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New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement. Gronkowski said he intends to start a think tank, then corrected himself and said he thinks he’ll get tanked.

People with mental health issues are three times more likely to have crippling debt, according to new research conducted by their $200-an-hour shrinks.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller completed his investigation, finding no cooperation between the 2016 Trump presidential campaign and Russia. Russia agreed, saying their work would have been too hard if they had to keep explaining what they were doing to members of the Trump family.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft issued a public apology for the sex at a Florida massage parlor to which he’s plead not guilty, — so who knows what, exactly, he’s apologizing for.

  • Florida police say they have video of Kraft performing a sex act with a massage parlor worker, having installed hidden cameras after attending a how-to seminar run by the New England Patriots video staff.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes, crediting the use of fertility drugs and the world’s first delivery room slip n’ slide.

Nikki Bella is retiring from the WWE, saying her body just can’t handle the punishment anymore. Bella had thought her body would recover once she stopped having sex with John Cena.

A drunk American Airlines passenger was arrested for urinating on a woman’s luggage during a Chicago-to-Charlotte flight. Fellow passengers were disgusted, but impressed with the stream that easily reached the overhead bin.

Ethiopia Airlines CEO said the pilots involved in the fatal crash of a Boeing 737 MAX 8 jet received the proper training. He didn’t say they passed it, but they got it.

Jordan Peele’s new horror film ‘Us’ debuted to $70.3 million in U.S. ticket sales, including $25 from two white ‘bro’s going out of their way to tell you how much it sucked.

Researchers reviewing the grade point averages of Florida school students found children born in September were the smartest. The study was completed over the course of several years as researchers tracked down enough Florida students that finished school.

 

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A new type of malware was discovered that steals screenshots and other information off computers, based on code buried in memes posted to Twitter. The malware authors have already claimed the inaugural Nobel Prize in Social Media, for deterring dopes from posting more hackneyed Twitter memes.

Police and hackers discovered they can use 3D-printed replicas of someone’s head & face to unlock a smartphone. ISIS & Al Qaeda responded by requiring all their terrorists to wear sunglasses on Team Picture Day.

A California woman said Southwest Airlines made her surrender her pet beta fish before a flight, and that she had to give the fish to a stranger since the airline wouldn’t hold it. The woman said she had no idea where the fish ended up, but a guy using an airport toilet has a pretty good idea.

94301, Palo Alto, California is the U.S.’ most expensive zip code. based on a study by 24/7 Wall Street.  The least expensive zip code is Five Blanks, Mississippi, which is too poor to send or receive mail.

The state of California ended its plan to generate revenue by taxing text messages. California’s Department of Revenue announced the decision with this : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

According to a study posted in journal JAMA Pediatrics, children in Florida schools getting report cards on Friday showed a fourfold increase in incidents of domestic abuse on Saturday. Children in states with better schools knew enough to hide their lousy report cards until Monday.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly still interested in interviewing President Trump as part of the Russia probe. He’s so serious, he bought a long blonde wig & a tight dress and sent an audition tape to Fox News.

Ex-CBS CEO Les Moonves will not receive the $140 million severance stipulated in his contract, since a CBS investigation found numerous instances of both sexual misconduct – harassing women .. and professional misconduct – green-lighting ‘God Friended Me’.

According to the U.S. Postal Service, today is the last day to mail your b.s. Christmas letter in time to have friends & family members roll their eyes reading it before December 25th.

Alfonso Ribeiro is suing Epic Games and 2K Sports for copying his Fresh Prince of Bel Air ‘Carlton Dance’ in their Fortnite and NBA 2K games. Ribeiro states that he’s in the process of copyrighting the Carlton Dance, and also copyrighting the idea of a black guy being an uptight white loser.

 

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller was photographed getting Genius Bar support for his MacBook at an Apple Store in Washington, D.C. President Trump appointed the Genius Bar employee to a high-level Cabinet position.

McDonald’s says that it’s removed all artificial ingredients from its burgers — leading many curious customers to buy a Big Mac just to see what’s left of it.

