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Doctors and women are sharing stories of ‘Ozempic babies’ – born to women whose extreme weight loss restored their fertility. They’re thrilled to be pregnant but bummed out about the weight gain.

‘Mammoth’ – the world’s largest vacuum designed to remove pollution from the air, opened in Iceland. It sucks 36,000 tons of carbon emissions from the atmosphere each year, and takes 500 housekeepers to change the vacuum bag.

The CDC is warning of the new COVID variant, ‘FLiRT’. It infects you after convincing you to sign up for its OnlyFans.

Americans tip an average of $38/month. They say they’d rather tip less but don’t want to learn how to multiply by percentages.

American fans of Taylor Swift are traveling to Paris to see the first European shows of her Eras Tour, citing much lower prices they found on TicketMonsieur.

A cruise ship employee was arrested after going on a stabbing spree, thus cutting short the maiden voyage of the new Spirit Airlines Of The Sea cruise line.

Kardashians matriarch Kris Jenner announced she has a tumor in a preview of Season 5 of Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians’. The tumor then hired an agent and negotiated Season 1 of ‘Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Tumor’ on Peacock.

In a decades-long study, meats were shown to have the biggest negative impact on mortality of all ultraprocessed foods – citing heart attacks in grade school kids who doubled up on Lunchables.

Neuralink announced their first in-human brain transplant has experienced a problem. The company said the problem persisted after unplugging the implant, waiting 30 seconds, then plugging it back in again.

A woman in China removed an unconscious pig from her car and attempted to revive it with CPR on a busy highway. The pig died, but was later praised for having an especially tenderized pork belly.

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In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

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In a divorce lawyer’s viral video, she lists the six most common professions of people who cheat on their spouse or significant other. They are: NBA point guard; NBA shooting guard; NBA small forward; NBA power forward; NBA center; & NBA coach.

Gen Z men & women are reportedly ditching dating apps in favor of trying to meet someone in person. Although many admit sharing nude pics as an icebreaker is a lot more risky that way.

Alaska Airlines passengers aboard the flight where a door plug blew off in midair were contacted by the FBI to say they may be “victims of a crime”. The FBI also sent letters to Spirit Airlines passengers saying they’re “victims of their own poor judgment.”

A new study finds venting anger verbally or physically is not as effective at inducing calm as yoga or meditation. However, the most calm person in the study was the woman who yelled at & punched someone after her yoga class.

Donald Trump appeared at a pretrial hearing in a case involving hush money payment to porn star Stormy Daniels. He said he’d be willing to plead guilty if someone would buy a sex tape of him & Stormy Daniels for $454 Million.

Kim Kardashian and NFL star Odell Beckham Jr reportedly split up after six months because she wanted to have a child with him. Beckham did not, but still said Kardashian was a talented wide receiver.

Chick-fil-A announced they’re changing their ‘No Antibiotics Ever’ policy for chickens to ‘No Antibiotics Important To Human Medicine’. Using only antibiotic-free chicken is limiting their supply, so they’re allowing poultry farmers to sell them chickens whose flu and gonorhhea have been successfully treated.

Utah’s Payson High School, location for 1984 film ‘Footloose‘, is having their final prom there because the school is relocating to a new building. 65-year-old star Kevin Bacon announced he’s accepted an invitation to attend – but his wife Kyra Sedgwick isn’t thrilled that he’s going with Payson High’s cheerleading captain.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani will publicly address a multi-million dollar gambling scandal that led to the firing of his Japanese language interpreter. At the very least, Americans are excited to learn how to say “double or nothing” in Japanese.

Philadelphia native Kevin Hart received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Like previous selection Adam Sandler, the committee was willing to overlook a lot of movies.

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Donald Trump referred to himself as ‘Honest Don’ in a Truth Social post. And followed that up by announcing the grand opening Mar a Lago Used Auto Mall.

Five Iron Golf – an chain of indoor golf simulators, is growing in popularity and attracting investors. Many golfers actually prefer it because every 18 holes they save at least a half hour they’d spend looking for lost balls.

Kim Kardashian shared her facial treatment on Instagram before attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party – disappointing millions of followers who only saw Kim Kardashian Facial.

Kim’s Oscar night face regimen was detailed in a series of videos, whose collective run time was exceeded only by Killers Of The Flower Moon.

Madonna criticized a fan attending her concert for sitting down, then realized the fan was sitting in a wheelchair. Madonna later called out the fan for Vogue’ing with just their arms.

There’s growing concern among parents & child development experts over ‘Sephora Kids’ – tweens that spend money on expensive adult skincare regimens. It’s so bad, girls are tossing out Malibu Barbie because they’re worried about her melanoma risk.

A man in Lehigh County, Pennsylvania is wanted for exposing himself to a group of kids walking their dog. He escaped before the dog could positively ID him by sniffing his butt.

