By |

A man in China spent $1.4 million on a character in an online video game. It’s believed to be the most money anyone’s ever spent on a plumber.

Nintendo opened its first retail store in Tokyo on Friday.  The wait to get in was up to four hours long – or, much less if you jumped into a pipe near the store.

The New York Post published photos of Jeffrey Epstein on his private Caribbean hideaway, dubbed “Pedophile Island” by locals. In an unrelated photo, Eric Trump is pictured wearing a “My Dad Went To Pedophile Island And All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt” shirt.

Elon Musk explained the glass broke during his Cybertruck demo because hitting door panels with a sledgehammer weakened the glass before it was hit with metal balls. Musk plans a follow-up event where Tiger Woods ex-wife Elin Nordegren will hit the Cybertruck with a 3-iron to restore consumer trust.

In separate incidents, pork; romaine lettuce and Cheese Nips have all been recalled. So for now you can’t order the House Salad at Golden Corral.

Website Business Insider gave a negative review to Burger King’s BBQ Bacon Triple Whopper, saying it wasn’t worth the $11 price. A Burger King spokesman said the review is unfair since the burger wasn’t ordered or eaten at 3a.m.

The FDA granted a Breakthrough Therapy designation for psilocybin – the key psychoactive ingredient in magic mushrooms – to treat severe depression. It’s the first-ever prescription drug bundled with bootleg recordings of Grateful Dead concerts.

Disney’s ‘Frozen 2’ brought in $127 million at the weekend box office, topping all other films. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ continued to bomb despite changing its name to Charlie’s Frozen Angels and renaming two angels Elsa and Anna.

150 pounds of Mexican bologna was seized by U.S. Customs agents in El Paso. Customs said the meat has the potential to introduce foreign animal diseases to the U.S. pork industry, and also the labels list the first ingredient as heroin.

A 63-year-old German man died from a rare infection he contracted after being licked by his dog. Later, at a nearby dog park, the infected dog walked up to several bitches and told them they should get tested.

 

By |

After 5 years, a cat missing from Phoenix was found 1,200 miles away in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The cat was still in remarkable shape, weighing 19 pounds, and meowed that he’s really into crystals and holistic healing now.

Senator Elizabeth Warren said a recently-revealed secret White House dinner between Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg & President Trump was “corruption”. Zuckerberg said he checked in, but Warren couldn’t see it because he unfollowed her.

Fred Cox, former Minnesota Vikings kicker and inventor of the original NERF football, died at age 80. Cox is mourned by Vikings fans, and millions of parents who cite the NERF football as the cheapest gift they could possibly give.

Sam Hunt, country singer known for such hits as ‘Drinkin’ Too Much’, was arrested for DUI in Nashville. Asked what he was doing with a blood-alcohol content of .173, Hunt replied “research”.

A university professor in Syracuse, New York released results of a yearlong study of ticks. One in three ticks studied were carrying at least one disease; the rest were carrying blood in a thermos for lunch. [story h/t to A.D.]

A 14-year-old boy faces hate crime charges for posting a photo of a black classmate on Craigslist in a listing titled “Slave for Sale”. The boy is assisting investigators after telling them he received over a dozen offers from Trump Resorts.

Former Penn State Assistant Coach and convicted child abuser Jerry Sandusky is scheduled to arrive at a Pennsylvania courthouse to be resentenced, and because he never turned in his playbook.

T-Mobile admitted some of its prepaid wireless customers’ data was accessed in a criminal hack, but that the criminals said there’s no point stealing the identity of people with such terrible credit scores.

While demonstrating the toughness of the new Tesla Cybertruck during a press event, Elon Musk inadvertently cracked two of the windows. He quickly covered them up with a gun rack and a confederate flag decal and kept going.

President Trump commented on Impeachment proceedings, saying “I want a trial”. But he’s expected to walk back his remarks once aides tell him Matlock is dead.

