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A self-described transgender vampire was convicted in Wisconsin of sexual assault. Sentencing is scheduled next month for Countess Dracula.

Donald Trump’s social media platform Truth Social will start a streaming tv channel. They’ll air Trump rallies and felony trials in between JAG & NCIS reruns.

A former prosecutor told CNN he worries about the safety of jurors in Trump’s NYC hush money felony trial – especially since they’ll be sequestered at Trump’s Bedminister, New Jersey hotel & golf club.

Drug maker Eli Lilly claims their weight loss drug Zepbound also reduces sleep apnea – mostly because people lose enough belly fat that they can finally sleep face down if they want.

Hollywood producer Carol Baum said she “doesn’t get” it-girl actress Sydney Sweeney, saying she’s “not pretty” and “can’t act”. ….. “Yeah, we don’t care” said male Hollywood producers.

Phoenix, Arizona is holding a tree planting drive, as average temperatures approach 100 degrees. Organizers say they expect shade from the trees to pay off after everyone planting them has been dead for twenty years.

A snake slithering through a passenger car on one of Japan’s bullet trains caused a 17-minute stoppage in the trip from Tokyo to Osaka. The snake was captured and returned to the kitchen so chefs could continue making lunch for the dining car.

The Department of Justice is considering anti-trust action against Ticketmaster/Live Nation for excessive fees and controlling a massive share of the ticketing market. Ticketmaster has already listed seats at the trial for $500 each plus $75 in fees.

Crystal Kung Minkoff announced she’s leaving Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where she was the Bravo series first Asian American cast member. She’s considering joining the cast of Real Housewives of Oklahoma, where she’d be the first Asian to ever live there.

Salvatore ‘Sal the Shoemaker’ Rubino of Sal’s Shoe Repair on Long Island was charged with running an illegal gambling operation out of the shop. Investigators recorded Rubino hitting a customer with a baseball bat over failing to pay $20,000 for new soles on his loafers.

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Walmart agreed to pay $45 million as part of a class action settlement after admitting to overcharging for weighted produce and bags of fruit. This will be a huge payday for the 6 customers who actually bought nutritious food at Walmart.

Donald Trump said he would not support a nationwide abortion ban, saying abortion decisions should be left up to the states, and to women he pays to get them.

A Southwest Airlines-operated Boeing jet made an emergency landing after the cover ripped off an engine during takeoff. Now that doors, tires, fuel, and engine covers have fallen off of airborne Boeing jets, a spokesperson said aircraft safety has officially dropped from their Top Priority to Fifth or Sixth.

The Vatican condemned gender-transition surgery, saying the talent pool of cute altar boys is shallow enough already.

Country music superstar Jelly Roll won three times at the CMT Music Awards in Austin, Texas. Less-popular country singer Vegan Roll was shut out.

U.S. lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation to give all Americans a basic right to digital privacy – that they’ll promptly waive because there’s no way they’re giving up Instagram & Tik Tok.

Lebron James son Bronny, a University of Southern California freshman basketball player, will enter the NBA Draft and the NCAA transfer portal. Bronny averaged 4.8 points per game, and an average GPA of Incomplete.

Maryland’s Governor Wes Moore said some shipping channels around the collapsed Key Bridge in Baltimore harbor have reopened after debris removal ‘equal to the weight of the Statue of Liberty’. “Great, now everyone thinks I’m fat” said Lady Liberty.

140 guests attended the wedding of former CNN Anchor Don Lemon and his partner. It was the first time many of them were invited to a Lemon Party.

In honor of the solar eclipse, Krispy Kreme is offering the Total Solar Eclipse donut – a glazed donut dipped in chocolate and topped with buttercream and an Oreo. They say the temporary diabetic coma from eating it is just like a full-blackout eclipse.

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Fired former Twitter employees are suing Elon Musk for severance payments. These Ex-employees are demanding to be paid like X employees.

Rice Krispies Treats edged out Doritos as the nation’s most popular snack, with voters appreciating how much of them remained stuck to their teeth while they completed the survey.

A guest at the Venetian Las Vegas hotel was bit in the testicles by a scorpion in his bed. He was treated and released at a local hospital, and saved $300 off the going rate for being bit in the testicles in your Las Vegas hotel room.

Millennials are poised to become the richest population group in history, with $90 trillion in wealth expected to be transferred to them from prior generations..if they can just hang on in their boomer parents basements for a few more years.

Bowflex filed for bankruptcy, notifying a judge with a 30-minute infomercial he saw on tv at 12:30a.m.

A new satellite was launched into orbit, with a sole purpose to track methane gas – responsible for 30% of global warming. So far it’s produced a detailed map of cow pastures and Mexican restaurants.

Comedian Nick Swardson was deemed too intoxicated to perform and was escorted off stage 20 minutes in to his set at a Colorado theater. Then they brought out Rob Schneider and the crowd asked if Swardson could return.