Crime in Oakland, California has reached the point where all Taco Bell locations are drive-thru only. Employees are delighted that they no longer have to clean the restrooms, although their job hosing down the parking lot is no picnic, either.

Wesley Burris, a New Mexico man who was treated for radiation exposure after 1945 nuclear tests there, said he has no ill will toward the movie ‘Oppenheimer‘. He does, however, want his money back for ‘Madame Web’.

A British influencer said a trip to Thailand showed her how expensive her life in England is, and that she’s cutting out four things that save her almost $1,000 month – daily coffees, restaurant dinners, new clothes, and trips to Thailand.

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Fans of Architectural Digest are questioning why they chose Kim Kardashian to give commentary on a tour of producer Ryan Murphy’s home for their website. Kardashian defended her interest in architecture, saying she knows a lot about the texture of arks.

NASA is seeking volunteer ‘crew members’ to live in isolation for one year during a simulated mission to Mars. Applicants must have a STEM-based masters-level education and agree not to have unprotected sex on Mars.

Camden, New Jersey preschool students celebrated their 100th day of school by dressing up as 100-year-olds. Some of the kids really got into it, complaining about the applesauce and crapping their pants.

United Airlines diverted a Boston-to-San Francisco flight to Denver after pieces of the wing fell off. Fortunately they were able to fix it with some extra unruly-passenger duct tape and were flying again in no time.

American Airlines is raising its checked bag fees to $35, and promises to do a better job foiling cheapskates by scanning checked luggage for pets and toddlers.

Alabama’s Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos are people. A worker at an Alabama fertility clinic now faces manslaughter charges after forgetting to put the emrbyos back in the freezer after making room for his Popsicles.

Capital One is buying Discover Card for $35 billion. Discover cardholders are hoping they’ll change the name so they get laughed at less often when paying for goods & services.

New York Attorney General Letitia James said she’ll seize Donald Trump’s assets if he doesn’t pay his $345 million fine for fraud. In response, Trump demanded workers crank out 865,000 pairs of his $399 sneakers for James to take.

A duo from China that scammed Apple out of 5,000 iPhones by claiming to run a phone repair service will spend up to 20 years in prison. They were given the opportunity for an alternate sentence building iPhones, but chose prison instead.

In Australia for her Eras Tour performances, Taylor Swift spent a day visiting the Sydney Zoo. She then announced a scathing new diss track for her upcoming album The Tortured Poets Department, titled ‘The Gorilla Won’t Wave Hello Back’.

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Volkswagen is adding artificial intelligence ChatGPT to its cars. Now a Volkswagen can earn a Bachelor’s degree from Arizona State.

Tiger Woods & sponsor Nike are splitting up after 27 years. Nike allegedly found sexts from Adidas on his phone and struck his car with a five-iron.

Electronics manufacturer LG unveiled the world’s largest 77-inch transparent TV, which you can see through when it’s turned off. LG says it makes rooms look bigger, and allows ordinary people with priceless paintings to mount them behind the TV.

The Perkiomen Valley school board in suburban Philadelphia approved a dog for one of the district’s middle schools. The dog will provide students with emotional support and can also eat homework.

Apple debuted its Vision Pro “mixed reality” headset, which ships in early February and costs $3,499. They recommend married couples buy two, so each person can visualize someone else in the bedroom on date nights.

Gabriel Attal, 34, became France’s youngest and first openly gay Prime Minister, and the country’s fourth gay Prime Minister.

Google is working with states so users can add drivers licenses to Google Wallet. Google doesn’t expect to add Mississippi anytime soon since officials there keep telling Google they don’t know how to print their cell phone screen.

Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogacy, saying it’s “exploitation”. Kim Kardashian, who has two kids via surrogate, disagreed, saying it’s both “a bargain, especially if you buy two” and “the best way to have kids without having sex with Kanye”.

United Airlines & Alaska Airlines found loose bolts when inspecting their grounded fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines also inspected their full aircraft fleet and reported no loosening of duct tape or Flex Seal super glue.

Alex Crow, 30, an Alabama priest who fled to Italy to marry an 18-year-old female Catholic school student he’d “groomed”, will be removed as a priest by Pope Francis. But Francis still said he’d buy them something from their registry at Crate & Barrel.

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Ohio voted to protect legal access to abortion in the state constitution. Students in multiple Texas high school districts voted for Cleveland as the destination for their senior class trip.

Charles III gave the first King’s Speech to British Parliament in 72 years, following his ascension to the throne after the death of his mother. It started rough, with Charles asking “so, anybody here from out of town?”

Ivanka Trump arrived in New York to testify in the financial fraud trial of the Trump Organization. The state’s Attorney General said she may also subpoena Tiffany Trump, who never worked for the organization, just so she doesn’t feel left out.

