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Advocates for the disabled say that Spirit Airlines is leading the way with wide aisles and wheelchair-accessible lavatories. Fully-abled passengers aren’t as happy, since Spirit keeps putting wheelchair passengers in window seats.

Alanis Morissette said she’s going through early stages of menopause while breastfeeding. The hot flashes are so bad, her baby has to blow on the milk.

ESPN apologized for an on-air graphic shown during the NFL Draft. As the Cincinnati Bengals selected WR Tee Higgins, the graphic read that Higgins’ mom fought drug addiction for 16 years.  The New York Giants then selected Tee Higgins’ mom.

A family dog in North Carolina tested positive for coronavirus. The dog’s owners said the saddest part is watching the dog wear a mask and try to lick his own balls. [Story h/t to Michael P.]

Donald Trump plans to force meat processing plants to reopen with new restrictions to protect workers. Trump said he’ll require the hogs to line up six feet apart.

Kim Kardashian has accepted the ‘All In Challenge’ – it’s her biggest All-In Challenge since filming one with Ray J.

ABC reporter Will Reeve went viral for delivering an on-air report for Good Morning America fully dressed above the waist, but wearing no pants. In the morning news business, this is what’s known as a ‘Kathie Lee Gifford’.

The United States now has its 1 Millionth Coronavirus patient, but they were coughing too much to notice all the prizes they won.

An asteroid a mile wide will pass by Earth on April 29th but will not collide with it due to interstellar distancing.

Oprah Winfrey will deliver a virtual Commencement Address via Facebook on May 15th, but Las Vegas casinos are refusing to pay off million-to-one prop bets that Oprah would speak at the University of Phoenix graduation.

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Donald Trump suggested coronavirus could be treated by injecting disinfectant, causing the makers of Lysol to say it’s a bad idea, but would kill 99.99% of those who try it.

Nintendo confirmed 160,000 Nintendo store & eShop accounts were accessed in hacking attempts. They recommend activating two-factor authentication, where you first enter a password, then verify your voice saying “It’s-A Me”.

Valerie Bertinelli turned 60 – 21,915 days at a time.

A Fashion Institute of Technology professor of textiles said sweatpants and leggings worn during lockdown can go “a week or two” without washing – adding that when the time is right, they’ll probably just jump in the washer themselves.

Former U.S. Women’s National Soccer team goalie Hope Solo gave birth to twins. The doctor handed them to her, and she resisted the urge to kick them to midfield.

Neiman Marcus is filing for bankruptcy. If they have to ask how much they owe, they can’t afford it.

A 55-year-old man in a surgical mask was arrested for exposing his genitals outside of a Pittsburgh area Target. The store manager was quick to assure everyone that it wasn’t a Target Team Member.

Chipotle shared the recipe for its guacamole – the last line is how you collect $3 from everyone who eats it.

Burger King is giving 10,000 free Whoppers to people who scan a QR code in a commercial, meaning no free food for anyone who left their phone more than six feet away.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia arrested 30 pedophiles targeting children who were taking classes online. Almost all of the accused are trying to convince judges they were teaching Health class.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters he believes May 1st is “a bit optimistic”. He was referring not only to a date for reopening the U.S. economy, but also how long he expects to keep his job.

Al Jazeera reports ten women are rumored to be on Joe Biden’s list of potential vice presidents, pared down from a much longer list in binders he borrowed from Mitt Romney.

A Utah woman is selling face masks covered in images of penises to raise money for her charity. Her biggest customers are Catholic priests who miss seeing altar boys.

Hank Steinbrenner, son of the late George Steinbrenner and co-chairperson of the New York Yankees, died in Florida at age 63. Before he died, team officials gathered at his bedside for a final ceremony to fire Billy Martin.

If coronavirus postpones the NFL season, a third of cable TV customers say they’ll cancel. Two-thirds say they’ll wait until after the U.S. Cornhole Championships on ESPN2.

Google Wear OS smartwatches are adding notifications to wash your hands every three hours, and additional notifications for wearers of non-waterproof devices to buy a new watch.

A 93-year-old woman who held up a sign at her front door reading “I NEED MORE BEER” received a free 10-case shipment of Coors Light in a week. She’s now drunk and holding up a sign reading “I NEED TO GET LAID”.

A female Philadelphia prison inmate who died in custody had COVID-19, but prison officials claim she had an underlying condition. Asked what the condition was, they said “a dozen stab wounds”.

Disney+ is being criticized for covering Daryl Hannah’s bare buttocks with digital hair extensions in the 1984 film Splash. They’re also angering 60 year old starlets who didn’t get the part back then because of their hairy ass.

U.S. residents’ stimulus checks are being delayed because Donald Trump insisted his name be on each of them. Barron Trump and Eric Trump are being treated for carpal tunnel syndrome.

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Apple is designing and shipping face shields for medical workers. If you drop and break it they charge $49 to fix it.

