By |

Disney Imagineering has created autonomous 90-pound robots that can do airborne stunts like high-dives and trapeze work, although the robots’ union rep said they’re only working four-hour shifts and refuse to do any more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Khloe Kardashian posted a photo with her new baby, True, along with a message saying that she’s nervous about returning to work. To which everyone in the world replied “what work?”

Scott Pruitt, head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, resigned amid months of allegations of legal and ethical violations. When Pruitt finished his resignation letter, President Trump said to just leave it on the pile.

The first hurricane of the year has been announced as Hurricane Beryl, as in ‘watch it barrel over the areas that just got done cleaning up from last year’s hurricanes’.

Singer Chris Brown was arrested after a concert in Florida; Brown had an outstanding arrest warrant for punching a photographer. He was released on a $2,000 cash bond, plus a $10,000 advance on bail for the other people he plans to punch.

U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar said that officials are racing against a federal judge’s extreme deadlines to reunite up to 3,000 detained migrant children with their parents. Azar said that the children had all been released from cages, but that it will take them some time to walk to get to their parents.

The latest fitness fad is exercising in a cold studio. Brrrn in New York City has studios with temperatures at 45, 55 and 60 degrees.  Or, across town, goons in the Meat Packing District will charge you $50/hour to lift sides of beef.

Mobile trivia game HQ Trivia introduced ‘Streaks’, where players who play multiple games in a row are rewarded with extra lives. They chose the name Streaks after they found their first choice, Dopes Without Friends and Lots Of Spare Time, was too wordy to fit on smartphone screens.

President Trump’s upcoming meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin is rumored to be one-on-one, with only Trump, Putin, and their translators present. Google Translate’s Russian/English site has seen a surge in users wanting to know how to say ‘hooker urine’ in Russian.

Luxury cruise line Crystal Cruises is touting its latest mega-cruise, a 105-day voyage on the Crystal Serenity. It departs Miami, and arrives in Italy, via exotic ports in Australia, Central America, Asia and Europe. The cost is over $40,000 per person, but that includes food, and you get to have a strain of norovirus named after you.

By |

Florida lifeguards treated over 800 beachgoers for jellyfish stings over three days. Because of the large volume, dozens of off-duty lifeguards had to be brought in to urinate on the victims’ wounds.

Experts suggest climate change may be responsible for the deaths of Africa’s ‘boabab’ trees, which can live up to 2,000 years. The boababs — called Trees of Life — will now be called Hospice Trees.

A 10-year-old girl from Scranton, Pennsylvania who made a viral video about being bullied was invited by the New York Yankees to Yankee Stadium for a home game. There, she was able to spend three hours hearing grown men yell at baseball players about how much they suck.

Comcast bid $65 billion to acquire most of the assets of 20th Century Fox:

  • Urging them to act soon before time runs out on this great deal.
  • Fox turned down the initial bid, so Comcast offered to throw in 6 months of Starz.
  • Comcast said $65 billion was the opening bid, but that the rate would go up in a couple of months.

Wednesday marks the first day of legal sports betting in New Jersey. The NJ state government is looking for qualified concrete workers and boat operators to deal with bettors who can’t pay up.

Nintendo of America presented its future games and business plans at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The biggest surprise was an announcement from Princess Peach that Bowser has been terminated from all future games for his repeated history of inappropriate conduct toward women.

Former Trump adviser and “fixer” Michael Cohen has parted ways with his legal team. A source said that the separation was the result of a fee dispute – specifically, the porn stars that Cohen offered for payment were too old.

Moviepass now has over three million subscribers, most of whom were still too busy to see ‘Solo’.

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages. Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

California is exploring splitting into three separate states: Northern California; Southern California; and New California. It’s still a long way from reality, as it would need to be ratified by voters and approved by Congress, the Bloods and the Crips.

By |

GOP House Speaker Paul Ryan said that he will retire from politics, saying he wants to be more than a ‘weekend father’ – and a ‘weekday White House nanny’.

