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FedEx recruited the inventor of the Segway to build a new delivery robot. FedEx called on Segway because they want to ensure the robot looks ridiculous.

All employees at three Sonic Drive-Ins in Ohio walked off the job after the locations were sold to new management – resulting in the temporary closure of all 3. Regular customers were found passed out in their cars after spending hours shouting orders heard by no one in to a speaker.

A ‘Dinner Delivered’ food delivery driver in Tennessee was arrested for allegedly placing his testicles in a customer’s salsa because they’d only tipped him 89 cents on a prior visit. The salsa went from chunky to chunkier.

#TheWorstPartsOfMyJob is trending on Twitter, with one verified account tweeting “Anything that isn’t Executive Time.”

A 12-year-old Arizona student told police that he was ordered to ‘stand guard’ while his 13-year-old friend and their teacher, 27-year-old Brittany Zamora, groped each other. The 12-year-old described Zamora as “not a good person”, adding he never got a turn.

The Masked Singer concluded Wednesday. The winner, Monster, was revealed to be rapper T-Pain. He defeated finalists Bee – Gladys Knight; and Peacock – Donny Osmond. The search begins for Season 2, which will take a half-hour to lock in forgotten rappers and celebs who were big in the 70s and 80s.

Producers of ‘Suicide Squad 2’ announced that Will Smith will not appear as Deadshot. Smith cited scheduling issues, including promotion for his big blue genie in the live-action Aladdin, also known as Career Suicide Squad.

The equipment manager for Indiana University Pennsylvania’s basketball team forgot to pack the team’s uniforms for a road game at Edinboro University, so they had to use the host team’s old uniforms. Worse, they were football uniforms.

Robocalls grew 325 percent in 2018, leaving cell phone owners annoyed at the intrusion, and wondering why their credit cards still don’t have lower rates after they gave that guy their social security number.

An all-female version of Broadway hit ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ is in the works. Casting will begin as soon as script writers figure out how to fill two hours of stage time showing angry women in an office not speaking to each other.

An original Disney Mouseketeer, Dennis Day, has been missing for 7 months. Mickey Mouse Club officials say they’re changing the C in the theme song lyrics from “see you real soon!” to something else.

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A rhinoceros seriously injured a Jacksonville zookeeper during a training session, where neither of them did very well.

After being bitten while feeding a stray cat, a Florida woman was charged over $48,000 for precautionary rabies vaccines. The cat just assumed it wouldn’t be adopted.

The black box from the Amazon Prime Air crash in Houston has yet to be delivered to the FAA. The FAA got an email from Amazon saying a shipment label has been printed, but no delivery date is set.

Detric Lee McGowan, a South Carolina man who gained notoriety for mysteriously buying $540 worth of Girl Scout cookies, was arrested on charges of manufacturing heroin and fentanyl pills. “Look, we don’t ask where the money comes from, we just sell the cookies” said an agitated Girl Scout.

Michael Cohen is set to testify before Congress that President Donald Trump is a liar, conman and a racist — leaving Congress wondering what to ask about for the remaining eight hours after that first minute is up.

United Methodists rejected a resolution that would have permitted LGBTQ clergy and approved same-sex marriage. They’re considering a new resolution to change their name to Occasionally United Methodists.

Starbucks opened its largest location, a 32,000 square foot store in Tokyo. The store features multiple exhibits and a large meeting space, so employees can practice calling the cops on non-Japanese visitors who don’t buy anything.

Just a week after Duke’s Zion Williamson had his Nike shoe split open during a game, Indiana’s Justin Smith had the same thing happen to him with an Adidas shoe. NCAA major-college coaches are now seeing if larger sizes are still available at the Payless going-out-of-business sale.

Gerber selected Kairi Yang, an infant of Hmong ethnicity, from over a half-million applicants to be its 2019 Spokesbaby. Yang was selected because it was 5 o’clock and her picture was on top of the pile.

Viral video app TikTok is launching a series of online safety videos. They say it will help users navigate the proper way to eat detergent or snort condoms and pull them out of your mouth.

