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Irish airline Aer Lingus announced a new policy where they’ll refuse to allow visibly intoxicated passengers on board. Shares of Aer Lingus fell 90% as flights out of Dublin are departing empty.

Amazon is now providing two-hour beer, wine & liquor delivery to Prime members in Texas. Members are told to wait on their porch for a delivery drone flying erratically and wearing a cowboy hat.

The FBI states that cases of in-flight sexual assault by airline passengers are up 66% from 2014-2017. Defendants claim there’s no leg room in coach, and they’re being wrongfully accused trying to climb over women in the aisle seat to get to the bathroom.

In India, technicians repairing an out-of-order ATM found a dead rat and $17,500 in shredded currency in its cash drawer. Police arrested two other rats waiting in a nearby battery-operated getaway car.

Lori McAllen, a clerk for the Oregon Department of Transportation, was suspended after allegedly using Facebook to call for illegal immigrants to be shot at the Mexican border. Attempts to reach McAllen for comment were unsuccessful, while she interviews for a senior position at the Department of Homeland Security.

When Facebook users search for opioid prescription drugs on the platform, Facebook is directing them to a government help line. When Facebook users search for marijuana, they’re being offered great deals on vacations to Colorado and Canada.

The New England Journal of Medicine reported the case of a 32-year-old Russian woman who had documented, via selfies, a moving lump on her face that turned out to be a parasitic worm, Dirofilaria repens, living beneath her skin. Doctors removed the worm, who then told her he’s moving in with another woman who wants bigger lips.

Comedian Tom Arnold said that he’s teaming up with former Trump attorney/fixer Michael Cohen to take down President Trump — and to deliver a long-awaited sequel to The Stupids.

The United States, which had been sending 4,000 container loads of recyclable plastic to China each day, now must find a new destination after China banned the import of plastic waste. Americans are being urged to hold on to their Fitbits until a new solution is found.

ABC Networks announced this fall they’ll debut The Conners – featuring the cast of Roseanne, minus Roseanne Barr. To maintain a conservative political voice to replace Barr’s character, the show will add the role of a babysitter for the Conner grandchildren, played by Scott Baio.

 

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Florida lifeguards treated over 800 beachgoers for jellyfish stings over three days. Because of the large volume, dozens of off-duty lifeguards had to be brought in to urinate on the victims’ wounds.

Experts suggest climate change may be responsible for the deaths of Africa’s ‘boabab’ trees, which can live up to 2,000 years. The boababs — called Trees of Life — will now be called Hospice Trees.

A 10-year-old girl from Scranton, Pennsylvania who made a viral video about being bullied was invited by the New York Yankees to Yankee Stadium for a home game. There, she was able to spend three hours hearing grown men yell at baseball players about how much they suck.

Comcast bid $65 billion to acquire most of the assets of 20th Century Fox:

  • Urging them to act soon before time runs out on this great deal.
  • Fox turned down the initial bid, so Comcast offered to throw in 6 months of Starz.
  • Comcast said $65 billion was the opening bid, but that the rate would go up in a couple of months.

Wednesday marks the first day of legal sports betting in New Jersey. The NJ state government is looking for qualified concrete workers and boat operators to deal with bettors who can’t pay up.

Nintendo of America presented its future games and business plans at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The biggest surprise was an announcement from Princess Peach that Bowser has been terminated from all future games for his repeated history of inappropriate conduct toward women.

Former Trump adviser and “fixer” Michael Cohen has parted ways with his legal team. A source said that the separation was the result of a fee dispute – specifically, the porn stars that Cohen offered for payment were too old.

Moviepass now has over three million subscribers, most of whom were still too busy to see ‘Solo’.

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages. Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

California is exploring splitting into three separate states: Northern California; Southern California; and New California. It’s still a long way from reality, as it would need to be ratified by voters and approved by Congress, the Bloods and the Crips.

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Matt Gaetz flipped off

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz posted a photo with a group of sixth graders, and a young girl is giving him the middle finger in the background. Her mother apologized, while the girl’s Political Action Committee has raised $2 million for her to run against Gaetz.