A Nigerian man was arrested after being caught in possession of over $400,000 in counterfeit bills. Police were alerted to the scam by an email from the Prince of Nigeria.

Conservative commentator Jamie Allman’s St. Louis-area tv show was canceled after tweeting about preparing a hot poker to shove up the ass of Parkland high schooler and gun reform advocate David Hogg. Sinclair Broadcasting, owner of Allman’s old network, said that the poker comment was the byproduct of an unusually cold winter.

Spotify and Hulu are teaming up to offer a $13 monthly subscription bundle. It comes with unlimited time on hold for tech support.

Lizzy Martinez, a 17-year-old Florida high-school student was forced to cover her ‘distracting’ protruding nipples with band-aids because she wasn’t wearing a bra. Martinez is organizing a ‘bracott’ for Monday, but wasn’t available to talk about it because she’s like, literally, buried with promposals.

Following Martinez’ nipple incident, the Florida state legislature convened an emergency session to pass a bill requiring high-school girls to wear clear plastic blouses to prove they’re wearing a bra.

Stormy Daniels’ ‘Make America Horny Again’ Wednesday shows at Truth Detroit strip club were postponed. A spokesman for the club said there was a problem with the private jet bringing Daniels to Detroit. The problem is that it broke down, and also that it’s a Kia Sedona.

California Gov Jerry Brown announced they’ll send some National Guard members to patrol the California/Mexico border. The California guards are expected to arrive just as soon as they complete mandatory spray tanning and fittings for red swimsuits.

NASA announced research project Micro-11, where they’ll be shooting frozen human sperm in to space. The project was delayed while NASA scientists determined how to allow astronauts to spacewalk without pants on, and how to project porn on the outer wall of the International Space Station.

Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo faces a Senate confirmation hearing, with Democrats asking about his plans for dealing with North Korea and the humanitarian crisis in Syria – and Republicans asking if he’s related to Ellen Pompeo of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’.

 

 

 

By |

Russian President Vladimir Putin gave his annual state of the nation address, and shared an animated video of a new nuclear superweapon – supposedly unstoppable by current intercept systems – striking Florida. The Florida state legislature responded by allocating $100 million to train school teachers to shoot down nuclear missiles.

March 1st was National Peanut Butter Lovers Day, in case you were wondering why you didn’t hear from your single woman friends who own large dogs.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s girlfriend, Ricki Lander, gave birth to a baby last year, although Kraft is not the father. The team would not release the father’s name, but they know who he is after secretly videotaping him at Lander’s Lamaze practice.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development canceled their order for a $31,000 dining room set that had been ordered for Secretary Ben Carson’s office. Carson reportedly ordered a different set, which HUD will own free & clear after just 48 monthly payments to Rent A Center.

Reports surfaced of a shooting at Central Michigan University, which now happens so often in schools that it’s just the fourth-most-important story after the big Nor’Easter, the KFC gravy shortage, and Trump’s tweets about Alec Baldwin.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will extend invitations to 2,600 members of the public into the grounds of Windsor Castle for their wedding on May 19th – as 1,300 men prepare to face the question “Is THAT what you’re wearing?” with an intensity it’s never been asked before.

JCPenney announced that they’re cutting 360 jobs. Then their CEO presented a coupon that gave him another 20% off of headcount.

A report in medical journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery claims that close-up selfies increase the perceived size of your nose by up to 30%. Plastic surgeons advise moving the camera further from your face – advice that young women say is hard to do without the phone hitting the windshield of the car they’re driving.

A drunk New Jersey man blacked out during his Uber ride after a campus party at West Virginia University, and incurred a $1,600 fare because the driver traveled 300 miles to the man’s home in Gloucester, New Jersey. The passenger said it was “insane”, and the driver wasn’t thrilled at having to be in either West Virginia or New Jersey.

President Trump is planning to apply 25% tariffs on imported steel and 10% on aluminum — experts project it will become 15-20% more expensive when a Mississippi housewife finds her husband cheating, gets drunk on beer in aluminum cans and bashes in the steel on his pickup truck with an aluminum baseball bat.

