By |

Bruce Springsteen reportedly turned down a request to name a New Jersey Turnpike rest area after him. Travelers will miss out on the chance to get sick in the bathroom of the Bruce Springsteen Roy Rogers.

Evictions are expected to spike as a pandemic moratorium ends. Homeless people are cashing in by listing their appliance boxes and tarps on AirBNB.

The owners of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills are reportedly asking for over $1 billion in taxpayer money to fully fund a new stadium. One proposal calls for taxes on Buffalo tourism destinations, which would generate the money in about 1 million years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team lost its Olympic semifinal match to Canada, 1-0. The crushing defeat deals a serious blow to the promotional plans of Subway and multiple feminine hygiene brands.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr spent $1.8 million on new porcelain dental veneers framed with 13-carat diamonds. Beckham’s teammates claim he has horrible breath since he can only get his teeth brushed at a jewelry store.

ZZ Top frontman Billy Gibbons said that the deteriorating health of late bassist Dusty Hill was “a real big challenge”; adding that Hill dying is “an even bigger challenge”.

Google Translate will launch a new update, making it even easier for American jerks to argue over the timeliness and acccuracy of their ethnic food deliveries.

New York City officials ordered the removal of a two-story outdoor dining structure built by restaurant The Izakaya NYC. The structure violated building codes, and several people suffered broken limbs walking around looking for the 2nd-floor restroom.

A man pleaded guilty to the 1971 theft of a Revolutionary War rifle from the Valley Forge Historical Park Visitor Center. The rifle will be returned to the Center once restoration experts remove the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Toby Keith stickers from it.

Matt Damon said that he’s “retired” the word ‘f*ggot’ from his vocabulary over objections from his daughters, but now he needs new nicknames for Ben Affleck and George Clooney.

By |

Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.

By |

Mattel introduced the Mattel PlayBack program, where you return older Mattel toys so they can be used to make new ones. Mattel is also hiring preteen boys with younger sisters to show them the best ways to melt down recycled Barbies.

Ben Affleck is reportedly dating Jennifer Lopez, proving that Ben Affleck does not disciminate based on age, race or ethnicity.

Helmut Jahn, famed architect of Philadelphia’s One Liberty Place, died in a bicycle crash. His family vows they’ll continue to ride, without Helmut. [Story h/t to T.M.!]

Caitlyn Jenner said she didn’t vote in the 2020 election, saying it usually takes her about 60 years to pick a side.

To protest the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s lack of diversity and alleged ethics violations, Tom Cruise returned both of his Golden Globes awards – but only after he had enslaved members of the Sea Org polish them up first.

Jeff Bezos bought a 417-foot superyacht, so big it has its own ‘support yacht’ with a helipad. The best part is he can write off the $500 million cost, since he’ll use it to make Amazon Prime deliveries to sailors on aircraft carriers.

Comedian John Mulaney is divorcing his wife of 6 years after completing his stint in rehab. Mulaney returned to stand-up last night. The VIP post-show meet-and-greet cost $49, or free for women holding coke.

American Airlines angered flight attendants with a memo telling them to skip meals to arrive at their gate earlier, to improve American’s terrible on-time metrics. Similarly, Spirit Airlines told flight attendants to save time by skipping showers and only washing their uniform overalls once a month.

McDonald’s is partnering with the White House to promote COVID-19 vaccine information on its coffee cups. The White House believes it will work, because McDonald’s cups have successfully convinced people to get coffee somewhere else.

Doctors in India are telling people to stop rubbing themselves with cow dung & urine to prevent COVID-19. They say there is no evidence that it works, although they admit it is helping with social distancing.

By |

The CDC said it’s safe for vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with low-risk family members. So grandchildren, consider yourself warned.

Five jurors have been selected in the trial of Derek Chauvin, Minneapolis police officer accused of killing George Floyd. Defense attorneys are looking to avoid juror bias, prosecutors are looking for people who can slam-dunk a murder conviction.

For the fourth time on Thursday, freshman Congressman Marjorie Taylor-Greene motioned to adjourn Congressional business for that day. Because apparently 10 weeks off isn’t enough.

A Kroger supermarket pharmacy in Virginia gave 10 people empty shots at a COVID-19 vaccine clinic. In a month, they’ll have to return for a second empty shot.

