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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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Blac Chyna said her breast implant reduction surgery caused side effects – as opposed to when they were inserted, which mostly caused front effects.

Blake Shelton was dragged by fans for giving a prerecorded New Year’s Eve television performance that was promoted as “live”. In it, Shelton is heard asking the crowd if they’re ready for 2019.

Elon Musk said that X will turn a profit in 2024 – despite a large-company advertising boycott – because of ad revenue from small & medium businesses. He defines X advertisers as “small” or “medium” based on their follower count and cup size.

Actor Ian Ziering was attacked by a gang of bikers on Hollywood Boulevard after one of them allegedly struck his car. Ziering was uninjured, and said he feels lucky to have survived this, and multiple Sharknados.

16-year-old Luke Littler became the youngest competitor to reach the semifinals of the World Darts Championship. Littler attributes his success to his age and inability to get as drunk as the other semifinalists.

Spirit Airlines announced the Philadelphia Airport gate agent who placed an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight to Florida no longer has that job – saying the gate agent has been promoted to pilot.

Cherelle Parker was sworn in as the new Mayor of Philadelphia, one day before her official inauguration, and two days before her first formal investigation for bribery & corruption.

As many of 187 names are expected to be revealed as persons linked with Jeffrey Epstein once court documents are unsealed this week. And that’s not including the 1,000-plus names on the Epstein Island waiting list.

Harvard President Claudine Gay faces new calls to resign, after six more allegations of plagiarism were made against her. Gay has yet to comment while she waits for a guy to finish the letter he’s writing explaining why she should keep her job.

Historians are claiming 16th Century philospher Nostradamus correctly predicted a deadly earthquake that struck western Japan on New Year’s Day. However, his results were mixed, as he incorrectly called for Alabama to upset Michigan in the College Football Playoff.

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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.

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The woman seen dancing in a viral video with Jacksonville Jaguars coach Urban Meyer was identified as Cayman Nebraska. Nebraska said the attention is ruining her life, in an even bigger way than being named Cayman Nebraska.

Vanessa Wheeler, a Southwest Airlines passenger in San Jose, said the carrier cancelled six consecutive flights home to Las Vegas over the course of three days. Wheeler went from Boarding Group C to Boarding Group ZZZ.

The Las Vegas Raiders accepted the resignation of Head Coach Jon Gruden, following the release of emails containing racist and homophobic slurs. The emails were so bad, 2 of the 6 NCAA football programs trying to hire him now cancelled their interviews.

The state of Michigan told residents of Benton Harbor not to drink their tap water because it’s contaminated with lead. Or, if they do drink it, they don’t need much because the lead will make them feel full pretty quickly.

Heiry Calvi, a 41-year-old Florida teacher who admitted to sex with a 15-year-old male student, said when taken into custody that she’s pregnant. She won’t say who the father is, only that she and the 15-year-old are registered at GameStop.

Battery manufacturer LG will pay over $1 billion to fund the recall of Chevy Bolt electric cars due to battery fires. They’ll replace the batteries, and throw in a scooter for owners to ride when the cars catch fire again.

Paramount Pictures released the trailer for ‘Scream‘, the fifth film in the popular slasher series. Paramount changed the title after the working title ‘Stop Scream-ing Already’ tested poorly with audiences.

Superman comes out as bisexual in the latest DC Comics series ‘Superman: Son of Kal-El’, and prefers to be called Superperson.

Scientists in Utah discovered what’s believed to be the earliest human use of tobacco approximately 12,300 years ago – a cave painting featuring the Marlboro Neanderthal Man.

A Georgia police officer died during his first day on the job, telling his partner he was just 7,300 days away from his pension.

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A Michigan man is charged with placing pipe bombs at cell phone stores because he was angry about the spread of cursing and pornography. He was apprehended on the way to getting his Macbook repaired at the Genius Bar.

The search for Brian Laundrie continues in Florida, with dive teams searching underwater in swamps. Police have not named Laundrie a suspect in the death of his fiance Gabby Petito, but rather a Person-Probably-Eaten-By-Alligators Of Interest.

A Philadelphia woman grew impatient at a Chipotle restaurant, drawing a gun and saying “somebody better get me my food”. Terrified employees forgot to charge her “a little more” for guacamole.

A Subway sandwich shop franchisee and executive is accused of cheating 3,000 employees out of $38 million in wages and benefits, and of cheating an untold number of customers out of a decent lunch.

Subway’s August sales were their biggest in 8 years, following an overhaul to their menu. “Wow! I can’t wait to try it in 8 years!” said Jared Fogle.