By |

TV ratings for NFL football dropped 10% this year, after an 8% drop last year. Commissioner Roger Goodell hopes to reverse the trend by allowing fans to binge-watch full seasons at once.

Tiangong-1, a 9.4-ton space station launched years ago by China, will make a planned crash into Earth as winter ends. It will be visible in the night sky going slower than usual with its turn signal left flashing for the duration of reentry.

Mark Zuckerberg said that his personal challenge for 2018 is fixing Facebook, while a majority of Americans state their personal challenge for 2018 is fleeing Facebook.

A Connecticut man faces animal cruelty charges for ripping the heads off of 20 chickens in a “jealous rage” after seeing pictures of his wife partying with other people on Christmas.  Horrified witnesses described the scene as ‘a lot of running around.’

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is taking a medical leave of absence after brain surgery to correct these blood clots on the brain. “What are subdural hematoma?” said his doctor whose cash winnings total over $15,000 dollars.

Amazon is bringing Alexa to wearable fitness trackers, just as soon as the company can program a few dozen ways for her to tell you that you’re ‘big boned’.

Apple confirmed that all of its Mac and iOS devices are susceptible to hacks from the newly-discovered Meltdown and Spectre bugs, but that updated batteries are available for just $29 if you want your devices ruined faster.

According to an expose in Indian newspaper The Tribune, India’s national ID database – containing personal information for a billion residents – is available to anyone willing to pay $10 to a mysterious man known as Anil Kumar. As to the extent of the damage from identity theft, the report says it’s too soon to Patel.

GoPro laid off between 200-300 employees in its drone division, as seen in an overhead video of sad people carrying cardboard boxes to their cars.

Cold temperatures in Florida are causing iguanas to drop out of trees. Since the iguanas could be carriers of dangerous salmonella bacteria, residents are advised to leave them alone and let them fall into sinkholes once it warms up.

 

By |

Youngstown, Ohio city employees doing routine checks of manhole covers discovered human body parts. The police lieutenant is withholding comment until he’s able to interview the local CHUDs after their lunch break.

Matt Lauer, ousted from NBC News after sexual harassment allegations, issued an apology, writing “to the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry…and to the ones I didn’t hurt, I am now free on weekday mornings..”

Cabin — a new luxury bus line operating overnight service between Los Angeles and San Francisco — is offering $115 one-way trips featuring lie-flat beds so passengers can sleep on the 7-hour ride. Cabin’s execs say this addresses the number-one complaint of frequent bus passengers, that their ride isn’t creepy enough.

Vice Media fired three employees amid sexual harassment investigations, and announced a name change to Respect & Inclusion Media.

Walmart stopped selling a t-shirt with the caption “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required” after complaints from customers and sales associates who don’t know what ‘journalist’ means.

A magnitude 4.1 earthquake was recorded near Dover, Delaware. Officials expressed relief that it didn’t happen during one of Dover’s NASCAR races, since the violent shaking would have made thousands of cans of cheap beer highly risky to open.

  • The National Geological Survey said the only remaining east coast state without an earthquake is Florida, since the Earth hasn’t figured out how to make two giant sinkholes rub together.

Tesla has launched the world’s biggest battery in the Australian Outback, and is staffing up security to ward off loitering kangaroos and koalas charging their cell phones.

A British lawmaker, critical of President Trump’s retweets of anti-Muslim videos, quoted fictional Harry Potter wizard Albus Dumbledore in a televised debate. Trump angrily replied that players kneeling during ‘Rule Britannia‘ need to be kicked out of the National Quidditch League.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway will spearhead the Trump Administration’s battle against the opioid crisis, despite having no public health experience at all. Sessions’ budget will fund $12 million toward the effort, money Conway will use for an amnesty program, where addicts seeking to surrender their opioids can trade them for a gun.