A 19-year-old UK girl was sentenced to 11 years in prison for stabbing her male partner while they had sex. Officials say they’ll now add this story to ‘perils of drunk driving’ when reviewing prom night safety.

Cinema subscription service Moviepass returned to its original one-movie-a-day value proposition, after briefly experimenting with a ‘four-movies-a-month, plus we pay you twenty bucks for sitting through I Feel Pretty’ offer.

Los Angeles-based Carmar Denim is selling Extreme Cut Out Jeans for $168. Finally, you can get into a girl’s pants just by looking at them.

  • “Is that a clitoris in your pants or are you just happy….wait, yep, it is I can see it from here.”

cutout jeans

The doors of a Brinks armored truck flew open on an interstate highway near Indianapolis, sending hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash spilling on to the highway. Some motorists stopped, but most said “no thanks, I’m still leaving Indianapolis”.

Twitter was hacked and requested that all users change their passwords. President Trump convened a staff meeting to determine if he’s up to Password2 or Password3.

Trump, responding to Rudy Giuliani’s comments about his reimbursement of Michael Cohen’s payments to Stormy Daniels, said Giuliani “needs to get his facts straight.” Although the point at which Trump lawyers get their facts straight is the time that they stop working for Trump.

Trump also said that the site and date of a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been finalized, but he won’t say where it is because Gymboree doesn’t confirm events until the deposit check clears.

Meghan Markle’s father will walk her down the aisle for her wedding to Britain’s Prince Harry, following an evaluation by Buckingham Palace to determine if he was boring enough.

Scientists who deleted an enzyme called NAMPT in laboratory mice have made the mice “completely resistant” to obesity while still consuming a high-fat diet. The mice celebrated by returning to Chipotle for the first time in weeks.

  • The study did not elaborate on NAMPT, with scientists stating only that the ‘A’ stands for Arby’s.

 

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126 pounds of methamphetamine were found and seized in a truck hauling Starbucks products in Washington state. Starbucks has delayed the Seattle test launch of the Caramel Mocha Crankuccino.

Katy Perry met Pope Francis. She was assigned ten Hail Marys for kissing a girl and liking it.

A judge ordered a 90-day delay in Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against Trump attorney Michael Cohen, citing Cohen’s possible indictment on federal crimes. Her attorney plans to appeal for a speedier trial, but just in case, Daniels plans to use the 90 days to shoot 120 new movies.

France’s First Lady Brigitte Macron said of her U.S. counterpart Melania Trump, she’s “really fun”, but “can’t go outside”. Macron was referring to the heavy security surrounding Mrs. Trump, but also recalled Melania becoming frustrated after 10 minutes of trying to pull open a sliding door.

A Vietnam Airlines flight crew was suspended for landing on a closed runway at Cam Ranh Airport, stranding passengers since the new, under-construction runway isn’t connected to any others. Several passengers called the delay their Vietnam.

McDonald’s surprised analysts with 1st-quarter earnings that beat expectations, and with at least two-dozen hot fries that spilled out of the container into the bottom of the bag.

Avengers – Infinity War posted $250 million in ticket sales on opening weekend, the biggest in U.S. cinema history. Cheapskates with Moviepass broke their own records sitting through junk after they couldn’t get into Infinity War.

Sprint and T-Mobile agreed to a $26 Billion merger, creating the world’s largest provider of dropped calls.

President Trump thanked U.S. Paralympic athletes for their performance in the Winter Games in South Korea, but curiously mentioned that the games were “tough to watch” – since he didn’t know the numbers for any channels other than Fox News.

One of the jurors in the Bill Cosby trial spoke to Good Morning America, saying one of the keys to his conviction was a 2005 deposition in which the actor admitted to giving quaaludes to women. And that one of the other keys was Cosby doing it about fifty or so times.

