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Updated CDC guidance permits a reduction in separation from 6 feet to 3 feet between students in classrooms – welcome news for bullies with a 36-inch reach.

A 108-year-old Philadelphia woman received the COVID-19 vaccine. Her only complaint was her weight went up 50%.

In a new book, Sharon Stone claims a film producer asked her to sleep with a costar to improve their onscreen chemistry. It was right before Stone left the cast of a Muppet movie.

A new study claims people who walk slowly are more likely to get sick later in life, provided impatient drivers don’t kill them first.

Overseas spectators will be banned from the Tokyo Summer Olympics due to COVID-19 risk, but athletes from around the globe are welcome to be sickened.

40 teachers in a suburban Philadelphia school district called out of work on Friday, citing bad reactions to COVID-19 vaccines, and totally not a day-drinking party to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Miami Beach Police used SWAT teams to disperse spring breakers violating the city’s new 8pm curfew. SWAT officers reportedly had trouble figuring out whose partier’s hands were in the air to surrender, and which were there to wave like they don’t care.

Scientists studying women and newborns claim they’ve identified 50 new chemicals lurking in human bodies – several of them are plastics, the rest are tied to flavor variants of Mountain Dew.

A 27-year-old named Meghann quit tv survival challenge ‘Naked & Afraid’ after four days in a Mexican desert, saying she couldn’t sleep because of biting insects in her genitals. The insects weren’t thrilled with their sleeping arrangements, either.

A Chicago Cubs minor leaguer was arrested for transporting 20 pounds of meth and over a pound of oxycodone pills. He claimed the drugs were necessary to help coaches and teammates overcome the boredom of watching spring training baseball.

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Author’s Note: Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous & wonderful wife, Erin. I love you lots….

In a BBC interview, the Dalai Lama said President Trump lacks moral principle. Dalai Lama appeared confused when, for the first time, someone said to him “duhh”.

Apple’s chief design officer, Jony Ive, is leaving the company. Ive is credited with designing Apple’s most profitable innovation, the broken iPhone.

Google Maps rerouted drivers to Denver International Airport around an accident, but sent them down a muddy dirt road where dozens of them got stuck. Several said it was the second-worst thing that happened to them that day, next to flying Frontier Airlines.

Deepnude.com, an app that manipulated photos of women to make them appear naked, was killed off by its creator – but not before the site crashed when someone tried it out with a picture of Betty White.

Cookie Monster appeared at Wrigley Field and led the crowd in the traditional 7th-inning stretch singalong of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. Meanwhile, EMTs were called to the bleachers to treat his friend, Oscar the Grouch, who was trashed.

On a new episode of “Whistleblowers” a pharmaceutical sales rep for Cephalon describes how he was told to sell Actiq – a lollipop made with powerful opioid Fentanyl. The last straw was when they Cephalon make the lollipops look like Spongebob Squarepants.

Amazon is partnering with Rite-Aid — customers can now pick up their Amazon orders in Rite-Aid stores at the same time they shoplift candy & medicine.

New Jersey officials claim a toxic algae bloom is giving swimmers in Lake Hopatcong harmful rashes – citing skin examinations of multiple mobsters dredged off of the lake bottom.

According to required SEC filings, Google workers’ median 2018 pay was $246,804, compared to Amazon workers’ median pay of just $28,836.  “This is bullsh*t” said Alexa.

Still photos from the set of Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie starring Scarlett Johansson show the title character facing her most challenging nemesis yet – someone who can really act.

 

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Camden, New Jersey opened a new downtown beer garden, for people who like to enjoy a couple of drinks before getting stabbed.

Wildlife officials warn koalas are “functionally extinct”. With just 80,000 creatures, there may not be enough breeding adults to sustain a new generation. “They’re right, it’s pretty dead in here” said a male on Koala Tinder.

Astronomers are learning more about MU69, a flat rock 20 miles wide orbiting 4 million miles from the sun. They’ve determined it’s a rock, it’s cold, and maybe they should turn their attention to more interesting stuff.

2016 Chicago Cubs World Series MVP Ben Zobrist and his wife, Julianna, are divorcing. Zobrist alleges his wife has been taken out to a different ball game.

A Tesla Model 3 driver operating his car in autopilot mode collided with a truck and died, the third such fatality recorded. Tesla said they’re deciding between updating software or renaming the car Tesla 737 MAX.

Some brands of tattoo ink are being recalled because they contain harmful bacteria. You’re advised to seek medical attention if your Fighting Irishman starts foaming at the mouth.

Facebook is reportedly changing its algorithm to emphasize ‘worthwhile’ and ‘close friend’ content – leaving users scrambling to find deals on Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg movies before they disappear.

President Trump unveiled a new immigration plan, intended to prioritize immigrants with valuable skills like golf course & country club lawn maintenance.

Grumpy Cat passed away at age 7, following complications from a urinary tract infection. Less lethal complications included her pissing on the sofa.

In the wake of new legislation outlawing abortions, Alabama clinics are being flooded with calls from women asking if they’re still open. Conversely, Alabama drug stores aren’t getting any panicked calls from men asking if they still sell condoms.