 

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Triclosan, an antimicrobial ingredient in deodorant, body spray & mouthwash, was shown to limit the effectiveness of antibiotics in mice. Researchers found that although the antibiotics given to mice for infections didn’t work, the body spray and mouthwash used by the mice meant they were still able to make out with chicks.

An exposé in The Verge claims that Facebook moderators screening violent & sexual content are subjected to high levels of stress, which they deal with by smoking weed and having sex on the job. They then post the sex pics on Facebook to keep coworkers busy.

A Donald Trump lookalike and a Kim Jong Un lookalike were both expelled from Vietnam prior to the summit between the U.S. & North Korean leaders. Summit organizers were worried that the lookalikes would make a mockery of the Trump/Kim summit by actually getting something done.

A Cincinnati Bengals season ticket holder is suing the team, saying he suffered shoulder damage after slipping & falling on vomit in the men’s room. The team claims that as a 20-year season ticket holder the victim should know how avoid injury from people vomiting while watching the Bengals.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly paid for sex at a Florida spa on the morning of his team’s AFC Championship Game win over the Chiefs. The appointment appeared on his calendar as “stretching with the team.”

The Buffalo Bills are looking for a new person to wear the costume of their mascot, Billy Buffalo. They must be good with children, have a valid driver’s license, and be able to perform mascot duties after housing an 18-pack of Labatt Blue during pregame tailgate.

Ivanka Trump criticized the $52,000 minimum staffer salary for Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, saying “people want to work for what they get.” As an example, Ivanka produced the stellar report card that earned her fake breasts and a nose job.

A study by the London School of Hygiene claims fecal matter can be found on 1 of every 6 smartphones — and 5 out of every 6 that downloaded the Kama Sutra app.

Target is launching its own collection of $9.99/bottle wine. Walmart declined comment, other than saying they see brisk sales of their $4.99 kits to make wine in your toilet.

Rotten Tomatoes will no longer allow audience reviews of movies prior to a film’s release, after trolls bombarded the site with negative reviews of Captain Marvel that many deemed misogynist, and negative reviews of A Madea Family Funeral that everyone deemed probably accurate.

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A small plane crashed through the roof of a Florida home, pinning a 17-year-old girl against the wall of her bedroom. The girl was removed safely, and the plane was led away in handcuffs.

A public interest advocacy group tested wine and beer and found traces of weed killer glyphosate in 19 out of 20 samples. The 20th sample, Coors Light, was mostly weed killer.

An New Zealand woman returned from her Australia vacation to find a spotted python curled up in her shoe. The python had begun shedding its skin during the 9,000 mile flight, so the woman was thrilled to get a belt to go along with the shoes.

A Georgia woman was arrested for disorderly conduct following a rage episode at McDonald’s after being informed of a five-minute wait for an apple pie. She was taken in to custody and photographed in red jail garb reading ‘Caution: Contents Extremely Hot’.

The White House is denying a claim that Donald Trump kissed Alva Johnson, an Alabama campaign staffer for Trump, in front of multiple people without her consent. The White House claims their denial is based on no one remembering Johnson vomiting afterward.

An ‘internet linguist’ advises against using responses such as ‘okay’ or ‘k’ in response to work emails, since it may come off as passive aggressive. Instead, they recommend deleting the email and saying you never got it.

High winds and freezing temperatures caused an ‘ice tsunami’ on the shores of Lake Erie near Buffalo, with walls of ice breaching barriers, knocking out power and closing roads. Buffalo city officials are calling it the worst weather disaster since whatever happened last week.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety tested small SUVs’ ‘pedestrian detection’ systems. Honda, Subaru, Volvo & Toyota received the highest scores. The BMW SUV failed entirely, running over the test pedestrian because it was already late for a tee time.

  • All SUVs failed the more challenging, but less strict, squirrel detection test.

Microsoft introduced the Hololens 2 augmented reality headset at Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, demonstrating real-world uses, including industrial equipment repair, medical procedures and group meetings. The headset costs $3,500 and comes with a 2-year subscription to Pornhub Premium.

