By |

A Delta Airlines passenger was outraged when he was forced to sit in a seat on his Atlanta-to-Miami flight that was “covered in feces” from a service dog on the prior leg of the flight. He still took it after flight attendants refused to clean it, and after 75 failed attempts asking other passengers to switch seats.

More than 100 women were elected to Congress, and are already working together around-the-clock on a bill to raise the thermostat in the Capitol building.

Following the mysterious fatal wreck of a Lion Air flight in Indonesia, Boeing issued a safety warning regarding the 737 MAX jet involved. Right now it’s just a sticker on the cockpit instrument panel that reads “Plane May Crash”, but they promise to dig in for more details.

Samsung is planning to introduce a new ‘flip smartphone’, so you can look even smarter in 1999.

Three managers at a home improvement company in China have been jailed after reportedly forcing employees to eat cockroaches and drink urine for missing sales targets. Video of the punishment surfaced on social media, and led to a shopper boycott of Human Atrocity Depot.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for making terroristic threats when, after being told he wasn’t registered to vote, said he was going to get a gun and come back and shoot workers. He was taken in custody wearing a “I Threatened To Shoot Up A Polling Place” sticker.

Guinness will release a new type of its classic stout, aged in bourbon barrels, hoping to capture the unmistakable scent of bourbon in the urine of drunks pissing themselves after blacking out in the bar.

Voters in San Francisco approved Proposition C, a ballot measure requiring high-revenue companies in the city to pay taxes to fight homelessness. The next step is for homeless people to decide which city they’ll fly to with their free airline ticket.

Under Armour said it will change its culture, following a Wall St Journal article alleging employees were free to put strip-club visits on their corporate cards. At first, Under Armour fought back, saying the strip club trips were to see if their jogbras and yoga pants were easily removed on stage.

Two St. Louis day care workers were charged with felonies after video from 2016 surfaced of a “fight club”; the workers gave 3-and-4-year-olds toy ‘Hulk hands’, then encouraged them to fight. A 6-year-old star witness is expected to testify, assured by prosecutors that he can keep his Championship Belt.

By |

The Spice Girls officially announced their reunion tour, featuring four of the five original members. Group managers scoured cooking websites researching substitutes for Posh Spice.

Bloomberg reports that senior citizens are rapidly replacing teenagers as fast-food workers.  Older workers are desirable for their ‘soft’ skills like interacting with people, and because they generate less saliva to spit into customers’ food.

NBC News and Fox News are both pulling a Trump campaign ad portraying a migrant caravan traveling to the U.S./Mexico border as invaders and criminals. NBC News said that it was racist, and Fox News said that it wasn’t racist enough.

  • Facebook also banned the ad, but reminds everyone you can still post all the crazy racist crap you want on Facebook, you just can’t pay them to share it.

North Korea said that if the U.S. does not ease crippling sanctions against them, they could restart buildup of nuclear weapons. The North Koreans admitted they’ve dismantled some of their nuclear arsenal, but said it can be rebuilt fast since it’s made entirely out of Legos.

Lowe’s is closing 51 stores, all of which haven’t seen many highs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics wants to ban spanking, saying it does long-term damage to children. They also want to ban yelling at, shaming and humiliating children — leaving many parents asking what’s left for them to do.

Harvey Weinstein asked a judge to dismiss his sexual assault case entirely. The judge invited Weinstein to his chambers, where he sat wearing only a robe, and asked Weinstein for a massage.

Convenience store 7-Eleven is experimenting with self-checkout.  Customers can either use the 7-Eleven app to report what they stole while in-store, or grab cash at any of the unmanned registers if they’re just there to rob the place.

Loyal customers of a California donut shop are buying out the store’s inventory every day so the owner can close early and be with his wife, who’s in rehab after an aneurysm. The owner is also able to say hi to many loyal customers suffering diabetic shock after eating a dozen donuts each day.

Billionaire Bill Gates gave the keynote address at a Reinvented Toilet Expo in China. Gates spoke about safe waste disposal as a jar of human feces rested on a pedestal next to him. After the speech Gates stayed for dinner, while the jar of poop returned to the U.S. where it’s running for Congress as a Republican.