Lou Ottens, inventor of the cassette tape, passed away at age 94. Doctors were unable to save him by twirling a ball point pen in his hole. [story h/t to N.Y. ! ]

Apple announced new features coming to Apple Watch, including the ability to let the watch bore your friends by telling them about the features so you don’t have to.

Jennifer Garner said one of her daughters with Ben Affleck was kicked off a kindergarten soccer team because of paparazzi – that, and multiple red cards for kicks to the groin of opponents.

The Masked Singer unmasked its first non-winner of the new season: Kermit the Frog. So now you know that Kermit the Frog is officially a has-been.

Hillary Clinton tweeted about the 526,000 lives lost to COVID-19, and her disbelief that only a couple of them were on her enemies list.

The National Hockey League’s worst team, the Buffalo Sabres, will have fans in their home building for the first time since the pandemic started. City officials thanked the team for doing their part to give the city’s homeless someplace to go for a few hours.

By |

Three professors at the University of South Alabama were suspended after photos showed them posing with a noose, a whip, and wearing a Confederate Army uniform. However, it’s still the only college in the U.S. where you can declare Racism as a major.

Britain’s Royal Family said they are ‘saddened’ by the revelations of mistreatment shared in Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview. Nonetheless, they will struggle to carry on by sheer will and with their immense material & monetary fortunes.

Good Morning Britain‘s Piers Morgan stormed off the set and subsequently quit the show after an argument with a co-host about Meghan Markle’s allegations of racism. It was a long walk-off and shortened Piers career.

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cesar Millan offered to work with the Bidens and White House personnel to return their dogs Major & Champ, following a ‘biting incident’ with Major. First Millan has to pass security clearance by having Major sniff his butt.

Miami Heat player Meyers Leonard was placed on indefinite leave for using an anti-Semitic slur during a videogame livestream. A spokesperson for the NBA said it was a nice change of pace to deal with a different kind of racism.

A snake breeder accidentally created a python that appears to have smiley-face emojis on its skin. He sold the snake for $6,000 to someone who would’ve paid $12,000 if they were poop emojis.

Actress Jennifer Garner said on a podcast she’s “proud to look like a woman who’s had three babies”. Meanwhile, ex-husband Ben Affleck said he’s still after the right woman who looks like she hasn’t had any.

The United States will purchase 100 million more doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine, using CVS Extra Care reward bucks they got for the ones they already bought.

Viewers of ‘Jeopardy!’ give guest host Katie Couric mixed reviews on social media, with some criticizing her monotone delivery, others calling her presence comforting, and Matt Lauer saying he doesn’t think he’d have sex with her.

HuffPost employees were given a password spr!ngisH3r3 to enter a virtual meeting, where 47 of them found out they were being terminated. They then received another password urs3v3r3ncep@ckagesux to their virtual exit interview.

By |

Ben Affleck and girlfriend Ana de Armas broke up. A source said they’re at different points in their life – his point is about 30 years ahead of hers.

Pearl Jam reportedly sent threatening letters to U.K. tribute band Pearl Jamm, telling them to change their name and stop selling merchandise. Pearl Jamm’s attorneys say they won’t comply, citing landmark legal case ‘Van Halen v Vann Halenn‘.

A man was discovered living in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport for 3 months, claiming he was afraid to fly home to Los Angeles because of COVID-19. He was arrested, but immediately entered rehab to treat a Cinnabon addiction.

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter after discovering he’d sent explicit text messages and photos to a female reporter back in 2016. Porter is expected to begin a new job as Brett Favre’s publicist.

Melania Trump will not follow tradition and give incoming First Lady Jill Biden a tour of the White House living quarters prior to the Inauguration. Melania claimed it wasn’t rudeness, it’s because of Taco Tuesday.

A woman in the U.K. claims that her Gwyneth Paltrow ‘vagina candle’ exploded. Paltrow’s rep said you’re not actually supposed to light it, you just move your hands gently around it until it gets warmed up.

A Canadian teen, lost and separated from his snowmobiling group, told authorities he survived the night by staying in a snow cave that he made. “You mean that we made” said a friendly bear.

Police in Spain discovered two tons of cocaine in a shipment of charcoal. They arrested a drug dealer who really messed up helping out at the fire department chicken barbecue.

