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Taco Bell is removing Mexican Pizza from their menu, as part of a broader strategy to eliminate oxymorons.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole Young is asking for $2 million per month in temporary spousal support during their divorce. She said she needs it to tide her over until the divorce is finalized and she gets $4 million a month.

Bill Belichick appears in a new ad for Subway sandwich shops. Meanwhile, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft asks a judge not to release the video he shot at an Asian place.

McDonald’s is naming a value meal after rapper Travis Scott. It’s a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, fries, Sprite, and a barbecue dipping sauce. And you eat it with a girl you’re seeing behind Kylie Jenner’s back.

The LPGA women’s golf tour is allowing caddies to use carts for bags at the tournament in Rancho Mirage, California, where temperatures could reach 110 degrees. They can also use the cart to carry their golfer to the medical tent after their heat stroke.

Mikal Smith, son of University of Illinois football coach Lovie Smith, was arrested on charges of being a pimp. Like his dad, he offers young men full rides, but they’re not exactly scholarships.

Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings is joining the show as a producer. Speculation is that he may take over for Alex Trebek, after they answer the question “What are…you paying me?”.

The FBI raided a Pennsylvania nursing home where hundreds caught coronavirus. “Put your hands up!” shouted agents. “I can’t!” said residents.

Two Beijing apartments owned by Jackie Chan have been seized and will be put up for auction. Chan and his family have reportedly been spun around, chopped, flipped, and finally kicked out.

A new study claims that 100 common drugs used to treat everything from colds to blood pressure carry a risk of memory problems. So don’t forget to take your pill – or, take your pill and forget.

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Microsoft announced they’re closing all 83 of their retail stores. Details are coming on a Black Screen Of Death sale.

Donald Trump retweeted a video from a Florida retirement community with a man in a golf cart yelling “white power”. Trump deleted the tweet, explaining the guy didn’t yell it loud enough.

Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee got new face tattoos – the largest being two Japanese kanji characters on his right cheek. He offered no explanation but they translate roughly to Maury Clue.

Navigation app Waze updated its logo and graphics, including “moods” that drivers can share, including “mad”, “sick”, “flying” and “oops I just rear-ended somebody while picking a mood”.

Saved By The Bell’s Dustin ‘Screech’ Diamond is behind $269,000 in payments on his house in Wisconsin, and Wells Fargo bank plans to foreclose. His costars rallied around him, pledging him all the royalties received from Zack Attack record sales and airplay.

The New England Patriots were fined $1.1 million and will forfeit a 2021 draft pick for illegally filming a Bengals/Browns game. The Patriots may appeal, saying having an employee watch a Bengals/Browns game was punishment enough.

Costco announced their bakery department will no longer sell $20 sheet cakes. They made the announcement by writing it in frosting on the top of a round cake.

60,000 pounds of chicken nuggets are being recalled because they may be contaminated with rubber. McDonald’s issued a statement saying none of their nuggets are affected, they just taste like it.

Scientists say they’ve used a single injection to edit genes in monkeys that put them at the greatest risk of heart disease. They were able to vaccinate the unhealthy monkeys after they fell asleep after drinking beer and eating french fries while watching NASCAR.

Pharma company Gilead said they’ll charge $3,120 for a single treatment of COVID-19 drug Remdesivir. But ask your pharmacist about a coupon where you can save $5.

 

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The University of Kentucky fired its cheerleading coaches after finding the squad engaged in hazing, excessive drinking and partial nudity at cheer events. The University President said “we’ve got to be. aggressive. be, be aggressive.”

Police arrested a GrubHub driver for running over the owner of a restaurant who demanded that he socially distance. The driver contends he was just trying to knock the victim six feet away.

A Los Angeles company is selling women’s underwear with names like ‘Cuomo’ & ‘Fauci’ printed near the crotch. “Well, I’m out” said potential sex partners of women wearing the underwear.

Usain Bolt’s girlfriend, Kasi Bennett, gave birth to their daughter, who posted a disappointingly slow time sprinting out of the birth canal.

Massage parlors in Pinellas County, Florida are allowed to reopen. The milestone was celebrated with a flyover – and landing – from the New England Patriots team jet.

Tattoo parlors in Pinellas County were also allowed to reopen. Florida men & women waited in long lines to get face tattoos of masks.

European budget airline Ryanair has new rules for passengers during the pandemic, including raising your hand to go to the bathroom. In the U.S., Spirit Airlines also asks passengers to raise their hand, so the flight attendant can collect your “bathroom bag”.

The U.S. Treasury Department is sending out 4 million prepaid debit cards to Americans instead of stimulus checks, with a small number of Limited Edition Platinum cards for registered Republicans not on welfare.

