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California Senator Dianne Feinstein passed away at age 90. She’ll be recognized with a long moment of silence on the Senate floor when Mitch McConnell tries talking about her.

Senator Feinstein reportedly took a turn for the worse when the Senate passed a new dress code this week, meaning she could no long attend hearings wearing a bathrobe.

The Centers for Disease Control said the U.S. is in the midst of a sexually-transmitted disease “epidemic”. Mississippi has the highest STD infection rate, with residents as young as 13 reporting infections after returning from their honeymoon.

General Mills debuted its first new ‘Monster Cereal’ in 35 years. Carmella Creeper, a caramel-apple flavored cereal, joins Boo Berry, Frankenberry and Count Chocula. Carmella Creeper was formerly known as Fruit Brute, but underwent cereal reassignment.

NSYNC released ‘Better Place’, their first new single together in 20 years. O-Town also plans to release new music, depending on the results of the GoFundMe they started to get studio time.

A customer dissatisfied with repair work and an auto shop owner shot each other to death. First responders were unable to revive either victim with jumper cables.

ABC’s The Golden Bachelor premiered Thursday, with 72-year-old Gerry Turner meeting over twenty 60+ bachelorettes. Turner kissed several of them, some so passionately he had to return their teeth.

National Parks will close in the event of a government shutdown. Environmentalists fear this will negatively impact bears and alligators who won’t have enough tourists to eat.

Heavy downpours flooded New York City subways. The water levels were so high, you couldn’t see which passengers were masturbating.

Police were called to Britney Spears house for a ‘wellness check’ after she posted a video dancing with knives. The cops decided not to take any action, but she was offered a job by Cirque du Soleil.

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Today is September 12th – the day after the National Day of Remembrance – the day where it’s officially OK To Forget for another 364 days.

Demi Lovato was revealed as Anonymouse on the season premiere of The Masked Singer. Judges quickly guessed her identity after she sang, and after she told judges she identified as a non-binary rodent.

Escaped fugitive Danelo Cavalcante reportedly was uninjured after a homeowner shot at him during a break-in and burglary where he stole a .22-caliber shotgun. The homeowner is hoping he returns so Cavalcante can show him how to improve his accuracy.

McDonald’s is phasing out self-serve soda stations, citing fewer dine-in customers and food safety concerns after several customers suffered Dr. Pepper overdoses.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un arrived in Russia via his armored train – The Little Engine That Could Sell Ballistic Weapons to Vladimir Putin.

Jamie Lynn Spears joined this season’s celebrity competitors on Dancing With The Stars. Meanwhile, older sister Britney will continue posting Instagram videos on Dancing With Handfuls Of Prescription Drugs.

Reports of host Jimmy Fallon’s toxic behavior on The Tonight Show have spurred a ‘Bring Back Conan’ (O’Brien)’ movement from social media users citing his kind behavior. When O’Brien inevitably refuses, the movement is expected to shift to ‘Bring Back Anyone But Jay Leno’.

A dog is recovering at a veterinary facility after being rescued from an on-ramp construction area of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia. The dog was injured after flipping off several motorists who wouldn’t let her merge.

Susanna Gibson, Democrat candidate running for Virginia’s House of Delegates, reportedly streamed sex with her husband on porn site Chaturbate. She’s trailing her Republican rival in a recent poll, but is in front of her husband’s pole in the videos.

A male New Jersey high school teacher who resigned after posting nude photos of a female student on a ‘revenge porn’ website accepted a new teaching job in a different district. In New Jersey’s public school system, you take whoever you can get.

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CVS is expanding its announced layoffs. However, investors and doctors are both concerned about the new self-service fill-your-own-prescription kiosks.

Donald Trump was reportedly allowed to ‘pre-report’ his 215-pound weight when surrendering to Georgia officials at the Fulton County Jail. He apparently pre-reported it when he was in eighth grade.

The Kremlin vigorously denied claims that Vladimir Putin was behind the jet crash that killed Wagner mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin, saying Putin has no idea how to make a bomb.

The owner of Jimmy John’s is buying Subway – saying they want to offer customers a choice of terrible sandwiches with either more meat at Jimmy John’s, or no meat at Subway.