Ultra-processed foods such as cereals and fizzy drinks have now been linked to 32 harmful health effects. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes boxes are being updated with Tony The Tiger saying “they’re grrrrreat! for gaining weight!”

The family of porn star Emily Willis started a GoFundMe to raise $60,000 to cover her medical bills after an apparent drug overdose. They were going to start an OnlyFans but the nurses kept ruining the shots.

Viral video shows a turf war brawl outside of a Bangkok hotel between transgender prostitutes from Thailand and the Philippines. Police arrested dozens, who were then released in to the custody of TLC Network executives offering them a reality show.

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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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Retired NBA player Iman Shumpert and partner Daniella Karagach won Season 30 of Dancing With The Stars, beating out favorites Jojo Siwa and Jenna Johnson – showing America prefers interracial couples to two women together.

A fan attacked wrestler Seth Rollins during a WWE Raw televised match at Barclays Center in Brooklyn. A spokesman for WWE said they’re reconsidering future ‘Bring Your Own Folding Chair’ Nights.

Actor Eddie Redmayne said his Oscar-nominated lead role as a transgender woman in The Danish Girl is one of his regrets, adding a trans actor should have played the part. But look for The Danish Girl Again, starring Edna Redmayne.

Chrissy Teigen revealed she had an eyebrow hair transplant, saying the hardest part was getting the hairs pulled from her upper lip.

Many families are asking relatives to get COVID-19 tests before Thanksgiving gatherings. Many dysfunctional families are asking relatives get COVID-19 so they can cancel Thanksgiving gatherings.

NASA announced a delay in the launch of the James Webb Space Telescope due to an “incident”. Speculation is swirling that the incident is James getting caught pointing it at a woman’s bedroom window.

Good Morning America host Michael Strahan accepted Jeff Bezos’ invitation to ride on a Blue Origin rocket, just as soon as they finish cleaning the seat up after William Shatner.

The United Nations is warning that Afghanistan’s financial system is on the brink of collapse, with 1 out of every 3 households lacking a single goat to pay for goods and services.

Author Gigi Gatewood said she and her husband always forget their actual wedding anniversary, so they celebrate it on Black Friday. Gatewood makes the day special every year by promising a special Bedroom Doorbuster.

Taylor Swift’s 10-minute ballad ‘All Too Well’ became the longest song to hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100. However, Daniel Powter’s ‘Bad Day’ still holds the record for #1 song that feels like it lasts 20 minutes.

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The Rolling Stones retired the song ‘Brown Sugar’ over its racially-insensitive lyrics depicting slavery. Motley Crue also considered retiring songs that glamourize drug use and objectify women, before realizing they’d have no songs left.

Podcaster Joe Rogan contracted COVID-19 and is unvaccinated, but thinks Americans should get a vaccine and then get the COVID virus to build amazing antibodies. He’s also thinking of doing the same himself for the flu, AIDS and polio.

Donald Trump urged Republicans to sit out 2022 and 2024 elections unless the GOP acknowledges widespread fraud in the 2020 Presidential Election. Meanwhile Trump’s golf buddies plan to sit out games unless Trump acknowledges fraud on every scorecard he’s ever filled out.

Pakistan Airlines suspended flights to Afghanistan, citing extreme interference from the Taliban. Specifically, female flight attendants are being deemed too sexy when they show their hands to point out the exits or demonstrate how seat belts work.

10,000 United Auto Workers union members went on strike at Deere & Co. – makers of John Deere equipment. Factories have shut down because sympathetic employees won’t stage a Deere crossing of picket lines.

Trans employees and allies at Netflix plan a walkout on Wednesday, October 20th, to protest CEO Ted Sarandos’ comments supporting Dave Chappelle’s special ‘The Closer’, which they believe to be transphobic. Other employees plan a walkout to protest Rob Schneider’s Netflix comedy special just because it’s awful.

This weekend NASA’s 12-year ‘Lucy’ mission to explore Jupiter’s Trojan asteroids begins. Lucy spacecraft are being fortified with extra protection in case one of the Trojans breaks.

Laurel Grove Cemetery in New Jersey denies Jessica Tawil’s claims in a now-viral video that they stacked other bodies in her deceased sister Eman’s burial plot. This, despite a headstone reading ‘Vacancy’.

Cher is suing ex-husband Sonny Bono’s widow, Mary, saying Mary has withheld Cher’s royalties for their 1960s hits like ‘I Got You Babe’. Mary fired her lawyer for not working Pro Bono.

Pro golfer Hideki Matsuyama’s errant tee shot hit a spectator in the head, opening a cut that required six stitches to close, once Matsuyama hit the ball out of his skull with a 9-iron.

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Masterpiece Cakeshop was fined $500 for refusing to make a birthday cake – blue on the outside, pink inside – for transgender woman Autumn Scardina. Scardina then tried to trick the baker by saying it was for a gender reveal party for a 30-year-old. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Tori Spelling told an interviewer she no longer sleeps in the same bed as her husband Dean McDermott, that she sleeps with her kids and her dog. In other news, Tori Spelling’s dog filed for divorce.

