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Krispy Kreme is giving a free glazed doughnut per day to anyone showing a COVID-19 vaccination card. They say the offer is only for people getting a COVID-19 vaccine, and is not valid for insulin shots.

The Supreme Court agreed to hear a Massachusetts request to reinstate Boston Marathon bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev’s death sentence, with a spokesperson for the Court adding “this oughta be a quick one”.

20,000 Buddhists gathered via Zoom to celebrate Makha Bucha Day, one of their holiest days, where they celebrate principles like the quest for enlightenment, and the quest to figure out Zoom.

A new Microsoft study finds Generation Z workers think remote work makes them miss out on career growth from being around people in an office. The study researched 200 remote workers that Microsoft just fired.

Buckingham Palace is considering hiring a ‘Diversity Czar’, to help the Royal Family and their employees display empathy and foster understanding toward all shades of white people.

The NASA Mars Perseverance Rover shared a first look at partner vehicle, the Ingenuity Helicopter. A martian climbed out of the helicopter but stood up too soon and lost its head.

A top Fox Network executive died of COVID-19 complications. “We can’t believe it” said Fox News employees, meaning the coronavirus.

A ton of frozen pasta is being recalled because it was never inspected. Officials say you should return or throw out any products from Chef BoyarDisease.

Former Missouri Governor Eric Greitens, who resigned following a scandal where he blackmailed a hairdresser with nude photos, is running for the Senate. He said he’s the right guy to represent the Show Me..Yours state.

Women are more likely than men to have skipped healthcare visits during the pandemic, according to a study of men who have heard all about it.

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American Airlines has so much extra wine they’re selling it to the public. Bottles cost $13 to $40, but for an extra $100 they’ll send a flight attendant to your house that you can hit on while you drink it.

Former Trump economic adviser Kevin Hassett approves of Joe Biden’s $1.9 trillion economic rescue program, saying he has his eye on a $1,400 set of golf clubs.

Banks United and Professional Bank, will no longer do business with Donald Trump after his role in the DC riots; this follows Deutsche Bank and Signature Bank ending their business. However, Trump is still welcome at his bank, according to Monopoly Guy Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Canines will sniff-screen Miami Heat fans attending home games for COVID-19. If the dog detects the virus, all members of that person’s party will be refused entry. If the dog smells cancer, the animal will ignore it.

Mattel introduced a new Barbie inspired by Maya Angelou. Turns out Ken is kinda into older black chicks.

Riley June Williams, the 22-year-old woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, was released from jail pending trial. She’s rumored to be the star of a Fox News version of The Bachelorette, where she’ll choose from 40 eligible Proud Boys.

University of Notre Dame Football was found in violation of NCAA recruiting rules. Their punishment is bowl-ineligibility for a year, and saying ten rosaries.

Joe Biden issued an Executive Order to combat hunger – a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

The James Bond film ‘No Time To Die’ and ‘Ghostbusters: Afterlife’ have both been delayed from summer 2021 to fall, after AMC Theaters announced everyone attending movies before October would be required to get a vaccine, large popcorn and drink.

After outcry over their removal from the Capitol to sleep in a parking garage, National Guard troops were allowed back in the Capitol building. Although it’s taking a while, because a lot of them lost their tickets to exit the garage.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.

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The CDC is meeting to determine the first recipients of COVID-19 vaccines – not counting the ones who keep it after the White Elephant gift exchange at the CDC office Christmas party.

After a large metal monolith was placed in a remote Utah desert and then removed, another has been found in Romania. Many believe the tall steel monuments are the work of aliens who don’t know how to find someplace cool to leave their mark.

‘Not Wanted’ posters of Ivanka Trump are appearing in New York City. Trump is reportedly planning to move her family to New Jersey or Florida – places that aren’t as prone to negative publicity.

On Monday morning, outgoing First Lady Melania Trump unveiled the f**king White House Christmas decorations.

Sean Hannity admitted to his Fox News show’s audience that he doesn’t ‘vet’ the content that airs on it, right before Betsy Devos made her cable television stand-up comedy debut.

Barack Obama admitted that he received national security briefings regarding UFOs, but wouldn’t say if he believed them. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is seeking additional funding for the Space Force.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly received an experimental COVID-19 vaccine. News agencies claim it was delivered from China, but Kim said he developed it himself at his remote Fortress Of Solitude.

South Korea modified its military service requirement so a member of boy-band BTS won’t have to join the Army on his 28th birthday. South Korean soldiers are bummed they won’t get to learn any new choreography for parades.

McRib returns to all McDonald’s locations on Wednesday, according to a McDonald’s spokesperson, and to the senior agent leading a Secret Service motorcade departing the White House at 11:50p.m. tonight.