The Federal Reserve raised interest rates for the third time this year. This angered President Trump, until someone told him it means he earns an extra twenty-five cents a month in his Christmas Club savings account.

Students at U.K.’s Bristol University raised money to send a custodian, Herman Gordon, on a vacation to his home country of Jamaica – the first true vacation he’s had in more than 11 years. Gordon said he plans to get a job in Jamaica and never return.

Amazon is opening its first-ever store that only sells products with 4-star and higher customer ratings. Customers can ask Alexa where to find stuff, but Alexa isn’t there because so many frustrated grandparents gave her 1-star reviews.

Disney released a line of Disney Princess-themed baking sets, so that young princesses can throw them at their moms when they want them to make cookies.

Emma Coronel, wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, threw a lavish Barbie-themed birthday party in Mexico for their twin daughters 7th birthday.  Guests were treated to carnival rides, and each got to take a deflated balloon for a group trip to Texas.

A man was arrested at Dublin Airport after missing his flight to Amsterdam, breaking through the door of the boarding gate, and chasing the plane as it taxied away – delighting the person watching from inside the aircraft next to his empty seat.

AAA’s Foundation for Traffic Safety reports that drivers don’t understand the limitations of new vehicle safety features such as automatic emergency braking. and adaptive cruise control. Those who have the features have mixed opinions, with many saying it makes applying makeup more difficult.

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo, believed to be extinct, has reemerged and been spotted for the first time in 90 years. The Wondiwoi is extremely muscular and lives primarily in the treetops of New Guinea’s bamboo forests. Researchers making contact with the Wondiwoi asked where it had been, and the kangaroo replied “waiting for a f***ing ladder.”

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A woman gave birth to a baby daughter in the rest room of a San Antonio, Texas Chick-fil-A.  The baby gets free food for life and a guaranteed job at age 14.  The restaurant has a job opening now, however, since an employee just quit rather than clean the bathroom.

An investigation by the Chinese government found that a drug company, Changchun Changseng, had provided faulty vaccines given to thousands of children.  The government launched the investigation after finding syringes with the vaccine containing fortunes and lottery numbers.

The 150th Anniversary of the founding of the Golden Retriever breed was marked in the Scottish Highlands with a gathering of hundreds of the popular dogs.  The dogs looked to be having a great time, although one dog leaving the festivities said he couldn’t wait to sniff something other than another dog’s butt.

A Memphis man is under arrest for stealing a woman’s car while they were on a date, then using the car to take a different woman to a date at a drive-in movie. The car was returned to its owner, who is sure her back seat didn’t look like that before.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team reportedly wants to talk to the former ‘Manhattan Madam’ Kristin Davis. Davis was convicted of running a prostitution ring in the wake of investigations into former New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. No word on why Mueller wants to talk to her, other than his team has been working some long, lonely hours.

New research states that infants’ waking hours may resemble a dream-like state or a psychedelic trip. Giulio Tononi of the University of Wisconsin published the study; he said that in his dreams and psychedelic trips he sees a lot of bare women’s breasts.

Genevieve Pascolla, a passenger on a United flight from London to Chicago, said that after she was reseated on her flight because the man in the adjacent seat was masturbating, the flight attendants made jokes. United refused her request for a refund but said they’ll no longer publish a swimsuit issue of their in-flight magazine.

Khloe Kardashian apologized for using the ‘r-word’ toward her sister Kourtney while they shared live video on Instagram. “Are you f***ing retarded?” Khloe asked Kourtney. While Khloe did say she was sorry, dozens of Kardashians’ followers on Instagram are waiting for Kourtney to answer the question.

A human cannonball at a circus in Chile was seriously injured when he shot far over his safety net and landed on the ground, breaking his chin and knees. The circus is halting the act until they can find a much, much heavier cannonball.

A New York Times article reports that merchants in Melania Trump’s hometown of Sevnica, Slovenia sell souvenir Melania salami — although they admit she likes the smaller American kind better.

 

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Fitbit added menstrual cycle tracking to its devices, which means they’ll wait and tell women how many steps they’ve taken once they’re in a better mood.

A filmmaker was killed by a giraffe while working on a project in South Africa. After a tense standoff, the giraffe dropped its AR-15 and surrendered to authorities.

