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Sarah Palin is entered in today’s special election in Alaska. Palin admits that she doesn’t understand the state’s new ranked-choice voting system, but hopes for enough support to make it to the Hollywood rounds of American Idol.

The Flash star Ezra Miller apologized for his recent behavior, including an arrest for felony burglary and assault allegations. Miller claims to be dealing with complex mental health issues and entered treatment, which he expects to complete in a fraction of a second.

An 88-year-old South Carolina woman living in a gated senior living community died after falling in to a pond. Unfortunately for her, the pond was a senior living community for alligators.

Christopher Lowe, director of the Shark Lab at Cal State Long Beach said “swimmers are bitten, but rarely consumed [by sharks] – proving humans are not on their menu”. That, or sharks just prefer a lower-fat diet.

The U.S. Government cancelled $3.6 billion in student loan debt accrued by former students of the now-defunct ITT Technical Institute. Average credit scores soared 20 points for Burger King employees.

A metal object from an aircraft fell from the sky and landed near the Maine State Capitol. It was identified based on writing scribbled on a piece of duct tape reading ‘Property Of Spirit Airlines’.

The World Health Organization is holding an open forum to rename monkeypox because of concerns the current name is derogatory or have racist connotations. Newly suggested names are Washington Virus Team and Cleveland Guardians.

A dog contracted monkeypox in the first known human-to-pet transmission. The dog reportedly slept in a bed with two infected men; the dog insists it slept-slept, not the other thing.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences apologized to Native American Sacheen Littlefeather for abuse she endured when appearing to refuse Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar for The Godfather on his behalf. Then they screwed up again when the apology included a peace pipe.

Tiger Woods is flying to Wilmington Delaware, site of the PGA Tour’s BMW Championship, to strategize how the PGA should handle player defections to the Saudi-backed LIV Tour. The visit was confirmed by a memo distributed to Wilmington-area hostesses at Perkins and TGI Fridays restaurants.

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Miami Beach declared a State Of Emergency following a wave of Spring Break violence. Police continue to monitor a crisis at the MTV Beach House where Vanilla Ice and Color Me Badd have so far refused to release hostages.

Indiana’s GOP Governor Mike Holcomb vetoed a bill banning transgender athletes from school sports – which has nothing to do with his daughter being one home run away from her school’s softball season record.

The body of a man missing for 10 years was found in the freezer of an abandoned London pub. Anyone who ordered the Shepherds Pie in 2012 is advised to get checked out.

Video shows a preschool teacher leading 4-year-olds in an anti-Joe Biden chant – followed by several of the kids complaining that they’re not learning anything in Ms. Palin’s class.

A tornado touched down at a Walmart in Texas. As employees and shoppers ran for cover, the tornado looted several big-screen TVs.

IQAir, a company tracking global air quality, ranked Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands & French New Caledonia as the best. The worst are India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and the ladies room of The View.

Kylie Jenner announced her new son with Travis Scott is no longer named Wolf, because it didn’t feel like it suited him, and because it’s too difficult to spell.

The District Of Columbia sued Grubhub for “deceptive trade practices”, such as excessive fees, and promising food would arrive hot and free of spit.

Over 100,000 Android phone users have been hacked by a Facebook-password-stealing app Craftsart Cartoon Photo Tools. The app turns your pics into a cartoon of you complaining that your nudes just got sent to all of your Facebook friends.

David Rush broke the Guinness World Record by ‘fist-bumping’ 152 people in a minute – a feat made more impressive because many participants kept forgetting and tried shaking his hand instead.

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The 1990s murder-for-hire of a New Jersey woman by her husband – the leader of a synagogue – has been made into a musical A Wicked Soul In Cherry Hill, upsetting the Jewish community. The play’s original title was Can’t Rabbi Me Love.

United Airlines said no passengers were hurt when a jet landing at Washington DC’s Reagan Airport blew out two tires. Although passengers were angry when AAA said they’d take two hours to arrive and fix it.

Sarah Palin lost her defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Things didn’t look good when the jury sent the judge a note asking if it was possible to defame an imbecile.