Instagram is introducing “Guides” – a way for publishers to post longer form wellness tips. So far, however, most of the Guides are breathing exercises while you stare at women with large breasts and buttocks.

Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, ‘Very Cavallari’ is being cancelled due to her pending divorce. It’s being replaced with a show about a hot female Instagram model who runs errands for her ex-husband, ‘Cutler Butler’.

 

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Customers claim Instacart shoppers are stealing their groceries. Instacart executives say the best way to prevent theft is to not order cookies and potato chips.

Producers of Modern Family – which ended its decade-long run on Tuesday night – hinted at possible spin-off shows for its characters. So far the most likely characters to get their own show are Sofia Vergara’s breasts.

Google told employees they can’t use videoconferencing app Zoom on company-issued laptops anymore. Workers will need to use Google tools like Google Meet or Google Hangouts if they want to share below-the-neck nudes.

Tom Brady told Howard Stern during an interview that former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has an “amazing” penis, but that his balls are a little too taut for his liking.

Ellen Degeneres jokes that self-isolation is “like being in jail”. Some women inmates said she’s kinda right, since they, too, are “gay for the stay”.

Levi’s ‘Super Mario’-themed jeans go on sale today online. Just add the items to your cart, enter a payment method, and defeat Donkey Kong ten times.

Convenience store chain Wawa is donating use of a refrigerated truck for the state of New Jersey’s use as a temporary morgue. Families retrieving bodies can add a bag of chips for 99 cents.

The Unicode Consortium – overseers of emoji – announced no new emoji will be issued in 2021 because of the COVID-19 pandemic. People can still submit new emoji suggestions, but until then, keep the two oranges and eggplant ready in your ‘recently used’ tab.

Yelp! laid off 1,000 employees, leading to Yelp! collapsing in on itself as the target of hundreds of scathing Yelp! reviews.

Walmart’s grocery shopping app achieved a record number of downloads. The bad news is that orange soda and Cheetos are still backordered until Halloween.

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6.6 million people filed for unemployment benefits last week. Another 60 million are frantically closing and reopening their web browsers.

A New England Patriots team jet returned from China carrying over 1 million N95 masks, and 100 massage therapists.

Some health experts believe one in three people infected with coronavirus are getting a false negative test result – mostly women who are peeing on the test swab.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is allowing church services to continue in the state, calling them ‘essential’. Pastors are picking up some extra money hosting wet t-shirt contests in Daytona Beach.

Researchers in the Netherlands say they can detect a rise in coronavirus cases by testing human waste. They can also detect that people really like to pass the time in quarantine eating peanut M&Ms.

Takhini Hot Pools in Canada’s Yukon territory shared photos of the winners of their Hair Freezing Contest – where entrants soak in a hot tub, then let their hair freeze in the frigid air above it. For legal reasons, the only pictures shared were of above-the-waist winners.

LSU head football coach Ed Orgeron filed for divorce from his wife, Kelly. Kelly then filed documents with the NCAA to transfer to another football coach.

’90 Day Fiance’ star Jorge Nava – jailed in 2018 for illegally possessing over 100 pounds of marijuana – plans to divorce wife Anfisa Arkhipchenko when he’s released in May. Nava said he’s spent time in prison losing weight, and trying to spell his wife’s name right on divorce papers.

College students are petitioning their schools to change from traditional letter grading to a Pass/Fail system. Or, in New York & New Jersey schools, to Live/Die.

Pennsylvania reopened online liquor sales through its state-owned stores, causing the site to promptly crash. They plan to restart it, accepting payment from credit cards or direct deduction from stimulus checks.

 

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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

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Two members of rock band Journey were fired, accused of using a holding company to gain control of the Journey name & trademark for financial gain. In other news, the name & trademark for Dexy’s Midnight Runners sold for $4.59 on eBay.

According to the Boston Herald, a phone call between New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady “did not go well”. Presumably, when Brady found out three different people were recording it.

Retired NHL tough guy Matthew Barnaby, formerly of the Buffalo Sabres, was arrested in Nashvillle for allegedly choking the bouncer at a bar. Barnaby was taken to a hospital when he jumped out of the moving squad car after five minutes.

Katy Perry officially announced she’s expecting a baby with fiancee Orlando Bloom. Perry tweeted “omg so glad I don’t have to suck it in anymore”.  Bloom replied “wait..what?”.

Donald Trump told Sean Hannity he thinks it’s okay if people with coronavirus continue to go to work, but only after they watch five hours of tv in the morning and eat a hearty hamburger or fried chicken lunch.