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Dr. Ronny Jackson withdrew from consideration to run the Veterans Administration after a string of accusations including inappropriate work behavior, drunkenness, and handing out opioids. After Jackson withdrew, this guy’s beeper went off:

trump-doctor

 

According to a Pew study, four in five Americans believe in God. According to a different Pew study of dead people, none of them do.

Actor/wrestler John Cena, promoting the Transformers spinoff movie “Bumblebee” in Las Vegas, told ‘Entertainment Tonight’ that the end of his engagement to Nikki Bella “sucks”. He added that getting to date other women “sucks less” and that he expects ‘Bumblebee’ will “suck”.

The library at the University of Utah installed a “cry closet” where students stressed out by final exams can hold stuffed animals and let out tensions. Or, they can just go to the far corner of the Reference section and have sex like normal people.

Southwest Airlines said they’ve encountered a “softness” in bookings following the fatality aboard Flight 1380. They’ve also encountered difficulty with people sitting on each other’s laps on the aisle to avoid shrapnel flying through the window.

A new study of e-cigarette users said that non-tobacco ‘flavors’ are increasingly important to both younger and older e-cig users, and that e-cigs increase the likelihood of actual cigarette use. The data  inspired the release of New Hawaiian Punch Marlboros.

President Donald Trump called into ‘Fox & Friends’ on Thursday morning to discuss “Leakin’ Liar James Comey”, Kanye West and Michael Cohen – but only after receiving assurances that there be no ‘Avengers – Infinity War’ spoilers before the 7pm screening at the White House.

President Trump said he was “too busy” to get a present for wife Melania’s 48th birthday. He claimed he got her a “beautiful card” and flowers. Insiders said the First Lady is looking forward to a ‘spa day’, which is the term she uses for any day she doesn’t have to see her husband.

Kanye West tweeted that he has an autographed ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, signed by President Trump, but not signed by Vice President Mike Pence in order to retain its value.

The House Judiciary Committee will hear arguments on Thursday regarding perceived social media bias against conservative viewpoints on Facebook, Google & Twitter. Twitter and Google have not said whether they’ll attend; Facebook confirmed that it will not be at the meeting, and that they’ve Snoozed Congress for 30 days.

 

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Michael Cohen, in a hearing regarding documents seized by the FBI, revealed that Fox News anchor Sean Hannity was also a client in addition to Donald Trump.  The ‘witch hunt’ is now a ‘which hunt’ – as in, ‘which’ is the bigger scumbag client of Michael Cohen?

Desiree Linden became the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon since 1985, after six Kenyan and Ethiopian women runners froze to death.

Domino’s announced that they’re creating hotspots so that people can have pizza delivered to outdoor locations like the beach. They came up with the idea when they noticed not very many people were getting sick to their stomachs at the beach.

Former FBI Director James Comey said that Donald Trump is “morally unfit to be President.” Adding to “physically”, “mentally”, “emotionally”, “strategically” and, of course, “totally”.

The New York Times and The New Yorker shared a Pulitzer prize for public service for their reporting on Harvey Weinstein and sexual harassment in Hollywood. The winning writers exchanged polite handshakes and nobody even thought about hugging each other.

Sun Country Airlines stranded passengers in Mexico, cancelling their return flights to Minnesota. The airline is seasonal, so cancelled flights were the last ones and Sun Country refused to send other aircraft. Luckily, a benevolent Mexican stranger offered to fly stranded passengers back to the states after they each swallowed several condoms.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Armstrong said employees will undergo ‘unconscious bias’ training following the Philadelphia incident where police were called to remove two black men from the shop. The training will also prevent baristas from putting six Splenda packets in black customers’ coffees without their asking.

James Comey continued a string of tv appearances Tuesday on ABC’s Good Morning America for a follow-up conversation with George Stephanopoulos. But he had to cut it short to get to his new gig on Live! With Kelly and Comey.

Brett Favre reportedly auditioned to replace departed Jon Gruden as color announcer on Monday Night Football, but was removed from consideration for repeatedly using his penis as the quarterback on the telestrator.