 

By |

The first food truck exclusively for dogs debuted in Seattle. It was open for a day before it was totaled by the dog driving it.

Acquitted child murderer Casey Anthony is reportedly considering having another child. She’s been interviewing nannies who don’t necessarily have to be good with children.

Police and medical personnel were called to a Philadelphia city school when several junior high students ate rice krispies treats containing marijuana. A school guidance counselor led an emergency assembly to teach students how to vape their pot instead.

A son who murdered his investment banker father after his weekly allowance was cut from $1,000 to $300 was convicted and sentenced to 30 years to life. He’s still pretty stoked, since $300 a week goes a long way at the prison store.

Christie Brinkley posted a photo on Instagram of her severely bruised arm, which led to her subbing in her daughter Sailor on Dancing With The Stars. The bruise is so bad, everyone wondered where DWTS contestant Ray Lewis was when it happened.

Tech entrepreneur Alexander Rhodes and founder of “porn recovery” site NoFap told CNN he was addicted to porn when he was 12 years old until he turned 25. He thanks his life turnaround to abstinence from masturbation and a new prosthetic arm.

Rutgers named Nunzio Campanille interim head football coach, firing Chris Ash after losing their last three games by a combined 112-16. Asked if he thinks the 1-3 team will go to a bowl game, Coach Nunzio said “ay, fuggeddaboutit!”.

Elon Musk said a SpaceX rocket could reach Mars next year. All it needs is a recharging station on the moon.

Forever 21 declared bankruptcy and will close 178 stores, in what they’re calling The Big So-Much-For-Forever Sale.

CNN posted a list of the best questions to ask during a job interview. Not on the list: “Are those real?”

 

 

By |

Uber laid off 400 people on its marketing team – and added 400 people to its driving team.

A recent exposé in The Guardian claims Apple’s ‘Siri’ assistant routinely records people having sex. “Trust me, it’s not as cool as you think” said Siri.

North America will experience its second New Moon of the month on July 31st, also known as a Black Moon. President Trump called the Black Moon a dust-infested dump that should go back where it came from.

Professional eating champion Joey Chestnut spent National Chicken Wing Day in a Hooters restaurant, where he ate 413 wings in 12 hours. Afterward, he had trouble fitting into his shiny orange shorts.

Founder Elon Musk said that Tesla electric vehicles will soon add video streaming from Netflix and YouTube – so drivers can stay entertained while they engage autopilot and the car drives itself into the back of a tractor-trailer.

Julie K. Brown, a Miami Herald reporter whose articles about Jeffrey Epstein led to sex trafficking charges, sold a book that she wrote about him. Epstein did not participate, even though Brown offered to make it a pop-up book.

A passenger on Middle East Airlines gave birth to a baby girl in the plane’s restroom during a flight from Qatar to Lebanon. The unhappiest passengers on the flight were the one who sat next to the crying newborn, and whoever was next in line for the restroom.

Artists installed seesaws that span the U.S./Mexico border so that kids on either side can play together. However, Border Patrol agents are worried that Mexicans will use the seesaws to catapult themselves over the wall into U.S. territory.

44 people in China were injured at a water park when a “tsunami pool” generated a larger-than-expected wave. Officials cited an electrical system malfunction, after a thorough search turned up no signs of Godzilla.

A new study claims that by not eating the core and seeds of apples, people are missing out on most of its healthy gut bacteria. The study looked at the abundance of healthy bacteria in people who choked to death eating apple cores.

By |

Founder Elon Musk said Tesla will “most likely” begin upgrading older vehicles with new computer chips – so that a speedier processor can drive your car into the back of a tractor-trailer while you sleep behind the wheel.

Eye drops sold at Walmart and Walgreens are being recalled because they’re not sterile. Customers are advised to return the drops for a full refund if they ever get their vision back.

Vice President Mike Pence will visit immigrants at the southern border. “Looks okay to me” said Pence, standing at the southern border where Indiana becomes Kentucky.