Special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly rejected a request by President Trump’s legal team to answer his questions in the Russia investigation ‘in writing’. Mueller ruled out the take-home test after finding out Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani had purchased a Teachers Edition of “Intro to Treason” on eBay.

First Lady Melania Trump introduced her new program for children’s health, ‘Be Best’. The platform has a three-fold focus: healthy living; positive use of social media; and combating opioid abuse. President Trump attended the press conference while eating Big Macs, tweeting insults at Robert Mueller and hitting up Ronny Jackson for some Oxy.

Melania has been accused of copying Michelle Obama in crafting ‘Be Best’, including modifying Obama’s ‘Be Better’ message and issuing a pamphlet about online behavior that was copied from the Obama-era FTC. Melania denied the allegations while wearing blackface, a black wig and an affordable J Crew dress.

A California judge upheld a ruling that coffee sold in the state must carry a cancer warning. Starbucks scrambled to add “Consuming this beverage may increase risk of venti half-caf soy double-shot no-whip cappucinonoma.”

Executives from Google, Amazon & Facebook visit Washington on Thursday to discuss the future of artificial intelligence — with White House staff who represent the present state of no human intelligence.

Flight attendants speaking with publication Who What Wear shared what men and women should wear when flying to increase their chance of a first class upgrade: “anything but Crocs.”

The IAAF, governing body for track & field, may rule that South African woman sprinter Caster Semenya may be barred from competing due to her high levels of naturally-occurring testosterone, and because her balls keep snagging on the high hurdles.

A crocodile tore off the arm of a bride-to-be as she kayaked with her fiance eight days before her wedding in Zimbabwe. She was rescued, the wedding took place on schedule, and the bride tossed her arm to single women gathered at the reception, hoping they’d catch it and be next to marry.

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A Utah high-school girl who wore a traditional cheongsam – a Chinese formal dress – to her prom, received backlash on Twitter for ‘cultural appropriation’ from some people of Chinese descent. They argue the cheongsam is only for Chinese women to wear for special occasions, or in Asian porno movies not set in a massage parlor.

Facebook will soon offer a dating service. They’ll also offer a gay dating service, Penisbook.

Facebook also announced a new “Clear History” button to remove digital traces of apps and sites that you’ve clicked in the past. So Congratulations! – for all anyone knows, you’re not a racist or pervert anymore!

Donald Trump’s former personal physician, Dr. Harold Bernstein, claims that Trump’s one-time bodyguard, Keith Schiller, raided his office in February, 2017 and took Trump’s medical files. Bernstein commented to NBC News that he felt “raped” – and that he should know rape, since he was once Ivana Trump’s doctor, too.

The New York Times published a list of 49 questions allegedly compiled by Special Counsel Robert Mueller that would be asked to President Trump. Trump condemned the leak of the question list, and the fact that they didn’t come with multiple-choice answers.

CNN reports that over 100 Uber drivers have been accused of sexual assault. Worse, the drivers plan to use the “They got where they were going, didn’t they?” defense.

Wall Street is worried about slowing demand for the iPhone, due to Apple’s reported cancellation of iPhone component orders. Apple has reportedly laid off so many factory workers, 7th grade classrooms in China now have waiting lists to get in.

‘Mean Girls’ and ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ top the list of Tony Award nominees, with 12 each. “Where else are you going to see quality entertainment like this?” asked Broadway producers who haven’t heard of basic cable.

The U.S. will return 3,000 ancient artifacts to Iraq that were smuggled into the U.S. under false identification and shipped to Hobby Lobby stores. They’ll also send 3,000 basket making kits because Hobby Lobby wants the Iraqis to have some good family fun.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Goop’ released The Sex Issue – a guide to erotic pleasure for couples. Paltrow advises that couples share a copy and pass their Goop back & forth.

 

 

 

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Officers at The Vatican arrested and incarcerated Monsignor Carlo Capella on charges he uploaded and viewed child pornography. The Vatican charged him with hogging the computer while other clergy were waiting to do the same.