Blackswan is a four-woman K-pop group with no Korean members. They chose Blackswan after changing their first choice, Kim-chi’li Van=il’li.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram message reading “F*ck with me . I dare you”. Her three ex-husbands said they have, and still wanted out.

Dennis Rodman had his girlfriend’s face tattooed on his buttocks, since he thought it would be nice to sit on her face for a change.

Zillow is offering mortgages to prospective home buyers with just a 1% down payment. They say it’s a good way for people to deal with soaring mortgage rates who want to experience what it’s like to have their house foreclosed & repossessed.

A former McDonald’s chef posted to social media to say 10:30a.m. – the breakfast-to-lunch changeover – is the worst time to eat there, contradicting the widely-held opinion that the worst time to eat at McDonald’s is “anytime”.

The U.S. may revise its recommended alcohol-consumption guidelines to just two beers per week. “Okay” said men sipping a 72-ounce beer.

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Apple announced new iPhones are being made in India for the first time – providing unprecedented career opportunities in India for 10-year-olds.

In a possible breakthrough in organ transplants, a genetically modified pig kidney was successfully transplanted to a brain-dead human patient. A brain-dead patient was chosen for the lower risk, and because they couldn’t ask who donated the kidney.

After 14 months of marriage, Sam Asghari filed to Free Britney.

U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team head coach Vlatko Andonovski will resign following the team’s elimination from the World Cup. Andonovski admits failing to remind Megan Rapinoe that penalty kicks need to go in the goal, not over it.

St. Louis Cardinals Lars Nootbaar had to leave the game against the Oakland A’s after fouling a ball off his groin. Before leaving he continued his at-bat with the count 2 balls, 1 strike.

An Arizona woman is charged with attempted murder after poisoning her husband’s coffee with bleach every day for months. She also faces a lesser fraud charge for not telling him the coffee was made with Folgers Crystals.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Houston to Cancun retruned to Houston after an engine caught fire. “And you guys thought I was hot!” said a jokey Southwest flight attendant to the terrified passengers.

A woman on Tik Tok caused an Internet sensation with a video saying she and her husband randomly pick which side of the bed they sleep on. They say it all depends which friend or coworker they’re having sex with on a given night.

‘Dear Abby’ published a letter from a man saying he’s aroused by his 19-year-old stepdaughter. It was later revealed the letter was written 30 years ago and signed by “Woody A.”.

An Australian couple is charged with multiple counts of beastiality for filming illegal sex acts. They also say they’re planning to shut down their dog-walking business.

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Britney Spears has given consent for ex-husband Kevin Federline to move their two sons to Hawai’i with his current wife. Britney said at first she was concerned about them being in a foreign country.

MMA fighter Mike Dragich was captured on viral video wrestling with a 10-foot alligator that had gotten on the grounds of a Jacksonville, Florida elementary school. He eventually subdued the gator, and took away the assault weapon it was carrying.

The House of Representatives passed a debt ceiling bill, after Speaker Kevin McCarthy told them if they didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to use the government Visa card for birthday pizza parties.

The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is replacing hundreds of staffers and volunteers with a chatbot named Tessa. Tessa was selected for her knowledge of eating disorders, and her great work at the Butterball Turkey tip line.

A new study finds Massachusetts is the most expensive state for child care, at an average of almost $21,000 annually. The cheapest is Mississippi, where it costs just over $5,000 per year to toss your kid on the pile with the rest of them.

Rapper Azealia Banks posted a warning to Taylor Swift, calling rumored new boyfriend Matty Healy an “incel” and to not “let..him climb the rich white coochie mountain”. Healy hopes to join John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhall, Harry Styles, and a handful of explorers who successfully summited Rich White Coochie Mountain.

A triple shooting took place just outside the emergency room entrance to Temple Hospital in Philadelphia. The victims walked everal feet to get inside, then held their wounds with one hand while they filled out paperwork with the other for 45 minutes.

On the latest episode of The Kardashians, Kim is seen telling her ex Pete Davidson “what you’re getting yourself into” at the start of their romance – as she holds up a pair of her signature Skims underwear.

Kelly Ripa said that Bravo host Andy Cohen iMessage’d her a photo of his lover’s erect penis while she was looking at her work iPad. Ripa said she closed the message instead of accepting Cohen’s invite to “watch what happens live”.

