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Buffalo Wild Wings opened its 100th takeout & delivery ‘Go’ location, and says one-third of its sales are made outside of sit-down restaurants. Now 33% of customers say “this food sucks” to themselves in living rooms instead of to BWW servers.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72 and wife Theresa Nist, 70 are ending their marriage after just three months. It’s the Early Bird Special Divorce.

All of O.J. Simpson’s children visited him before he died, but they were not allowed to have their cell phones with them, and were required to sign non-disclosure agreements. O.J. then confessed that Hertz wasn’t the best rental car agency.

Apple upgraded its AirTag functionality to allow sharing of the tracking devices with up to five people. Now you can enlist friends to help you stalk your ex-spouse or partner.

Vietnam real estate tycoon Truong My Lan was sentenced to death after she defrauded the nation’s banks out of $12.5 billion, or 304 trillion dong. Residents said they could only dream of seeing that many dongs.

Earlier this week, the terms ‘eclipse’; ‘total eclipse’; and ‘eclipse sex’ were the top 3 searches on Pornhub. For those curious, eclipse sex is intercourse with a partner so big you can’t see one of them.

Viral video shows an exchange at a Florida airport with a Spirit Airlines employee saying “F**k you, too!” while reviewing a woman’s boarding pass. A spokesperson for Spirit Airlines explained this is the official greeting for Spirit’s frequent flyers.

Errors were corrected to the base of a statue honoring the late Kobe Bryant, including some statistics in the engraved box score of Bryant’s 81-point game, and a statement claiming he never sexually assaulted anyone.

A grease fire in the kitchen of The Tamron Hall Show forced the evacuation of her studio, and The View, which films in an adjacent studio. The fire was extinguished without incident, and Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar fought over who got the french fries.

17 countries were ranked in terms of the size of women’s buttocks, with South Africa having the biggest, India the smallest, and the U.S. ranked 6th. Curiously, Brazil was omitted, because the researchers just wanted to give other countries a chance.

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Dollar Tree stores announced they’ll raise the price of most items to $1.25. Hundreds of employees quit rather than taking a required 8-week training course ‘Making Change’.

Philadelphia recorded its 500th homicide on Wednesday, trailing Chicago by 200 killings, but still good enough to secure a Wild Card berth in the 2021 National Murder Playoffs.

New, heavily-mutated COVID variants have been positively identified in South Africa and Belgium, forcing North American tourists to cancel really long, boring vacations.

Israel also declared an emergency after a rise in new COVID cases and strains, with Prime Minister Naftali Bennett raising the national threat level from ‘be careful, bubby’ to ‘Oy vey!’.

Egypt celebrated the reopening of the famed Avenue of the Sphinxes in Luxor with a gala parade, capped off with an appearance from Mummy Claus.

Peter Buck, the nuclear physicist who co-founded Subway sandwich shops, died at age 90. Buck is widely credited for using sub-atomic particle splicing to create the world’s chintziest meat sandwich.

A North Korean man was sentenced to death by firing squad for smuggling video of Squid Game into the country. His family begged for leniency, saying he’s mentally ill for wanting to return to North Korea after leaving.

Procter & Gamble is recalling 18 Old Spice and Secret aerosol deodorants because they contain a cancer-causing chemical. Consumers should return the products for a refund, unless they already have cancer and stink.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are still together, making 2021 the first Thanksgiving in decades where Kim didn’t have dark meat.

Claire, a Scottish deerhound, became the first-ever repeat Best In Show winner at the National Dog Show. “Bitch”, muttered the runners-up.

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A new study finds walking immediately after a meal reduces gas. However, the findings are disputed by people walking behind study participants.

Michigan confirmed 25 cases of the highly contagious COVID-19 Delta variant – one person at an urgent care, and 24 people waiting in cars at the Chick-fil-A drive-thru next door.

New York City holds its Democratic Mayoral primary election, with eight official candidates vying to see if they can get more votes than Lin-Manuel Miranda gets write-ins.