Betty Reid Soskin, a National Park Service Ranger in Richmond, California, turned 100. She celebrated the milestone with her 100-year-old life partner, Smokey The Bear.

Extreme weather conditions are leading to 16-foot waves on the Southwest shores of Lake Michigan, depositing up to three times as many dead gangsters on the Chicago lakefront.

Microsoft will introduce the Surface Laptop Studio, a $1,599 tablet/laptop hybrid that it codenamed ‘The Frankenstein’ during development. They called it Frankenstein because it’s powered by old Zune music players and Microsoft Fit Bands.

Citing a bus driver shortage, Camden, New Jersey is offering parents $1,000 to drive their own kids to school. Since it’s Camden, parents can choose to receive their payment in cash, ammunition, or drugs.

B.B. King’s estate is angry over a biographer’s claim that B.B.’s 15 children with 15 different women can’t possibly be his, because he was left sterile from a boyhood accident. That, and B.B.’s unreleased single ‘Low Sperm Count Blues’.

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Caitlyn Parker, 29, wed 41-year-old radio star and American Idol mentor Bobby Bones, then jumped them later that night.

Right-wing student group Turning Point USA gave ‘Adult VIP’ status to porn star Brandi Love to attend their conference, then revoked it amidst mounting pressure from conservatives. Love was there to promote her latest video, ‘Mounting Pressure’.

Three people reportedly died of carbon monoxide poisoning inside a trailer at a country music festival in Michigan. Country singers plan to memorialize the victims, just as soon as they can find a word that rhymes with ‘monoxide’.

Megan Thee Stallion is the first rapper to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated‘s swimsuit issue. The decision was announced once the magazine found a way to make the cover an inch wider.

Ticket sales for Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ dropped 67% in its second week, as theater owners complained that home rentals on Disney+ hurt attendance, and that they’ll have to store $10 buckets of popcorn until Xmas movie season.

New research suggests cognitively stimulating activities can delay Alzheimer’s symptoms by up to five years. As a result, researchers suggest watching Jeopardy! instead of Wheel Of Fortune.

CNN announced the launch of streaming service CNN+, so people can now angrily shut off computers & streaming devices in addition to cable boxes.

A fisherman caught and photographed a rare blue lobster, then tossed it back in the ocean so that it can hopefully get laid.

The Tokyo Olympic Village furnished athletes quarters with cardboard beds, supposedly to discourage sex. There are questions as to whether or not they’ll work, since some athletes are complaining their room smells like sweat and wet cardboard.

Disney Parks unveiled changes to its Jungle Cruise ride to eliminate racist cultural depictions. They say if visitors still want to see & hear racism, they can listen to the Trump robot in the Hall Of Presidents.

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The manager and eight employees at a Nebraska Burger King all walked out on their jobs and put ‘WE ALL QUIT’ on the large marquee sign in front of the restaurant. “Have it your way” said the owner.

Goldfish dumped in Michigan lakes are growing to over a foot in size, wreaking havoc with ecosystems. Wildlife experts don’t know how to get rid of them, since they’re too large to flush down a toilet.

The U.S. Government began issuing tax credit payments of $3,600 for children under age 6. Demand is surging for platinum rims and high-wattage stereos for tricycles.

Luxury watchmaker Tag Heuer debuted a Connected x Digital Watch featuring Super Mario that will retail for $2,150. Only 2,000 units will be sold, mostly to wealthy collectors who want to impress 10-year-olds.

Coca-Cola is changing Coke Zero Sugar to make it taste more like regular Coke Classic. They’re also considering changing the formula of Dasani Water to make it taste even more like a rusty schoolyard fountain.

Martin Lawrence’s daughter and Eddie Murphy’s son are dating, in what’s expected to bring a truly vulgar & hilarious breakup.

Cardi B gifted her daughter Kulture a diamond necklace for her 3rd birthday. Kulture then lost several baby teeth attempting to eat it.

Billionaire Melinda Gates visited New York City, with a security detail of six bodyguards and three SUVs. “Nice meeting you” said her Match.com date.

Actress Megan Fox said she visited Costa Rica and tried hallucinogen ayahuasca, saying she “went to hell for an eternity”. Fox now knows what it’s like to sit through one of her Transformers movies.

American Airlines crew duct-taped a woman to her seat after she experienced an in-flight “mental health episode” and tried to open the jet’s door. The woman said she chose American because Spirit Airlines charges $49 for the tape.

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Trump attorney Jenna Ellis tested positive for COVID-19. They would have put her on a ventilator, but she’d put herself on one after exposure to Rudy Giuliani’s farts at the Michigan election hearing.