Pro wrestlers Nikki Bella and John Cena have ended their engagement. Insiders claim that Cena was balking over going through with their May wedding, leading Bella to tag out. The couple requests privacy until they can explain what happened at the next Wrestlemania.

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President Trump expelled 60 Russian diplomats from the U.S. as retaliation for Russia’s alleged role in the poisoning of a former spy in the U.K. The diplomats then presented Trump with apology letters from their parents, and he said they weren’t expelled and could go back to class.

A recent survey of 150 doctors, dietitians and personal trainers revealed only 3 knew what happens to fat – it’s converted to carbon dioxide and water – when people lose weight. The same survey of 150 liposuction doctors yielded 148 correct answers and 2 arrests.

Stormy Daniels is suing Trump attorney Michael Cohen for defamation. This is her second defamation lawsuit; she awaits a ruling on a suit filed for incorrectly listing her name as Stormee Daniel in the credits of Ass Blasters 13.

Daniels’ friend, adult actress Alana Evans, told CNN that Daniels kept the dress that she wore to her alleged date with Donald Trump. She also kept a gift card to a Lake Tahoe dry cleaner and a bottle of Shout sent to her from Trump attorney Michael Cohen.

Utah Governor Gary Herbert signed a bill into law that frees parents from liability for letting their children play unsupervised. The “Free Range Kids” bill takes effect May 8th, giving Utah parents plenty of time to equip their kids with guns to ward off predators.

97-year-old retired Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens penned an opinion piece for the New York Times calling for a repeal of the Second Amendment.  Stevens claims that it’s no longer relevant in today’s society, and he should know, since he was in the room when it was signed.

A man attempting to board a Detroit bus with a goat was kicked off, despite the man’s claims that the goat was his service animal, and the goat’s claims that he’s an elected Supervisor for the City of Detroit.

A 27-year-old Arizona school teacher accused of a sexual affair with a 13-year-old student told the judge at her preliminary hearing that she would “love to go home to her husband.” Asked why, she replied “because that’s where we keep the condoms I use for meetings with 13-year-old boys.”

Mark Zuckerberg has decided to testify before Congress, although some lawmakers are skeptical that he’ll show up, since he only replied ‘Interested’ to the event invite.

The National Football League is simplifying its Catch Rule. Once approved by owners and the Competition Committee, the rule goes to thousands of slobs in their parents’ basements for review and opinion.

 

 

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Police released details surrounding actress Heather Locklear’s arrest. At one point Locklear threatened to shoot the officers at her home, so they conducted a search for guns. None were found, but the cops did find the script for a T.J. Hooker reboot, which was seized and burned.

Retail toy giant Toys R Us may be closing all of its stores for good, that is unless the CEO’s huge tantrum in bankruptcy court ends with him getting his way.

Scientists showed off a robot that can solve a Rubik’s Cube in as little as 38 one-hundredths of a second. The robot has won its inventors lots of free drinks, but still can’t get them laid.

President Donald Trump is tentatively scheduled to meet with North Korea’s Kim Jung Un. Staffers are worried that if Trump wanted a military parade after visiting France, he’ll return from talking with Un and want to execute several U.S. Cabinet members.

Oprah Winfrey dumped a quarter of the shares she owned in Weight Watchers, but will probably gain them all back and then some.

Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen said that he paid $130,000 to porn actress Stormy Daniels out of his own personal home equity line of credit, which seemed like a lot to spend for a backdoor.

A bikini-clad woman rode a white stallion into Miami nightclub Mokai, causing city officials to shut the club down. The horse was found safe, but entered rehab for his pound-a-day cocaine habit.

The Church of Scientology debuted its own cable channel. Executives of the new Scientology Network invite viewers to watch with their family; and if your family doesn’t want to watch with you, leave them.

At South by Southwest, audio manufacturer Bose introduced augmented reality glasses that give wearers an audio summary of exactly what you’re staring at, quietly enough so that your wife or girlfriend can’t hear it.

