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A study finds that a two-shot version of the Johnson & Johnson COVID vaccine is 94% effective in preventing serious infection. Americans are eagerly awaiting the new Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson shots.

The International Federation of Sport Climbing issued an apology to competitor Johanna Farber, after tv coverage of the world championships showed an extended closeup of chalk handprints on her buttocks. Farber complained about being sexualized, and about being called ‘a real handful’.

A study of Tesla drivers finds they become “inattentive” when using their car’s Autopilot feature. The study surveyed 100 owners of Teslas totaled by trees and telephone poles.

Chipotle Mexican Grill is adding smoked brisket as a meat option for a limited time, with “limited time” believed to be the earlier of one month, or ten E.coli poisonings.

Apple is working on technology to detect depression in users. They’ll analyze iMessages to see how long it’s been since iPhone owners got laid.

SpaceX’s civilian astronauts, who spent three days in space on the Inspiration 4, said they encountered problems with the toilets on board – specifically, really old magazines.

Researchers at Washington University of St. Louis say they can determine when patients first show signs of Alzheimer’s related dementia – it’s when they show up for their dementia exam and ask when the movie is going to start.

The search for Gabby Petito’s fiance Brian Laundrie – a person of interest in her death – resumes in Florida. Investigators obtained search warrants in order to floss the teeth of alligators in the remote glades where he may have been hiding.

Western U.S. wildfires are threatening the lives of some of the country’s oldest trees, and driving up home prices for squirrels.

HGTV star Christina Haack showed off her huge diamond engagement ring from fiance Josh Hall. Following marriages to Tarek El Moussa and Ant Anstead, this is her third flip.

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Ghislaine Maxwell is being held in a Brooklyn jail under 24-hour surveillance, and forced to wear paper clothing. When reporters asked how she was doing, her lawyer said she’s “pretty torn up.”

The NFL’s Washington Redskins have agreed to change their name to something less racist, so you can rule out Washington Presidents.

Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai Bachchan – known as the ‘World’s Most Beautiful Woman’ – tested positive for COVID-19. It’s assumed the 150 people in the song & dance number accompanying her test are also at risk.

A Super Mario Bros cartridge sold for a record $114,000 at auction. Its value dropped to about five bucks after the buyer blew in it.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli sold their Bel-Air mansion. It reportedly sold for considerably less than the $28 million asking price, because the buyer really wanted that rowing machine.

As more Americans cut grains from their diets, Chipotle plans to test cauliflower rice, just as soon as they can find cauliflower with enough E.coli in it.

NBA players are complaining about the food while they resume the season at Disney World, and are also complaining that they aren’t getting any phone numbers at the daily Princess Breakfast.

Bristol Palin shared a photo with Zach Towers, a Texas roofing contractor. She hasn’t confirmed that they’re officially a couple; Palin usually only does so after she’s had the baby.

A dog in Texas tested positive for coronavirus. Health department officials are frantically contact tracing other dogs’ butts.

Donald Trump reportedly considered selling the island of Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria since he thought it was already liquidated.

 

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The International Olympic Committee’s longest-serving member, Dick Pound, said he believes the IOC has three months to decide if the COVID-19 virus is controlled, or the Tokyo Olympics must be cancelled. He then fielded a half-hour of questions about his gay porn name.

Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program he’s “dead right” that the COVID-19 virus is “the common cold”, but is being weaponized to take down Donald Trump. Noting his advanced cancer, his critics said they, too, hope Limbaugh is “dead, right?”.

The jury has been released following the conviction of Harvey Weinstein on two sexual assault charges, and most are now receiving counseling for the PTSD they’re experiencing from having to look at photos of Weinstein nude.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down immediately, to be succeeded by Disney Parks CEO Bob Chapek. “How many f***ing times are they going to pass me over, Minnie?” squeaked a long-time employee.

The FDA is accusing sandwich chain Jimmy John’s of serving vegetables linked to E.coli and salmonella outbreaks. Company officials said they’ll do a better job convincing customers that vegetables have no place on sandwiches.

A 61-year-old woman who said she never drank showed high levels of alcohol in her urine and was diagnosed with “auto brewery syndrome”, where yeast in her bladder fermented. She’s debating between treatment, or continuing to sell Shirley’s Small-Batch IPA for $20/pint.