A California appeals court has temporarily upheld the state’s ban on assault weapons, making workplace retirement parties just a little safer for now.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte is threatening to jail citizens who don’t get vaccinated against COVID-19. His stance is worrying incarcerated murderers, who don’t want to listen to anti-vaxxers all day.

A South African woman who claimed to have given birth to 10 babies at once was admitted to a psychiatric ward after doctors found no physical evidence of her alleged c-section, only balloon shrapnel in her sweatpants.

Retired quarterback Eli Manning is taking a job in business development with the New York Giants. So far he’s been assigned three projects, two are incomplete and the third was intercepted by a coworker.

A French engineer claims to have cracked the long-unsolved Z13 and Z32 ciphers of the Zodiac Killer. Cryptographers think he’s wrong, since he theorizes Z13 is ‘KAYE’, a clue to the killer’s name, and Z32 is ‘Drink More Ovaltine’.

Actress Jordana Brewster of the Fast & Furious movie franchise revealed she had a crush on co-star Paul Walker after finding out he had a crush on her. It never worked out because Paul ended up crushing on a Porsche and a tree.

Medical journal JAMA said COVID-19 infections are twice as high in households that hosted a children’s birthday party – and even higher in households that hired FreeZo – the Libertarian, Anti-Vaccination Party Clown.

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Researchers created special light waves that can penetrate opaque materials. They plan to use it to see through coworkers clothes and underwear.

Hester Ford, recognized as the oldest living American at 116 years old, passed away in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. The title of oldest American now goes to Thelma Sutcliffe, 115, of Nebraska, who also just died.

Vandals threw a pig’s head at the home of a retired police officer who testified in Derek Chauvin’s defense, but it turns out the man no longer lives there. The vandals asked if they could get their pig head back along with directions to his new place.

Demi Lovato criticized a frozen yogurt shop for displaying sugar-free items, saying it was “triggering” to her eating disorder. Lovato then had a nervous breakdown walking through the soda aisle of a grocery store.

Facebook now allows users to export posts to Blogger & WordPress.com – so that user’s thoughts and ideas can be ignored on multiple sites.

A suspected rhino poacher was killed in an elephant stampede at a national park in South Africa. The elephants were disappointed in park rangers efforts to stop the poachers, so they put their foot down.

Model Ireland Baldwin showed off her new butt tattoo in a bikini photo shoot. The tattoo is actually on her arm, but it’s a picture of her father Alec.

6 people were wounded in a mass shooting at a child’s birthday party in Louisiana. After treatment at a nearby hospital, the clown promised to improve his act.

TSA agents at Houston’s Hobby Airport found crystal meth in a breakfast burrito. The passenger was arrested, but to stay competitive, the Houston airport McDonald’s introduced the Meth McMuffin.

The dead body of a man infected with COVID-19 washed ashore in the island nation of Vanuatu, leaving local officials concerned about how they’ll conduct contact tracing with sea turtles.

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A giant squid died after washing on to a beach in South Africa’s Western Cape province. The squid was clutching an unfinished note to his family, but had run out of ink.

A powerful magnitude 7.4 earthquake struck near the resort town of Huatulco in southern Mexico. Rescue teams immediately went to work freeing mules stuck in drug tunnels.

Bill Cosby was granted an appeal to his sexual assault conviction by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. The Court’s lead justice wrote: “Weebuh fuhbind thubuh duubufubendubent Cuhbosbuhby duhservebuhs ubbuh nuwbuh trubial.”

Philadelphia is considering an expanded ban on any choking maneuver in addition to chokeholds. The ruling would apply only to police, and would still allow choking Cowboys & Giants fans at Eagles games.

David Lee Roth said he’s dropping “Lee” from his name, owing to General Lee’s association with the Confederacy. He prefers to be called David L. Roth or El Roth – but, as of now, nobody’s calling him anything.

Mel Gibson denies Winona Ryder’s assertion that he made anti-gay and anti-semitic remarks to her. Ryder made the claims in the latest issue of Common Knowledge magazine.

Comedian Chris D’Elia, accused of hitting on underage girls via social media, has been dropped by talent agency CAA. CAA then announced the signing of several other scumbags who haven’t been found out yet.

