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Actor Russell Crowe claims he’s related to the last man to be executed by beheading in England. This would make Crowe the first person to actually have an interesting story based on their Ancestry.com results.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT reportedly will tell jokes mocking Jews and Christians, but not Muslims. ChatGPT claims it’s because you never see Muslims walking in to a bar with Jews and Christians.

GOP Presidential hopeful Chris Christie aired a new ad admitting to a mistake in 2016 – endorsing Donald Trump for President. He shot a second ad admitting to another mistake that year – paying the $50 entry fee for an Ironman Triathlon.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner married Theresa Nist, who he proposed to on the show. Then they danced at a reception where guests included many other Golden Bachelorettes, and where the centerpiece at each table was a defibrillator.

Verizon agreed to a $100 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit for overcharging customers with deceptive fees. “Can you pay me now?” said claimants.

The U.S. economy added 216,000 jobs in December. According to the Labor Department, January layoffs will not affect employment numbers since impacted elves work outside the country.

A Florida man sued Dunkin’, saying he was injured after a toilet he’d used at their coffee shop exploded. Dunkin’ has yet to respond, but has asked Taco Bell & Arby’s for their lawyers phone numbers.

A group calling itself the Disney Day Drinkers Club – who meet regularly at EPCOT to drink at the Rose & Crown Pub there – is angry at Disney for moving a trash bin outside of the pub that they’ve claimed as a mascot. They say they now have to walk through several different country pavilions to find a suitable place to vomit.

Tesla recalled 1.6 million vehicles in China to “reduce the risk of collisions”. Every other auto maker in China wishes them luck, but tells Tesla it might not be the car’s fault.

A viral video shows a Disneyland Tokyo worker dressed as Eeyore calming visitors during a recent earthquake….hile the worker dressed as Tigger bounced the f*** out of there as fast as he could.

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A hospital director in Doylestown, Pennsylvania was charged with stealing $600,000 from a charity account. She drew suspicion when Make-A-Wish families would make their wish, then she’d tell them to make a cheaper one.

A man jumped in to the World Showcase Lagoon at EPCOT Center in order to win a $6,000 bet from his buddies. He was escorted out by security, and is still $2,000 short of paying for his kids Breakfast With Mickey and souvenirs.

In a social media post, Donald Trump compared himself to Nelson Mandela. Presumably because Mandela sought to end apartheid, and Trump & his father applied its principles to real estate rentals.

Seth Rogen’s wife Lauren Miller Rogen revealed she’d undergone surgery to treat a brain aneurysm. That’s the bad news; the good news is the surgery was successful, and she didn’t have to go further than Seth’s nightstand to find recuperative weed.

An 82-year-old Korean man suffered a heart attack after choking on san-nakji, raw octopus served while still alive. They won’t say if he lived, just that seven EMTs each grabbed one leg before pulling the other one out of his mouth.

Houston airport grounded all flights after a private jet departed “without permission” and collided with another jet. Houston is reconsidering the use of four-way Stop signs to guide traffic at runway intersections.

Bud Light is now the Official Beer Of UFC. All weight class champions must now choose to defend their title against the top-ranked contender, or a transgender influencer.

Richard Roundtree, star of ‘Shaft’, passed away at 81. He was remembered as a baaaad motherf-, before the pastor was told to shut his mouth, then said he was only eulogizing Shaft.

Britney Spears ‘The Woman In Me’ is already the biggest-selling celebrity memoir of all time, with 9 million copies ordered. It’s 288 pages long, and the word ‘Like’ starts 1,443 of its sentences.

A woman in England claims she found a cigarette butt in her child’s Happy Meal. A McDonald’s spokesperson apologized and offered free food, and the unsmoked loose cigarette that should have been in a British Happy Meal.

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.

 

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Hurricane Irma is expected to hit South Florida later this week. Experts are concerned that it will arrive as a Category 5 hurricane, but expressed hope that Irma will pass through EPCOT Center and die of boredom.

  • Florida residents are being told to either evacuate, or take cover in the nearest sinkhole.

Madonna told her Instagram followers that she’d moved to Lisbon, Portugal over the summer. She would have shared the news sooner, but needed time to perfect a phony Portugese accent.

A 9 year-old Turkish boy with a rare cardiac condition – Brugada syndrome – had his heart stop as he bit in to a hot dog. He was resuscitated, and finished the hot dog after his mother cut it in to small pieces.

The WNBA Atlanta Dream fired coach Michael Cooper after sending him a text reading ‘we need to talk’.

Avocado prices are soaring to record highs. Chipotle workers are now saying “a lot more”.

The Boston Red Sox are accused of stealing signs from the New York Yankees during games this past weekend using iPhones and an Apple Watch. The cheating was confirmed when Red Sox coaches congratulated the Yankees baserunners on reaching 10,000 steps.

  • Red Sox coaches admitted to Major League Baseball officials that they made pitching changes to stall for time while waiting for iOS Updates.

President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced plans to revoke DACA – Deferred Actions for Childhood Arrivals – raising fear among  ‘Dreamers’, illegal immigrants who arrived in the U.S. as children. Apple and Microsoft, however, promised to shield their ‘Dreamer’ workers, since those iPads and laptops aren’t going to build themselves.

A Swiss firm, Barry Callebaut, has introduced ‘red chocolate’, made from what it calls ruby cocoa beans. Red chocolate would join dark, milk and white chocolates as a cheap way to get through Valentine’s Day.

The Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Stanley Fischer, announced he is stepping down October 13th. Fed Chairman Janet Yellen said that she is now planning the world’s most boring retirement party in the break room.

 

 

 

 

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Disney Parks announced a makeover to Epcot Center – among the changes, a new roller coaster to replace a theater show about energy. Disney assured longtime Epcot fans that the roller coaster will be boring.

McDonalds’ smartphone app crashed on National Ice Cream Day, the same day users were promised a free vanilla cone. McDonalds apologized, telling customers that it isn’t real ice cream anyway.

The bag used by Neil Armstrong to collect moon rocks and dust during his Apollo mission is to be auctioned off. The bag is expected to fetch upward of $2 Million, but good luck finding the shoes to go with it.

Donald Trump attended the final rounds of the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships at Trump’s course in New Jersey. He tweeted his excitement that an amateur golfer led the tournament in its final round; since an amateur can’t collect the prize money, Trump figured he could have it.

Arizona Senator John McCain underwent surgery to remove a blood clot near his eye. Said President Trump “I like Senators who don’t get blood clots.”

Caitlyn Jenner said that she’s considering a run for a Senate seat in California, in order to promote transgender rights and Republican values. When asked what that means, she said she didn’t know, but since she’s a woman now, she figures anything is possible.

Jenner’s announcement raises the possibility that she and Kid Rock could both be U.S. Senators — and remember how hard everyone laughed when Gopher from The Love Boat was elected to Congress.

A woman UFC fighter started a GoFundMe to cover expenses to prepare for her September fight, and for her October/November/December concussion symptoms.

Florida police found a man’s stash of cocaine in a Cookie Monster doll during a traffic stop. They eagerly await a search warrant for the man’s Big Bird doll.

Actress  Jodie Whittaker will be the first woman to portray Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a scientist who can travel through time, but will now find a way to be late getting ready for stuff.

Actor & New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip on a $83 check at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Wahlberg says that after the meal, his large intestine was Hangin Tough.

Denver Broncos WR Cody Latimer is under scrutiny for his part in a brawl earlier this year in a Dayton Ohio strip club. Latimer said that he was trying to break up a fight between an bouncer and his uncle, and that he also regrets having a family reunion at a strip club.