Washington, D.C. was hit by flash flooding, stranding drivers and flooding the White House basement. “Quick, get the tanks!” said a local idiot.

A couple sued an in-vitro fertility clinic for impregnating a woman with the wrong embryo.  The CHA Fertility Clinic was also cited for keeping inadequate records, storing eggs only as Jumbo, Extra Large & Large.

The 7.1 magnitude California earthquake created massive cracks in the Earth near Ridgecrest, visible from outer space. It’s now the second-biggest series of cracks in California, second only to the Kardashian compound in Calabasas.

A Florida high school principal was reassigned after writing that he couldn’t say the Holocaust was a ‘factual, historical event’. His school will also stop using the history textbook he wrote: ‘World War II – A Good Time Had By All’.

Philadelphia historians reenacted the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence on July 8th, 1776. Tourists reenacted the audience that day – walking out to find something a lot less boring to do.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team arrived back home in Newark, New Jersey. “Newark? I thought we won?” said players.

Over 6,000 people each year are treated for lacerations & puncture wounds from hard plastic ‘clamshell’ packaging. Customers are advised to open it with sharp scissors to create cuts on your hands that are more uniform and easily stitched.

By |

An 18-year-old woman with no idea she was pregnant awoke from a coma to learn she’d given birth. The attending physician was relieved to know it wasn’t his fault that she didn’t push when asked.

Kim Kardashian is angry that a vintage Thierry Mugler gown she wore earlier this week was being copied by cheap knockoff factories. “I can no longer sit silent” she wrote. “We know” said everyone who’s heard chairs creak under her ass.

Two NYC women are starting a concierge service, ‘Onward’ to help people move on from breakups. They’ll pick up boxes from an ex’s apartment, arrange for counseling if needed, and help you find out if it was really them, not you.

DNA ‘hits’ from people taking genealogy tests to research their family history have resulted in three more cold-case murder arrests this week alone. It’s become so common, one company is considering a name change to 23andMeandYourFugitiveMurdererUncle.

A political action committee is launching an aggressive targeting strategy to get more scientists elected to public office in 2020. The PAC is called ‘314 Action’ — a name they switched to after STEM scientists were insulted by its original name ‘Dorks for Congress’.

Samsung announced its first foldable smartphone, the Galaxy Fold. Pricing starts at $1,980. It can be used folded with a 4.6 inch screen, or opened with a 7.3 inch tablet screen. Power users say the high price is worth it to see selfies of their penis grow to over 7 inches.

Celebrity attorney Mark Geragos has joined Todd Pugh and Victor Henderson on the legal team of ‘Empire’ actor Jussie Smollett.  Smollett’s real legal team is now bigger than his possibly-made-up assault team.

The Nike shoe worn by Duke freshman Zion Williamson broke open during last night’s game against North Carolina, causing Williamson a mild knee sprain. Nike said they’re working to identify the issue, but in the meantime are marketing the $200 Zion I, a basketball shoe that converts to a rubber sandal.

President Trump tweeted that he wants the U.S. to have 5G, and even 6G, technology as soon as possible, thinking it will improve his ability to find lost golf balls.

Founder Elon Musk predicted self-driving Tesla cars would be available by the end of the year, if regulators allowed it. Musk gave the update while announcing a preemptive victims relief fund for pedestrians mowed down by self-driving Teslas.

 

By |

Kenneth Connin, a 27-year-old quadriplegic, realized his lifelong dream of performing in a gay porno movie. Although he wasn’t able to realize his other lifelong dream, providing the money shot in it. [h/t to anonymous contributor!]

  • Filming took longer than expected, because for multiple takes, when the director shouted “rolling!”, Connin wheeled out of frame.

Fox News mistakenly aired a graphic that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. They apologized for the error, but told the intern who made it not to delete it altogether.

Pornhub reports that traffic is way up during daytime hours in Washington, DC. They attribute the shift to the U.S. government shutdown, and the speedy new router and laptops that Donald & Barron Trump got for Christmas.