The Federal Trade Commission alleges Ring doorbell cameras were not secure for years, allowing one Ring employee to watch video footage of 81 different women. The employee admitted watching the footage, but said it took him forever to find 81 women who had sex on their front porch.

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A bear crashed a two-year-old’s birthday party in Hartford, Connecticut and ate all of the cupcakes. Nobody was injured, and the bear booked appearances at three other upcoming birthday parties.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott is out for ‘several weeks’ after suffering a thumb injury in the Cowboys’ season-opening 19-3 loss to Tampa Bay. Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy’s thumb is okay despite being stuck in his ass.

Credit card companies will create a new merchant category for gun dealers, which they say may help identify suspicious firearms purchases. However, critics say it won’t identify bulk sales of AR-15s at Ollie’s Bargain Outlet and Big Lots.

Elon Musk’s college girlfriend Jennifer Gwynne is auctioning off mementos of their time together at the University of Pennsylvania in the 1990s. Appraisers say that, after almost 30 years, the condoms Musk removed during sex held up surprisingly well.

Herb Kohler, heir to the family’s fortune in faucet & plumbing supplies, died at age 83. No cause of death was given, only that his health went swiftly down the drain.

Viral video captured a British Airways pilot announcing the death of Queen Elizabeth mid-flight between New York & London, eliciting tears from some passengers. He then announced the inflight movie as Jared Leto’s ‘Morbius’, eliciting tears from everyone.

A father and son were arrested for stomping on a guest at a Florida wedding reception, nearly killing him. Guests called it the worst-ever attempt at the Electric Slide.

Explorers have mapped an additional 6 miles to Kentucky’s Mammoth Cave system, bringing the total to 426 miles, the world’s largest. There’s now even more room for Kentuckians to live under a rock.

Apple released iOS16. It’s available to download today, for use starting Thursday when it’s finished installing.

Britney Spears said that she has no plans to ever perform again, saying she’s pretty traumatized for life. Britney’s father, Jamie, bought a bigger mailbox to fit all of the thank-you cards he’s been getting.

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A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a broken back after a hard landing on a flight to California. She fell off the sink while in the lavatory with a copilot.

A police lieutenant in a Philadelphia suburb is accused of providing answers for an oral exam to a prospective police cadet. The lieutenant denies it, and adds the answers aren’t hard, including “shoot the guy”; “where’s my bribe?” and “jelly donuts”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was prompted by a confidential informant, known only as Deep Slovenian Throat.

Disney+ is raising its monthly rates for ad-free content, despite an injunction filed to halt it from She-Hulk Attorney At Law.

Major League Baseball – whose rules prohibit in-game use of electronics – is investigating Pittsburgh Pirates second baseman Rodolfo Castro, whose cellphone fell out of his pocket as he slid into third base. The Tinder match on Castro’s screen also asked when he’d be sliding into third base.

Kevin Federline said his two sons with Britney Spears are choosing not to spend time with her because of her steady stream of nude Instagram photos. They prefer to stay with Federline, confident that they, along with everyone else, will never see him nude.

After 10 years off store shelves, General Mills is reintroducing Count Chocula, Frankenberry & Boo Berry – the Monsters Of Childhood Obesity.

Moderna’s CEO said he expects their COVID vaccine to evolve “like an iPhone”. Meaning old people will get a new one every six years.

Marguerite Koller, 99, of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania recently celebrated the arrival of her 100th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, Koller’s right hand is now paralyzed from writing so many five-dollar checks for birthday cards.

Investigators determined a foul stench in Paulsboro, New Jersey was from a truck releasing fumes from a fuel additive. They can now turn their attention to the foul stench of sunbathers along the Jersey Shore.

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Philadelphia is ending its indoor mask mandate less than a week after reinstating it, after the Centers for Disease Control determined the health benefits of wearing one didn’t outweigh the risks from the food Philly residents ate when they removed it.

Tiger Woods introduced two new 18-hole putting courses at a fun center in Sarasota. He focused on putting courses because he’s notoriously great at putting, and because it leaves more time for participants to hit on the female bartenders.

Mike Tyson repeatedly punched a passenger seated behind him on a Jet Blue flight, but walked off the aircraft before it departed. He then boarded a Spirit Airlines flight, and waited for the captain to illuminate the fistfight sign before pummeling a different guy.