An unvaccinated five-year-old French boy brought measles to Costa Rica, the first outbreak in the country in five years. “Welcome back” said customs officials to the boy and his measles.

 

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Dramatic new video shows the Mexican Navy seizing a boat carrying 630 kilos of cocaine. 620 kilos were entered into evidence; the location of the rest is unclear, although tickets are selling fast for the Mexican Navy Admiral’s Ball.

Snow fell in the Los Angeles areas of Malibu, Pasadena & West Hollywood for the first time in decades. Police department phone lines were flooded with calls from parolees asking it violated their terms of probation.

Southwest Airlines issued a nationwide “ground stop” early Friday, citing a technical issue with their computer systems. Southwest apologized for the delays and lifted the stop once they corrected the system, which supplies flight attendants with scripted terrible jokes.

Hoda Muthana, the “ISIS bride” who joined the terror group in Iraq and Syria, is suing the U.S, to allow her return. While she awaits a decision, she says she’ll keep busy writing thank-you cards to everyone who sent guns & ammo to her bridal shower.

Survivalist Bear Grylls faces fines for killing and boiling a frog in a protected national park in Bulgaria. Grylls did not have the proper permit, or proper condiments.

The world’s largest bee – Wallace’s giant bee – was spotted for the first time since 1981 by a team of researchers in Indonesia. Asked how they found it, the researchers said they were doing squats in a hotel gym and the bee appeared out of nowhere to correct their form. [h/t to Steve B for the story!]

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has reportedly been arrested for soliciting sex in Florida. Little else is known, aside from a credit card charge for the D.J.T. V.I.P. Spa Package at Mar-A-Lago.

North, maker of smart eyeglasses that use a laser to project a display in front of wearers’ eyes, laid off over 400 people. Tech insiders doubt the function of the eyeglasses, since none of the employees saw it coming.

Kim Kardashian is suing fast-fashion brand Missguided for $10 million, claiming they ripped off a dress she wore and posted to Instagram. Kim K. is also angry at Kanye West for not ripping off her dress after she went to all that trouble looking cute.

Researchers are studying any long-term impacts to a group of 200 people in Upstate NY who had eaten venison in 2005 from a so-called “zombie” deer that tested positive for ‘Chronic Wasting Disease’. So far, all of the people are healthy and eating about the same amount of brains they always did.

 

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An 18-year-old woman with no idea she was pregnant awoke from a coma to learn she’d given birth. The attending physician was relieved to know it wasn’t his fault that she didn’t push when asked.

Kim Kardashian is angry that a vintage Thierry Mugler gown she wore earlier this week was being copied by cheap knockoff factories. “I can no longer sit silent” she wrote. “We know” said everyone who’s heard chairs creak under her ass.

Two NYC women are starting a concierge service, ‘Onward’ to help people move on from breakups. They’ll pick up boxes from an ex’s apartment, arrange for counseling if needed, and help you find out if it was really them, not you.

DNA ‘hits’ from people taking genealogy tests to research their family history have resulted in three more cold-case murder arrests this week alone. It’s become so common, one company is considering a name change to 23andMeandYourFugitiveMurdererUncle.

A political action committee is launching an aggressive targeting strategy to get more scientists elected to public office in 2020. The PAC is called ‘314 Action’ — a name they switched to after STEM scientists were insulted by its original name ‘Dorks for Congress’.

Samsung announced its first foldable smartphone, the Galaxy Fold. Pricing starts at $1,980. It can be used folded with a 4.6 inch screen, or opened with a 7.3 inch tablet screen. Power users say the high price is worth it to see selfies of their penis grow to over 7 inches.

Celebrity attorney Mark Geragos has joined Todd Pugh and Victor Henderson on the legal team of ‘Empire’ actor Jussie Smollett.  Smollett’s real legal team is now bigger than his possibly-made-up assault team.

The Nike shoe worn by Duke freshman Zion Williamson broke open during last night’s game against North Carolina, causing Williamson a mild knee sprain. Nike said they’re working to identify the issue, but in the meantime are marketing the $200 Zion I, a basketball shoe that converts to a rubber sandal.