By |

The FDA approved Dsuvia, a new opioid tablet 10 times stronger than fentanyl and 1,000 times stronger than morphine.  To curb potential abuse, it will only be used in extreme cases such as emergency rooms, or to take prior to joining your extended family for Thanksgiving dinner.

An 11-year-old in a Phoenix suburb, told by his live-in grandmother to clean his room, shot her, then shot himself. Officials said that the room is now an even bigger mess.

A university theater student in Pennsylvania was arrested for secretly using his iPhone to record women he knew using the bathroom.  The women became suspicious when they emerged from the bathroom and he congratulated them on passing their audition.

A Scottish fisherman was rescued from a cliff after he was confronted and cornered by an aggressive colony of about 50 gray seals protecting their young. He was lowered into a boat by the Coast Guard, who responded after a Scottish SEAL team took the animals’ side.

Hutch, a 13-year-old Belgian Malinois police dog in Boynton Beach, Florida – credited with taking part in over 200 arrests – has died .. just one week short of finally retiring and getting his pension.

An off-duty NYPD officer was arrested in Brooklyn and charged with DUI after driving the wrong way down a one-way street and striking a parked car. He was taken into custody when on-duty NYPD officers saw the drunk cop giving himself a field sobriety test.

Susan Westwood, 51, of North Carolina, was shown on viral video harassing two black women waiting for AAA vehicle assistance. Westwood insulted them and bragged about being white, hot, and making $125,000 working for Spectrum Cable. She was fired from Spectrum, where she was a supervisor harassing people who were late paying their bill.

Beginning today, Amazon will offer free shipping to all its customers for items arriving in time for Christmas. Amazon’s warehouse workers and delivery drivers responded to the increased workload by increasing the size of bottles they urinate in from 16-ounce to two-liter.

Jury selection began Monday in the drug trafficking trial of legendary drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. The NYPD closed the Brooklyn Bridge to transport El Chapo from a Manhattan prison to the Brooklyn trial. El Chapo said it was unnecessary, since his employees had already built a special tunnel.

  • So far, prosecution attorneys have sent home several dozen prospective jurors who greeted El Chapo by name as they entered the courtroom.

Kim Kardashian said that husband Kanye West is harassing her to expand their family to seven children. Kardashian told a friend she doesn’t know if her body could handle the stress of watching so many surrogates have her kids.

By |

Jeopardy! & Wheel of Fortune were both renewed through 2022, delighting game show fans who enjoy feeling really dumb for a half-hour, then kinda smart for the next half-hour.

The WNBA Players Association opted out of their collective bargaining agreement, in a bold move to try and get sports fans to remember the WNBA during its offseason.

Tennessee executed a convicted double murderer using the electric chair for the first time since 2007, surprising prison officials since it started on the first pull.

Avril Lavigne talked to an Australian radio station, addressing a fringe theory that she died and was replaced with a body double. “That’s so dumb, I’m the real April Lavigne!” she said.

Airports in Hungary, Latvia & Greece will add lie detector tests to screen passengers boarding flights. Anyone on a window seat found lying about the number of times they’ll use the restroom will be turned away.

Amazon will be the exclusive seller of 4,500 bottles of rare 19-year-old Bowmore French Oak Single Malt Scotch. 3,000 bottles are expected to survive being tossed on to front porches.

KitchenAid is releasing a commemorative Misty Blue color of its iconic stand mixer to commemorate the brand’s 100th Anniversary. Cooks will love the retro look of it as they shove it to the back corner of the kitchen counter to clear room for appliances they actually use.

Delta Air Lines unveiled the first of 75 brand-new Airbus A220-100 jetliners joining their fleet in the next several years. It’s the first airliner of its size to have non-metal wings, electric brakes instead of hydraulic brakes, and an easy-to-find black box for when the non-metal wings snap and the electric brakes fail.

A Michigan dad driving a minivan carrying his trick-or-treating 3-year-old son ran over the boy – twice – after he fell out of the back of it.  The boy was treated for minor leg injuries, and the Dad finally got the fun-size Snickers bars he’d demanded from his son.

Jersey Shore star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino married longtime girlfriend Lauren Pesce, before reporting to prison to serve his eight-month term for tax fraud. He will be honeymooning with his cellmate.