Actor Patrick Dempsey was named People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, in what Donald Trump calls another rigged election, and what Dempsey’s manager calls a lifeline keeping the forgotten actor from appearing in Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

Disney Parks is cracking down on visitors who violate their line policies for the disabled – banning several wheelchair paraplegics who mistakenly stood up to prove they were tall enough for the rides.

Philadelphia voters elected Cherelle Parker as the city’s first woman mayor. Philly business owners are worried their cost of doing business will go up since they now have to put their bribes in Louis Vuitton bags.

Pizza Hut is offering a snake meat pizza in Hong Kong. Several confused delivery drivers were fired for exposing their snake meat to customers.

Four men were charged with the theft of an 18-carat gold toilet from the home of Winston Churchill, valued at $6 million. Although the value dropped significantly after the thieves installed it the morning of Taco Tuesday.

Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear brand is collaborating with Swarovski crystals, leading to emergency room visits for women suffering genital abrasions after putting the briefs on inside-out.

A Canadian woman delivered a 14 pound, 8 ounce baby boy measuring 21.6 inches, breaking the hospital record. The infant was delivered by c-section and a crane to lift him out.

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An Idaho woman is suing her fertility doctor, claiming he secretly used his own sperm to father her now 34-year-old daughter. The doctor’s lawyers informed the court he’d be using a “Hey, It Worked, Didn’t It?” Defense.

Two theme park operators, Six Flags and Cedar Fair, are merging in a deal valued at $8 billion dollars and over a million gallons of vomit.

Donald Trump lashed out on social media over a judge forcing Eric, Don Jr & Ivanka to testify in his financial fraud trial. “Leave my kids alone!” Trump posted, adding “I’ve left all of them alone for years.”

Cable channel TBS will air a ‘Best Of Chandler’ marathon starting November 1st to honor the late Matthew Perry. They’re finalizing on-screen graphics to differentiate it from the existing 22 hours every day they air ‘Friends‘ episodes.

A family is suing Panera Bread, claiming their daughter died after drinking highly caffeinated lemonade. Their case won’t be heard for years, after Panera lawyers settle dozens of lawsuits where customers choked to death on scones.

400 Americans were approved to leave war-torn Gaza. 250 of them could have left already, but they keep haggling for business & first class seat upgrades on the flights home.

Kim Kardashian announced her underwear brand, SKIMS, has entered a partnership with the NBA. Every NBA player will receive personalized instructions on removing SKIMS from new female friends they meet on the road.

Investigators determined two men escaped from a Philadelphia prison in May because a guard slept on the job, surveillance cameras didn’t work, a known hole in a fence was left unrepaired, and – perhaps most importantly – the prisoners broke their promise to stay inside and be good.

A dietitian released a list of foods that mimic the ingredients of popular weight loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. The list includes high-fiber items like rye bread & barley, and more controversial low-fiber items like the Quarter Pounder w/Ozempic.

Police are investigating AI-generated nude images of young female students circulated at a New Jersey high school. No arrests have been made, but the Computer Club has seen a gigantic spike in participation.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.

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Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, broke a Guinness World Record, becoming the oldest person to do a tandem skydive. The guy attached to her is still working to get rid of the smell.

A $55 Stevie Nicks Barbie doll sold out on its first day of release. The doll, which recreates her late-70s ‘Rumours‘-era look, comes with a microphone and cocaine.

Queer dating app Lex is growing in popularity, receiving millions of dollars in venture capital funding. The app is increasingly popular with lesbians, who had a little trouble finding it since they thought the name was Licks.

Four Catholic elementary schools in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia were given Blue Ribbon status by the Department of Education. They were nominated by a panel of priests and nuns who determined the schools had the sexiest students.

Britney Spears is demanding an apology from cops who performed a welfare check at her home after she posted a video dancing with knives. She’s even angrier after learning they made two stops for coffee and donuts on the way to her house

Jay-Z and other billionaires held a $500,00-per-ticket charity auction & blackjack tournament in Atlantic City attended by Kim Kardashian, Tom Brady and others. However, celebrities were paid over a million dollars each to convince them to spend a night in Atlantic City.

A woman is suing Disney, claiming she suffered serious injuries to her genitals from a ‘wedgie’ caused by the Humunga Kowabunga water slide at Typhoon Lagoon. Her husband is also suing, saying the injuries prevent him from putting his humunga in her kowabunga.

New surveillance footage & photos emerged from the MGM Grand hotel and the BMW carrying Tupac Shakur on the night of his murder. At 27 years, it’s the oldest “new” evidence in forensics history.

Tara Reid, Blac Chyna & Dez Bryant all quit reality show ‘Special Forces: World’s Toughest‘ amidst the grueling physical challenges. The timing works out because filming begins next week on Sharknado 15.

Donald Trump shared a sketch of Jesus sitting next to him at his fraud trial. The sketch was reportedly made prior to Jesus quitting because he wasn’t getting paid.