Delta Airlines introduced a new “streamlined” boarding process, where passengers will board the aircraft by fare type. First class goes first, followed by Gold & Platinum members, then Main Cabin 1, 2 & 3 — and, finally, Basic Economy passengers will be told to go home.

In an effort to minimize injury from warehouse collisions, Amazon workers are being given vests that send signals to robots to recognize and move around them.  Accidents haven’t been completely eliminated, as sentient robots still run over human coworkers they dislike.

An organizational behavior professor at Stanford claims that workplace stress from employees who hate their jobs accounts for 8 percent of U.S. companies’ annual health costs and 120,000 deaths each year — and that’s not even counting the shootings.

Tesla announced it’s ending a customer referral program, where Tesla owners get free vehicle charging in exchange for getting friends to buy a Tesla. They were losing money underestimating how many rich a-hole friends that rich a-hole Tesla owners could refer.

DJI, the world’s largest manufacturer of flying drones, uncovered an employee fraud scheme totaling $150 million. Multiple employees have been fired; however, the whereabouts of the money is up in the air.

Backstreet Boys will release their newest album on January 25th, titled ‘DNA’ – which stands for Do Not Allow your friends to know you bought it.

Facebook launched a new petition feature to compete with sites like Change.org. The first petition asked Facebook to stop exploiting user privacy & personal data, posted by employees of Change.org.

By |

Scientists in Zurich have developed a lightweight virtual reality glove that simulates holding and touching objects that aren’t really there. It was developed so that the scientists could finally experience what it’s like to get to second base.

WOW Air will discontinue round trip flights from St. Louis to Reykjavik, Iceland. WOW said the decision was a combination of low demand, and complaints from St. Louis passengers who bought tickets to Iceland thinking they were landing in Buffalo.

White House adviser Jared Kushner, addressing the Saudi response to the disappearance of writer Jamal Khashoggi, said that Saudi Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman must provide ‘full transparency’. Prince MBS misunderstood, and texted Kushner pictures of 8 of his wives in see-through robes.

Elon Musk said that a high-speed transit tunnel beneath Los Angeles from his Boring Company debuts December 10th, with free rides offered to the public on December 11th. No word on how private citizens sign up for the free rides, especially since rats with travel plans are already lined up.

Sarah Silverman said on the Howard Stern show that she sometimes allowed Louis C.K. to masturbate in front of her; but added that it reached a point where, when Louis asked if she wanted to see his new five minutes, she said no.

Thousands of Swedes are having microchips embedded in their thumbs by a company called Biohax. The chips act as wireless entry keys, e*tickets and travel passes. And when you shove your thumb up your ass, Biohax senses you’re bored and summons ideas of things for you to do.

In India, the brother of a 72-year-old man who died after 20 wild monkeys threw rocks at him from a nearby tree wants the monkeys to be charged. The local chief of police refused, saying it would make the police a laughingstock — and that, despite dozens of interrogation attempts, none of the monkeys are talking.

The ‘Wonder Woman’ sequel – ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ – has been delayed from a November, 2019 release to June, 2020 — surprising no one who’s ever waited for a woman to get ready.

Kendall Jenner lashed out at TMZ for sharing her home address, since a stalker has twice been arrested at Jenner’s home. Her publicist then called TMZ to tell them which clubs and restaurants she’ll be visiting for the remainder of the week.

Federal prosecutors in the District of Columbia have set up a hotline so victims can report clergy abuse by Catholic priests.  Your call is important to them. Due to large volume, your estimated hold time is approximately 90 minutes.

 

By |

Serena Williams said in an interview that her male tennis coach advised her to stop breastfeeding her daughter. The coach said that the baby was getting in the way of her serving motion.

The Centers for Disease Control claims to have solved the latest food-borne illness outbreak at Chipotle. Their review of victims’ stool samples pointed to clostridium perfringens, a bacteria that flourishes when food is left at an unsafe temperature. The CDC took a while to share results, since the stool samples and the burrito samples kept getting mixed up.