Nevada’s highest court rejected the Trump campaign’s effort to overturn the state’s presidential election results. Trump lost the court case, and the $100,000 he wagered at The Mirage that he’d win it.

Google Pixel phones now take screenshots almost instantly. Pornhub subscribers with Google Pixel phones have already used up all their onboard storage.

Venice, Italy was flooded as a newly-installed eight-billion-dollar system of dams failed to activate. Residents quickly turned to prayer, as hundreds were heard shouting “God, dam it”.

Nicolas Cage will appear in a new Netflix show exploring the history of swear words, including recent history, as Netflix subscribers rant that they’ve raised prices another two f**king dollars a month.

CBS is developing a ‘Silence of the Lambs‘ sequel series, ‘Clarice‘. Set in 1993, the drama follows FBI Agent Clarice Starling as she helps Buffalo Bill open a big-and-tall second skin boutique.

After an ethics review, France’s government authorized “bionic soldiers” outfitted with special prosthetics and cyber-implants, allowing them to assess battle conditions and determine the best way to surrender.

A shark attacked a 56-year-old amateur surfer in Maui, forcing organizers to postpone the Maui Pro surfing tournament in the same location. “No, really, you guys should have it now. I’m full” said the shark.

Russia is telling recipients of the government’s two-shot Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccine they need to abstain from alcohol for 42 days, because it’s an immunosuppressant. So far, Sputnik V shots trail Stolichnaya shots by 1 million-to-1.

Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is being reprimanded for only completing 15 of 500 community service hours from his tax evasion sentence. The court rejected his lawyer’s claims that “looking at Snooki” and “listening to Pauly D DJ” should count.

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A study from the University of Alberta claims a glass of red wine has the same effect on the body as an hour at the gym. So congrats to all the stay-at-home moms putting in their five hours every day.

Conservative cable network Newsmax said the channel will not rebrand as ‘Trump TV’, but Donald Trump may get a show – that’s 23 hours long.

Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced a three-week pause on in-person learning and in-person dining, and an eight week pause on caring about Detroit Lions games except for when you’re bored on Thanksgiving.

An Alaska Airlines jet struck and killed a brown bear during landing at Alaska’s Yakutat Airport – ending the career of the longest-tenured baggage handler at Yakutat Airport.

A Belgian racing pigeon sold for $1.9 million to a Chinese businessman. The businessman then paid another $750 for a new suit after the pigeon shit on his.

Walmart is hiring “Health Ambassadors” to remind customers to wear a mask as they enter the store. Walmart said they’re similar to traditional greeters, only they’ve been screened for how well they take a punch.

Mattel released new ‘Barbie Extra’ dolls. The Extras are new body types, hair colors and skin tones – but still no nipples or genitals.

Tiger Woods carded a 10 on a par-3 at the Masters. It’s his ugliest 10 since Elin Nordegren bashed his car after reading his text messages in 2009.

NASA’s Curiosity rover snapped a stunning selfie on Mars – then slipped & fell to its death in a crater.

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A mink on a Michigan farm tested positive for coronavirus. He decided to get tested because he felt really warm.

Unseeded Iga Swiatek won the women’s championship at the French Open tennis tournament. Asked what she was going do do next, she replied “Iga Disney World!”

Harold “Heshy” Tischler was jailed for inciting a riot as Orthodox Jews continue to protest New York City’s COVID-19 restrictions. Tischler becomes the first person arrested for excessive fist-shaking.

Two U.S. professors won the Nobel Prize in Economics for ‘improvements to auction theory and introduction of new auction formats’. Then they sold the prize on eBay.

Estee Lauder is sending 10 bottles of skin care serum to the International Space Station, and will auction one bottle for charity. The winner will be responsible for the winning bid, plus $3 million in shipping.

COVID-19 vaccine makers are paying people to take trial vaccines, with the plan to expose them to coronavirus in a controlled environment. Volunteers are signing up quickly, because so many want to see the inside of the White House.

Many cities are ditching Columbus Day and celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead. “Whatever” said a government worker sleeping in.

Tom Kennedy, longtime host of game show ‘Name That Tune’, passed away at age 93. The church organist will play two notes of Amazing Grace in his honor.

Many Twitter users are outraged that Israeli actress and Wonder Woman star Gal Gadot will portray Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt in an upcoming film. They demand the role go to an actress who’s Egyptian, Greek, or dead and wrapped in bandages.

Amazon debuted the first of 100,000 electric delivery vans it will deploy. The vans will help reduce harmful emissions as they carry stuff you’ll dump in a landfill in a couple years.