 

By |

A drunk American Airlines baggage handler fell asleep in the cargo hold of a Boeing 737 and flew from Kansas City to Chicago. He was suspended from work, but made friends with five or six dogs he met on the trip.

Uber announced Uber Pro, a new loyalty program for drivers that offers perks like extra pay, online college courses, vehicle dent repair, and defense attorneys specializing in sexual harassment.

A 26-year-old woman, naked from the waist down, fell through the ceiling of a Cook Out burger & barbecue restaurant in Kingsport, Tennessee, twice. After falling through the ceiling in to the kitchen the first time, the manager told her to put on a hair net, which she did, then dropped in to the kitchen again.

A man stabbed two coworkers at a Pittsburgh bar when they were telling him he was fired. The man received no severance, while the coworkers are expected to recover after being severed.

A Mississippi man was thrown out of a bar’s Halloween party for wearing a Ku Klux Klan costume. The man claimed it was an honest mistake, that he just showed up a night early for his regular meeting.

A 53-year-old woman survived 6 days in the Arizona desert after her car crashed and was left suspended in a tree. The woman told her rescuers that she actually stayed in the treed car for three days, but finally set out on foot because Google Maps would only say “rerouting”.

Megyn Kelly’s belongings were rapidly gathered and removed from her NBC News office on October 24, the day after her infamous ‘blackface’ comments. “Man, there’s a lot of shoe polish in here” said an intern holding a cardboard box.

The owner of a vegetarian restaurant in Bangkok allegedly tried to cover up a murder by serving the flesh of the victim to diners. Patrons complained that they found minced meat in their noodles. The owner/suspect remains at large, but police are hoping to trace him from his responses to angry one-star Yelp! reviews.

An experiment from The National Toxicology Program using 3,000 rodents found positive, but sparing, evidence that cellphone radio waves raise the risk of brain cancer in male rats. They also found definitive evidence of brain cancer in female rats from cellphones, since their conversations were 10 times longer.

Carnival Cruises confirmed an issue with its Carnival Sunshine vessel, causing the ship to tilt to one side.  Carnival said it was a malfunctioning fin stabilizer, passengers said it was a malfunctioning buffet, causing them to all rush to one side of the boat to vomit.

By |

Robotic dogs, seals and bears are being deployed at nursing homes and elder care facilities throughout Japan to monitor the health of residents. They want to add robotic love dolls, but they’re still trying to get the wrinkles just right.

Rumors are circulating that Nicki Minaj is pregnant. Observers are trying to figure out which bump to look at to confirm it.

After refuting claims of lead contamination and declaring on a municipal website, “NEWARK’S (NJ) WATER IS ABSOLUTELY SAFE TO DRINK”, officials acknowledge an issue and have given out 40,000 water filters. The website has been updated to read “WHY ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN NEWARK?”

Google employees are planning a walkout on Thursday to protest their executives’ handling of sexual misconduct. The route will take five minutes on foot, according to Google Maps.

Convicted mobster James “Whitey” Bulger was murdered at a federal prison in in West Virginia, and is now known as Red-&-Whitey Bulger.

The Centers for Disease Control have called sleep deprivation a public health crisis, saying that one-third of Americans don’t get enough sleep, and that millions of Americans voted for a guy who reportedly only sleeps four hours a night.

Apple said they’re halting the release of Apple watchOS 5.1, following user complaints that the update is “bricking” their watches and forcing them to look at their iPhones to see what time it is.

Apple also released a new iPad that removes the home button and can only be unlocked with Face ID. This hands-free approach received the full endorsement of people who watch porn on their iPad.

A startup company is opening a new chain of hotels, Life House. What makes Life House different is that is has its own closed social network so that guests can meet strangers while traveling. Until it receives an official name, the social network is being called “Hooking Up At The Hotel Bar”.

CVS drugstores are experimenting with a new membership program, where a $5 monthly spend gets you $10 in store credit. The program is being tweaked after oxycontin addicts quickly rolled up $5,000 store credit in several days.