Prince Andrew reached an out-of-court financial settlement in a sexual assault case brought by a woman who met him through Jeffrey Epstein when she was underage. Amounts were not disclosed, but it’s believed to equal the cost of lots of massages.

Gymnast Simone Biles got engaged to Houston Texans football player Jonathan Owens, who plans to give her the twisties on their honeymoon

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler opened Janie’s House, a home for abused women, named after the song Janie’s Got A Gun, where a teen girl shoots her abusive father. Residents receive housing, occupational training and target practice.

President Biden will allow the January 6th Commission to review White House logs to see who visited Donald Trump on the day of the riots, other than the usual visits from the spray tan lady and the Grubhub Big Mac guy.

Libya held the first-ever beauty pageant for chickens. But the big winner is the woman who got rich sewing all the evening gowns & swimsuits.

Russian skater Kamila Valieva said she tested positive for a banned substance because she mistakenly took her grandfather’s medication. Valieva also said taking her grandfather’s medication made it difficult to skate because of her huge boner.

Pregnant inmates in a Pennsylvania state prison trial program will be permitted access to doula services. A doula provides physical & emotional support to women before, during & after childbirth – and also keeps lookout when the inmates want to hook up with the guards again.

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Today Show host Hoka Kotb called off her engagement to Joel Schiffman, telling her audience she will Notb getting married.

Legendary quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL, but failed to mention the New England Patriots, owner Robert Kraft or coach Bill Belichick. Belichick said it was okay, because he’d already seen film of Brady discussing retirement with his wife & kids.

Walking Dead actor Moses Mosely passed away at age 31. No cause of death was given, but his brains were still uneaten.

Singer India Arie announced she’s pulling her music from Spotify in protest of podcaster Joe Rogan’s statements about race. Arie’s music will still be available for streaming in her living room.

A hiker in an Arizona park fell 700 feet to their death while taking a selfie atop a cliff. Worse, he didn’t buy the insurance for his phone.

A 40-person chair-throwing brawl erupted at a Golden Corral restaurant in suburban Philadelphia, allegedly because the all-you-can-eat buffet ran out of steak. No serious injures were reported, but police are praising an anonymous hero who was able to save the Chocolate Fountain.

Sarah Palin, 57, is reportedly dating retired New York Rangers hockey player Ron Duguay, 61. There’s some high-sticking, but it takes a little while.

The New York Times is acquiring word puzzle Wordle, and bracing for the fallout on February 5th when users see “Sorry, you’ve used up your free puzzles for the month.”

A U.K. study finds Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya!’ is the most distracting song to play while driving a car, with a high percentage of listeners shaking it like a polaroid picture into trees and guard rails.

Astronomers confirmed the existence of a mile-wide Earth Trojan asteroid in Earth’s orbit, but are not concerned that it will collide with our planet and cause damage. What they’re really worried about is the two-mile-wide Earth Magnum.

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Kansas State Wildcats center Ayoka Lee scored 61 points in their 94-65 win over Oklahoma, breaking an NCAA women’s basketball scoring record previously shared by two other people you’ve never heard of.

A Michigan woman who bought a lottery ticket online found a notification that she’d won $3 million in her email spam folder. She’s now engaged to a Nigerian prince she met via the next email in her spam folder.

Sarah Palin tested positive for COVID-19 just before her defamation trial against the New York Times was to begin. Palin, who is unvacccinated, may opt to get Russia’s Sputnik vaccine since she believes a clinic is very close to her house.

A&E Network will release ‘Secrets of Playboy‘, a docuseries about alleged abusive behavior of Hugh Hefner. It’s 10 episodes long, although most men will skip to the three in the center.

A man stowed away in the wheel well of a jet survived an 11-hour flight from South Africa to Amsterdam. The airline explained he was several frequent flyer miles short of an upgrade.

Bucks County, Pennsylvania passed laws limiting the hours of massage parlors, and making it illegal for customers or employees to expose their genitals. So far, 75 divorced guys have applied to be County Enforcement Officer.