Starbucks is suspending customers’ using their own mug or tumbler to be filled with coffee drinks, citing coronavirus concerns. So now, expect the person ahead of you to punctuate their pretentious 60-second order with an equally long argument.

Ryan Seacrest of ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’ revealed part of his preshow routine is to not make eye contact with co-host Kelly Ripa. Husbands of their biggest fans say it’s just like their weekday routine of never making eye contact with the show.

In a meeting with airline executives about coronavirus plans, Donald Trump claimed he hadn’t touched his own face in weeks. He added that he’s fine not touching his face as long as he can pick his nose and teeth.

The makers of Tito’s vodka warned it can’t be used in homemade hand sanitizer because it’s only 40% alcohol. The makers of Bankers Club vodka say they actually prefer you using it as hand sanitizer instead of drinking it.

Target employees claim they’ve received no communication from senior management about how to handle the coronavirus. Walmart employees say they’ve been told to keep coughing on customers and napping as usual.

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A guest at Walt Disney World shared video of smoke pouring from the entrance to the PeopleMover ride – next to where Huey, Dewey & Louie stood red-eyed & coughing as they passed something behind their backs.

Rod Stewart allegedly punched a security guard at a private New Year’s Eve party in Palm Beach, Florida. A court date was set for early February. Stewart, through a spokesman, said “If you want my body, and you think I’m guilty, come on let me know.”

U-Haul said it won’t hire nicotine users in the 21 states where it’s legal to do so. They say they only want the healthiest workers renting oversized, heavy trucks to inexperienced drivers who crash them.

Samsung was rumored to be working on a project called ‘Neon’ – believed to be an “artificial human” – but which, on closer inspection, turned out to just be a really quiet Korean guy.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick refused to answer questions about his team’s future following their season-ending defeat, saying he can’t do so until video assistants give him information about other teams’ futures.

A Japanese businessman paid $1.8 million for a 612-pound bluefin tuna, then set a world record for giving the largest number of people bad breath.

Ahead of Marvel Studios summer blockbuster ‘Black Widow’, comic book website CBR listed Black Widow’s superpowers. They include super intelligence, super healing, super lifespan, and the super ability to get a movie made about the most boring Avenger.

Walmart plans to grow business by offering more upscale alcohol options in stores. The biggest challenge is convincing high-end wine and liquor makers to put their products in jugs with NASCAR logos on them.

Following the airstrike that killed Qassem Soleimani, a man eulogizing the Iranian leader offered an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump. Eric & Don Jr. promptly invited their Dad on a rhino hunting trip, with a 24-hour layover in Tehran on the way home.

Keep Labs won an innovation award at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show for a product that locks up cannabis products to keep them safe and fresh. It opens via fingerprint recognition, because most users are too baked to remember combinations.

Also at the Consumer Electronics Show, the Consumer Technology Association is permitting the display of, and awards for, sex toys. Or, as they’re known outside of Las Vegas, prostitutes.

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Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.

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Google is reportedly working on a “Personal Safety App” with that detects when a user is in a car crash and calls 911, but only after asking the user if they’ve finished texting.

Apple Maps announced a slew of upgrades to compete with its chief rival, Google Maps. Among the new Apple Maps upgrades — accurate maps.

Following Monday night’s performance on Dancing With The Stars, a majority of Americans and all judges favor Sean Spicer’s impeachment.

Ray Lewis withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, citing injures to tendons in his feet, and after being told he can’t eliminate competitors with knives outside of a club.

Two Buffalo Bills fans were married on the field at halftime of Sunday’s 16-10 loss to the New England Patriots. Their vows were amended to read “in sickness, for poorer, til death without a playoff victory.”

President Trump shared a poll from Breitbart that showed him with a 97.83% approval rating. EMTs were dispatched to the homes of the 2.17% for checks on their well-being.

Actress Ruby Rose said she underwent emergency neck surgery after doing stunts on her new ‘Batwoman’ tv show, although producers are reportedly angry she didn’t just fix it herself with items from her utility belt.

A vendor is accused of charging $724 to a fan’s credit card for two beers at the Miami Dolphins game. The fan was immediately notified by his credit card company, and was grateful for the time he forgot he was at a Miami Dolphins game.

Pennsylvania companies Yeungling and Hershey’s teamed up to launch Yeungling Hershey’s Chocolate Porter, a brewed alcoholic beverage that the companies call the perfect way to introduce kids to excessive drinking during Eagles and Steelers games.

Some providers of pet insurance are providing discounts for owners who put fitness trackers on their pets, citing the high level of calories that dogs can burn each day licking their own balls.