By |

An Alabama woman dressing for Halloween required emergency surgery to remove the $3 vampire teeth that became stuck in her mouth. The dentist said the woman’s surgery was difficult because she’s one of the few people in Alabama with real teeth for the fake ones to stick to.

The NFL Cleveland Browns fired coach Hue Jackson, just days after the NBA Cleveland Cavaliers fired their coach Ty Lue. “Goodnight Lue. Goodnight Hue..”

A couple on a Carnival Cruise alerted the crew to the presence of a camera recording activity in their cabin. After inspecting the camera, a crewman asked if they’d like to switch rooms with a much better looking couple.

Off the coast of Monterey, California, the world’s largest deep-sea octopus nursery was discovered, with over 1,000 female octopuses struggling to get all eight of their newborns’ legs in their onesies.

A same-sex married female couple are the first to carry the same baby in each of their bodies. Bliss Coulter started by carrying the baby until eggs fertilized in her body, then the embryos were transferred to her wife, Ashleigh, who later delivered the baby. Other lesbians have viewed their DIY YouTube video over a million times.

The New England Patriots were expected to discipline wide receiver Josh Gordon for lateness by benching him for the first quarter of their game in Buffalo against the Bills. They decided to start Gordon anyway, and punish him by leaving him in Buffalo for an extra day.

HYLA Mobile, a smartphone trade-in company, reports that Americans are waiting longer than ever – an average of 2.8 years – to upgrade their phone. The study excludes owners who buy the insurance and spike their phone on the sidewalk once they’re sick of it.

Reese’s will put out a vending machine in NYC that lets trick-or-treaters deposit unwanted treats to trade for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. No word on whether the machine accepts drugs and needles.

A school bus driver in Texas was arrested for attempting to drive through a barricade and into raging floodwaters with a student riding on the bus…and three more students water-skiing behind it.

Four shots were fired into a Republican Party office in Florida, which is how Republicans had asked to be notified that their pizza arrived.

By |

AT&T claims that it’s made a world’s-first 5G connection, which it used to tell recipients their rates are going up on account of their awesome 5G connection.

Cesar Sayoc, suspect in a plot to mail pipe bombs to critics of President Trump, is a former collegiate soccer player, body builder and male dancer.  Pipe Bomber was also his stripper name.

A Sun Country Airlines pilot was arrested and accused of bringing a gun to his flight from a Florida airport. The pilot made no commentary, but his attorney said that you’d understand if you saw the people who fly on Sun Country Airlines.

Humanetics, a designer & maker of automobile crash test dummies, said that they’re making larger dummies because Americans are getting bigger. They’re also trying to make the dummies more accurate by teaching them how to text.

  • Humanetics is the second-largest maker of fat motionless dummies, trailing only Fox News.

E! Network plastic-surgery-correction show ‘Botched’ returns for a fifth season. The newest episode features Pixee Fox, a woman who says she’s had 200 surgeries, including designing some of her own, such as transplanting pubic hair to her eyebrows, and the surgical removal of crab lice from her eyebrows.

American Airlines passenger & fashion designer Anna Knight claims her checked bag was returned with all of her belongings stolen and replaced with ‘airport equipment’. And by ‘airport equipment’ she meant stuff that baggage handlers stole from other luggage that they didn’t want.

The Simpsons is reportedly dropping the Apu character altogether, disappointing those who were hoping he’d .. come again!

NBC News announced that Megyn Kelly Today will not return in the 9a.m. time slot, and that Kelly’s spot will be taken by other Today anchors. Insiders say that Kelly would like to return to her old job at Fox News, but Fox execs say they’re happy with the team of racists that already work there.

In an effort to win back users, Snapchat will debut a longform sci-fi thriller story told in a series of texts. The thriller is called ‘Dark Matter’ and is said to focus on faceless images of big black body parts that disappear.

Hershey introduced ‘Hot Cocoa Kisses’, its first holiday-only Hershey Kisses flavor in ten years. Hershey said they’re excited to ring in the season with a new way to drive winter weight gain and type 2 diabetes.

McRib is back for a limited time at McDonald’s restaurants, according to a new Surgeon General’s warning.

By |

The search continues for the person or persons sending explosive packages to Democrats and critics of President Trump. The word ‘Florida’ is misspelled in the return address, narrowing the list of suspects to all current & former Florida public school students.