New York City schools banned Zoom videoconferencing by teachers, after some uninvited participants to classes showed nudes and other inappropriate content. Though some teachers admitted those were 1-on-1 tutoring sessions for football players.

A tiger at the Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID-19. Two zoo workers died trying to put the test swab in its nose.

  • Penguins are reportedly furious they’re not big enough celebrities to get tested.

The Surgeon General called the week ahead the U.S.’ “Pearl Harbor moment”. Although, unlike Pearl Harbor, the President knew about this attack for weeks.

New studies reinforce evidence that pinkeye is a predictor for COVID-19 infection, but the CDC is waiting before advising Americans to wear masks on their butts.

Mike Pence’s wife Karen & daughter Charlotte published a children’s book about COVID-19 safety guidelines starring their pet rabbit, Marlon Bundo. Marlon talks about how he keeps six feet away from the gerbil that stays in Mike’s private office.

Singer Pink revealed she’s recovering from her own COVID-19 infection. Between the cough and fever, she thought about changing her name to Red.

Tesla showed off ventilators they’re building using their proprietary technology. They allow patients to remove themselves from the ventilator long enough to brag about having a Tesla.

Nintendo is responding to complaints that Animal Crossing: New Horizons players are finding too many eggs in the game’s ‘Bunny Day’ event. A Nintendo spokesman said ordinarily they’d tell players to “get a life”, but admit nobody can right now.

Etsy is telling its sellers of cloth masks not to make assurances they provide protection against COVID-19. Same goes for those selling homemade condoms.

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Walmart supervisors are taking worker temperatures to keep stores and warehouses free of COVID-19. So far, over a hundred robots were sent home after overheating while restocking toilet paper.

Fitbit announced its latest fitness tracker, the Charge 4. It adds GPS functionality so you can more accurately count those five steps between the recliner and the refrigerator.

Alcohol sales increased 55% year-over-year as people stockpiled booze during the coronavirus outbreak. DUI arrests are down, although cops say it’s a lot easier to spot the swerving cars on empty roads.

T-Mobile announced the completion of its merger with Sprint.  “Can you hire me now?” said the unemployed Sprint guy who used to be the Verizon guy.

Comet C/2019 Y4 ATLAS,  five times the size of Jupiter – and about half the size of the Sun – will light up the night sky as it passes Earth in late April. It was to be joined by a second comet, but that one is staying the required six light years away until April 30th.

April 1st is National Census Day. Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks, Lin-Manuel Miranda and others are urging citizens to make sure that they’re counted, even though average schmoes won’t ever count as much as big celebrities.

Donald Trump said the U.S. Government is ‘holding back’ some ventilators in anticipation of a surge in coronavirus infections, or in case he has to walk up a flight of stairs.

Burger King is bringing back its half-pound Big King XL Burger this week – despite protests saying the health care system is already overwhelmed.

Videoconference tool Zoom has a feature that alerts bosses when participants aren’t paying attention in meetings. It tracks participant eye movement, and listens for porn on the iPad next to your laptop.

Speculation is that men are at a higher risk for coronavirus because they’re much less likely to wash their hands – as evidenced by surveys, and women seeing their boyfriend’s greasy fingerprints on their breasts and buttocks.

 

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Little Caesars is offering free delivery all this week. However, it’s the first time health officials have advised ‘social distancing’ from terrible pizza.

Nintendo is delaying some physical-copy shipments of new community-building game Animal Crossing: New Horizons, while they add new gameplay where nobody in the community gets anything done for at least two months. 

A new viral video craze, ‘the coronavirus challenge’ has emerged, with young people licking doorknobs and toilet seats. This is different from the coronavirus challenge among older people – not dying. 

The European Union is urging Netflix to stop showing video in high definition to keep the Internet stable. In other news, ‘cam girls’ welcome the switch to standard definition streaming since it saves them money on makeup. 

Ivanka Trump urged parents to share fun ways to spend time with their children, like ‘having the nannies put on a show’, ‘watching your servants disinfect the house’, and ‘cheering as grampa insults asians’. 

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx shared a surprise quarantine photo with his family. Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars shared a surprise quarantine photo hooked up to his ventilator. 

Formula 1 Racing’s Monaco Grand Prix has been canceled, after Prince Albert tested positive for COVID-19. Prince Albert will be in a can indefinitely. 

Scientists identified a new species of shark in the West Indian Ocean – six-gill sawsharks.  They have long snouts, external teeth and feelers, and were discovered auditioning for a terrible new movie on SyFy Channel.

Donald Trump will no longer shake hands. He’ll also no longer kiss babies, unless he buys another beauty pageant. 

Westfield Malls announced it’s closing all of its locations, with the exception of “essential” retail outlets. Mall officials will meet with a contingent of douchebags to assess whether Hot Topic will stay open. 

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Apple announced a ban on all coronavirus-and-quarantine themed games submitted to the App Store, including Pokemon Stay.

The NFL Players Association approved a new collective bargaining agreement, which adds a 17th regular season game. The 17th game was needed so the Jacksonville Jaguars could play one home game in Florida, instead of London or Mexico.

