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Marriott Hotels is running a pilot program where human desk clerks are replaced by automated kiosks that check in guests and issue room keys. They’re in response to guest concerns about “catching COVID-19” and “being seen with hookers”.

Tiger Woods was traveling at an illegally high rate of speed when he rolled over his SUV and suffered broken bones. This, according to police investigators and anyone who saw a picture of the twisted wreck.

Kayleigh McEnany joined the panel of Fox News’ ‘Outnumbered’, where women outnumber men in a game show to see who can tell the most lies about Democrats.

Christina Haack [formerly El Moussa & Antstead] announced five new episodes of HGTV’s ‘Flip or Flop’. Co-star and ex-husband Tarek El Moussa will flip to a new blonde wife, and Christina will review her latest flop of a marriage.

Joe Biden’s massive new infrastructure bill incorporates over 100 billion dollars to bring broadband internet service to rural communities, and 100 dollars for customer service once it’s done.

The co-CEO of Elon Musk’s neurotechnology company, Neuralink, claims the company has the technology to create a real ‘Jurassic Park’. This is exciting news for everyone who hopes it happens, and that the dinosaurs eat Elon Musk.

Mike Pence signed a seven-figure deal to publish two books – a memoir, and a steamy romance novel about Stephen Miller.

More than 5,000 people attended an illegal party at Arizona’s Tonto National Forest, resulting in multiple DUIs after drivers drank so many Silver Bullets.

Hollywood producer Scott Rudin is the subject of a scathing article in The Hollywood Reporter, with claims that Rudin threw a baked potato at an assistant, then asking the assistant to get sour cream & chives to also throw at him.

LEGO released a NASA Space Shuttle Discovery set. They also released a Space Shuttle Challenger set that comes with gasoline and firecrackers.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.

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Michael Bloomberg was declared eligible to participate in the next Democratic Party Presidential Debate. In other news, the debate moderator bought a boat.

Walmart said their Holiday 2019 shopping season “wasn’t as good as expected”. They said the first hint was when Black Friday Doorbuster concussions dropped 50% from last year.

Disney World’s iconic Cinderella Castle is getting a makeover. The news was reported by customers at an Orlando Home Depot, who saw Cinderella and Prince Charming arguing about paint colors.

Vendors are complaining about electicity costs at the Philadelphia Flower Show. 10 days of power for a booth cost $165 in 2019, and over $400 this year. The local electricians union said the added cost is protection money to rough up rats chewing power lines.

Instagram & YouTube fitness model Zoe Klopfer discovered her photographer had hidden a camera in her bathroom, capturing images of her nude and using the toilet. Klopfer has over 240,000 followers; the toilet account now has over a million.

IKEA Dubai is letting customers discount their purchase by showing how long it took them to get to the store with their Google Maps timeline. Customers traveling an hour to the store are excited to save money on products taking them four hours to assemble incorrectly.

Boy Scouts of America declared bankruptcy, after their plan to offer limited-edition Dropping Sexual Assault Lawsuit merit badges didn’t get much traction.

Chinese restaurants in major U.S. cities are claiming their business is down as much as 50% over fears of the COVID-19 coronavirus – and sales of #19 combos are almost non-existent.

White House adviser Stephen Miller married Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Waldman on Sunday. No word on when, or if, they plan to welcome children for sacrifice to Satan.

TV hit ‘Riverdale’ is getting a spinoff, ‘Katy Keene’, which features an abundance of LGBTQ characters and story lines – like refusing to be served at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe, and taking a half-hour to explain to Moose what ‘gay’ is.

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Researchers are looking for 10,000 dogs in order to test a pill that may slow the aging process in canines. They need 10,000 in order to get 10 dogs that don’t spit out the pill.

A Mommy Blogger is advocating parents adopt “The 4 Gift Rule” for Christmas presents. A Child Blogger is suggesting parents follow “The Don’t Listen To Her Rule”.  [ story h/t to A.D. ]

The FDA issued a warning to Dollar Tree for continuing to sell “unsafe drugs”. The specific drugs weren’t named publicly, but it’s believed they’re referring to top seller DollarContin.

An El Paso Walmart location that was the site of a mass shooting in August reopened this week. Walmart executives thought it was important to the community that the store open in time for residents to clobber each other on Black Friday.

After White House Advisor Stephen Miller was accused of promoting white supremacist literature, Democrats are calling for his resignation. “Yeah but if I quit, like. FIFTY other white racists will have to quit working here too” argued Miller.

Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions contestants are asking viewers to play along at home and donate $1 for each correct response to pancreatic cancer research in honor of Alex Trebek. They also ask that you don’t deduct $1 for wrong answers, you cheap idiots.

An Iowa City Methodist pastor accused of being a “practicing homosexual” is taking a leave of absence amidst complaints. The complaints are from parishioners who can’t believe the church floral arrangements are so terrible.

