Tinder hookups ‘you look nothing like your holograph.’

Princess Cruises is introducing the Sky Princess, a new ship that will sail the Caribbean with luxury cabins that accommodate up to five people — and luxury toilets that will let three of them with norovirus vomit at the same time.

Nev Schulman, host of MTV’s ‘Catfish’, is suspended while being investigated on charges of sexual misconduct by women who are, like, totally real and totally, like, not guys.

A Washington state Court of Appeals ruled that crime scene photos from Kurt Cobain’s death will not be released publicly. The decision regarding the photos was welcomed by Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, who’s excited to start selling them.

According to the April edition of NOAA’s Global Climate Report, Earth has recorded warmer-than-average temperatures for 400 straight months. However, the findings are disputed by your wife standing in front of the thermostat.

Recent tax law changes limiting deductible expenses are causing small businesses to cut back on entertainment outings for clients. Some businesses have stopped taking clients to expensive dinners and sporting events, and are killing the buzz at strip clubs by taking ten minutes to negotiate rates before buying clients’ lap dances.

A Delta Airlines flight crew postponing a takeoff due to a medical emergency asked if a doctor was on board, and were surprised to learn Surgeon General Jerome Adams was on board. Adams tweeted that he successfully treated the patient, which involved telling the ill passenger to stop eating the sandwich Delta gave them.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney hosted a party for city residents 100 years of age or older. 110 centenarians came to the party, and 107 made it until the end.

 

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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A passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Anchorage was subdued after running down the aisle naked waving his arms in the air. And he still couldn’t get a second bag of pretzels.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says that America has to get rid of Donald Trump. Introducing new Diet Coke w Heroin!

Chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea cases have reached record highs in California in 2017. Although the California Department of Public Health conceded that the data were recorded prior to Harvey Weinstein losing his job at Miramax Studios.

Researchers claim to have deciphered four dirty jokes that were hidden behind other paper in Anne Frank’s diary, and have asked Amy Schumer to admit they weren’t hers.

Actress Patricia O’Grady lived in a rent-controlled two-bedroom Greenwich Village apartment for $28.43/month until her death in March at age 84 after being struck by a car. Her landlord was unable to attend the funeral because he was dropping his car off for bodywork.

61-year-old ‘lunch lady’ Lenora Williams of Radford, Virginia was found to have embezzled over $250,000 from the city’s school system. Williams died unexpectedly in 2017, just days after collecting one final windfall from Taco Tuesday.

Rockport shoe company filed for bankruptcy, citing decreased demand from men wanting to look like time-travelers from the eighties who never get laid.

LaGuardia Airport in New York opened Jabbrrbox stations – 7-foot-tall glass cubes that rent for $30/hour. The cubes are billed as private airport spaces where travelers can work or relax.  They changed the name to Jabbrrbox after the public was frightened by their first-choice name, Sleeper Cells.

Facebook announced that users will be able to flag messages related to harassment, hate speech and suicide on Facebook Messenger. Although Facebook said content monitors who get sick of seeing too many flagged messages will just reply with a Thumbs Up emoji.

Facebook said they’d taken down 21 million pieces of adult nudity between January and March of this year. “Man, Zuckerberg, your wife sure posts a lot of pictures on Facebook!” joked a guy who doesn’t work at Facebook anymore.

John Travolta danced onstage with 50 Cent at the Cannes Film Festival, although 50 declined when Travolta asked for a slow song to dance to.

 

 

 

 

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First Lady Melania Trump underwent surgery Monday to treat a benign issue with her kidney.  While there, she’s expected to consult with physicians regarding a treatment plan for the 250-pound malignant tumor that periodically appears on her side.

Melania is expected to remain hospitalized for several days, but was still able to announce the promotion of three 25-year-old former college football players to her personal Secret Service detail.

Researchers at UCLA say they’ve transplanted “memories” from one snail to another by transferring RNA. Animal rights activists condemned the procedure, since the memories were from a snail suffering PTSD acquired during Operation Slow-Moving Storm.

The Supreme Court struck a victory for states rights, voting 6-3 to allow individual states to generate revenue via sports gambling — delighting gamblers who had taken the Over at 5.5.

Google is changing the name of its cloud storage service from Google Drive to Google One, so now you can save files you’ll probably never use or see again to Google One.

According to the Blue Cross/Blue Shield Association, diagnoses of ‘major depression’ have increased by 33 percent in the last five years. Although further review of the data found most of those depression diagnoses were from mid-November 2016 on.

Meghan Markle’s 71-year-old father will not be attending the Royal Wedding on Saturday. He cites embarrassment over photos he’d commissioned to familiarize himself with British customs, and not the tickets he won to a Kenny Chesney concert on the same day.

Consulting company Korn Ferry estimates that the average starting salary for a four-year college graduate in 2018 is $50,390. Or, if you exclude salaries from graduates of the University of Phoenix, it’s $75,390.

Another Southwest Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing after the cabin lost pressure, part of Southwest’s new Wanna Get Away On A Depressurized Flight? Fares.