GOP Senators continue to work on a Tax Reform bill, with the latest hiccup being attempts by ‘Budget Hawks’ to include measures aimed at slowing the soaring growth of the Federal Deficit. The President struggles to understand why the Senators don’t just pass the bill first and go bankrupt later.

 

 

By |

A ‘Women of NASA’ LEGO set will be released on November 1st.  Collectors are already demanding to know why Princess Leia isn’t included in it.

  • The hope is that the set will encourage more young women to pursue careers in STEM fields, or to get jobs stacking bricks.

Boston company Global Protection introduced myONE Perfect fit, a line of 60 custom-fit condoms offered in 10 different lengths and 9 different widths, all of which ship in foil packages labeled XXL.

  • Men interested in trying the product can download a kit to measure their penis, to ensure both proper fit and guaranteed disappointment in the result.

SeaWorld announced they’re laying off 350 workers. Employees arrived to find notes pinned to the tanks reading “Go, fish.”

Ivanka Trump contributes several paragraphs to her mother Ivana’s memoir Raising Trump, claiming that she went through a “punk phase”. As proof, Ivanka produced ticket stubs from a Jem and the Holograms concert.

Billy Joel’s wife is pregnant, answering critics who state he hasn’t come out with anything new in decades.

Google Maps removed a feature where walking distances were equated to the number of cupcake calories burned, after complaints that it would trigger those with eating disorders. Critics complained that the move was too politically correct, and that people with eating disorders are probably driving to get their cupcakes anyway.

Secret Service agents arrested a Kentucky man after he scaled the White House fence wearing a Pikachu costume. The incident inspired a new mobile game, Pokemon Freeze Or We’ll Blow Your Head Off.

Delta Airlines debuted its new Airbus A350 widebody jet on Tuesday in Atlanta, taking journalists on a 2p demonstration flight that left at 5p due to mechanical issues.

The National Retail Federation projects Halloween spending will hit a record high of $9.1 Billion this year. Spending on costumes projects at $3.4 Billion, candy at $2.7 Billion, and the rest spent on decorations, DUI lawyers, and pressure washers to clean houses that give out candy corn.

Florida Governor Rick Scott declared a state of emergency in advance of white supremacist Richard Spencer’s scheduled speech at the University of Florida in Gainesville. Spencer’s speech is a ticketed event, as opposed to most southern racism, which is general admission.

 

 

 

 

By |

A high school art teacher in Arkansas was arrested, accused of having sex with four students. Her arraignment is delayed while she’s being treated for finger paint and paper mache infections.

Dozens of Florida women volunteered to do the laundry of visiting electrical linemen helping to restore power to the state after Hurricane Irma. Dozens of smarter Florida women are just buying the linemen new underwear.

For the first time in its 250-year history, the Marine Corps will have a female infantry officer. She will assume the post after completing mandatory training to prevent sexually harassing herself.

A Georgia area music teacher was removed from the classroom after giving her students printouts of vulgar rap lyrics and telling them to make them “more positive”. Of those students completing the assignment, the most popular n-word was “nurses”.

France is considering skipping the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea over security concerns, disappointing gamblers waiting to bet against the French men’s ice hockey team.

Travelers to Mexicali, Mexico are being warned about 7Up beverages contaminated with methamphetamine. One person has died from drinking it, and dozens more have died from routine chemical explosions at the bottling plant.

The FDA has recalled 11-ounce cans of Death Wish Nitro Cold Brew coffee because of botulism risk. An FDA spokesperson said the contaminated coffee could be lethal to drink, unless someone has built up an immunity drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

A California woman reported that while she watched HGTV, she heard a male voiceover speaking the warning “in the last days, extremely violent time will come.” No word from HGTV on whether they’ll air more episodes of House Hunters: Apocalypse.

Megyn Kelly Today debuts on NBC at 9a.m. Monday. Kelly assured reporters that “It’s not going to be the Trump channel.” Meanwhile Fox & Friends debuts a new show at 9a.m. Monday called The Trump Channel.