The Centers for Disease Control say smoking reached its lowest level ever in 2018. Most likely smokers are between ages 25 and 44, gay or bisexual, and members of certain minority groups. CNN anchor Don Lemon was introduced as the new Marlboro Man.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said one customer demanded a full refund because the property they rented was haunted by a ghost. Chesky would not identify the customer, referring to him only as “Shaggy”.

Nine-year-old Laurent Simons will receive a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering from Eindhoven University of Technology in Belgium. He plans on a career in medicine – a decision he made after becoming ill chugging juice boxes at his fraternity hazing.

A U.K. inventor flew over 85 mph in a backpack-mounted jet engine suit, breaking the world record. He was asked how he felt after the flight, but waited to answer until his ass stopped burning.

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Olivia Newton John is auctioning off the black leather jacket & pants she wore as “bad girl Sandy” at the end of ‘Grease’. Her only stipulation is that the auctioneer close bidding by saying “going once..going twice..tell me about it, stud.”

R. Kelly was charged in Minnesota with prostitution and illegal contact with an underaged girl. He already faces charges in New York and Chicago, and will almost certainly be adding more cities to this tour.

Amazon is accused of selling books that promote hatred and white supremacy in its online store — and audio versions of the same books read by White House aide Stephen Miller.

GateHouse Media is merging with Gannett to create the U.S.’ largest newspaper company. It’s the biggest company ever to make a product that nobody wants anymore.

To minimize the nuisance from seagulls, Ocean City, New Jersey hired East Coast Falcons to release trained hawks, falcons & owls to repel the gulls. So far it’s working, but officials received multiple complaints about Speedo-clad hawks bothering women on the beach. 

A new study finds bowls at Chipotle contain cancer-linked non-boiodegradable chemicals. Said a Chipotle spokesperson, “it’s called guacamole”.

A Phoenix postal worker cooked a steak on the dashboard of his delivery truck to draw attention to the “inhumane” working conditions during the Arizona heat wave. He then delivered the steak to the wrong Grubhub customer.

Scottish scientists created an artifical tongue that can identify authentic Scotch whiskey with 99% accuracy and catch counterfeit alcohol. They hope to put the tongues in widespread use once they stop lab employees from stealing and sucking the whiskey out of them.

The NFL’s Houston Texans kicked rookie cornerback Lonnie Johnson, Jr out of a practice against the Green Bay Packers for hitting Packers receivers too hard. Texans coach Bill O’Brien told Johnson to save those concussions for the regular season.

Google is introducing a feature for Android phones where a robotic voice can speak on your behalf to 911 operators. It recognizes phrases like “I’m having a heart attack”, “my house is on fire” and “where is my pizza?”

Following their devaluation of the yuan to minimize tariff impacts, the Trump Administration called China “currency manipulators”. Asked to explain what that means, President Trump said China manipulates its currency to look nothing like U.S. dollars.

 

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White House Communications Director Hope Hicks resigned. She asks for privacy during this time, while she and her boyfriend – former senior staff aide and spousal abuser Rob Porter – throw punches at each other.

Hicks plans are unknown, but in the immediate future, she’ll visit a neurosurgery clinic to have all memories of Stephen Miller wiped from her brain.

In a statement, Hicks said “There are no words to adequately express my gratitude to President Trump…but for now, I’ll just say keep sending the checks and I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

While Trump expressed disappointment at losing Hicks; the majority of American expressed continued sadness at losing Hope in late 2016.

A woman in England found a live rat in a sealed package of plums she bought at Aldi.  Aldi’s spokesperson explained that the rat shouldn’t have been found in produce, he’s usually assigned to the deli counter.

Walmart is raising the age limit to 21 for customers buying firearms and ammunition. This is expected to create new jobs for Walmart managers who can count to 21.

A Russian model held in a Thailand jail is asking for help from the U.S. to be released so that she can reveal dirt about Donald Trump and the Russians. Informed that Trump is President of the country she’s asking for help, she said “okay, let me talk to the Vice President, then..”

Lance Armstrong hosted former porn actress Mia Khalifa on his podcast. Khalifa said that she quit porn due to threats from ISIS, and opportunities afforded by the Trump Administration.

Worshipers at Sanctuary Church near Newfoundland, Pennsylvania had their AR-15 rifles blessed at a religious ceremony. Reverend Sean Moon of the Sanctuary Church, son of the late Sun Myung Moon, preaches that the AR-15 is the ‘Rod of Iron’ mentioned in the Bible. Men who showed up to have their penises blessed as the Rod of Iron were given rainchecks.

Los Angeles Lakers guard Lonzo Ball, second overall NBA draft pick, lost a basketball shooting contest to Bow Wow. Bow Wow posted video of the win to social media, then went back to a recording studio, which is what he calls the bathroom at the bus station.

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White House Communications Director Hope Hicks acknowledged during questioning by the House Intelligence Committee that she sometimes tells ‘white lies’ – the most frequent being “great idea, sir” and “your hair looks great.”

Dick’s Sporting Goods announced that they will no longer sell assault-style weapons or high-capacity ammo magazines, but their highly-trained staff will happily show you the best ways to kill somebody with a softball bat or tennis racquet.

