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Over 100,000 personal & financial records stolen from convenience store chain Wawa have been found for sale on the so-called ‘Dark Web’. Criminals can choose to buy lists four inches, six inches, or a foot long.

The White House is seeking to block the release of a new book by former national security adviser John Bolton, saying it contains highly classified information. They say classified info needs to be confined to secure locations like the Oval Office and the Mar-A-Lago dining room.

A jet carrying 201 Americans returning from Wuhan, China arrived in Southern California, after all on board passed health screenings and agreed to temporary quarantine. Asked what was the worst part of the flight, several passengers said “all of the emotional support chickens.”

U.S. Customs & Border Patrol found the longest illegal drug tunnel ever, connecting Tijuana and San Diego. It had elevators, electricity, a ventilation system and – most surprisingly – EZ Pass.

Two ‘dead’ satellites, a space telescope launched in the 80s and an Air Force comms satellite from the 60s, may collide in low Earth orbit at 17,000 miles per hour. It’s the first time two things that old slammed into each other that hard since Singles Night at the retirement home.

The Inouye Solar Telescope in Hawaii is taking some of the most detailed, close-up images of the surface of the Sun ever seen. They’re currently being viewed by the National Science Foundation, then they’ll be uploaded to Trip Advisor.

Bill Gates’ daughter Jennifer Gates announced her engagement to competitive equestrian Nayel Nassar. A wedding date was not announced, pending completion of Jennifer’s prenup with Nassar and his horse.

Nine-year-old Louisiana boy Tate Fegley weighs 103 pounds, but can deadlift more than twice his weight. He broke a state record, and received a sponsorship from Huggies Pull-Ups.

India reported its first case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus. Said the Indian Surgeon General “just put it on the list”.

A new report says that Amazon’s Ring security cameras share personal information with Facebook. Authors of the report cited numerous instances where the camera shared images of women in their underwear with the Wow! emoji.

 

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U.S. Customs in Minnesota seized almost $1 million in counterfeit one-dollar bills in a shipment from China. Later that day, Minneapolis police arrested a Chinese guy who had been in a strip club for 10 straight hours. 

A Florida daycare worker was fired after sending a child home with “Mom, I’m out of diapers” written on his chest & stomach in marker. She then flipped the child over and saw “and would it kill you to send some snacks for the workers?” on his back. 

Mattel is releasing “its most diverse Barbie dolls yet”, that are bald, have skin conditions, prosthetic limbs and wheelchairs. They’re only sold in packages of two so they have someone to play with. 

The written ‘Question & Answer’ portion of the Trump Impeachment Trial commences Wednesday afternoon. So far the top questions are “Can we speed this up?’ and ‘What’s for lunch?’

Jakila Taylor, an 18-year-old Florida woman, was arrested at her high school and charged with luring a man to a robbery after meeting him on Plenty of Fish. Taylor was also stripped of her presidency of the Young Entrepreneurs club. 

Louis C.K. performed a surprise set at a benefit show in New York and was greeted with a standing ovation. He then asked the women in the audience if it was okay that he, too, get visibly excited. 

A Tokyo company has been ordered to pay Nintendo $450,000 for operating an unlicensed service where tourists drive Mario Kart-like karts in game character costumes on city streets. They also face multi-million dollar lawsuits from drivers injured after spinning out on turtle shells and banana peels. 

Billy Joel’s Long Island home was burglarized over the weekend. 12 of his classic motorcycles were damaged, and his liquor cabinet was emptied into a 40-foot cargo container. 

WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella are both pregnant, with due dates less than two weeks apart. Although they may choose to induce delivery on the same day via body slams. 

Unscrupulous sellers are already attempting to capitalize on the death of Kobe Bryant by selling counterfeit Kobe memorabilia. Experts say shoes and jerseys are the hardest fakes to spot; hockey sticks are the easiest. 

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An Iowa school district is nixing time-consuming Valentine’s Day celebrations and is instead hosting “Give Love” parties. Several teachers started early, having “give love” parties with individual students in their classrooms and cars.

White House spiritual adviser Paula White claims viral video of her praying for “all satanic pregnancies to miscarry” was ‘taken out of context’. She added that, to fully understand it, you’d need to see the entire speech at her niece’s 8th birthday party.

Chipotle restaurants were cited for over 13,000 child labor law violations by the state of Massachusetts and fined $1.3 million. “Those teenage workers cost a little bit extra, is that okay?” said the Attorney General.

New research claims cancer patients who were given psychedelic ‘magic mushroom’ drug psilocybin five years ago still benefit from the drug’s positive impact on their anxiety and depression. Researchers said another positive impact came from the patients not dying of cancer.