Former Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall told Bleacher Report that he now has a ‘dream job’ as a staff writer for HBO’s Ballers. Mendenhall said that he’s had a much easier time getting his pro football stories on screen than he did when he tried writing for Game of Thrones. 

By |

Millionaire Marc Bell, a former owner of Penthouse magazine, opened his mansion to 70 foster children displaced by Hurricane Irma. So far, the girls favorite activity is getting manicures, and the boys favorite activity is looking through Bell’s photo collection.

Pop star Selena Gomez revealed to fans that she received a kidney transplant in August from her friend, actress Francia Raisa. Taylor Swift quickly cranked out a diss track slamming Gomez’s failed kidney.

President Trump toured Naples and Ft. Myers Florida to view the damage from Hurricane Irma. The President told Floridians he would be there for them 100 percent, meaning he plans to move to Mar A Lago full time.

  • The President was joined by First Lady Melania, who created her own tragedy by wearing white pants after Labor Day.

Ivanka Trump told the Financial Times that the public has “unrealistic expectations” of how much she can influence her father, President Donald Trump; adding that to influence him, she’d actually have to want to be in the same room with him.

Some parts of the Florida Keys may be without power for a month. Impeachment proceedings have already started against the Mayor of Margaritaville.

A federal judge revoked Martin Shkreli’s bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for anyone sending him a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Reached for comment, Bill Clinton said he’s still waiting for his money.

A Silicon Valley CEO says that she dyed her blonde hair brown in order to be taken more seriously. She considers it a success, but her female coworkers think her long hair drags down her face.

A research study confirms that women have more keen olfactory senses, and are more bothered by objectionable smells than men. Bad news for husbands claiming ‘it wasn’t me’.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told a women’s leadership conference that “men still run the world, and it’s not going that well.” Her boss, CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked what she meant and Sandberg replied “nothing”.

The U.S. Air Force states that over 20,000 ‘space junk’ objects threaten to collide and interfere with larger space craft such as the Hubble Telescope and major communications satellites. A solution is still years away, until NASA convinces astronauts to drive garbage trucks.

The Census Bureau reports that Philadelphia remains America’s “poorest big city”, with over 25% of residents living below the poverty line. It’s so bad, Philly residents can’t even save enough money to move to Detroit.

 

By |

ABC announced its newest Bachelor — 35 year-old race car driver Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Dozens of young women will now battle it out for pole position.

China has banned soft cheese imports. Now no one there has to worry about saying ‘brie’ or ‘camembert’ correctly.

A new Miss America will be crowned Sunday night. Miss Florida’s talent will be ‘getting out of Florida.’

UFC women’s fighter Paige VanZant told ‘The MMA Hour’ that she’s “passed out in her bathroom” cutting weight before fights. Her boyfriend said he passed out in the bathroom after she used it, too.

Chili’s announced that it’s eliminating 40% of its menu items, in a move that recent diners at Chili’s call ‘a good start’.

  • The chain made the move after research showed customers got confused looking through so many pictures to find the fajitas and ribs.

A 13 year-old girl in England who died from a brain aneurysm set a record by having 8 of her organs donated and successfully transplanted. The number would have been greater but one finicky recipient wanted blue eyes, not brown.

The FBI is investigating whether Uber used software to illegally interfere with its competitors. Uber denied the claim, saying its software is only used to gouge its own customers.

Anna Faris, now separated from husband Chris Pratt, said on her podcast that Pratt was not her best friend. Pratt said that Faris wasn’t his best friend either. Their nanny was.

Equifax announced one of the largest data breaches in U.S. history, with over 140 million persons’ records stolen, including names, addresses and social security numbers. Identity thieves expressed disappointment in how terrible everyone’s credit scores are.

Disney introduced a new group of 8 Mouseketeers – the first new group in 20 years. The new kids will star in the rebooted Club Mickey Mouse, which can only be viewed on social media. ‘Club Mickey Mouse’ is now parents’ most-blocked account on Facebook and Instagram.