A Tokyo man shared the story of Nintendo replacing his 95-year-old mother’s broken Game Boy handheld which hasn’t been made since 2003. Nintendo found a brand new one in a warehouse, and the woman played it until her death at 99 when she was struck by a turtle shell.

The U.S. has begun testing a coronavirus vaccine at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and boy is that goat tired of needles.

Michelle Janavs – heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune – was sentenced to 5 months in prison for her role in the College Admissions Scandal. It’s the longest frozen food prison sentence since the racketeering takedown of the notorious Totino’s Crime Family.

Struggling retailer GameStop is trialing three new “concept stores” at locations in Oklahoma, designed to be less focused on game sales, and more focused on social interaction. All three are Starbucks.

 

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Steamboat Springs, Colorado shot off the world’s largest firework – weighing 2,800 pounds – at its winter carnival.  Roughly a thousand dogs and cats have not been seen since.

Bong Joon-ho won Best Director and his film ‘Parasite’ won Best Picture at the Oscars. It was a big night for ‘ho’s as Blac Chyna also was invited to the Oscars for some reason.

Oscars coverage started at 6:30p.m. Eastern time, and concluded around 11p.m. – about enough time to get halfway through ‘The Irishman’.

Bill Gates is reportedly considering the purchase of a 112-foot superyacht, powered by liquid hydrogen, at a price of $644 million. It has a helipad, gym, swimming pools, and a galley full of slaves to paddle it since nobody knows where to buy liquid hydrogen.

The XFL debuted over the weekend, with attendance of over 17,000 at each of the four games. Players are so confident, they’re already asking for next weekend off from their regular jobs.

Chinese health officials report 1,000 deaths from the Wuhan coronavirus, and say that 40,000 people sickened may be the “tip of the iceberg”. They said that because one of the cruise ships quarantined for coronavirus struck an iceberg.

The new craze in skin care is ‘dermaplaning’, where vellus, or ‘peach fuzz’ hair and a top layer of dead skin cells are removed. Experts warn the procedure should only be done by a licensed dermatologist with a surgical scalpel, or a buddy looking to try out his new belt sander.

A stripper in Texas fell off of a 15-foot pole on to the stage below, then began twerking –or, as the EMTs who arrived later called it, convulsing.

Chipotle is offering a ‘Guac Mode’ promotion, free guacamole to new & existing Chipotle Rewards members in February. This is different than their longstanding ‘Emergency Mode’ program, which is what they call Rewards program members contracting E.coli.

Warner Bros/DC Comics film ‘Birds of Prey’ – highlighting DC villainess Harley Quinn – opened with $33 million at the weekend box office, far short of the $45-55 million projected. Analysts blamed competition from the Oscars, the movie’s R rating, and not enough naked Birds.

 

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A raccoon got stuck in a snack vending machine at Pine Ridge High School in Volusia County, Florida. Workers were able to free the raccoon, who then returned to its class teaching home economics to Florida teens.

A woman in Quebec survived a 5,000 foot freefall when her parachute failed to open. She suffered multiple non-life-threatening injuries, and vowed to keep trying to catch the Road Runner.

New Jersey’s Right-to-Die Law, providing life-ending medication for the terminally ill, was placed on hold. Everyone else dying to get out of New Jersey can go right ahead.

The mayor of El Paso, Texas claimed President Trump called him “RINO” – Republican in Name Only – when he corrected Trump during a visit to the city following a mass shooting. Unfortunately, PINO – President in Name Only – isn’t very catchy.

Asteroid 1990 MU – over 3 miles wide – could strike Earth in 2027. It’s as large as the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. Nevertheless, The Who will continue to tour in 2027.

Nora Kenney, daughter of Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney, was arrested for a late-night brawl outside a bar in Wildwood at the Jersey Shore. She was last seen jogging through the streets of South Philadelphia, trailed by children singing ‘Gonna Fly Now’.

Jeffrey Epstein and a young woman – possibly a lawyer – were reportedly left alone for hours in an attorney/client meeting room at a Manhattan prison. Epstein’s other attorneys are calling the meeting “one for the road”.

Google introduced reminders that can be left for family members and other contacts, such as “Tell George to take out the trash”; “Tell Mary to get groceries”; or “Tell George I don’t love him anymore”.