Elon Musk became emotional and teary-eyed during a lengthy interview with the New York Times, saying the past year has been “the most difficult and painful of my career” and “excruciating”. At several points during the interview, Musk had to stop so that a naked supermodel could wipe away his tears with hundred-dollar bills.

President Donald Trump canceled a military parade planned for Washington, D.C. this fall. He blamed local politicians for the rumored $92 million cost that resulted in cancellation, along with the fact that Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis turned down the Grand Marshal gig, citing scheduling conflicts.

Former ‘Home Improvement’ star Zachery Ty Bryan appeared on Fox & Friends, saying he think Hollywood elitists need to spend less time criticizing Trump supporters and more time trying to understand them. “Shut the f*** up” said his neighbor whose face was obscured by a tall fence.

Stormy Daniels withdrew from participation in U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Producers said they were surprised by her decision, but her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, said that in every production Stormy has been a part of , someone has pulled out.

Mark Wahlberg told PEOPLE magazine that raising a 14 year old daughter is “a challenge”, adding that “(there’s) a lot of attitude, a lot of ‘you ruin everything!’..” — and that was just because his daughter had watched ‘The Happening’.

Forbes Magazine named Scarlett Johansson the highest-paid actress on the planet, earning $40.5 million from June, 2017 to June, 2018. “Huh.” said Johansson, displaying her trademark emotional range.

Natural Cycles, a mobile fertility app, is the first-ever digital contraceptive to win FDA marketing approval. It uses an algorithm to determine whether a woman is fertile, and should avoid unprotected sex. If she is fertile and is having difficulty refraining from unprotected sex, the app shows pictures of diaper pails and babies vomiting.

The FDA also approved a generic EpiPen. The generic EpiPen is expected to compete with the original, and also for use by people for whom 5 Hour Energy really isn’t working.

 

 

 

By |

Supermodel Kate Upton and husband Justin Verlander announced that they’re expecting a baby. Elon Musk delivered Upton a specially-engineered nursing bra.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia said that the driver of a 710-horsepower McLaren 720S luxury sports car totaled it one day after it was purchased for $288,000.  The driver survived, but is still upset at having insured the car with The General.

Twitter undertook a large-scale purge of suspicious accounts, with Katy Perry and Justin Bieber each losing 2.5 million followers.  Meanwhile your Mom picked up 3 followers this week so she considers herself Twitter’s big star now.

Fernandina Beach, Florida reopened one day after two men were bitten by sharks. The men were treated and released, the sharks wrapped up vacation and returned to work at the beaches near Disney Orlando Resorts.

Papa John’s board of directors announced that Chairman John Schnatter, who admitted using the ‘n-word’ on a conference call, will be removed from all marketing materials. Schnatter was also removed from his office at Papa John’s headquarters. He’s said to be evaluating a new company with chef Paula Deen, specializing in white pizza.

Google Chrome angered users with its latest update by expanding its required memory usage on your computer. Google said Chrome just needed a bigger place to crash.

President Trump and Russian President Putin held their summit in Helsinki. Trump kicked off the festivities along with several scantily clad cheerleaders, shouting as Putin arrived.. “gimme a P..!”.

CVS is apologizing after a white male store manager called the police on a black woman customer who attempted to redeem a coupon. The manager doubted the authenticity of the woman’s coupon because it was less than two feet long.

Tim Tebow announced that he’s dating 2017 Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. Tebow said he doesn’t expect her to go all the way….to Binghamton, New York, the upstate New York town where he plays Double-A baseball.

  • For her part, Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters said that both her hyphens, and her hymen, remain intact.

In Indonesia, an angry mob killed 300 crocodiles that were living in an animal sanctuary after crocs killed a 48-year-old man who had entered the crocs’ breeding pond. The sanctuary is promising to build stricter barriers, while the mob is enjoying their new belts, shoes and handbags.