A couple in Tamil Nadu, India – where in-person gatherings are limited – will have their reception in the Metaverse, so 2,000 avatars can attend, including one representing the groom’s deceased father, who’s expected to complain his son didn’t marry a different woman he’d picked out.

Actor James Snyder was fired from his Broadway role portraying Harry Potter, after repeatedly asking a female co-star for a Hufflepuff.

AT&T launched 5-gigabyte-per-second Internet service in Los Angeles, leading blond actors & comics to immediately sign up, thinking they’ve landed five gigs.

100 lab monkeys escaped after their vehicle crashed into a dump truck on a Pennsylvania highway. They were all eventually recaptured, and a professor will soon publish his research paper on why it’s a bad idea to let a monkey drive an 18-wheeler.

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An Idaho man murdered and ate a 70-year-old victim because he thought eating the body would “cure his brain”. Also, the victim’s brain was found in a smokehouse where the killer was curing it.

Google Drive will notify users of illegal files they’re storing on the service. Most people will be notified by Google; pedophiles will be notified by the cops breaking down their front door.

The newest dating trend is “hardballing” – telling partners early in relationships what expectations are in terms of monogamy & marriage. Young men are reportedly excited when told women are hardballing, then sad when they learn what it means.

Sarah Palin told a conservative crowd at a Turning Point USA conference that she’ll only get a COVID vaccine “over her dead body” – confirming the general public’s thoughts about Sarah Palin’s vaccine knowledge.

A Tennessee middle school teacher who’d won Teacher Of The Year honors in 2020 was arrested for molesting two 14-year-olds. Other Tennessee teachers condemned his actions, saying he should have waited two years and proposed instead.

Tiger Woods & son Charlie finished 2nd in the PNC Championship to the team of John Daly & son John II, as the sorta-recovering alcohol addict edged out the sorta-recovering sex addict.

Charlie Woods didn’t stick around for the post-tourney press conference, because there’s a hostess at Chuck E. Cheese he has his eye on, whose shift ended at 5pm.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady, at the end of a shutout loss to the New Orleans Saints, was shown on the sidelines throwing & breaking a Microsoft Surface tablet in frustration. The Surface was penalized 15 yards for taunting.

Retired porn star & director Randy Spears said Billie Eilish is right for saying that watching porn as an 11-year-old damaged her young brain and hindered her adult sex life. Spears made the comments at the release party for his California Teen Hos 1-12 Collectors Box Set.

Bradley Cooper film Nightmare Alley bombed so hard at the box office, cinemas cancelled screenings to accommodate more Spider Man: No Way Home showings. To salvage some revenue, it’s being rereleased as Madea’s Nightmare Alley.

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The Masked Singer eliminated The Bear, who was revealed to be Sarah Palin. The Bear/Palin had rapped Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’, with Palin admitting that “I like big butts” was dedicated to Donald Trump.

LEGO is releasing Nintendo Super Mario themed playsets. When you step on a Super Mario LEGO mushroom you don’t get coins, you still get a sore foot.

ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’, Peter Weber, selected Madison Prewett to be ‘the one’, despite his mother openly campaigning for him to choose a different woman. Female viewers seeing a boyfriend’s mother act like a total bitch call it the most realistic thing ever about ‘The Bachelor’.

The NBA suspended its season after a Utah Jazz player Rudy Gobert tested postitive for coronavirus. When games resume, it’s expected that Gobert will be open.

NCAA men’s and women’s basketball championship tournament games will only be attended by family members. Players are concerned about having to call their own fouls.

Disney and other Florida theme parks are staying open despite the spread of coronavirus. Kids are adjusting to getting their picture taken with Mickey Mouse standing six feet away.

Progress continues on Disney’s ‘Avengers Campus’ at their California Adventure theme park. Rumors has it that, if you’re willing to pay for the Thanos Pass, you can snap your fingers and make half the lines disappear.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. However the World Dog Health Organization announced that cats can get it and should be dealt with accordingly. [story h/t to J.L.]

A new study claims 90% of new moms can identify a baby by its smell. That increases to 98% if the baby needs to be changed.

