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Amazon is developing its own coronavirus test for workers. It’s a stick they drop in the urine-filled soda bottle they used during a 12-hour shift with no breaks.

Banksy is working from home during the COVID-19 lockdown and was concussed after blacking out from spray paint fumes.

Millions of Americans may lose their $1,200 stimulus checks to debt collectors. The debt collectors are also broke and have had to take second jobs tying damsels to railroad tracks.

Dietitians recommend whole grains, probiotics, fish, and leafy green vegetables to improve your mood during lockdown. In other news, Totinos Pizza Rolls obliterated their sales record for the second straight month.

Following an anonymous tip, 17 bodies were recovered from a New Jersey nursing home. Insiders believe the tipster was the resident who woke up one morning with 17 roommates.

Forbes magazine posted tips to keep your glasses from fogging while wearing them with a facemask. Tip #1 is to not look at porn while wearing a facemask and glasses.

Facebook added a new reaction emoji, “Care”, to its Like button. It’s a smiley face hugging a heart. Asked why there isn’t a “Don’t Care” button, Zuckerberg said you already have Hide Post, Unfollow & Unfriend.

Apple launched the iPhone SE2, a new handset priced at $399. CEO Tim Cook said the new phone is a way for poor people to feel kinda cool.

AMC Theaters is hoping to salvage operations by raising $500 million cash in a private offering – they’re selling all their leftover popcorn.

Whole Foods is converting some stores to online-only. You can place orders for two week’s worth of groceries and also complete a financing application to pay for them.

 

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A cartoon image of Mötley Crüe vocalist Vince Neil appears in a new children’s book, ‘Heavy Metal Harry’s First Gig’. It’s believed to be the first children’s book where someone gets killed in a drunk driving accident.

Louis C.K. finalized the list of cities for his upcoming standup comedy tour. But you have to wait for him to ask before he’ll show it to you.

United Airlines instructed flight attendants not to utilize the central window shade controls on its Boeing 787 Dreamliners, letting passengers seated next to the windows control the shades. They want window passengers to be able to piss off others in the row with light, in addition to climbing over them to use the bathroom.

Corona will launch a line of hard seltzer this spring, for people who don’t think drinking Corona Beer makes them look like a big enough douche.

Donald Trump complained about South Korean film ‘Parasite’ winning the Best Picture Oscar, before telling a crowd at his rally that he’s detaining Dora The Explorer’s family at the Southern Border.

Pizza Hut’s largest U.S. franchisee, with over 1,200 locations, may declare bankruptcy. They haven’t filed yet, coming to grips with the fact that they’ve been out-pizza’d.

Google updated its Terms Of Service to make them easier to understand. It now reads “We’re Taking Your Personal Information And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It”.

Apple filed a restraining order against a 41-year-old San Francisco man who, they allege, is stalking CEO Tim Cook. Cook is reportedly annoyed that the guy doesn’t just FaceTime him.

Disney/Pixar’s animated film ‘Onward’ introduced Disney’s first openly gay cartoon character, lesbian cop Officer Specter. Rumors say she’ll appear in another upcoming Pixar film, where she’s assigned to desk duty after repeatedly harassing Elastigirl.

A University of California study linking vaping to increased risk of heart attacks has now been called ‘unreliable’.  “Good to know” said vapers on the brink of acute respiratory failure.

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Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.

 

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Lehigh University instituted a ban on hard alcohol at all fraternity and sorority houses. The measure is intended to help Greek organizations focus their hazing efforts on physical & emotional abuse.

Jerry Merryman, co-inventor of the handheld calculator, died at age 86.  Merryman said he was proud to introduce a generation of young boys to 80085.

Two female NASA astronauts and a Canadian female flight controller will conduct the first all-female space walk. They intend to walk for a few minutes, then spend an hour having coffee.

Utah residents Michael Lee and Angela Peang, who are first cousins, went to Colorado so they could be legally married. They’re petitioning Utah to recognize their right for cousins to legally marry, adding if that doesn’t work out, they’ll just settle in Mississippi.

President Trump hosted corporate business leaders at the White House, and referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’. Trump then expressed anger & disappointment that Bill Microsoft and Jack Twitter were no-shows.

Four Canadian wolves were captured and air-dropped on Lake Superior’s Isle Royale National Park in Michigan, in order to bolster the dwindling wolf population and control a growing moose population. Local moose then held a hearing to deal with illegal wolf immigration and plummeting moose-house prices.

Residents of Cardwell, Australia are mourning the loss of ‘Bismarck’, an 80-year-old 15-foot crocodile believed to have been shot & killed. Residents say they’d grown to love Bismarck, since he was a huge tourist attraction, and because during his 80-year life he’d only eaten two of their kids.

