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Donald & Melania Trump marked their 13th anniversary Wednesday. Traditionally, the 13th anniversary is marked with a gift of lace; so the President laced his wife’s drink with rohypnol before she could lock herself in a separate bedroom.

Illusionist David Copperfield is accused of drugging and assaulting a model 30 years ago, when she was just 17. The woman claims Copperfield poured a substance in her drink, then hid the rest of the drink by pouring it into a top hat.

Oprah Winfrey addressed recent rumors by telling InStyle magazine that she “doesn’t have the DNA for a presidential run…..just tons and tons and tons of money for it..”

Heather Nelson became the first woman to head a whisky distillery by herself. Nelson – founder of Toulvaddie brand – posed for her official CEO portrait, disliked it, and then posed for another after the artist had a few scotches…and looked great.

A senior Trump Administration official in the Housing & Urban Development department apologized for calling a member of the White House press corps “Miss Piggy”, saying “that’s the President’s job.”

Scientists in Greece have recreated the face of “Dawn”, an 18-year-old girl whose 9,000-year-old remains were found in a cave in 1993. Scientists are now working feverishly to recreate another 18-year-old girl to tell Dawn how cute she looks.

United Airlines announced that it’s increasing capacity on flights between 4 and 6% this year; Southwest said they’ll be adding 5% more room. The additions are a combination of more Basic Economy seats, and Companion Crates for people traveling with small dogs.

A New Jersey couple being married by a judge had to finish the ceremony in a courthouse bathroom, as EMTs gave oxygen to the bride’s mother for her asthma. Ironically, she was the only one who didn’t have difficulty breathing.

Facebook’s Oculus team invented a new increment of time for use in processing content. The ‘Flick’ is 1/705,600,000 of a second long; and they’re encouraging content creators to embrace it by calling Facebook “a huge waste of Flicks.”

‘Flip or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa is reportedly dating lingerie model Patience Silva. The two met on a celebrity dating app, and things got serious after she approved the five-figure budget to work in her backyard.

 

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Barry Lubin, 65, who performs in the Big Apple Circus as ‘Grandma the Clown’, resigned after a former female aerialist in the circus said he pressured her to pose for pornographic photos when she was just 16. In a statement, Lubin said “what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Honk. Honk.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with The Guardian that he doesn’t want his 10-year-old nephew on social media. Cook prefers kids that age to focus on other things, like assembling iPads.

In the wake of the U.S. corporate tax cut, Starbucks announced that they’re spending $120 million on higher wages for workers, and that eligible hourly workers will receive a bonus check of $500 with the wrong name written on it.

A 1.7-billion-year-old chunk of Canada was found in Australia. The sedimentary sandstone rocks, native to Canada, were identified by their sensible toques and the gratitude they expressed to geologists for being found.

Tiger Woods told reporters that he’s ready to return to the Tour — the Stormy Daniels ‘Make America Horny Again’ Tour.

The Justice Department is threatening to subpoena 23 so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ for failure to comply with immigration regulations. Lawyers spent several hours Wednesday morning explaining to President Trump that issuing a subpoena to a city doesn’t mean everybody in the city needs to show up for the hearing.

Wednesday is National Peanut Butter day, in case you’re wondering why your single lady friend stayed home with her dog.

Toys R Us is closing 180 stores. Amazon is offering to pick up the slack, inviting parents to bring toddlers to the toy section of their warehouses for meltdowns.

A rare endangered North Atlantic right whale was spotted off the coast of Mexico; experts say it’s the same whale that was spotted in Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month. It’s unclear why the whale is choosing this pattern, but DEA agents want to speak to the whale about the contents of a large suitcase it’s carrying.

Chinese researchers successfully cloned two twin macaque monkeys, using the same method pioneered in 1996 to clone sheep. The monkeys are healthy, living in an incubator, but are impatiently asking anyone to clone some goddamned bananas.

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A new Bankrate study states 9 million people are hiding credit cards, savings or bank accounts from their live-in partner. Surprisingly, 31% of respondents say they consider “financial cheating” worse than “physical cheating.” Not surprisingly, the men who admitted using a joint checking account to have sex with a hooker did not get congratulated for it.

Item-tracking company Tile laid off 30 employees; and the Tiles attached to their laptops and other office supplies were traced to employee toilets.