Scientists believe they’ve discovered a heretofore unknown sensory organ inside of the human skin. Dubbed the nociceptive glio-neural complex, it’s the nerve bundle that makes your skin crawl whenever you see Donald hold Melania’s hand.

Chipotle announced they’re giving an extra week’s pay to more than 2,600 employees at 135 restaurants as part of it’s “crew bonus” program. The bonuses are accompanied by a card reading “sorry about the E. coli”.

 

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Pillsbury is recalling bread flour for possible e.coli contamination. If you press the Doughboy’s stomach on an affected bag, he’ll giggle, then vomit and shit himself.

Gloria Vanderbilt died at age 95. Hundreds of mourners are expected at the funeral to see which outfit she would be caught dead in.

  • Vanderbilt’s calling hours will feature her being pushed down a funeral home runway every five minutes showing off pieces from her Fall Collection.

Boeing officially apologized to families of victims who died in 737 MAX aircraft crashes. In turn, families turned on the ‘You’re Getting Sued’ sign.

Two people were shot at the Toronto Raptors victory parade. NBA officials took several minutes reviewing video to decide if the shots were two-or-three pointers.

Author Suzanne Collins announced the 2020 release of a prequel novel to The Hunger Games series, entitled Let’s Eat, Katniss!

A new NYU study claims life expectancy in large cities like Chicago could vary by as much as 30 years depending on your zip code. In a related story, Chicago’s criminal gangs  successfully applied to get their own zip codes.

Harvard and Japanese scientists are claiming a breakthrough in anti-cancer drug development, synthesizing compounds from sea sponges. Cancer sucks, but the sponges suck cancers.

A Maryland woman whose husband died at a Dominican Republic resort says officials there recommended his cremation. Officials denied trying to hide the cause of death, they just said cremation was covered in the price of the all-inclusive resort.

Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit twerking onstage at Bonnaroo music festival. Tailors around the world agreed it was far too much to ask of a single stitch.

Wildwood, New Jersey plays host to the National Marbles Championship. The winners receive scholarships and the honor of being the only people vacationing in Wildwood, NJ not to lose their marbles.

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The eastern span of New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge was imploded, falling in to the Hudson River. Dive crews began the lengthy process of retrieving all of the bodies poured in to the bridge’s now-shattered concrete pillars 60 years ago.

Taco Bell will test a vegetarian menu at select stores; the locations will be chosen just as soon as they can figure out where all of the broke vegetarians live.

A Federal judge struck down the Trump Administration’s plan to add a U.S. citizenship question to the 2020 census, despite the Administration’s offer to reward specially-selected non-citizens with a free trip to Mexico.

Chipotle debuts its Lifestyle Bowls for Keto, Paleo & Whole30 diets today – they’ll be sold along with their most successful weight-loss item, E.coli.

Netflix announced price increases for all of its subscription plans, with the price of its most popular plan increasing to $13. When angry customers call Netflix and threaten to go back to cable, the operators put them on hold so they can laugh.

Lifeway Research surveyed 2000 adults age 23-30 who attended Protestant churches in high school,  and found that two-thirds of them had stopped going. The main reasons were “life changes”, “pastor or church related reasons”, and “terrible wifi”.

President Trump was lambasted for misspelling hamburgers ‘hamberders’ in a post to Twitter. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders sprung to his defense, saying Trump obviously meant to write ‘frankferders’.

A Goodyear survey of young adults found that only 51% of millennials can correctly identify the low-tire-pressure light on a car dashboard, while 88% can correctly identify emojis. Car makers plan to create a low-tire-pressure emoji and text it to young adults while they’re driving.

Gymboree plans to declare bankruptcy and close all of its 900 children’s clothing stores. Beleaguered store managers are preparing for one last wave of toddler girls at the Going Out of Business sale slugging it out for that cute outfit they’ve been eyeing.

Walmart acquired plus-size clothing brand Eloquii for $100 million; Eloquii makes clothing exclusively in women’s sizes 14 and above. To align with Walmart shoppers preferences, they’ll rebrand Eloquii items as ‘Medium’.

 

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TBS host Samantha Bee is facing criticism for calling Ivanka Trump a “feckless c*nt” – while liberals scramble to look up the meaning of “feckless”.