Queen Elizabeth, aged 92, made her first photo contribution to the @theRoyalFamily ‘s official Instagram account – although skeptics immediately questioned whether that’s really her in the bikini.

A Seattle man robbed $600 in cash from Girl Scouts selling cookies outside of a grocery store. Police distributed a photo of the suspect, as the Scouts gear up to earn their secret merit badge in Vigilante Justice.

Following the closure of a Blockbuster Video location in Perth, Australia, there remains just one Blockbuster store in Bend, Oregon. The manager says the store is a tourist attraction and will remain open, and in fact they’re hiring workers to beat nearby Redbox machines with crowbars.

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Equifax has been awarded a $7 million contract by the IRS to help prevent fraudulent tax claims; Equifax auditors then announced that they’re missing $7 million.

A 900 year-old Chinese bowl sold for $38 Million. The bowl was in remarkable condition, except for a scratches from crab legs piled so high that no one else at the buffet got any.

Melania Trump will travel with the President to Las Vegas in the wake of Sunday’s deadly shooting. There are reports that she wants to donate blood. The Red Cross has asked her what type, and she said “rich”.

  • In addition to her request to donate blood, she also asked for a donated pint of blood to drink on the ride home.
  • Observers could tell the trip to Las Vegas was a somber occasion, since Melania chose black stiletto heels instead of her disaster-relief get-‘er-done blue ones.

President Trump told reporters before traveling to Las Vegas that he believes it will be difficult to bring relief there since it’s in the middle of a desert – a big, hot desert..made of sand.

Melania wore white jeans while visiting Puerto Rico with President Trump on Tuesday. Responding to criticism regarding wearing white after Labor Day, the First Lady said she almost broke a sweat handing out paper towels, so it was still Labor Day to her.

Dan Evans, Great Britain’s 4th-ranked tennis professional, was suspended for one year after testing positive for cocaine — said a line judge.

Tim Murphy, a Pennsylvania Republican congressman who co-sponsored a bill to criminalize abortions after 20 weeks, reportedly texted his mistress to get an abortion during a pregnancy scare. When the mistress confronted the Congressman about his hypocrisy, he told her to sit tight for 20 weeks while he figured things out.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson spoke publicly to reassert his commitment to the job, following published reports that he called President Trump a ‘moron’ and threatened to quit over the summer. The conference ended with Tillerson receiving a call from Air Force One, as a photo of the President and the word ‘Moron’ appeared on his smartphone.

A woman lost her finger in a chain link fence while watching her child’s tee ball game. She was removed from the crowd when her son was called out at home, and she flipped off the umpire by tossing her detached finger at him.

Apple released its second update to iOS11, this time to fix a “crackling” noise that users reported hearing on calls while using iPhone 8, that was totally not because someone was listening in on them said the State Department and CEO Tim Cook.

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Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.

 

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Tourists were stranded on the Greek island of Zante for two days due to a travel curfew imposed while endangered Loggerhead turtles were mating. The delay could have been shortened, but the turtles had trouble finishing with so many angry tourists watching.

The National Football League is considering relaxing its rules on marijuana use, to see if it may help players with pain management. Coaches object, worried their players will fall in with a bad crowd and stop studying.

President Trump introduced a proposed new immigration policy, aimed to prioritize entry to the U.S. for those who speak English and who are financially secure. He predicts the policy will attract many, many more well-spoken, affluent terrorists.

Trump was contradicted by Boy Scouts of America officials after Trump had bragged that he’d heard from the Scouts about his Jamboree speech, complimenting it as one of the best they’d ever heard. The Scouts said they never called, but Trump doubled down, saying the caller was “Timmy something.”

A Sports Illustrated profile on Trump had the President quoted as saying he spends so much time at his golf resorts because The White House is a ‘real dump’. A profile of Melania quotes her as saying she spends so much time away from her husband because he’s a ‘real dumpster’.

A recent wave of violent crime has threatened tourism in Cancun Mexico. Local officials said that tourists who remain at their resort destinations should be just fine, with the possible exception of Sandals El Chapo.

Police seized 5 pounds of methamphetamine from two men at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Australia. McDonald’s was forced to suspend sales of its special limited-time Quarter Pounder with Crank.

District of Columbia has joined Oregon in offering gender-neutral drivers licenses. Officers there have been trained to ask “Do you know why I pulled you over, ..person?”

Iowa’s Department of Alcoholic Beverages has warned against serving Moscow Mules in the traditional copper mug, because drinks with a pH below 6.0 can create a toxic interaction with the copper, and because in Iowa the drinks are served with bits of real mule.

Apple has accumulated record cash holdings of almost $260 Billion, leading to speculation that it may buy Disney Corporation, or at least pimp out Minnie & Mickey.

  • The company’s enormous cash position was announced by CEO Tim Cook at Apple’s quarterly Money Bonfire.