A Norwegian Airlines jet broke the record for fastest transatlantic flight in a subsonic aircraft, going from New York to London in just 5 hours, 13 minutes – a 30-minute improvement off the old record. The jet’s speed was boosted by an especially powerful jet stream, and the pilot’s decision to have Indian food for lunch.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Las Vegas McCarran Airport is adding a pop-up marriage license bureau, where lovers looking to tie the knot can buy their license for $77. Visitors are asked to complete a pre-application, or to just skip it altogether, spend the money on blackjack and have one less thing to regret.

The dog flu is spreading across the U.S. for the first time in years; animal experts say few dogs are immunized, largely because the dogs run when they hear the word ‘vet’.

Former porn star and alleged Donald Trump mistress Stormy Daniels kicked off her “Make America Horny Again” tour at a strip club in South Carolina. Official tour t-shirts are available for $25 dry, or $30 wet.

New Jersey’s first lady told the crowd at a Women’s March that she was sexually assaulted, her speech was followed by a speech from former Governor Chris Christie’s last lunch entree, which was assaulted, but not necessarily sexually.

Great Britain’s Princess Eugenie of York is engaged to Jack Brooksbank – the soon-to-be “Eugenie Brooksbank” will receive the British Crown’s Award for Most Britishest Sounding Name Ever.

Twitter’s Chief Operating Officer resigned, hashtag #TrumpIsYourProblemNow.

Rum maker Bacardi is buying tequila maker Patron for $5 billion; $4 billion in tangible assets, and $1 billion in goodwill from douchebags and drunk chicks.

 

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The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”

 

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A Florida man was arrested for DUI after he pulled up to a drive-thru at a bank and ordered a burrito. Meanwhile a different man pulled up to a Taco Bell and asked for cash. The clerk asked if he was drunk, and the driver said no, it was a goddamned robbery and to give him the money.

Actress Ruby Rose underwent successful surgery to correct a spinal condition. Though doctors said for now she can expect the incision to remain Ruby Red.

Monster has passed Red Bull to become the most popular energy drink in the U.S. Monster has 43% domestic market share, meaning 43 cans are found next to every 100 under-40 heart attack victims.

WhatsApp launched its new business messaging tool, I’mNotHere.

Amazon is planning a 20% rate increase for month-to-month Prime memberships, citing increased health care costs for drones injured on the job.

Porn star Stormy Daniels allegedly spanked Donald Trump with a copy of Forbes magazine featuring his photo on the cover, since Trump’s first choice – a copy of Teen Vogue with Ivanka Trump on the cover – was still too sticky.

Actor Michael Douglas has been accused of sexual harassment. The claims date back to a time when Douglas was actually physically capable of it.

  • No word on how this will affect Douglas’ role in the upcoming Ant Man 2; although producers are exploring a title change to Ant Man: Me 2.

A 19-year-old New Jersey woman was expelled from the University of Alabama for posting a YouTube video where she repeatedly used the n-word. “That’s not right; it’s our word”, said white Alabamians.

Porn production company Naughty America said that it’s working on a new augmented reality product featuring three-dimensional women that doesn’t involve pornography. No more details were shared, although the company recently trademarked the name Clean My Bathroom America.

Prosecutors in Bill Cosby’s sexual assault retrial want jurors to hear from 20 of his accusers this time, not just two, claiming that it was difficult for just two women to form a band to perform a song about why rape is bad.

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As part of tax reform, Apple is planning to pay a $38 billion repatriation tax on its overseas cash reserves. Apple also announced plans to build a new campus and create 20,000 new jobs, just as soon as 6th grade lets out in the spring.

Walmart is giving away free opioid disposal kits to get rid of excess pills. Walmart’s pharmacists point out that these kits are different from the opioid disposal being offered by the high school kids in the parking lot.

A doctor in Florida took a golf course photo of an alligator wrestling with a burmese python near the water. A day later, the alligator and the python were gone, banned for slow play and failure to wear collared shirts.

Americans are dubious of White House doctor Ronny Jackson’s assessment that President Trump weighs 239 pounds, and that Trump is “like, the least overweight guy you’ve ever interviewed.”

Twitter plans to inform users who were exposed to content from Russians. In a follow- up, Twitter said that the easiest way to check is to see if they’re following this person:realtrump

Researchers at the University of Manchester in England concluded that microwaves are as bad for the environment as cars – or at least the microwaves churning out British recipes are.

