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President Biden will form a task force to reunite immigrant families separated at the Southern Border, then he’ll sign an Executive Order requiring them to use the Buddy System.

Dolly Parton turned down two offers from former President Donald Trump to award her the Presidential Medal of Freedom – one to present the medal, and another to retrieve it after it slipped between her breasts.

A couple was ejected from their courtside seats at the Atlanta Hawks/Los Angeles Lakers game following an argument with Lebron James. The Hawks had no issue with removing the fans, but filed a grievance for James being awarded two free throws.

A 41-year-old ‘peeping tom’ was arrested after falling through the ceiling of the ladies locker room of a Virginia gym. The suspect said he fell while scrambling to get out before the senior ladies aquacize class ended.

Uber is acquiring alcohol delivery service Drizly for $1.1 billion – so now you can pair your Uber Eats delivery with a half-empty bottle of liquor.

‘The Bachelor‘ Matt James removed contestant Anna Redman from the show for spreading rumors about other women. James said he wanted to create a ‘safe space’ in the Bachelorette house for the dozens of women banging him.

Atlanta rapper Silento, best known for ‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’, is charged with the shooting murder of his cousin. He’s scheduled to appear in court and is expected to plead Nae Guilty.

McDonald’s is bringing back the Shamrock Shake on February 15th. For the next two weeks workers will be trained to treat customers whose lungs collapse trying to suck it through a straw.

Scientists studying fossilized teeth claim Neanderthals and humans lived among each other and had sex over 40,000 years ago. They cited common traits of the respective teeth, and bite marks on humans’ shoulders when things got a little crazy.

Canadian Mike Jack set the Guinness World Record for speed-eating three Carolina Reaper peppers in 9.72 seconds on his 12th attempt. Jack also holds the world record for the most rectum-replacement surgeries.

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Snopes disproved the story that Alabama man Kevin Greeson died at the January 6th DC riots of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles. Greeson did die of a heart attack, and medics unsuccessfully tried to revive him by tasering his nuts.

Hallmark Corporation requested the return of their campaign donations to Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, in the form of an eight-line poem in a card with To Our Special Little Boy on the front of it.

Other large corporations, including Blue Cross, Marriott, and several banks, have halted donations to Republicans. The GOP already asked the My Pillow guy to make up for it, but he’s committed to spending a million ad dollars a day on MeTV.

The NFL Philadelphia Eagles fired head coach Doug Pederson, less than three years after he led the team to its only Super Bowl victory. Local media penned multiple scathing articles condemning the move, starting with the phrase “not for nothin’..”.

The World Health Organization claims COVID-19 herd immunity won’t happen until 2022, but that death immunity will continue to grow in the meantime.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cancelled an appearance in Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Asked multiple times for comment on why, Belichick said “I’m just focused on the Dolphins” again and again.

Jacob Anthony Chansley – the horn & fur wearing QAnon Shaman from the January 6th riots – is refusing prison food because it isn’t organic. Chansley reportedly told his mother he’s worried about being sentenced to death by force-feeding Hot Pockets.

Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots both rose over the $500 million mark. Experts say odds of winning are about the same as getting a COVID vaccine before Memorial Day.

Donald Trump is reportedly “gutted” that the PGA Tour pulled the 2022 PGA Championship from Trump National golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and “furious” that they awarded it to Joe & Kamala’s Pitch n Putt in Bear, Delaware.

University of Michigan extended the contract of head football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying in a statement they’re proud to continue losing to Ohio State until 2026.

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Amazon updated Ring doorbell software so you can request that video not be shared with police departments. You can also refuse a request from neighborhood punks for video of you stomping out a flaming bag of dog poop with your new wingtips.

Golf Monthly released its list of Best Drivers for 2020. Categories include Distance, Game Improvement, and Easiest To Snap Over Your Thigh.

An elementary school fundraiser had to pay $250 of their proceeds to Disney because they collected donations before playing a DVD of The Lion King. The money was collected by a leather-jacketed Mickey Mouse holding a 3rd grader against a brick wall.

The Presidential Medal of Freedom was given to Rush Limbaugh, who announced he has advanced lung cancer, which means Trump will be able to take his medal back pretty soon.

“Yes, I’ll continue to hold” said Bernie Sanders after 30 straight hours on hold with the Iowa Democratic Party I/T Help Desk.

A man dragging 99 smartphones in a red toy wagon tricked Google Maps into thinking he was creating huge traffic jams. He also created several road rage fistfights among Big Wheel-driving toddlers while he blocked the sidewalk.

A cannabis company co-founded by Whoopi Goldberg, which marketed medical marijuana to women dealing with menstrual pain, is shutting down. She’s starting a new medical marijuana company for women dealing with menopausal boredom.

Google will sell its augmented reality headset, Google Glass Enterprise Edition 2 for $999. However, it comes with a warning to cash-rich nerds that you still won’t be able to see through women’s clothing.

To replace a young boy’s teddy bear lost on a flight over the Thanksgiving holiday, Southwest Airlines replaced it with a new teddy bear dressed like a Southwest employee. The bear tells lousy jokes, gets union-mandated breaks every two hours, and tells the boy he needs to lose weight if he wants to fly Southwest again.

The mother of a six-year-old daughter named Alexa wrote a letter to Jeff Bezos, saying her child’s life has been ruined by jokes about the digital assistant. Bezos responded with a recommendation that the woman start calling her kid something different, like Toots.

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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”