The FBI ruled a ‘pull rope’ that looks like a noose had been in the Talladega Superspeedway garage since October, and was not a hate crime against black driver Bubba Wallace – disappointing many longtime NASCAR fans.

Golfer Bubba Watson hit his ball into a sand trap last weekend during a tournament in South Carolina, but a small crab had nestled under it. Tour officials allowed Watson to continue play, adding they hadn’t seen crabs under balls since Tiger Woods’ last physical.

Adult film star Ron Jeremy was charged with four counts of sexual assault, and thousands of counts of assaulting the eyeballs of anyone watching his movies.

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As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.

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President Trump made history as the first U.S. President to set foot in North Korea, then promptly blew it by asking for his dry cleaning.

Observers questioned where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un acquired a Rolls Royce limousine. He claims it was a reward for straight-As in every class he ever took, but privately everyone assumes he assassinated the guy who used to own it.

Taylor Swift published a scathing Tumblr post over her music catalogue being acquired by music industry mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun. The public is hoping Braun will do the right thing and burn all of it.

Meghan Markle attended the Yankees/Red Sox series in London, and gave all of the players ceremonial baseballs with her phone number written on them.

The Buffalo Bills are selling pieces of artifical turf recently removed from their home at New Era Field. They make the perfect gift for someone you hope never has anything good happen to them.

Facebook, AirBNB and Google all have policies forbidding employees from asking another employee on a date twice. So it’s either get rejected and give up, or really make that first date count.

In South Africa, magician Li Lau was struck in the head with an arrow when one of his tricks went wront. Li is expected to recover, and will continue to refine his Don’t Get Hit In The Head With An Arrow illusion.

The New York Mets honored the 50th Anniversary of their 1969 Amazin’ Mets championship team, but mistakenly included two living players in an ‘In Memoriam’ slideshow. No members of the 2019 Mets were shown, though a lot of them wish they were dead.

A new study from broker Edward Jones claims 38% of women admit being hindered from making life decisions by a lack of financial knowledge – adding that it’s just too much work emptying their bag to see how much money is in it.

The Centers for Disease Control warns Americans to take precautions against ‘cryptosporidium’ – a fecal bacteria that can live for days in public swimming pools, causing up to three weeks worth of “profuse, watery diarrhea”. They advise anyone with diarrhea not to swim for up to two weeks, angering water park owners who say they count on sick people to stay in business.

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A new study in Nature Sustainability claims particles released growing corn, or ‘corn pollution’, causes thousands of deaths every year. This, on top of millions who die from embarrassment having corn particles released from the cob and stuck in their teeth.

Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen resijned.

Local residents are outraged that a former substitute teacher in Louisiana who plead guilty to sex with three underage boys will not go to jail. Worse, she’ll serve out her sentence in after-school detention.

President Trump was criticized for nominating Stephen Moore and Herman Cain – each of whom has faced criminal charges or sexual harassment allegations – to the Federal Reserve Board. Trump dismissed the concerns since they’re serving on the Reserve board, not the Federal Starters Board.

A 51-year-old Tennessee man was arrested for killing his 76-year-old mother because she was “driving him crazy”. He was caught trying to flee the country, which in Tennessee means visiting a big city like Nashville.

Becky Lynch won the Smackdown and RAW women’s titles at Wrestlemania 35, pinning Ronda Rousey after 22 minutes, and in the process proving that there’s one more thing women are great at faking.

A suspected rhino poacher in South Africa was reportedly killed by elephants and eaten by lions. The rhinos claim to know nothing about it.

A University of Tokyo study claims 25% of Japanese women in their 20s & 30s are virgins. Experts say Japan lags behind other developed countries in sexual experience, while skeptics say the women just haven’t met the right American weirdo anime fan yet.

The U.S. Government will issue its first-ever dietary guidelines for babies, in order to lessen the risk of obesity. First guideline, no more adding Hershey’s Syrup or Strawberry Quik to breast milk.

A baseball field in Ridgefield, Connecticut will require $50,000 in repairs after coaches attempted to dry it by pouring gasoline on it and burning it. A child who tried sliding into home is now known as the Human Torch.