An Irish mother of five legally married a 300 year old pirate ghost. They’re registered at Smelly Bed, Needs A Bath & Great Beyond.

Republicans are reportedly angry at President Trump for tweeting policy positions that may lead to a government shutdown. For his part, the President said that he’s willing to work as many as 72 holes to get a deal done.

A drone in Australia was used to drop a flotation device to save the lives of two swimmers stranded in the ocean. The swimmers were able to swim to shore; the drone landed and now has his choice of hot chicks on New South Wales beach.

Spotify is launching “Spotlight” – a new podcast format that includes visual elements. Now in addition to not listening to your friend’s podcast, you can not see it, either.

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House GOP Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy recounted his recent trip with the President aboard Air Force One, saying that Trump loves Starburst candies, but only the red and pink ones. Asked who gets the yellow and green ones, he said “some kid Barron something”.

Police in Knoxville, Tennessee investigated an alarm at a Boost Mobile store and found it was caused by a raccoon. After checking his credit score, the raccoon learned he was able to get a new phone from a better service provider and left.

Danica Patrick confirmed that she’s dating Aaron Rodgers. Patrick announced her retirement from NASCAR in 2017, but expressed her excitement at still being able to qualify for the pole.

Natural Cycles, a contraceptive app approved as a form of contraception by the European Union, has been hit with a complaint after being blamed for 37 unwanted pregnancies. Natural Cycles launched an investigation, but in the meantime urged pregnant mothers to try its other app, Find That Guy I Had Sex With.

A man traveling from Iceland to England was arrested at the airport for attempting to avoid excess luggage fees by wearing eight pairs of pants and ten shirts. Airport security patted him down layer by layer, and he boarded a flight two days later when they finished.

A newborn baby boy was found abandoned at the Tucson International Airport on Sunday night. The baby was found in good health, and his first words were “please get me out of Tucson.”

The Japanese city of Gamagori issued a citywide emergency warning after a supermarket mistakenly sold lethally poisonous blowfish.  The search was later narrowed to specific women who had redeemed buy-one-get-one-free coupons for lethally poisonous blowfish.

A British Airways crew assigned to a flight from London to Ghana refused to work when the aircraft was discovered to be infested with bedbugs, and the bedbugs refused to be reassigned to coach.

The Google Art & Culture app has become a viral hit, two years after its initial release. Among its features, it matches users selfies with historic portrait works of art. For instance, photos of the President and his cabinet in the Oval Office were matched to Dogs Playing Poker.

McDonald’s announced a new Green initiative, to use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging by 2025. McDonald’s said it’s dedicating the initiative to all of its most loyal customers who have asked for the change but won’t live to see it.

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A USA Today story highlights that many of the drones people bought for Christmas have gone missing during flight. Users are upset at the money they spent, and the lost video footage of neighborhood women changing clothes.

Boeing revealed a prototype drone capable of hauling 500 pounds. The drone’s most recent test flight at max payload successfully delivered the President and his golf clubs to Florida.

CVS has banned photo manipulation for pictures appearing on beauty brands in its stores. Activists consider this a huge victory in the fight against unrealistic body images, and a huge defeat for models with zits.

Mitt Romney said that President Trump’s comments that certain foreign nations were “shitholes” is ‘antithetical to American values’. Trump clapped back saying that he was not anti-thetical, before asking an aide if “theticals” meant black people.

A Pegasus Airlines jet carrying 168 passengers slid off the runway at Turkey’s Trabzon airport and dangled nose down off of an adjacent cliff. No passengers were injured, but the captain announced that they were last in line for takeoff.

Actor and comedian Aziz Ansari issued an apology for trying to get laid.

ESPN announced a new morning show to compete with major networks. The 3-hour program, ‘Get Up’, will be hosted by Michelle Beadle, Mike Greenberg, and Jalen Rose. ESPN promises viewers interactive segments, like guessing which host will be the first one fired for sexual misconduct.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders accused Amazon’s Alexa voice assistant of shipping her an order for an $80 Batman toy because her 2-year-old repeatedly shouted “Batman”.  President Trump repeatedly denied saying “shithole” in an Oval Office DACA meeting, but his order history showed Alexa shipped a child’s training toilet to the White House.

The Emergency Management worker who mistakenly activated an incoming ballistic missile warning for Hawaii has been reassigned. He now greets tourists at the airport, puts a lei on their neck and tells them “it’s been nice knowing you.”