The White House doctor stated Donald Trump tested negative for coronavirus, but still received a penicillin shot for some other stuff he found.

While Major League Baseball is on hiatus, PBS stations will air Ken Burns documentary series ‘Baseball’ to ensure everyone still has a way to stay bored.

Comcast announced it will not overcharge customers for internet usage while they quarantine for coronavirus. A spokesperson said the move toward not gouging customers required Comcast to retrain every employee.

Dozens of states have closed schools for weeks. In response, bullies announced they’re tripling staff to beat up all of the newly home-schooled kids.

West Virginia is now the only U.S. state without a confirmed case of COVID-19, but doctors admit it’s tougher to diagnose in lungs coated with coal dust.

Boeing reached a deal with Spirit Airlines to restart production on its 737-MAX jets –so now people can save money when they die.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio halted visits to New York City prisons during the coronavirus outbreak. Casting was halted on Weinstein Productions latest film.

Gumby’s Pizza in State College, Pennsylvania was shut down for using a food preparation table as a bed to ink tattoos. Since the tattoos now won’t be done in a half-hour, they’re free.

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With more & more large corporations and government agencies approving employees working from home, AMC & Regal movie theaters announced they’ll be adding more matinee showtimes.

Levi’s and Nintendo are partnering to launch Super Mario-themed apparel, including Mario’s signature blue denim overalls. However, fans are angry because they don’t fit anyone over three feet tall.

Walmart confirmed a coronavirus case in one of its stores – local health inspectors called it the 19th-most scary disease they found there.

A Florida couple still stuck aboard the Grand Princess cruise ship filed a $1 million lawsuit over Princess Cruises’ handling of the coronavirus outbreak. Princess Cruises said they plan to remove the bench where they lawyer had been advertising.

Rob Gronkowski is reportedly close to signing a deal to appear at WWE pro wrestling events. For now, he’s doing intense studying to meet WWE’s exacting standards for athlete intelligence.

A New Jersey 7-Eleven store owner faces multiple charges for selling homemade hand sanitizer that gave four children first-and-second degree burns. The concoction was a mix of a commercial hand sanitizer, water, and 7-Eleven coffee.

McDonald’s is expanding its lineup of Big Mac sandwiches, adding a Big Mac with just one beef patty and another with four. The one-patty sandwich is called the Little Mac, and the four-patty sandwich is called Half of Donald Trump’s Lunch.

A study from Yale researchers found consumption of artifical sweetener sucralose, along with high-levels of carbohydrates, may raise blood sugar in healthy people to dangerous levels. The study followed a group of people who like putting Splenda on french fries.

Microsoft and its security partners announced the March 10th takedown of the Necurs botnet – believed to be responsible for up to 90% of the world’s email-distributed malware. In other news, the Trump 2020 campaign reported a 90% drop in donations on March 10th.

Starbucks is testing a new fully recyclable, compostable, paper coffee cup.  For its part, Dunkin is testing a new coffee that you can pour into your compost heap to make the worms work faster instead of drinking it yourself.

 

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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Two members of rock band Journey were fired, accused of using a holding company to gain control of the Journey name & trademark for financial gain. In other news, the name & trademark for Dexy’s Midnight Runners sold for $4.59 on eBay.

According to the Boston Herald, a phone call between New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady “did not go well”. Presumably, when Brady found out three different people were recording it.

Retired NHL tough guy Matthew Barnaby, formerly of the Buffalo Sabres, was arrested in Nashvillle for allegedly choking the bouncer at a bar. Barnaby was taken to a hospital when he jumped out of the moving squad car after five minutes.

Katy Perry officially announced she’s expecting a baby with fiancee Orlando Bloom. Perry tweeted “omg so glad I don’t have to suck it in anymore”.  Bloom replied “wait..what?”.

Donald Trump told Sean Hannity he thinks it’s okay if people with coronavirus continue to go to work, but only after they watch five hours of tv in the morning and eat a hearty hamburger or fried chicken lunch.

Starbucks is suspending customers’ using their own mug or tumbler to be filled with coffee drinks, citing coronavirus concerns. So now, expect the person ahead of you to punctuate their pretentious 60-second order with an equally long argument.

Ryan Seacrest of ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’ revealed part of his preshow routine is to not make eye contact with co-host Kelly Ripa. Husbands of their biggest fans say it’s just like their weekday routine of never making eye contact with the show.

In a meeting with airline executives about coronavirus plans, Donald Trump claimed he hadn’t touched his own face in weeks. He added that he’s fine not touching his face as long as he can pick his nose and teeth.

The makers of Tito’s vodka warned it can’t be used in homemade hand sanitizer because it’s only 40% alcohol. The makers of Bankers Club vodka say they actually prefer you using it as hand sanitizer instead of drinking it.

Target employees claim they’ve received no communication from senior management about how to handle the coronavirus. Walmart employees say they’ve been told to keep coughing on customers and napping as usual.