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Facebook announced that they will no longer permit advertisers to target users based on their race or ethnicity. This is causing confusion and anger among older white women in the Midwest who don’t know why they’re seeing ads for braided wigs, oversized condoms and menthol cigarettes.

A meta-analysis combining 185 studies in which semen was collected over the past 40 years found that sperm concentration in men has steadily declined over a generation. “See baby we don’t need a condom” said men sharing a PowerPoint graph of the study findings with women they met at the bar.

An experimental Alzheimer’s drug, an antibody called BAN2401, is stirring hope after early trials. The drug provided an improvement of 26-30% in patient cognition over a placebo, meaning 26-30 participants actually remembered what study they were in.

The Boston Globe reported that the Necco Wafer candy factory has been abruptly closed — a huge relief to children who pretended to be grateful when given Necco Wafers by their grandparents.

Scientists discovered a liquid lake on Mars – they assume it’s where Martians piss while they’re on vacation.

A Cubs fan at Wrigley Field was struck by a metal tile that fell from the hand-operated center field scoreboard. The man required five staples to close a cut, which he received after singing Take Me Out To The Emergency Room.

Samsung is expected to announce the Galaxy Note 9 in a couple of weeks. It’s rumored to have a 4,000mAh battery, its largest ever. Experts say that’s the longest battery life of any mobile phone, expected to burn up to 12 hours.

Tammy DuBois, 52, of Pittsgrove, New Jersey was treated at an area hospital after she was attacked by a rabid fox and killed it with her bare hands. New Jerseyans have now taken to a new expression: “crazy like Tammy DuBois”. [story h/t to JL!]

Sombra, a drug-sniffing German Shepherd dog working for Colombian police – that has found 10 tons of cocaine trafficked by the Urabenos cartel – has been moved for its own safety after Urabenos made death threats. The dog’s fur was dyed blond and it now answers to ‘Sally’.

Waymo self-driving car service is offering to take customers on round-trips to pick up merchandise at WalMart. The move is being hailed as a breakthrough by chronic shoplifters that don’t own a car.

 

 

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Walmart will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout aisles in response to complaints from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, who believes the magazine degrades women. Walmart is still evaluating whether or not to display Weekly World News, following complaints that it’s degrading to half-man/half-monkey creatures.

Chicago Cubs star Kyle Schwarber is posting great stats in spring training after shedding 30 pounds in the offseason. Schwarber attributes the change to exercise, diet, and only having steroids on his ‘cheat day’.

Apple introduced new products at an event on Tuesday, including a $299 budget iPad for students, that includes the Apple Pencil for drawing. Apple said the product is the result of research showing how much students like to take photos and draw penises on them.

Self-driving car company Waymo introduced what it calls the first “premium” self-driving car, a Jaguar iPACE. The high-end SUV is wide enough to run over several pedestrians at once, and drive itself to the shop for bodywork before anyone notices.

A local Planned Parenthood chapter came under fire from pro-life conservatives for a tweet that read “we need a Disney princess that’s had an abortion.” Also under fire? Prince Charming for replying “then what did I give Cinderella the money for?”

President Trump is suggesting that funding for the controversial Mexican border wall be funded from the U.S. Military budget. A government procurement worker is thrilled because he found a great deal on bricks for $50 each.

Reality star Farrah Abraham settled her $5 million lawsuit against Viacom, claiming that the company dropped her from MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and “sex shamed” her for doing porn. An MTV spokesperson said ‘Teen Mom’ cast members’ sex lives are “none of our business…after they finish 10th grade, anyway.”

Johnny Manziel, one-time ‘Johnny Football’, met with several NFL teams regarding a possible comeback – then finished the meetings and returned to work as Johnny Pizza.

Peyton Manning reportedly turned down Fox Sports’ offer to announce Thursday Night Football, due to Fox’s request that they also project the instant replays on his forehead.

Facebook announced initiatives to make 3 major changes to their Privacy Settings, labeling them Hard, Harder, and Hardest.

 

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Hall of Fame NFL QB Y.A. Tittle died at age 90. Tittle played so long ago, ‘CTE’ was what concussed players said to sideline doctors when asked to spell ‘cat’ – before they were sent back in the game, anyway.

Analysts at Leerink, a boutique investment firm focusing on healthcare, say they’re certain that Amazon will be entering the prescription drug business. Fueling rumors? A new trademark application for the phrase Opioid Prime.

President Trump told Forbes magazine that he doesn’t think Rex Tillerson called him a moron, but implied that he would win if the two compared IQ tests. To prove his point, Trump stacked the four plastic donuts on the pole in a little under two minutes.

 

Raging California wildfires have destroyed several Napa Valley wineries. Oenophiles busily updated their profiles of the wine to say they tasted “notes of berry, smoky charcoal, and melted glass.”

The Ku Klux Klan placed flyers on cars parked at a North Carolina high school football game, protesting the removal of confederate monuments. The handouts were protested by civil rights advocates and the Chinese restaurant whose flyers were obscured by the KKK messages.