Amazon announced that it’s upgrading Alexa to offer not just facts and recommendations, but ‘her’ own opinion on TV shows, beer and more – followed by extended periods of silence toward guys when they ignore it.

 

 

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A school district in Niagara County, New York paid a $10,000 settlement to a 10-year-old girl who suffered frostbite while snowshoeing in gym class. Cases are pending from other students who broke their legs warming up doing jumping jacks with the snowshoes on.

The Wall Street Journal reported that lawyers for President Trump made a $130,000 ‘hush payment’ in 2016 to porn star Stormy Daniels in exchange for her silence regarding a meeting with him. No word on how much was paid to the President’s fluffer.

A 55-year-old Texas woman accused of fatally shooting her husband had recently done an Internet search for “how to kill someone and not get caught.” She then started a search for ‘how to permanently delete browser hist–‘ but then got distracted and searched ‘gun dealers’.

President Trump completed his first physical exam since taking office. The physician declared Trump to be “in excellent physical condition”, disappointing millions.

A Florida man was attacked by a bear in his backyard, since it’s believed alligators have the week off.

Sea lions have reportedly attacked four swimmers in San Francisco Bay. The sea lions bit the swimmers, before telling them this spot was ‘locals only’ and returning to surfing.

A judge in Pennsylvania ordered an Amish family to connect their outhouse to the local municipal sewer system, even though the electric motor required to do so violates their religious beliefs. The Yoder family has yet to comply, while saying it’s dangerous having to hold it while they buggy to their cousin’s outhouse two towns over.

Police chased down a Greyhound bus after receiving a 911 call from a passenger claiming that someone on the bus had a gun and was threatening them. Cops eventually apprehended the man, and the remaining passengers resumed their singalong.

WWE woman superstar wrestler Paige announced her retirement, citing a neck injury. She had hoped to return to the ring, but WWE specialists said that her neck isn’t responding to treatment with folding chairs and piledrivers.

A 20-year-old Florida man came forward to claim the $451 million Mega Millions jackpot. Women at his community college told local reporters that they’d never noticed until now just how cute he is.

Flu activity in the U.S. is reported as widespread in every state except for Hawaii. Emergency rooms say that they’re overwhelmed with visitor volume – but are thankful that people without health insurance are probably toughing it out at home.

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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth fired her 82-year-old bra fitter, June Kenton, over Kenton’s book titled Storm in a D-Cup. There’s that, and the fact that they’re both too old to pick up big, heavy things off the floor.

Teens are putting Tide detergent pods in their mouths and recording it as part of the Tide Pod Challenge. Procter & Gamble said that people shouldn’t put Tide pods in their mouth; but if they do, they’re likely to get twice as many views as the leading bargain brand.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, scientists have discovered layers of water ice buried feet beneath the surface of Mars. “Ask if they have lemon” said a researcher from Philadelphia.

First Lady Melania Trump hired 27-year-old Reagan Thompson to be her new director of policy. Thompson is to advance Mrs. Trump’s signature policies including reducing bullying, helping children, and wearing white after Labor Day if you’re visiting a disaster area like Puerto Rico or Houston.

Saudi Arabia opened its first new car showroom just for women, in advance of the country allowing women drivers for the first time. Four women suffered minor injuries in a pileup at the ladies room.

President Trump repeatedly asked lawmakers attending a meeting on DACA/Dreamers legislation why the U.S. should take in immigrants from “shithole” countries like Haiti and African nations. GOP lawmakers co-sponsoring the bill replied:

  • For the great health care;
  • Because they need guns;
  • They were in line way ahead of the Puerto Ricans.

A malware bug, labeled Adult Swine, is causing children’s game apps in the Google Play store to display pornography.  A Google spokesperson urged Android users to avoid downloading ‘Pokemon Gangbang’.

The Las Vegas Convention center experienced a power blackout during the Consumer Electronics Show. No injuries were reported, however, Las Vegas emergency rooms were backlogged treating men who’d been tasered by ‘booth babes’.

A U.K butcher locked himself in a walk-in freezer, then used a large frozen sausage as a battering ram to break free. Asked why he used the sausage, he said he got the idea after calling his wife.

Abyss Creations showed off its new ‘Harmony’ sex doll at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show. The new version has swappable faces so a single doll can be two different women, a feature added after owners complained about having to take ‘no’ for an answer.