A possible tornado damaged a Costco in suburban Philadelphia on Monday. A real tornado, not shoppers trying to score a $300 70-inch tv.

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Registered Democrats are returning twice as many ballots as registered Republicans in early voting returns – according to Republican poll workers who say they’re having a hard time keeping up with shredding them.

John Lennon would have turned 80 today, if you believe he could have survived listening to Yoko Ono sing for another 39 years.

The head golf pro at an Upstate New York club died after a tree fell on him. Rescuers moved the tree branch, but were assessed a two-stroke penalty.

Famed plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow – star of E! Network show ‘Botched’ – claims a former patient is extorting him for $5 million because of her failed buttock lift. Since her ass was damaged, she wants to sue Dubrow’s off.

Microsoft is allowing employees to work from home permanently – provided they’re using Apple computers so they don’t spend the whole day with tech support.

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the World Food Programme for their efforts battling global famine – narrowly edging out the guy who put on a McDonald’s & Burger King buffet for the football team.

An Australian surfer is missing in a suspected shark attack. So far the shark’s lawyers have refused investigator’s requests to floss his teeth.

Dollar General is opening new stores targeted at wealthier shoppers: Dollar Twenty-Nine General.

Donald Trump still wants to have campaign rallies, despite his voice giving out calling ‘Hannity’. The rallies would have the sign-language translator at the podium, while Trump flails his arms and tries to talk in the background.

The new ‘Jurassic World’ movie halted production after several velociraptors tested positive for COVID-19.

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United Airlines will give COVID-19 tests to some passengers. The ones who fail will be assigned to Boarding Group 19.

South Bend, Indiana outfitted its school buses with wifi. They allow students to use the Internet on rides to & from school, and let bullies view porn during downtime between beating up nerds.

A two-year-old boy found a loaded handgun on a Philipsburg, New Jersey playground. The boy is now first in line for the slide, the swings, and the carousel – got it?

Michael Cheatle, 37, a married private school teacher in suburban Philadelphia, was charged with having an illicit sexual relatiionship with a 17-year-old student. You can’t spell Cheatle without..

Nintendo released a new Fortnite-like battle royale game where 35 Super Marios fight each other until just one remains. The game is called Plumbers Union and it costs $150 per hour to play.

The new James Bond theme – No Time To Die – was released by singer Billie Eilish. Eilish’s color-streaked hair is changed for the video, since she had no time to dye.

Nicki Minaj gave birth to her first child, who was uninjured after exiting the birth canal and dropping two feet to the table below.

A new report finds 40% of the world’s plant life is at risk of extinction. Most of those are plants bought for Dads after him and Mom split up.

Amazon said over 19,000 of its workers contracted COVID-19 – and, of those, almost 10 were allowed to miss work.

A man wielding a sledgehammer broke the window of a Fox TV affiliate in Philadelphia and demanded to speak to a news anchor. Fox accommodated him, then put him in a limo to New York City and gave him his own 11pm show on Fox News.

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A construction worker who ate a bag of black licorice every day for weeks died from heart failure. At his autopsy, the five-foot blockage in his colon entered the Guinness Book of Records as World’s Largest Twizzler.

Amazon announced the new Ring Always Home security camera – a flying in-house drone. Pricing is unavailable, but it’s believed to be cheap enough for creepy kid brothers to spy on their sister’s slumber party.

A federal judge ruled Tucker Carlson is not a reliable source of news. She wasn’t in court, she was just sitting at home rolling her eyes watching ‘Tucker Carlson Tonight’.

Two Californians were charged with murder after discarding a dismembered body on a golf course. The hole was a dog-leg right, and two human legs left.

44-year-old Shauna Bishop, a Sacramento County California sheriff’s deputy, plead guilty to sex with a 16-year-old boy. She was placed under arrest, and the boy was placed over her.

An Arkansas man found a 9-carat diamond while hiking at a state park. He plans to have the stone mounted, and finally ask his pig to marry him.

NASA warned that China will launch its own space station in 2022. To prove it, U.S. astronauts at the International Space Station shared menus left on the door handle reading ‘coming soon’.

Donald and Melania Trump were booed when they visited the body of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They were reportedly shaken because the loudest ones came from inside the casket.

Spoken word poet Brandon Leake won the grand prize on America’s Got Talent. He receives $1 million, and will headline the most poorly-attended show in Las Vegas history.

Police in India are questioning Bollywood superstar Deepika Padukone as part of an inquiry into celebrity drug use. “Don’t give us the usual song & dance” said cops, as Padukone performed a new routine in the interrogation room.

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Police charged three people with murder after finding a dead body wrapped in plastic on the roof of a New York City McDonald’s. Though cops were pretty happy to finally be dealing with a corpse that smelled like french fries.