A new mom’s Tik Tok video claims the key to understanding a newborn baby is deciphering nine unique baby cries – three each for hunger, fatigue, and filling their diaper.

The FAA revoked the private pilot’s license of YouTube’r Trevor Jacob, saying he crashed a small plane on purpose, jumping out with a parachute and recording it all on a smartphone with a selfie stick. Jacob remains grounded for a year, and then will start work flying for Spirit Airlines.

Amber Heard is accused of copying ex-husband Johnny Depp’s outfits as the two square off in court over a lawsuit. Heard said it was tough to find a Halloween Spirit store open in April to get a Captain Jack Sparrow costume.

Florida released four examples of math textbooks it disqualified for use in the state. The exhibits showed bar charts measuring perceived racism – with the tall bar labeled ‘Florida’.

Donald Trump mocked the shutdown of CNN+ streaming service after just three weeks. He released a statement calling it an ’empty desert’. The statement was released on multiple online outlets, including to the six people on Truth Social.

Victoria’s Secret named its first male Brand Ambassador, actor Darren Barnet. He’ll model gender-neutral apparel and give online tutorials on one-handed bra unhooking.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer said Britney Spears’ recent post about his not wanting to see her when she was pregnant with their children is false, and that he would vigorously defend Federline just as soon as Britney paid him.

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Britney Spears is reportedly working on new music for the first time in six years. She’s struggling to rhyme ‘conservatorship’.

Alcohol-related deaths increased 25% during the pandemic – and 90% in households where in-laws moved in.

A Los Angeles driver sent a rented Tesla Model S airborne at a steep intersection, crashing into parked cars before fleeing on foot. Police are offering a reward for information leading to the capture of Elon Knelon.

‘Maury‘ is ending after 30 years. Povich’s wife Connie Chung looks forward to a dinner conversation that isn’t about pregnant single women.

Kanye West’s Grammy performance was cancelled by producers, citing his “concerning online behavior” and “music that threatens the life of his ex-wife’s boyfriend”.

The Cleveland Browns claim they did “extensive research” before acquiring accused sex criminal Deshaun Watson in a trade. As a result of their research, some of the women accusing Watson are now also suing Cleveland Browns personnel execs.

Applebee’s claims they want to be “more like McDonald’s and less like Olive Garden”. Either way, someone is gonna be disappointed on Mother’s Day.

Equifax, Experian & TransUnion credit reporting agencies say they’ll remove medical debt from credit reports. Since then, they’ve been inundated with requests from people with lousy credit scores saying they went to med school at University of Phoenix.

Dating app company Match Group launched Stir, a dating app for single parents. There’s a free version, and a Premium version that costs $89.99 of your child support money.

Justin Bieber’s wife, Hailey, was briefly hospitalized for evaluation of a brain condition – unrelated to extended conversations with Justin Bieber.

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Obesity has been linked to infertility in women – leading guys who dislike condoms to reconsider their attitudes regarding “bigger chicks”.

Simon Gallup, longtime bassist for goth rockers The Cure, announced he’s leaving the band because he’s “fed up with betrayal”. And, fed up with having to have black hair.

The U.S. first daytime drive-in movie theater opened in Tennessee, featuring a gigantic LED screen. Sadly, a dozen kids died in hot cars watching a matinee.

Officials seized thousands of counterfeit golf clubs made in China. “Well that explains it” said terrible golfers who still suck after buying new clubs.

Joe Biden stands by his decision to pull out of Afghanistan, while Donald Trump stands by his decision to stay in Stormy Daniels.

A new study claims plant-based diets are the best way to avoid heart disease. “What’s the second-best way?” asked Americans.

Texas became the first state to make buying sex a felony. Owners are busy changing the sign to ‘The Best Little Accupressure Therapy House In Texas’.

The first ever Colorado River water shortage was declared. Production of Coors Light beer remains unimpacted, thanks to their strategic reserves of animal piss.

Britney Spears posted a gallery of topless photos on Instagram. “Damn” said Kevin Federline during his break at Big Lots.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars cut Tim Tebow, who attempted to reboot his career by moving from quarterback to tight end – this, before the Jaguars made him a loose end.