  • UPDATE: A Florida man has been identified as the suspect and is being detained by police in a local sinkhole.

Paul Dorr, director of a pro-life, pro-family group in Iowa, publicly shared a video burning four library books with pro-LGBTQ messages. Dorr may face legal action, but in the meantime has been banned from story hour.

A 68-year-old New Jersey man was arrested for a 10-month spree dropping piles of dirty diapers at intersections in Franklin Township.  The slippery diapers were blamed for at least one motorcycle accident, and ruining the shoes of the marching band in the July 4th parade.

NBC News anchor and Today Show host Megyn Kelly is rumored to be negotiating her exit from the network, disappointing white suburban moms hoping for last-minute tips dressing their kids as Beyonce or Jay-Z for Halloween.

A Florida prison guard and his wife were arrested for accepting bribes in exchange for smuggling McDonald’s food, chicken wings and a cell phone to an inmate. The two were arrested after the inmate downloaded Uber Eats and attempted to have 10 Big Mac value meals delivered to his cell.

The NFL fired down judge Hugo Cruz for missing a false start call that led to a Los Angeles Chargers touchdown in a game he was officiating. The NFL Referees Association said they’ve filed a grievance on a yellow handkerchief tossed into Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office.

A New York Times article addresses the departures of two top Google executives — Andy Rubin & Amit Singhal — each of whom were paid millions after acts of sexual misconduct. Google is concerned that other executives are asking ‘who do I need to sexually abuse to get an eight-figure severance around here?’

McLaren showed off a 1,035-horsepower, three-seat hybrid supercar costing over $2 million. McLaren said the low emission hybrid drivetrain is meant to save trees while you drive the overpowering car into them.

Snapchat is losing users in the wake of a redesign and competition from Instagram. Snapchat announced daily active users dropped 1%, to 186 million — but investors were more concerned that power users posted 5% fewer pics of their breasts and penises.

Ayal Lanternari has a hit new product – Nanobebe, a baby bottle that spreads milk into a thin layer so that it can be microwaved without hot spots or nutrient damage. The bottle is also shaped like a breast, making it extremely popular with nursing children and grownup creeps.

 

By |

Grovetown, Georgia is requiring registered sex offenders in the area to report to a municipal facility on Halloween night for ‘childrens’ safety’. However, trick-or-treaters are appealing for leniency, once they found out the offenders were planning to hand out full-size KitKat bars.

More suspicious explosive packages have been identified, delivered to Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert Deniro. Deniro notified police when he received an email from UPS reading “your shipment of pipe bomb has been delivered!”

Following her now-infamous Halloween-costume blackface comments Tuesday on the Today show, Megyn Kelly opened Wednesday’s show saying “I want to open with two words: I’m sorry.” Kelly’s time slot aired a rerun on Thursday. Her Friday segment will start with “I want to open with two words: I’m fired.”

A caravan of migrants fleeing Central America for the United States has grown to approximately 10,000. Or, as Sean Spicer called it, two million.

President Trump denied using a personal iPhone that can be bugged by Russian and Chinese spies. This, as Chief of Staff John Kelly translated iMessages received in Russian and Chinese reading “speak up.”

Duchess Meghan Markle was photographed at an event in Tonga wearing a red dress with a tag hanging off of the hem. She had just arrived there from Australia, where she dedicated the grand opening of Brisbane’s newest TJ Maxx.

Google released ‘Night Sight’ mode for its Pixel smartphones, a low-light camera setting that its makers claim will save you from ever having to use the flash again. “It really is terrific!” say Peeping Toms looking at their latest Pixel snaps.

Starbucks opened a first-of-its-kind location in Washington, DC, where every employee is fluent in American Sign Language — providing a long-awaited opportunity for pretentious deaf douchebags to sign a 90-second order and still see the wrong name written on their cup.

The FDA approved Genentech’s Xofluza, a new oral medication for treatment of the flu. It’s to be taken within 48 hours of showing symptoms, or not taken at all if you’d rather just miss a full week of work.

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she was paid just $8,000 for her role in the original ‘Halloween’. Worse, the guy who played Michael Myers just got to keep his wardrobe and the knives.