20-year-old pairs figure skater Ekaterina Alexandrovskaya died. Her funeral is scheduled for six months from now, when the guy finally finishes chiseling her name into a grave stone.

Some companies are embracing the concept of ‘open hiring’ – where employees are hired without resumes or interviews. The companies still have Human Resources departments, because they need to fire people and plan office birthday parties in the break room.

Football stars trended the hashtag #WeWantToPlay while criticizing the NFL’s lack of a comprehensive plan for coronavirus. In response, the league announced the COVID-19 Protocol, where every concussed player gets a free coronavirus exam in the tent.

Model Chrissy Teigen posted pics of scars on her breasts, claiming “nobody believes” that she had breast reduction surgery. She’ll post more racy pics no one asked for because “nobody believes” she’s getting enough attention.

Black staffers at Fox News accused the channel’s executives of creating a ‘white supremacist cell’.  The execs disagreed, saying that it’s really a large cluster of cells.

Donald Trump told Fox News Chris Wallace he ‘aced’ a cognitive skills test, and Wallace countered by saying one of the skills was ‘counting backward from 100 by 7s’. Trump said he’s so smart, he was able to get from 100 to 0 in just three numbers.

Kanye West reportedly wants Jay Z to be his vice presidential running mate. Jay Z said he doesn’t need the hundredth problem.

The Director of Pediatric Medicine at Tufts University says teens need access to condoms to prevent them using alternatives like plastic wrap and plastic bags – because many times they decide to have sex somewhere other than their kitchen.

A U.S. Customs & Border Patrol team has been moved from the U.S./Mexico border to Portland, Oregon to deal with a wave of protests, and to pick up some exttra cash helping Mexican drug lords get product to far-away Portland, Oregon.

 

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Three teens died in Brooklyn after their cars collided in a vacant lot while doing donuts. About a dozen disappointed cops arrived at the scene after hearing ‘donuts’.

A woman in Japan was found to have a black worm living in her tonsils after she ate contaminated sashimi. The woman recovered and the worm was returned to the 60 -degree refrigerated case at 7-Eleven.

Claudia Conway – daughter of Kellyanne & George Conway – said she’s being kicked off of social media as punishment by her parents. Since she’s 15 years old, thin and blond, she’s being grounded in the West Wing.

Reigning WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne said her request to opt out of the upcoming season due to past Lyme disease has been denied. The league said if she wants she can wear ‘Don’t Get Lyme Disease’ on her jersey.

School districts in Los Angeles and San Diego will conduct classes online-only in the fall. Teachers having inappropriate relationships with students will be limited to cybersex.

A Colorado squirrel tested positive for bubonic plague. The squirrel agreed to self-isolate for 14 days at one of your bird feeders.

Tucker Carlson’s head writer, Blake Neff, resigned after admitting to making racist and sexist posts in an online forum. Neff apologized, saying he mistakenly posted the material online when it was intended to go on Carlson’s teleprompter.

For the first time in months, New York City reported zero COVID-19 deaths – but several people died after New Yorkers fired guns into the air to celebrate the good news.

White Castle restaurants introduced Flippy, a robot that can flip burgers and fry food. “Stop calling me Flippy” said the 46-year-old divorced recovering addict working at White Castle.

Scientists studying voles – small rodents living in China – found their feel-good dopamine levels increase when they eat their own poop. They believe it’s because it’s better than whatever their partner made for dinner.

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Rapper/actor Machine Gun Kelly is taking a social media break to mourn the death of his father, Pop Gun Kelly.

Ford announced the newly-updated Bronco, and promised to send one to suburban Philadelphia in case Bill Cosby breaks out of prison.

Jimmy John’s employees shared video of themselves making a noose out of bread dough and placing it around one of their necks. It’s the week’s second-most-disgusting sandwich shop video, next to one showing someone eating at Subway.

Disney announced a content development deal with Colin Kaepernick – followed by an announcement from Scrooge McDuck that he’s severing ties with the company.

9 NHL players tested positive for coronavirus – none of whom you’ve heard of.

Restaurant chain Big Boy announced they’re changing mascots to a female named Dolly. Dolly asked not to be referred to as Big Girl.

Cosmopolitan magazine is publishing stories of men walking out on dates. So far, the Number One reason is that “the sex was over’.

Harvard and Princeton universities announced plans for students to return to campus. They say if admitted students aren’t smart enough to avoid coronavirus, they should go to a different school.

Fox News said they ‘mistakenly’ cropped Donald Trump out of a photo of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, adding they mistakenly photoshopped Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden into it.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said the United States is “looking at” banning TikTok and other social media apps – after his video lip-synching to BTS got zero likes.