Donald Trump said windmills “kill everything” in a recent interview with Fox News Sean Hannity. “Damn right” said the families of birds who died tragically.

Iranians are voting in their Presidential election. “Ayatollah who’s gonna win” said an Iranian pollster.

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic services agency who refused to let gay couples provide homes to foster children. The agency expressed gratitude at the ruling and their continued ability to allow only hetero couples to abuse children.

Daredevil Alex Harvill died while warming up to break the world record for longest motorcycle jump. The coroner said he’ll perform an autopsy once he stops skidding.

Baseball’s Arizona Diamondbacks lost their 22nd consecutive road game. They’re so cold, fans can’t wait for them to return to 118-degree Phoenix.

Golfer Phil Mickelson was visibly upset by a ringing cell phone while playing the 13th hole at the U.S. Open. He demanded the phone be put on silent, but his caddie said it was the fourth time Phil’s wife called to ask when he’s getting home.

Billie Eilish is under fire for allegedly mocking Asians in videos she made in her early teens, when she was known as Beery Irish.

Haiti’s mens soccer team missed out on a chance to qualify for the 2022 World Cup, when goalie Josue Duverger mishandled a defender’s pass for an own goal, and they lost 1-0. Duverger will never be able to silence the haiters.

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Elon Musk attended the grand opening of Tesla’s first auto factory in China. “We can’t wait for eight more years to go by so we can drive the cars!” said assembly workers.

The presiding judge in Harvey Weinstein’s trial threatened to throw Weinstein in jail unless he stopped using his mobile phone in court. Weinstein finally relented and put it away after fifty quick swipes right.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta believes that you can live to 100 if you find your sense of purpose, or “ikigai”. Many women dispute this, saying they’re married to an icky guy and want to die right now. [Story & joke credit to J.O.]

Charmin debuted the ‘Rollbot’, a robot that delivers toilet paper to you when you run out. They invented it because Roomba refused to bring it in there.

Madame Tussaud’s wax museum is being criticized for a statue of Nicki Minaj that looks nothing like her. Tussaud’s admits they got the face wrong, but for the buttocks they just didn’t have enough wax.

Rob Kardashian asked for full custody of his daughter, Dream. He claims her mother, Blac Chyna, has taught the 3-year-old girl how to ‘naked twerk’ and say curse words. The judge denied the request, and congratulateed Dream on getting cast in five different hip-hop music videos.

Fox Networks will air The Masked Singer spinoff The Masked Dancer. Celebrities will attempt to guess the identity of The Masked Dancer, with guesses ranging from “JLo” to “the crackhead at the subway station”.

A new study in the UK finds people who tried ‘Sober January’ in 2018 continued to drink less eight months later, mainly because their friends stopped asking them out to the pub.

Over 72,000 Americans died from alcohol-related deaths in 2017, more than double the number from 20 years earlier. No specific causes were cited for the increase, but doctors noted the introduction of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita around 2012.

Rodrigo Alves, a reality TV star known as the “human Ken Doll”, has come out as transgender and declared their pronouns as “she” and “her”.  Alves, however, reserves the right to switch back, since she has no genitals, just molded plastic reading “Mattel”.

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.

 

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India held its first ever Transgender Women’s Beauty Pageant. Contestants were judged on talent, interviews, evening gowns and a spelling bee.

Lego announced its biggest set ever, the Ultimate Collectors Series Millennium Falcon. The set has 7,541 pieces, costs $799.99 and will never be opened or assembled by anyone.

  • The set is recommended hobbyists 16 years of age and over who live in their parents’ basement.
  • For kids who think they’re getting $799.99 to buy it, consider your Dad the Death Star.

The average age of Dads in the U.S. has increased to over 30. The increase is driven by a higher number of fathers over 40 who are more skilled at talking women out of the need for condoms.

Sean Spicer finally met the Pope, who took a few minutes to ask him about working with Satan.

The FDA approved a new cancer treatment that reprograms autoimmune cells to fight leukemia. President Trump expressed hope that, once Congress reconvenes, they’ll repeal it.

A young father broadcast his 3 year-old child’s temper tantrum timeout on Facebook Live, titling it ‘When spoiled ass kids get told NO in Walmart‘. The video has been viewed over 21 million times; the toddler’s new show on Disney Channel debuts next month.

Wells Fargo bank has discovered another 1.45 million fake accounts, and held a ceremony to award a savings bond to its 3 millionth fake customer.

The U.S. has expelled Russian diplomats from Washington DC, New York City and San Francisco.  Diplomats in Cleveland and Detroit are asking when it’s their turn.

A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy revealed the secret to female orgasms. “Can we talk about it later?” said husbands watching golf.

  • The study cited clitoral stimulation as the key requirement to orgasm. Women reported different preferences in genital touch; 64% of women preferred an up and down motion, 50% preferred circular motion, and 98% cited their male partner touching the wrong place.