The FBI arrested Riley June Williams, 22, accused of stealing a laptop from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office during the DC riots. No word on the laptop, other than it has a new high score in Candy Crush.

Tomorrow, the “nuclear football” will transfer from Donald Trump to Joe Biden. Biden hasn’t decided whether he’ll wipe all the New England Patriots autographs off of it.

By |

Actress Anna Faris said she’s “lucky to be alive” after she and her family were sickened from carbon monoxide poisoning at a Lake Tahoe rental home. She also said her career is “lucky to be alive” after co-starring in ‘The Hot Chick’ with Rob Schneider.

This week’s powerful winter storm deposited over a foot of snow in 25 different states. It dumped so much white stuff over so much of the U.S., they named the storm El Chapo.

Rainy weather and an early frost damaged Idaho’s potato crop to the point where there may be a french fry shortage. In that event, shipment priority for fries will be given to the McDonald’s closest to The White House.

Instagram account @PassengerShaming posted a photo of an American flight that allowed a pony in the cabin as a passenger’s support animal. Other passengers were outraged, as were flight attendants who were asked to help the horse take its shoes off.

Susan Weddle, a 40-year-old Florida teacher, is accused of having sex with her son’s 15-year-old friend ‘several hundred times’.  “Where does she find the TIME?!” asked other busy teachers who can only squeeze in sex with students once or twice a month.

The NHL New Jersey Devils fired head coach John Hynes following a 7-1 loss in Buffalo. Hynes offered no comment but is said to be relieved the Devils are not in his detail.

Exes Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck allegedly argued outside of her house the day after Thanksgiving. She prefers stuffing outside of the bird, and he demands stuffing in them.

NASA cameras spotted the site where India’s Moon Lander crashed two months ago. It was right next to India’s Moon Tow Truck.

Google Photos launched a new private messaging feature, where you can share a photo with another Google Photos user, then have an ongoing chat about your breasts or penis.

Police captured two of the four teenage boys who escaped from a Nashville juvenile detention facility. The others remain at large, and cops are preparing for a tense standoff outside of Dave & Busters.

By |

Anne Hathaway said that she’s going to stop drinking alcohol for the next 18 years while she raises her child. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, then you realize at some point she’ll be reading reviews of ‘The Princess Diaries 3′.

A petition is circulating to get Maroon 5 to cancel their Super Bowl halftime show in support of NFL players’ right to protest, and also because it’s Maroon 5.

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that they’ll be offering the first ocean liner with an on-board roller coaster. The coaster will allow Carnival passengers who manage to avoid rampant norovirus to also get seasick.

John Travolta, in an interview with Us Weekly, credited the Church of Scientology with helping him through the unexpected death of his son 10 years ago – calling it some of the best money he’s ever spent.

YouTube says it will recommend fewer videos that spread political misinformation and conspiracy theories. Coming on the heels of their recently-announced ban of dangerous prank videos, people are justifiably questioning what’s left to watch.

Nike announced a deal to become Major League Baseball’s official uniform and footwear supplier starting in 2020. They asked for a one-year delay to allow time to find baseball players to kneel on the dugout steps during the National Anthem.

Ben Affleck was photographed leaving a dentist’s office with his mouth packed so full of cotton he couldn’t close it. He then checked into rehab for novocaine addiction.

Billionaire Michael Bloomberg used a speech in Virginia to liken Donald Trump to Freddy Krueger, adding that “instead of ..Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve got Trump and the Nightmare on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”. Critics were swift to point out the flaw, in that Freddy Krueger was actually pretty good at his job.

The air traffic controllers union says that flight delays at Laguardia, Newark & Philadelphia airports are a direct result of the government shutdown. While the baggage handlers union at Philadelphia’s airport say flight delays are hindering their ability to lose and steal luggage.

FBI agents stormed the Florida home of Roger Stone before dawn, arresting him on charges stemming from the Mueller investigation. A confused, agitated Stone appeared at his front door in pajamas, telling the middle-aged men that brunch didn’t start for five more hours.

 

By |

New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is trying out a new helmet, since his old model is being phased out by the NFL for not offering sufficient protection. The new helmet has a protective panel in front – if an opposing player creates a breeze near it, the yellow flag automatically flies out of the referee’s pocket.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has issued a cease & desist letter to President Trump’s attorneys, demanding that Aerosmith songs no longer be played at the President’s rallies – as was the case this week in West Virginia, when ‘Livin On the Edge’ played before the event. Kid Rock said Trump could use his music – but attendees begged Trump not to.