New York City public health officials say it’s only a matter of time before the deadly Wuhan coronavirus appears in the city. Locals are already taking precautions, as evidenced by the increasing numbers of rats wearing facemasks.

Antivirus software maker Avast has reportedly been capturing users web browsing data and selling it. “Shiver me timbers! Those scalliwags know me porn preferences!” said Avast users.

The Los Angeles Chargers released Philip Rivers, their quarterback for the last sixteen seasons. Rivers is expected to look for another team instead of throwing in the towel, because the towel would probably be intercepted, anyway.

The New York Police Department has a $10 million lab devoted to cracking the encryption of iPhones confiscated during crimes. So far they’ve succeeded gathering evidence from phones encrypted with birthdays and single digits added to ‘password’.

Walmart is testing higher starting wages for employees in some stores. The new “team associate” role starts at $12/hour instead of the standard $11/hour. The extra $40/wk is expected to attract more appealing candidates who demand a luxury lifestyle.

The Supreme Court approved a plan allowing immigrants to be screened based on their wealth. To beat the system, more and more destitute people have been seen crossing the U.S./Mexico border with top hats, monocles and walking sticks.

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Clothing retailer Express closed 31 stores over the weekend – fast!

China warns the deadly Wuhan coronavirus is becoming more infectious. Australia has confirmed four cases, and is planning to control further outbreak of the virus by burning it.

U.S. health officials confirmed the fifth stateside case of coronavirus, a college student in Arizona. The student is in isolation but, like most Arizona college students, is not worried about missing classes.

Billie Eilish swept four major Grammy categories – Record, Album, Song of the Year & Best New Artist. Oddsmakers now predict ‘Joker’ will win multiple Oscars because of this being such a big year for green hair.

A new book by former National Security Adviser John Bolton reportedly confirms  Donald Trump illegally withheld aid to Ukraine until they investigated the Biden family. The White House reportedly had a preview manuscript of the book for a month, but were waiting for the pop-up version before reading it.

Disney is reportedly adding Fastpass to its Star Wars theme park rides, after visitor complaints about how many parsecs it takes for the line to move.

Florida held its annual Python Bowl, where hunters are invited to catch the large constrictor snakes to reduce their population. That evening in Miami, they held the afterparty – also called Python Bowl – an all-night gay male rave.

A new survey claims 94 percent of Millennials’ No. 1 life goal is to be debt-free. Coincidentally, 94 percent of their parents say their No. 1 life goal is to be free of Millennials debt, too.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown held a parade to recognize the Lunar New Year, welcoming the Year of the Rat. Or, as it’s called in Philadelphia Chinatown, Every Year.

The Wall Street Journal reports supermarkets are increasingly shutting down their pharmacy counters – after losing millions of dollars in OxyContin in the pharmacies’ self-checkout lanes.

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Researchers found evidence that the longest snake native to North America is breeding in the wild in Alabama – where it’s attached to a redshirt freshman for the Crimson Tide.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are reportedly “still reeling” from Harry & Meghan’s royal exit. They’re apparently overwhelmed having to pick up the slack telling Harry & Meghan’s servants which chores to do.

The Chinese market designated ‘Ground Zero’ for the deadly Wuhan coronavirus reportedly sold wolf, rat, snake, and other exotic meat. Vendors defended the practice, saying it’s all antibiotic-&-cage-free.

Shanghai Disney theme park is closing over the Lunar New Year holiday because of the epidemic, saying they couldn’t find face masks big enough for Goofy & Donald.

New York City is reportedly planning to ban cashless businesses. They say the city’s panhandlers are starving to death trying to collect money with Venmo.

A 51-year-old Massachusetts woman was arrested for pooping eight separate times in the parking lot of a sporting goods store. Police spotted her defecating out the door of her SUV, then moved in. Cops are calling it “the worst stakeout ever.”

Retired MLB star Alex Rodriguez joined Anheuser-Busch as a co-owner of the beer maker’s Presidente brand. Like A-Rod, the brewer is expected to repeatedly lie about what’s in it.

Uniontown KOA in Pennsylvania’s Allegheny Region as named KOA’s 2020 Campground of the Year. It was praised for its modern amenities, and for being next to a nice hotel where you can stay instead.

An Outback Steakhouse in Oregon is testing video surveillance to monitor server interaction with customers, speed of food delivery, and how much spit is in the Bloomin Onions.

Two women – a doctor and a reality tv star – are opening a new vaginal rejuvenation clinic in Philadelphia. The grand opening is today, after months spent on necessary steps like getting a cheesesteak vending license and hazmat certification.