73-year-old former NFL and NCAA head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Head Coach of the Orlando team in the new Alliance of American Football. He’s expected to start work just as soon as he clears the league’s Dementia Protocol.

The Alliance of American Football is scheduled to begin play the week after the 2019 NFL Super Bowl with eight teams. It’s intended as an alternate league for pro football players to build or extend careers, and as an elaborate ruse so Donald Trump will quit his job to own a football team again.

The remaining seven Alliance of American Football teams have yet to be announced, but league officials will make the home cities public just as soon as they register with their respective bankruptcy courts.

A White House official told CNN that President Trump has begun early preparations for a potential interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. The preparations involve Trump identifying basic shapes and colors so that he can become reacquainted with actually telling the truth.

An Oklahoma mom posted that she’s “embarrassed” that her seven-year-old daughter’s textbook is the same one used by country superstar Blake Shelton in 1982. Shelton’s name was hand-printed on the inside front cover, and his high school senior year book report on it was tucked inside the back cover.

Singer Demi Lovato posted Instagram pictures of her stretch marks, extra fat and cellulite.  She shared the photos to show fans that she still loves her body even though it isn’t perfect.  In return, she was thanked by thousands of male creeps.

Conor McGregor was stripped of his UFC Lightweight Championship after McGregor threw a hand truck through a UFC bus window. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor assault. The charges are a heavy betting favorite to win.

With McGregor out, the new undisputed UFC Lightweight Champion is Khabib Nurmagomedov – also from Ireland.

Facebook is planning to inform users if they were among the 87 million whose data was illegally obtained by Cambridge Analytica – leading to an estimated 50 million new Likes for Cambridge Analytica.

During a concert by singer Andrea Bocelli, the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra in Pisa, Italy was conducted by a robot. Between songs, orchestra members took turns olive-oiling it.

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The New York Times reports that President Trump wanted to fire Special Investigator Robert Mueller last June but was talked out of it, by White House Senior Counsel Stormy Daniels.

‘Fire And Fury’ author Michael Wolff is allegedly behind a new rumor linking President Trump in a sexual affair with U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley. Rumors were fueled by recent refills of Cialis with the Presidential seal shipped to the U.N., and Secret Service carrying supersoakers full of lubricant.

President Trump is ordering a 20% tariff on imported washing machines, which is what he calls Haitians.

A new study of Australian teenagers in journal Lancet Public Health claims that parents who provide alcohol to underage teens may increase their alcohol-related risks later in life, but the underage drinking teens will make an above-average Manhattan.

Former tv star Adam Hicks, of the Disney sitcom Zeke and Luther, was arrested along with an accomplice and charged with four armed robberies of pedestrians in Burbank California. Hicks was held on $350,000 bail and is scheduled to receive the coveted Dana Plato Child Actor Lifetime Achievement Award.

2017 Oscar winner Casey Affleck has backed out of presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar, saying none of them are all that hot, anyway.

Actress Brie Larson was photographed in costume on the set of the upcoming Captain Marvel film. Website The Nerdist wrote that “her costume isn’t quite what we expected” since it’s shades of green instead of blue, red & gold. That’s right, in 2018, even female superheroes can get blasted by geeks for their outfit choice.

Apple previewed upcoming iOS release 11.3, which will feature new Animojis, battery-management tools and updates to Apple Pay. The system will be available for download in the spring, and you’ll be able to use it by the end of summer.

Fistfights and riots broke out at locations of the French supermarket chain Intermarche, as shoppers battled to get containers of Nutella at a 70% discount. In several instances, French police were called to dispense wine and cigarettes to get everyone to calm down.

Zero-commission stock trading app Robinhood added zero-fee cryptocurrency trading, making it easier for people with smartphones to buy and sell something that they know absolutely nothing about.

A new startup, Cargo, raised millions in funding for its product – which allows Uber drivers to sell snacks and essentials to passengers, and for passengers to sell deodorant to drivers.

 

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A Russian research team unearthed the fossilized remains of a 10-ton, 17-foot-long sea cow on a Siberian beach. Experts believe the sea cow wanted to spend time at the beach, but needed to go to Siberia to avoid crowds & body-shaming.