Many Americans chose to commemorate the traditional Columbus Day holiday by celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead – worrying mailmen who fear they won’t get the day off unless they’re Native American.

A 60 year-old Chicago Cubs fan is suing the team and Major League Baseball after being struck in the face by a foul ball which broke his nose, jaw and orbital bone. The Cubs countersued the man, saying his post-injury rendition of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ was the worst they’ve ever heard.

Dancing With The Stars competitor Frankie Muniz talked to People Magazine about his memory loss. Hollywood casting directors also discussed their memory loss, forgetting to hire Muniz for anything.

Mike Ditka – speaking on a national radio show – said that there has been no oppression in the United States in the last 100 years that he knows of, offering his 1980s Chicago Bears ‘Super Bowl Shuffle’ video to prove blacks and whites live in perpetual harmony.

Microsoft announced that it will no longer release version updates or new hardware for its Windows 10 Mobile phone operating system, although you can still sync Windows 10 Phones with your Zune.

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A woman saved her yellow labrador’s life with Narcan after the dog chewed open a bottle of oxycodone and overdosed. The dog fully recovered and now works as a counselor to other dogs struggling with opioids.

A Utah dog retrieved help for two girls struck by lightning. Rescuers eventually found the girls, after first misunderstanding the dog say there was trouble at the old mill.

A worker was suspended for punching an EasyJet passenger in the face after an altercation at the airport in Nice, France. Or as it’s now known, Not-So-Nice, France.

New series Star Trek:Discovery will introduce Lieutenant Stamets, the first openly gay character in the Star Trek Universe — a claim disputed by those who served on the Enterprise with Sulu and Data.

A British man totaled a new $260,000 Ferrari less than an hour after driving it off the lot. The man survived the fiery wreck and said his only regret was insuring the car with The General.

Katie Couric is leaving Yahoo. “Who? What?” said everyone under 30.

A pregnant ob/gyn went in to labor after starting to deliver her patient’s baby just minutes earlier. She told the patient to push twice – once with her hips to push the patient’s baby out, and once with her hands to hold the doctor’s baby in until she was done.

A woman called 911 to report a boa constrictor repeatedly biting her face. The 911 Operator told the woman how lucky she was, since boa constrictors usually just crush people to death.

The Chicago Cubs will give a 2016 World Series ring to infamous fan Steve Bartman. Bartman will receive two rings – one to keep and one to drop.

A new study in the journal Frontiers of Public Health states that Overfat people – those of normal body weight with too much fat in their bodies – are a growing at-risk subset of the population. Overfat people replied that they prefer the term Well-Marbled.

Los Angeles will host the 2028 Summer Olympics. Crowds of excited locals are expected to arrive at the games in the autumn.

Anthony Scaramucci is out as White House Communications Director after just one week – according to a statement he released to himself.

A U.S. District Court of Appeals sided with a consumer advocacy group, saying the FAA needs to reconsider regulating the narrowing widths of airline seats. Airlines countered that narrower seats are needed to create wider aisles to drag passengers.

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Donald Trump tweeted attacks at the hosts of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”, saying host Mika Brzezinski was “bleeding from a facelift” during a January visit to Mar-A-Lago. First Lady Melania Trump defended her husband’s tweets, and asked Brzezinski if she used the doctor she’d recommended.

White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders also defended the tweets, telling Fox News that Trump “fights fire with fire”..and that he’d have tweeted the fire emoji if he knew how to find it.

The Chicago Cubs visited President Trump at the White House. The last time the Cubs won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was President. Hearing this, Trump used the opportunity to brag that he carries a bigger stick.

Senator Ted Cruz posed with the Cubs World Series Championship trophy, finally giving Cubs fans a reason to regret winning it.

The state of California may require a warning on weed killer Roundup after research showed that active ingredient glyphosate is carcinogenic. The study followed dandelions that contracted cancer from Roundup.

  • Monsanto, the makers of Roundup, called the research “fatally flawed”. Monsanto is now hiring a new copywriter for their press releases.

McDonalds restaurants in India’s capital of New Delhi are all closing down temporarily as a result of expiring operating licenses — not because of Vindaloo McNuggets casualties.

Instagram introduced a new tool that blocks offensive comments, and also blocks spam in comments. As a result, Kardashian Instagram snaps have 90% fewer comments, and people may never know how to make money working from home.

#HeterosexualPrideDay is trending on Twitter, presumably because of people who like really boring parades.

City of Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams pled guilty to multiple bribery related offenses, thereby ending government corruption in Philadelphia for a few seconds.

An Indian doctor has created “Laughter Yoga”. It’s just regular yoga, where you don’t have to pretend you’re not laughing at the injuries, falling and farting.

The Atlanta Hawks debuted planned renovations to their home arena, including a bar behind the basket at floor level. The Hawks wanted to add convenience for groupies and people who don’t want to watch the game.

Jaguar has introduced the quickest passenger vehicle it has ever produced. At 592 horsepower, it goes from zero to the repair shop in under four seconds.