 

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The FAA is considering keeping travelers from bringing emotional support animals into the cabin during air travel. They would continue to allow boarding for emotional hostility animals, also known as passengers.

A new study claims consumption of soybean oil contributes to diabetes, obesity and genetic changes in the brain. “So?” said overweight transsexuals.

Utah outlawed gay conversion therapy for children – telling parents they’re better off saving up and trying it when the kids are older.

Coca-Cola representatives attending the World Economic Forum said they’ll continue to use resealable plastic bottles, because their customers insist on drinking really fizzy – then really flat – soda out of them.

A woman on a Spirit Airlines flight accused a fellow passenger of assault, saying a man in the adjacent seat put his hands down the back of her pants while she slept. The man said he asked a flight attendant for a blanket to warm his hands, but since it was Spirit Airlines, the flight attendant said ‘no’ and told him to improvise.

President Trump dismissed reports of U.S. military personnel suffering traumatic head injuries and concussions from Iran’s missile strike on a U.S. base, calling them “headaches”. Trump said he’d “seen worse”, but that he “didn’t watch football anymore.”

A Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder claims Gritty, the team’s mascot, punched his teen son in the back at a team event. Team officials dispute the claim, but added if the kid didn’t punch back, he can’t be of much use to the Philadelphia Flyers.

Netflix executives say that, despite investor pressure to raise revenue, they won’t be airing ads during Netflix programming. Viewers say they don’t want ads either, and that they already time bathroom breaks during buffering.

Planters plans to kill off its longtime mascot, the monocled Mr. Peanut, during a Super Bowl ad. The ad – where Mr. Peanut falls to his death – replaced a more controversial version where he choked to death on his own nuts.

Retailer Gamestop declared bankruptcy. They petitioned a judge to blow the dust out of their old, massive debt and restart.

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A new Wallethub study claims Iowa is the best U.S. state to drive in. Mainly because no other place creates the same joy you get once you drive your way out of Iowa.

The Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump began in the U.S. Senate on Tuesday,  Trump watched from Davos, Switzerland, wondering when the court clerks finally bring in bag after bag of children’s letters to Santa Claus.

Queen Elizabeth reportedly considered stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their ‘Duke & Duchess of Sussex’ titles. Harry & Meghan reportedly considered stripping, too, now that they no longer receive public funds.

Health officials in Washington state confirmed the first U.S. case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus, after someone ordered the cashew shrimp.

Two NYPD officers, a male and female, were disciplined for having sex in a precinct bathroom stall. “Police! Put your hands where I can’t see ’em!” said the female.

Finance website GOBankingRates claims $100,000 in retirement savings will last the longest for residents of Mississippi. They cite affordable housing, low taxes, and the happiness from everyone there calling you a billionaire.

Houston Astros owner Jim Crane said Astros players will publicly apologize at Spring Training for stealing pitching signs in 2018. Then they’ll go to their hotel rooms with groupies in tow and think long and hard about what they did.

Due to unusually cold temperatures in Florida, the National Weather Service issued a “falling iguana” warning, since iguanas may drop from trees because they’ve stopped moving. They also issued a rare “alligators wearing hats and mittens” warning.

It’s so cold in Florida, Donald Duck was spotted in Orlando shopping for pants.

Apple is set to introduce a new low-cost iPhone around March. It’s rumored to cost about $449 for the phone, and $399 to repair the screen after you drop it.

A global study states broadband Internet service in the U.S. is more expensive than 118 other countries. The cheapest high-speed Internet service is found in Syria, although tech support there is a challenge because the call centers keep blowing up.

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The New York Times endorsed both Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren as Democratic Party candidates for President. Donald Trump said that he, too, endorses “two women at the same time”.

Frontier Communications, which provides cable tv & internet service in 29 different states, plans to file for bankruptcy. Executives blame high operating expense, and not realizing that they could just jack up prices every year for the hell of it.

Golf-ball sized hailstones hit parts of Australia. Koalas and kangaroos, already exhausted by wildfires, are now dealing with concussions.

Kelly Ripa said that she stopped drinking when Ryan Seacrest became her cohost, adding that it’s probably a good idea to wait until the show’s over at 10a.m., anyway.

Prince Harry said he and Meghan Markle had “no other option” than to stand down as royals. Meanwhile a thousand different homeless Londoners asked if they could try out Harry & Meg’s unacceptable option for a couple of days.

French tennis player Elliot Benchirit was told off by an Australian Open umpire because he asked a tournament ball girl to peel the banana he planned to eat during a changeover. The umpire told Benchirit to take it out of his shorts pocket.

Gun rights advocates gathered in Richmond, Virginia in a protest against additional gun control in the state. Asked how it was different from a Trump rally, attendees said “calmer, with fewer guns”.