Thanksgiving night fights forced officials to shut down the Riverchase Galleria Mall in Birmingham, Alabama, as fathers of teenage girls sought to protect them from Roy Moore.

GOBankingRates released a list of the 15 most affordable states for Millennials to buy homes. Topping the list? West Virginia – where it’s estimated that a home can be bought after just two-and-a-half years of selling meth.

DamToys is selling a 12-inch Steve Jobs figurine for nearly $200. It berates other nearby action figures and comes with 10 accessories, none of which is a daughter that the figurine refuses to acknowledge.

President Trump tweeted on Friday that he was heading to Trump National Golf Club to “play golf (quickly) with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson.” ‘Quickly’ means he’ll quit when they won’t let him win.

A Swedish power plant near Stockholm that uses recycled materials as fuel is burning unsold clothing from fast-fashion chain H&M; the company that owns the plant is hiring hundreds of mean girls to follow classmates around telling them to ‘burn that outfit’.

Following a second accuser’s claim that he grabbed her buttocks during a photo at the Minnesota State Fair, Senator Al Franken issued a new apology, and verified that he’s banned from the livestock exhibit at this year’s fair.

Oprah Winfrey shared her lavish Thanksgiving dinner spread on Instagram, including four 22-pound turkeys for her and her guests. Winfrey, a Weight Watchers spokesperson, declined to say how many Weight Watchers points she consumed, but was photographed with her food diary and a scientific calculator.

Michael Flynn is no longer sharing information regarding the Russia investigation with President Trump’s lawyers, leading observers to believe Special Investigator Robert Mueller has “flipped” Mueller to testify against The President. Sensing an opportunity, Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let Flynn use his Safe House.

Duchess Kate Middleton – pregnant with her third child – went off-roading with her husband, Prince William, at the Jaguar/Land Rover factory in England. “Off-roading” in this case meaning using Parent With Toddler parking instead of valet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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During Melania Trump’s visit to Tokyo, she will be protected by an all-female security unit, which is what they’re calling the women who work at Gucci.

Dame Judi Dench said in an interview with Britain’s Sky News that she feels ’emotionally torn’ by the rampant Hollywood sexual misconduct allegations, and ‘physically left out of them’.

BMW is recalling one million vehicles to address a fire risk. The U.S. Postal Service is calling it 2017’s largest Mass Mailing To Huge Douchebags, surpassing invitations to the Presidential Inaugural Ball.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan trumpeted the simplicity of the proposed GOP Tax Plan revisions, saying 95% of Americans could file their tax return on a postcard, leaving most Americans wondering how to send a postcard from their computer.

The University of Notre Dame said they will no longer cover birth control for students and staff. The move is expected to have no impact on the football and basketball teams, who are neither.

  • If you think they’re Fighting Irish now, wait’ll you see the arguments over who should use protection.

Finnish airline Finnair is asking passengers to volunteer to be weighed along with their luggage prior to boarding. The airline said they’re trying to validate their estimates of a jet’s total weight. They’re also trying to placate passengers whose bags they lose that they’ve lost 40 pounds!

A screenwriter and actress have both accused Dustin Hoffman of sexual harassment. “Mr Hoffman, are you trying to seduce me?” they said.

Users of the new iPhone 8 are saying that a ‘discreet calling’ feature allowing for stealth help calls by users in danger is causing frequent, accidental 911 calls. Exasperated 911 operators are also saying that while iPhone users have them on the line, they ask how to change their settings.

Dealing with his own allegations of sexual misconduct, Jeremy Piven returned to the set of CBS drama Wisdom Of The Crowd. Piven denied the allegations, and believes they’ll be overshadowed by the announcement of his show being cancelled in two weeks.

President Trump told a local radio show that he’d “love to get involved” with the Department of Justice, even though he’s not supposed to. Said Justice Department-appointed special counsel Robert Mueller “Then I have some great news for him!”

President Trump’s personal Twitter account was taken down for 11 minutes on Thursday. Twitter explained that it was done by a contract worker on their last day there. The contractor awoke Friday to an inbox filled with more job offers than they know what to do with.