A deadly E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has passed, and prices for romaine have dropped by more than half while growers are losing millions of dollars. The only lettuce with year-over-year sales growth is butter lettuce, which faces its own backlash from obese dieters over its misleading name.

Brett Bland, a fired car salesman in Texas is suing his former dealership, saying his boss repeatedly pinched his nipples and forced him to breathe ‘soiled air’ after farting in his office with the door closed. Bland is seeking unspecified damages against his former employer, Junior High Locker Room Acura.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly returning $9 million worth of wedding gifts. Per royal protocol, they are not allowed to keep any of them, especially not the PlayStation that Harry had squirreled away in the Princecave.

Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, denied reports that his famous daughter is financially reporting him, although he admitted that the one time he reached out for money, she only had $5 in Deal Or No Deal briefcase.

Discount retailers Dollar General and Dollar Tree both posted disappointing earnings reports to Wall Street. Executives for each of the chains blamed the results on poor people.

Kim Kardashian West met with President Trump at the White House to discuss prison reform, including clemency for Alice Johnson, a non-violent drug offender serving a life sentence. Kardashian did not comment on rumors that the President said “I’ll free your Johnson if you’ll free mine.”

Trump said that the two had a great meeting, most of which he spent staring at the back of Kim’s skirt, or, as he calls it, the Oval Office.

Benje Choucroun, a 13-year-old writer from Time for Kids, asked press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders what the Trump administration was doing to help keep schools safe. Sanders answered the question, as Choucroun arrived back home to see a Tweet calling him a “diaper baby for the failing fake news Time for Kids.”

Andrew Tornetta, a man arrested for allegedly punching a Philadelphia police horse after a playoff game, is suing the police and the Philadelphia Eagles. Tornetta’s lawsuit claims cruel and unusual punishment, citing the 12 hours of community service he completed picking up trash while being force to wear an Eli Manning jersey.

Charlotte Fox, a 61-year-old lifelong mountain climber who survived a blizzard while climbing Mount Everest in the late 90s, died after an apparent fall down her stairs at home. First responders say she was not wearing her safety harness at the time.

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A pregnant inmate escaped police custody at a hospital in Rochester, New York, but was recaptured hours later. Police don’t know when her baby is due, but they requested a sonogram to determine whether the newborn will get a pink or blue ankle bracelet.

University hospital researchers in Dallas say that exercising just two or three days per week could be beneficial to heart health, with the exception of people too poor to own a car who walk to Popeye’s.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation claims that the children’s movie ‘Show Dogs’ features scenes that normalize genital touching to its young audience, since a talking dog is taught to allow dog show judges to touch his genitals. Parents are being told to talk to their kids about predatory sexual behavior, and to not enter their children in dog shows.

Atlantic City, New Jersey reports that its casino earnings are “profitable, but shrinking.” Longtime Atlantic City prostitutes are using the same “profitable, but shrinking” phrase to describe the genitals of their aging clientele.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ crowned figure skater Adam Rippon its newest champion, stunning observers who doubted a gay male could succeed at both figure skating and ballroom dancing.

Jessica McCusker, tax clerk in a Philadelphia suburb, was charged with felony embezzlement for taking over $200,000 in property tax payments that residents made in cash. Officials say that cash payments for property taxes are no longer allowed, and must be made either by check, hoagies, or opioids.

Videos posted to Twitter show a Minnesota restaurant patron throwing a glass of water on Fox News Commentator Tomi Lahren, and Lahren melting.

Carson Meyer, a college hockey player for the University of Miami, suffered from loss of appetite, weight loss and fatigue, then went to the bathroom and found that he’d passed a two-foot-long tapeworm. Meyer has modified his diet to cut out raw fish, and the tapeworm was ejected for fighting to stay in his intestine.

According to the Federal Reserve’s ‘Report on the Economic Well-Being of Households in 2017’, 40 percent of adults don’t have the money to cover a $400 emergency expense. Mainly because they’re millennials whose parents don’t know how to Venmo them the 400 bucks.

The Centers for Disease Control gave the all-clear to eat romaine lettuce again, following a widespread E.coli outbreak. “Finally!” said hungry hamsters and guinea pigs.