  • Meanwhile Cabela’s kicked off their annual High Capacity Magazine & Armor Piercing Bullet Blowout.

White House Senior Adviser Jared Kushner was stripped of his Top Secret Security Clearance by White House Chief of Staff John Kelly, who just got himself totally uninvited to Passover Seder.

Kushner was informed of his security clearance downgrade prior to his attendance at a meeting on prison reform, where he was picking out a mattress and sheets for his cell.

Faculty at Lehigh University voted to rescind the Honorary Degree given to Donald Trump in 1988.  Trump was seen with aides frantically updating his resume before his next big interview.

White House Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller was caught sleeping during a speech by Trump regarding school safety – and in doing so, finally giving White House staffers something to say they have in common with Stephen Miller.

The body of deceased Pastor Billy Graham will lie in honor at the U.S. Capitol on Wednesday.  President Trump will attend memorial services for Graham, then lie in dishonor on Twitter.

Amazon is acquiring Ring, a maker of video doorbells and security cameras, and will partner with Ring on a new Amazon Prime series ‘Best Of Stolen Amazon Delivery Videos’.

At a Dolce & Gabbana show during Fashion Week in Milan, airborne drones modeled Dolce & Gabbana purses, flying them up and down the runway. After the show, the drones were seen vomiting oil after being told they needed to lose weight.

 

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A Florida boy had to be rescued after he climbed inside of a toy claw machine in a restaurant lobby. Rescuers removed the boy, over the objections of his sister who demanded that they rescue a stuffed bear instead.

  • The boy was removed from the claw machine unharmed, so owners of the restaurant are now charging $10/hour for other diners to leave their children in it.

White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter resigned after reports he physically abused both of his two ex-wives. The White House hopes Porter is the last of the abusers on staff, but just in case they’re cancelling the ‘Win A Dream Date With Stephen Miller’ contest.

  • President Trump was reportedly ‘disheartened’, ‘surprised’ and ‘saddened’ by the reports of Porter’s spousal abuse, but told Porter to buck up, he can still be President someday.

Vladimir Putin admits that he doesn’t have a smartphone, saying that he already spends too much time on Facebook and Twitter making thousands of political posts each day.

Defense Secretary James Mattis said that undocumented ‘Dreamers’ currently enlisted in the U.S. military will not be deported;  rather, they’ll be sent on all-expenses-paid trips to exotic destinations such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

A California woman’s post – showing disgusting fungus & bacteria grown in a petri dish held under a restroom hand dryer – has gone viral. The maker of the hand dryer, World Dryer, challenged the photo, saying that the woman should have wiped the petri dish on her pants to properly complete the hand drying process.

L.L. Bean has cut back its legendary ‘Lifetime Return Policy’ to one year. So you’d better hope barn coats come back in style.

Samsung may have violated United Nations economic sanctions by giving Galaxy Note 8 phones to Olympic athletes from North Korea. Samsung dismissed the criticism, saying that the phones won’t work anyway on North Korea’s leading cell provider: Un Mobile.

President Trump signed a budget bill to avert the latest threat of a government shutdown, allowing White House employees to return to work backstabbing and sexually harassing each other.

 

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Taylor Swift blacked out all of her social media accounts on Friday – delighting fans by taking one of the most controversial weeks in recent history and trying to make it about her.

The ghostwriter of Donald Trump’s book ‘The Art of the Deal’ said in an interview that he thinks Trump will resign the Presidency. He said this after completing a first draft of ‘The Art of Resigning the Presidency.’

Malala Yousefzai will study at Oxford University. Admissions staff said her SAT scores were lousy, but that her life experience is slightly above average.

White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is out; Bannon said that he looks forward to having more free time to suck his own c*ck.

The White House named 28 year old Hope Hicks as Interim Communications Director. ‘Interim’, in this case, meaning ‘the time it takes to say the word ‘interim”.

  • Hicks joins 31 year old Stephen Miller and 11 year old Barron Trump as the youngest soon-to-be-former members of the White House staff.

The Boston Red Sox are considering a change to Yawkey Way, the street that borders Fenway Park, in light of Thomas Yawkey’s racist legacy. Frontrunners for the new name are Big Papi Boulevard and Yankees Suck.

Alaska Airlines is offering a special solar eclipse day flight that departs Portland at 7:30a.m. and seeks to follow the totality of the event for two hours. The captain will leave the seat belt sign on the whole time, and window seats are reserved for elite frequent fliers who will leave the shade down so they can nap.

Congressional Democrats, angry over Trump’s post-Charlottesville comments, are seeking to have him censured. Trump is asking whoever is left on his staff what false teeth have to do with anything.

Foot Locker reported disastrous sales results, sending the stock price down 25%, citing the fact that nobody is buying expensive sneakers. The winners?…cheap Moms who know your real friends like you for who you are, not for what you have.

Secretary of State and former Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson said that “hate is not an American value” — leading Trump to question how long he’s lived in the U.S. and whether or not he was born here.