President Trump tweeted that he wants the U.S. to have 5G, and even 6G, technology as soon as possible, thinking it will improve his ability to find lost golf balls.

Founder Elon Musk predicted self-driving Tesla cars would be available by the end of the year, if regulators allowed it. Musk gave the update while announcing a preemptive victims relief fund for pedestrians mowed down by self-driving Teslas.

 

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A new study suggests that your body type – specifically, how you carry weight in your abdomen – is largely determined by genetics, and by genetically modified cheeseburgers.

Following a poor earnings forecast, Weight Watchers shares dropped from $37 to $25 on Tuesday. “Hooray!” said Weight Watchers members who don’t understand the stock market.

Honda is shutting down a car manufacturing plant in western England in 2021, resulting in the loss of 3,500 factory jobs, not counting the tea & crumpet people.

Boy Scouts of America troops are welcoming girls to join their ranks for the first time. Young women joining Boy Scouts receive a special handbook to ensure they know there aren’t Merit Badges for nudity and sexting.

According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, the number of hate groups active in the U.S. rose to its highest level last year. Hate groups are only expected to grow, following the New England Patriots Super Bowl win.

Reports surfaced that the Vatican came up with special guidelines for Catholic priests who fathered children in violation of their vow of celibacy. One of them is a $1.000 budget limit on the gender reveal party.

A huge winter storm is moving across the continental U.S., impacting up to 30 states with snow, ice and freezing rain. Experts call it “winter”.

After his sentencing to 45 years in prison for assaulting his girlfriend and setting their apartment building on fire, an Ohio man sucker-punched his attorney, breaking his nose. The attorney is considering whether to continue branding himself as “tough & smart.”

Drew Rosenhaus, agent for Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski, said the player hasn’t made a decision about his retirement. “He’s giving it a lot of thought” said Rosenhaus, in what is believed to be a first for Gronkowski.

Nike’s $350 Adapt BB self-tightening smart sneakers are reportedly breaking for some users after an Android update on their phone. “Aw man, now I have to get new sneakers AND a new phone!” said wealthy morons who don’t like tying their own shoes.

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Visitors to a Grand Canyon museum over the last 18 years were exposed to excessive doses of radiation from stored uranium ore. The park safety inspector alerted officials after several incidents of young museum nerds having rage-induced episodes, throwing tourists through walls when they were picked on.

New research suggests middle-aged men who can do 40 push-ups at a time have a 96% lower risk of heart attack and stroke. Men who can’t do 2 have a 1000% higher risk of dying from a heart attack while doing push-ups.

Southwest Airlines is the subject of an FAA investigation for improperly weighing checked baggage, creating a safety risk. A spokesperson denied the allegation, while saying concern over aircraft weight is why they boot so many big people off of flights.

Legalization of marijuana at the state level has resulted in at least 10 recorded instances of fires or explosions at facilities that extract hash oil used in edibles. On the plus side, there’s been a huge increase in the number of stoners signing up to be volunteer firemen.

16 U.S. states sued the Trump Administration to contest the President’s National Emergency Declaration and funding for a U.S./Mexico border wall. Several states including Mississippi are holding out while they wait for someone to show them where Mexico is.

Tyler Perry announced ‘Tyler Perry’s a Madea Family Funeral’ will be the final time he plays Madea. No word whether the Motion Picture Academy will feature Madea during the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ segment so everyone can cheer publicly about it.

Tony Romo will play in his second PGA Tour event in the AT&T Byron Nelson Classic. He was given a sponsor’s exemption on the conditions that he shut up and not loudly predict which club his opponent will use every stroke.

Adult website YouPorn is launching their own app. They say it will allow users more privacy, faster load times and, therefore, faster unload times.

  • YouPorn said the app is designed to meet the exacting demands of creeps flying in coach with spotty wifi.

Netflix cancelled ‘The Punisher’ and ‘Jessica Jones’, meaning Netflix will no longer have any Marvel superhero series. Netflix said they tried to warn fans with hints at the end of the closing credits, but found that losers will only wait for those in movie theaters.