Three men in Clearfield County, Pennsylvania are accused of sexually abusing dogs, horses, a cow and a goat more than 1,000 times. Authorities confiscated a “large volume of homemade videos” — along with a giant stash of peanut butter, several bottles of Polo cologne, and size XXXXXXL lingerie.

Students at Harriman Middle School in Tennessee started the school year by leaving brightly-colored notes with positive messages all around the school. Notes say things like “if you believe it or not, someone loves you”; “never give up – stay strong”; & “here’s a map with the fastest way out of Tennessee.”

A Harvard professor’s video calling coconut oil “pure poison” has gone viral. Coconut oil has a higher concentration of saturated fat than butter, beef fat or pork lard. The Harvard findings were disputed by The Professor on Gilligan’s Island, who claims coconut oil is necessary for survival.

Netflix will debut a new game show, ‘Flinch’, where contestants must follow one simple rule: do not flinch. So far, all of the contestants have been eliminated after being shown the first few minutes of Amy Schumer: The Leather Special.

A Democratic congressman from Texas has called for President Trump to resign or be impeached. “This is a sad time for our country” said Representative Al Green. His words were rebutted by a Republican congressman, who told Al Green “let’s stay together”.

Vidanta, a collection of premier destination resorts across Mexico, is offering a $120,000/year job to a lucky applicant to be their Brand Ambassador. A spokesman said the selected applicant will “immerse themselves in each of our resort destinations”. Candidates who ace the interview will also be asked to fly home with several condoms full of confectioners sugar in their lower intestine.

Ben Affleck has reportedly checked into rehab for a third time after wife Jennifer Garner staged an intervention. It’s Garner’s first time directing.

Kim Kardashian says she’s “really proud” of her 116-pound figure — adding that since each breast and buttock weighs 30 pounds, she’s had to suck a lot of helium.

 

 

 

By |

Maryjane Behforouz, 48, of Indianapolis, needed the help of a Harvard Medical School professor to solve the mystery of a “crunching noise” in her head that persisted for over a year. The professor, Dr Konstantina Stankovic, discovered a small broken bone in the ear was compounding behavioral issues, which she termed ‘Funyunitis.’

A jury found former Trump presidential campaign manager Paul Manafort guilty on 8 of 18 counts of bank fraud and tax evasion. His lawyers are expected to plead for leniency at sentencing, and to plead with Manafort not to wear the ostrich skin jacket when they do.

Portland-based artist Michael Schneider posted a series of photos to Twitter of getting engaged to a “boyfriend” constructed of wine boxes.  Every gay man in love should be so lucky as to have a partner with eight spouts.

Comedian Kathy Griffin posted a video of herself dancing topless to celebrate the Paul Manafort guilty verdicts, and Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s plea deal. It’s every bit as hard to watch as her other stand up.

Barnum’s Animals animal cracker boxes now depict the elephants, lions and giraffes as cage free – although children are horrified at the images of lions killing giraffes.

Ben Affleck was photographed receiving a delivery of Johnnie Walker blue-label scotch at his home Monday, where his new Playboy playmate whiskey-loving girlfriend Shauna Sexton had spent the night. “Leave the bottle” said Sexton, as she set about forgetting the two hours she’d spent watching Justice League.

Olive Garden is bringing back its Never Ending Pasta Pass, where, for $100, holders get eight weeks of unlimited pasta. To ensure prompt seating, Pasta Pass holders will also get the table buzzer surgically attached to their body.

Ricardo Benitez, 4′ 2″ 100-pound wide receiver who was born without femurs, will be a walk-on tryout for the Baylor University football team. Benitez has a GoFundMe to raise $20,000 to attend the school, and for a special helmet to protect his from concussions when his head collides with opponents’ belt buckles.

Illusionist David Blaine is rumored to be dating supermodel Naomi Campbell. “And now, please welcome my lovely assistant who will make my penis…disappear!” Blaine said.

Former NBA star Lamar Odom said that he suffered 12 strokes and 6 heart attacks as he lay in a coma following a drug overdose — just 6 heart attacks away from a double-double.