Customers at The Mill pub in Salisbury, England are being told to wash their clothes and belongings, after exiled Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia were poisoned with a toxic nerve agent sometime around their visit there. Customers are also being told to avoid the shepherd’s pie. Not on account of the nerve agent, just because.

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Historians discovered a lock of George Washington’s hair inside of a 1793 almanac. The hair was believed to be a gift from Washington to Alexander Hamilton’s son James and his wife, who were registered at a furniture store but, no, this lock of hair is great.

South African President Jacob Zuma resigned after intense pressure from his political party ANC. A spokesperson for ANC said “all we want to see is Zuma zoom zoom.”

Apple’s new HomePod smart speaker is reportedly leaving ring-shaped stains on furniture. Apple will charge $79 to remove them, or, if enough people bitch about it, $29.

Lena Dunham underwent a total hysterectomy as she battles endometriosis and nobody talking about her that much anymore.

A wheelchair-bound 75-year-old woman nicknamed “Kingpin Granny” is accused of trafficking illegal opioids from her Tennessee home. She was released on $50,000 bond, despite prosecutors arguing that while she wasn’t so much a flight risk, she was a rollaway &/or death risk.

55-year-old Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is engaged to 31-year-old Vine star Brittany Furlan. They bonded over the fact that both Motley Crue and Vine don’t exist anymore. This will be Lee’s fourth failed marriage and Furlan’s first.

President Trump offered prayers to the families impacted by the latest deadly school shooting, because as a “stable genius”, he knows how effective that is.

Stormy Daniels has been advised that Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s public admission of a $130,000 payment he made to her voids a non-disclosure agreement, leaving her free to tell her side of an alleged affair with Trump. Daniels hasn’t decided what form her tell-all would be, but most are ruling out a TED Talk.

Netflix canceled 18 shows, saying that most just ran out of stream.

McDonald’s announced that they’re removing cheeseburgers as an option in Happy Meals, following the release of the McDonaldland Coroner’s autopsy report from Hamburglar’s lesser-known brother, Cheeseburglar.

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President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen claims he paid $130,000 out of pocket to porn actress-slash-stripper Stormy Daniels, and was not reimbursed by any Trump organization. Cohen also said that the $130,000 was for Daniels to spend 130 nights with different Make-A-Wish kids.

Amy Schumer announced via Instagram that she has a new boyfriend, a celebrity chef. Next month Schumer debuts her new Netflix special, telling an hour of her favorite original recipes.

AAA released its newest list of Five Diamond hotels, their highest rating. “Maybe next year” said the manager of the newly-remodeled Motel 6 in Northeast Philadelphia.

A viral video is making the rounds of a gigantic wild boar in Hong Kong — dubbed “Pigzilla” — eating out of a dumpster. It’s the biggest boar to be spotted in an Asian nation since Mike Pence arrived in South Korea for the Olympics. [h/t to my friend Paul O., who first made a variation on this joke at the Indiana State Fair]

Amazon is laying off hundreds of employees. Estimates are as high as 400 lost jobs – 200 drones, and 200 people holding the remotes.

A judge, a pastor, and an actor were arrested in a prostitution sting in Naples, Florida. Officials called it ‘a joke setup that needs a little work.’

Shaun White won Olympic gold in snowboard halfpipe, then addressed sexual harassment allegations settled in 2016, where he sent the female drummer in his band pictures of erect fullpipe.

An Arizona woman went to bed with a bad headache and woke up with a British accent. Medical professionals say she has a rare condition called Foreign Accent Syndrome, or ‘Madonnaitis.’

Two mothers in Washington state claim that staffers at their children’s daycare waxed their eyebrows without permission. “Do you want your daughter to win the pageant or don’t you?” asked a daycare worker who requested anonymity.

The U.S. Bureau of Prisons is apparently so short-staffed with guards, that prison nurses and cooks are filling in. The bad news is that the workers fear for their safety; the good news is that prisoners are learning to stitch their own shiv wounds and get advice on food pairings with toilet wine.