Heidi Klum said goodbye as she ends a six-season run as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’. Producers said they’ll begin a lengthy search to find a replacement with no artistic/athletic/musical talent whatsoever….whoops, they just found a different supermodel.

 

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OpenAI -a non-profit artificial intelligence company – has created a text generator that’s so good, they consider it too dangerous to release. They tested by having 50 women ask if they looked good in a dress; it was able to give 50 different versions of ‘no’ that still left the women happy.

Bill Gates says that bovine flatulence – cow farts – are a dangerous contributor to climate change. The problem is not only with the methane gas, but with the millions of matches lit by cows to cover it up.

Hundreds of people traveling via British airline Flybmi are stranded after it suddenly went out of business. Flybmi still holds a comfortable lead over Frontier and Spirit in customer satisfaction.

Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations – former ‘Fox & Friends’ host & State Department spokesperson Heather Nauert – withdrew from consideration. She allegedly hired an undocumented nanny who failed to file tax returns. Nauert said she will build a wall around her yard to keep it from happening again.

Valerie Gonzalez, 32, was escorted off of a JetBlue flight from Florida to Las Vegas after a profane tirade about being seated next to a three-year-old following a day of drinking. FAA investigators are questioning JetBlue about how she got in the cockpit.

Radar Online reports Khloe Kardashian and baby daddy Tristan Thompson split, 10 months after video emerged of Thompson with other women. The split comes five months in to the NBA season, which translates to about 50 more hookups for Thompson.

The U.S. Copyright Office rejected Alfonso Ribeiro’s attempt to register his Carlton Dance from  ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. They now take on their most challenging case ever, the copyright request for the Pop & Lock by the estate of dead ‘What’s Happening’ actor Fred ‘Rerun’ Berry.

Payless is closing all 2,100 U.S. stores – so expect your cheap-ass Mom to load up on sneakers your friends will make fun of.

Former New York congressman Anthony Weiner was released from federal prison and must register as a sex offender. Weiner must live in a halfway house or home confinement, while his sexting and Tinder hookups are supervised by government employees.

NASCAR’s Daytona 500 took place Sunday, marking the beginning of Redneck New Year.

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Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, 56, married Brittany Furlan, 32, on Valentine’s Day. “Holy shitballs, we did it!” Lee posted on Instagram, quoting from his wedding vows.

  • The two will share custody of Lee’s children from prior marriages, and his hepatitis.

HGTV’s ‘House Hunters’ may be changing its format to lose voice-over narration. Apparently producers are tired of editing out the narrator asking “where did these two idiots get six figures to buy a house?”

President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency to secure funding for his border wall with Mexico. This is Trump’s fourth major declaration, following his three bankruptcies.

Rumors are circulating that Lady Gaga and fiancé Christian Carino are breaking up. Insiders claim that she’s stopped wearing her engagement ring, and moved her meat dresses out of the couple’s refrigerator.

A woman having her foot and ankle amputated due to years of chronic pain from an equestrian accident wrote a “breakup note” on the foot with a Sharpie. Before taking anesthesia for the amputation, doctors still asked her four times which foot they were removing.

A study claims that women over 50 who consume more than one artificially-sweetened diet drink per day are at higher risk of stroke. The study appeared in the most recent issue of AMA journal ‘Stroke’ – the one with President Trump’s photo on the cover.

A new website thispersondoesnotexist.com demonstrates the ability of artificial intelligence to create convincing fake faces. The site was created by Philip Wang, a software engineer, to show his mom all of the girls he’s dated.

Amazon cancelled its plans to locate a new headquarters to Queens, after Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend Lauren Sanchez almost ran out of gas trying to find a skyscraper in the outer borough to land her helicopter.

Papa John’s announced they’ll pay 100% of employees tuition for online degree programs. Because if your experience delivering pizzas won’t get you your dream job, that B.A. from University of Phoenix definitely will.

George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and other stars are calling for the Motion Picture Academy to reverse its decision to announce four Oscar winners – including editing and live-action short film – during commercials. The actors say if Oscars viewers didn’t like being bored, ‘Roma’ wouldn’t be nominated for Best Picture.