A U.S. Customs officer was arrested and charged with attempting to smuggle 40 pounds of cocaine. The contraband was detected by drug-sniffing dogs at Atlanta’s airport who were honestly dying for something to do these days.

 

 

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Donald Trump was added to the Hall of Presidents at Disney World in Florida. His big line is “no puppet..you’re the puppet” to the other puppets, then he sits down and watches six hours of TV.

Toys R Us is said to be closing up to 100 stores. Once the locations are announced, parents are invited to bring their toddlers in for one final meltdown for old time’s sake.

Reverend Gregory Greiten – a Catholic priest in Milwaukee – came out as gay, telling his parishioners that he exclusively doesn’t have sex with men.

  • After making the announcement at mass, he received a standing ovation, except for the altar boys, who he’d asked to keep kneeling.
  • Greiten said he came out because he was ‘weary of holding it in.’ “You’re telling me!” said a wisecracking man that Greiten is totally not having sex with.

Facebook says that the U.S. Government is making more secret requests for user data than ever before; proving if there’s anything Facebook is worse at than designing user settings, it’s understanding what ‘secret’ means.

Apple AirPods are sold out for the Holidays. So you can either wait until they’re back in stock, or suck it up and reuse the pair you fished out after they dropped from your ears into the toilet.

Shares of Twitter are up 6% this week and 40% this year, as takeover rumors continue to swirl around the company. Facebook is reportedly not interested, even though it would lead to massive productivity increases from users not having to copy their Facebook status into a Tweet.

Driver Danica Patrick announced that she is no longer together with longtime boyfriend and fellow NASCAR driver Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. Insiders say their relationship had been running under a caution flag for some time, until it was just the pits.

Sarah Palin’s oldest son, Track Palin, was arrested for domestic violence after getting into a fight with his father, Todd, over a truck. The younger Palin had apparently been drinking, and the fight left his father bloodied and covered in Track marks.

Reddit officially launched its new mobile tools for users, allowing commenting and chat for the dozen or so Reddit users that actually leave their house.

 

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Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.

 

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An 18 year-old competitor in the Wimbledon Junior Men’s Draw was ordered by tournament officials to change his underwear before a match, to comply with the All England Club’s ‘all-white’ apparel rules. The player complied, and swore off eating Taco Bell.

A security breach resulted in 6 million Verizon customers’ personal data being leaked online. The customers’ identities can now be stolen with 99% reliability.

NASA’s Juno mission has returned images and other data from Jupiter, with NASA scientists claiming Jupiter is nothing like they expected it to be.  Jupiter plans to update its Tinder profile.

Earlier this week an Evangelical group met with President Trump in the Oval Office. The members prayed with him, with some ‘laying hands’ on Trump, at least until the burning sensation overcame them and forced them to pull their hands away.

President Trump visited France at the invitation of newly-elected French President Macron. Along with their wives, they toured Napoleon’s Tomb. Trump said of the visit that Napoleon is both a “high quality person” and “one of his favorite ice creams.”

GOP Senators unveiled their newest draft health care bill on Thursday. Analysts say the bill features low-cost plans at bare-bones prices, while critics say the plans aren’t even health insurance, they’re just memberships to Planet Fitness.

TIME magazine provided a sneak peek at its upcoming cover, featuring Donald Trump Jr with red hands. TIME famously put President Trump on its cover as Person of the Year; Trump Jr may end up being Person Sentenced to Several Years.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley sent a letter to Donald Trump Jr asking that he testify before the Senate Judiciary committee about his meeting with a Russian lawyer. Grassley said he would have emailed, but that he didn’t want, like, the whole world to see it.

A ‘Kid Rock for Senate’ website has emerged, leading to speculation that Kid Rock will run for a Senate seat in his home state of Michigan. Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent swiftly volunteered to join the ticket as Vice Senators, before being told there is no such thing.

Thursday is National French Fry Day — which is like Prime Day, only for heart disease.

The left tackle on Kansas State’s football team has come out as gay. He described the response to his announcement as overwhelming love and support – despite coming from the blind side.