Navigation app Waze is mistakenly sending drivers heading to the Borgata hotel in Atlantic City to a wildlife preserve 60 miles away. The wildlife preserve was established as a safe haven for retired Atlantic City hookers.

A commercial airline pilot has been fired for writing pro-Trump and racist graffiti in the bathroom of a Florida airport. The pilot admitted he has “anger issues” and “a new job with Frontier Airlines”.

Tim Tebow got married in South Africa over the weekend. His wife said she hopes the avowed virgin Tebow is better at sex than he is at baseball.

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All members of the United States Senate were sworn in as jurors in Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, pledging to administer impartial justice while crossing their fingers behind their backs.

HBO announced they won’t pursue a second season of ‘Watchmen’ – answering the age-old question “Who Watches the Watchmen?” with “nobody”.

Someone shot video of Tiger Woods’ 10-year-old son hitting golf balls without permission, sparking an ethical debate about filming children. His father asked that he be left alone until he’s 18 and can send his own videos to bar waitresses and porn stars.

Carlos Beltran, hired in November as manager of the New York Mets, was fired for his role in the Houston Astros sign-stealing scandal while playing in Houston. Beltran never managed a game, making him the only undefeated manager in Mets history.

The San Francisco Giants hired Alyssa Nakken to be the first female assistant coach in Major League Baseball history, working under new manager and former player Gabe Kapler. Kapler said he’s had women work under him before, just not front office personnel.

Former Giant Aubrey Huff criticized Nakken’s hire on Twitter, writing “I got in trouble for wearing a thong in my own clubhouse when female reporters were present.” A Giants spokesperson responded, saying Huff was disciplined because the Victoria’s Secret thong was not approved Major Leage Baseball equipment.

A group of researchers at Yale University completed a study that they hope will end debate about why dinosaurs went extinct. “Good luck with that” said Baptist science teachers.

Hong Kong Express airlines apologized for requiring passengers take pregnancy tests on flights to U.S. territory Saipan, where they feared women were giving birth to obtain U.S. citizenship for newborns. They also apologized for making men take pregnancy tests to prove they weren’t profiling.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr was charged with simple battery for slapping a cop on the buttocks following LSU’s National Football Championship. Beckham mistakenly assumed the cop was one of the strippers LSU staff invited to the postgame locker room.

The world’s largest Snickers bar – over 4,700 pounds – was unveiled in Waco, Texas. It’s projected to provide Waco public school students with almost 5,000 school lunches.

 

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Scientists say up to a million seabirds were killed by a “blob” of warm water in the Northeast Pacific Ocean.  A family of whales apologized, but said they all really needed to piss.

The man who “took out” an active shooter with his own gun at a North Texas Church is being recognized with the state’s Medal Of Courage.  Then, next Sunday, he’ll give parishioners a free show shooting tin cans off of Jesus’ head and outstretched hands.

At the Singapore Motor Show, a custom Subaru was on display as the Forester Ultimate Customized Kit Special edition. Subaru denied involvement with the name, while adding that – because it’s a Special edition – they only have so many F.U.C.K.S. to sell. [story h/t to J.O.]

The FDA approved a Philadelphia company’s cocaine-based drug, Numbrino, which is to be used as a painkiller for nasal surgery. The FDA added that they’re not crazy about the drug being sold by pharmacists in restrooms of Philadelphia bars.

An eating disorders specialist who weighed 325 pounds lost 175 pounds through bariatric surgery and cutting out sugar. She said that she feels much better, and that her clients don’t roll their eyes behind her back as much.

Joyce Churchwell, an Oklahoma teacher and volleyball coach, was arrested for allegedly having a threesome with a male high school student and another adult female. The student described the encounter as “a lot of bumping and spiking.”

Kylie and Kendall Jenner are being sued for stealing copyrighted lace designs from company Klauber Brothers Inc, and using them in their ‘Kylie + Kendall’ lingerie products.  Klauber Brothers claims that if there’s one thing NBA athletes and rappers care about when they’re tearing off lingerie, it’s unique lace.

Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, an Arizona Democrat, is entering a treatment program for alcohol dependence. She’s the only thing in Arizona that isn’t dry.

In a rare political ritual, members of the U.S. House of Representatives walked the Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump to the U.S. Senate. The Senate took possession of them, then walked around looking for the intern who knows how to use the Scan function on the copier.

Dog walking is emerging as a highly popular and lucrative ‘side hustle’, with owners paying $20 to $30 for a 30-minute walk. Experts warn that some dog walkers will try to cut the half-hour short by using Snausages with Laxatives.