Researchers fear a deadly new pig virus -porcine deltacoronavirus -can spread to humans. They remind everyone, especially farmers, to wear condoms.

A Salmonella outbreak linked to eggs has sickened five more people. The CDC states they’re having trouble quantifying egg-related illnesses caused by salmonella, now that Taco Bell serves breakfast.

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High winds blew a bounce house — and a 9-year-old child inside of it — on to a Southern California highway, where it was struck by a car. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” asked a California Highway Patrolman to the 9-year-old.

The Milwaukee Bucks are reportedly considering hiring San Antonio Spurs assistant Becky Hammon to be the NBA’s first woman head coach.. :

  • All 11 boys on her team are happy they’ll each get a turn to shoot the ball.
  • “Traveling? I LOVE traveling!”
  • Players will arrive 10 minutes early to pregame shootaround so she can ask “is THAT what you’re wearing?”.. and make them change, if necessary.

A mysterious bacterial infection is killing large volumes of coral reefs in the Florida Keys. Scientists aren’t sure how the bacteria got there, but they want to speak to several women seen swimming near the reefs with their bikini bottoms off.

The summit between President Trump and Kim Jong Un will take place on June 12th in Singapore. Trump will take Air Force One; Kim rarely flies, so his staff are working on air travel logistics, starting with getting him upgraded from Boarding Group 6.

North Korea is also detailing plans to dismantle their nuclear test sites – starting with a nationwide plutonium raffle, paired with one final nuclear missile shot straight up in the air that lands back on the test site.

An Iowa man – paroled after an arrest for making methamphetamine in a home where a children’s daycare operated – has been arrested again on meth charges. He explained to officers that he had to get involved in the cooking operation again, because all of his employees left for kindergarten.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly berated White House Communications staff for leaking staffer Kelly Sadler’s comment that Senator John McCain’s opposition to Gina Haspel as CIA director didn’t matter because “he’s dying anyway.” Then she got mad about the leak about her getting mad about the other leak…and so on, and so on.

Hawaii’s Big Island is bracing for more eruptions from the Kilauea volcano. Island officials are making plans for possible evacuations, and burn treatments for Tony Robbins seminar participants who keep taking barefoot ‘courage walks’ across the lava flows.

Clearwater Beach, Florida was named TripAdvisor’s World’s Best Beach for 2018, edging out such other exotic beaches as The Ones With Far Fewer Dirtbags.

A Florida mother made her son surrender to police after she saw him in surveillance video from a robbery that was captured with a doorbell camera and shared by police. She plans to post bond for her son, but he is soooo grounded.

A dragon float caught fire during the Festival of Fantasy parade at Disney World on Friday. The fire was quickly extinguished, but Huey, Dewey and Louie were questioned by Uncle Donald who wondered what they were doing with rolling papers and a lighter.

Amanda Nunes defeated Raquel Pennington for the bantamweight title in UFC 224’s main event. Nunes and Pennington are the first pair of openly gay women to face each other in a UFC title bout. “Openly” being the operative word here.

 

 

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Online influence calculator Klout is closing down at the end of May, after they calculated the most effective positive online influencing tactic was never mentioning Klout.

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz announced a new policy – anyone is welcome to use Starbucks bathrooms. whether they’re a paying customer or not. Schultz added “well, you can go in them, whether you can stand to use them is up to you.”

The open-bathroom policy at Starbucks was lauded by skeevy heroin addicts who are concerned that they’re not getting the privacy they need at public libraries.

The cast of The Love Boat reunited on The Today Show. They all spoke lovingly of the show, but collectively said their biggest regret was failing to get Charo together with Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter.

A bear in Rockaway Township, New Jersey broke into the SUV of a bakery owner, smashing the window and eating two dozen cupcakes that were left inside. Worse, the bear then left a two-star Yelp review of the bakery, saying the icing was too gritty.

A naked man was arrested at Daytona Beach airport for making a bomb threat. He was apprehended by TSA agents who told him multiple times that he only needed to remove his shoes and belt.

Liam is the most popular name given to newborn boys in the U.S. in 2017, according to the Social Security Administration – the least popular being Donald, Jr.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly told NPR that the Russia investigation of Special Counsel Robert Mueller causes President Trump to be embarrassed in meetings with other world leaders.  Not his hair, not his vocabulary, not his alleged cheating with porn stars, not shady business dealings…just Russia.

Town & Country magazine withdrew an invitation to Monica Lewinsky to attend an event on ‘social change’ when they found out President Bill Clinton planned to be there. Lewinsky criticized their poor etiquette, and Town & Country apologized, saying they should have known Lewinsky would want to be there when Clinton came.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released a list of the most “disproportionately popular jobs” in 40 major U.S. cities. In New York, fashion designers are highly concentrated; in Los Angeles, makeup artists.  Cities in Mississippi and Alabama weren’t listed since they don’t know what ‘disproportionately’ means.

White House adviser Jared Kushner and GOP Senator John Cornyn are touring a federal penitentiary outside of Dallas as part of a campaign for prison reform, and for Jared to interview roommates.