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A golfer at Tom Brady’s country club found one of his personalized golf balls, a Titleist labeled with the number 12 and his seven Super Bowl wins. The guy who found it said it felt underinflated.

Southwest Airlines is being criticized for canceling 600 flights and delaying 4,000 others over the last weekend. A spokesperson said the disruption was caused by severe thunderstorm activity, and flight attendants running out of dad jokes.

IKEA introduced a line of LGBTQ+ themed sofas, where gay, trans, and non-binary couples can sit to work things out after brawling about assembling the other furniture.

Justin Bieber asked fans to stop staking out the entrance to his New York apartment. They complied, and were replaced by a different group of fans staking out his New York apartment.

Khloe Kardashian turned 37, and shared a rare photo of her brother, Rob Kardashian. Khloe is believed to be the only photographer who wants a picture of Rob Kardashian.

‘Wonder Woman’ Gal Gadot gave birth to her third child, and was granted three months’ maternity leave by the Super Friends.

TLC Network canceled the Duggar Family reality show, ‘Counting On’, after Josh Duggar’s arrest for child pornography. Pending his trial and sentencing, TLC may give him a new show, ’19 Prison Beatdowns & Counting’.

Kataluna Enriquez became the first transgender woman and first transgender woman of color to win the Miss Nevada USA pageant. “What?!” said her boyfriend.

In the wake of Las Vegas Raiders Carl Nassib coming out, the NFL released a new video proclaiming “football is gay” – a sentiment echoed by a high-school athlete who learned he was cut from the varsity team.

Actress Allison Mack will be sentenced today for her role in the NXIVM sex cult. Mack apologized for the physical and mental harm she caused, adding that it’s been especially damaging to her personal brand.

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The Electoral College meets today and will confirm Joe Biden’s victory over Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential Election. Over 130 Republican Congressmen joined a new Trump lawsuit to confirm his victory in the Electoral Community College.

Video game publisher Electronic Arts acquired Codemasters – publishers of popular Micro Machines games. EA plans to create Grand Theft Auto-type games where players can run over hookers with tiny cars.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians will reportedly change their team name from Indians. Native American leaders praised the move, saying they’ve suffered enough from their hundred-year association with the city of Cleveland.

Google suffered a service outage early Monday, impacting Gmail, search, Google Drive and other services. Although the outage was fixed in an hour, it will be cited as an excuse for “that email I never got” for several months.

Homeland Security confirmed a Russian cyberattack on the U.S. Treasury. The U.S. Mint will trash $10 bills whose backs were engraved with a photo of Donald Trump watching prostitutes urinate on a bed that Barack Obama slept in.

Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins will direct Rogue Squadron – the next entry in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe. Jenkins promises to add lots of women Rebel fighter pilots, and crew who are nervous about flying with them.

Facebook announced its new musical collaboration app, Collab, so users can create songs and videos together despite being in different locations. So far, no takers to collaborate with Lee Greenwood on his new song ‘Trump Won By A Landslide’.

A new ABC News/IPSOS poll finds 8 out of 10 Americans would agree to be inoculated against COVID-19, while respondents in the deep South said they’ll wait for a shot instead.

SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket successfully launched another satellite for SiriusXM radio – allowing the broadcaster to offer 200 more channels of Christmas music.

The UK authorized the trial use of psychedelic hallucinogen dimethyltriptamine – DMT – for use in treatment of depression. Drug makers are looking for several hundred Brits who feel depressed, but really groovy.

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Apple named the most popular apps of 2019. The number one paid iPad app was digital design tool Procreate. The number one iPad activity was watching couples Procreate on porn sites.

Ring admitted they gave police departments maps of installed video doorbells for over a year. They also admitted giving maps of failed video doorbell installs to electricians who actually know what they’re doing.

  • Police departments say they only use the doorbell footage to investigate crime, but dogs say it violates their privacy while they piss on the front steps.

Sony Playstation received a Guinness World Record for top-selling gaming console of all time. The award was accepted by Crash Bandicoot, who then jumped to his death.

Forbes Magazine claims studio execs in charge of the DC Cinematic Universe don’t know what to do with the ‘Superman’ franchise to make him relevant to modern audiences. They’re considering having the Man of Steel identify as Wonder Woman.

North Korea warned the United States if nuclear talks aren’t resumed by December 31st, the U.S. can expect a “nasty Christmas gift.” In related news, North Korea prepaid shipping to the District of Columbia for thousands of Chia Pets.

Chicago’s Police Superintendent, Eddie Johnson, was fired following an investigation of an October incident where he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV. Johnson claimed he had changed his blood pressure medication – from Diovan to Hennessy.

McDonald’s is testing a new fried chicken sandwich in two cities – Houston, Texas and Knoxville, Tennessee.  Houston & Knoxville were selected after representatives from each city won title fights in Popeye’s parking lots.

Growers of the new ‘Cosmic Crisp’ apple say it can last up to a year. They’ve even devised a system where grocery store produce managers message you a year after you buy them, reminding you to throw them out.

Marvel Studios released the first teaser trailer for ‘Black Widow’, along with teaser excuses why it won’t sell as many tickets as their other movies.

WalletHub compiled a list of the 20 Least Safe Cities in the U.S. The most unsafe city in the country? St. Louis. It’s so bad that there, WalletHub changed its name to StolenWalletHub.

 

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Ivanka Trump will be in Pyeongchang to lead the United States delegation during closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. After leaving South Korea she’ll visit underdeveloped Asian regions to see how they’re coming on her fall clothing line.

  • During the ceremonies, Ivanka will wear an old CCCP Soviet Union hockey jersey: Complicit Criminals Cooperating with the President.

Wonder Woman Gal Gadot will be a presenter for this year’s Academy Awards. As a bonus, before the show she’ll be on the red carpet lassoing Harvey Weinstein and other producers to get them to say the horrible things they’ve done.

President Trump advocated for teachers trained to carry firearms in the classroom to “get a little bit of a bonus.” Asked if the gun or ammo would qualify for a tax deduction, he said absolutely not.

Star of Mama June: From Not To Hot June Shannon, who’d recently lost 300 pounds, was rushed to a hospital for emergency eye surgery. Shannon experienced a detached retina, which popped off her eyeball when someone placed a Big Mac and fries in front of her.

President Trump looked at his hair on a television as he addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference, saying he “tries like hell to hide the bald spot.” And, like many of his other plans, it falls apart in a stiff breeze.

West Virginia school teachers launched a statewide walkout, canceling classes in all 55 counties, leaving behind all 50 students.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens was charged with felony invasion of privacy for taking nude photos of his hairdresser and threatening to release them following their sexual affair.  Asked if he had any other nude images, he said no, just those Great Clips.

Mark Roberts, a male streaker with a monkey puppet covering his penis, jumped onto the Olympic speed skating oval and walked around for several minutes. His penis was never exposed, so afterward he met with French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis to exchange wardrobe design tips.

Snapchat stock fell sharply after Kylie Jenner tweeted her dissatisfaction with the app’s redesign. Some executives called it an overreaction. “Kylie Jenner doesn’t like our products either, and we’re fine” said the CEOs of companies making shoelaces and birth control.

A new startup, Buttrcup, lets men & women post “non-pornographic” nude pictures of themselves and collect fees from users who subscribe to their feed. The founders say that Buttrcup is a great way for models to figure out that porn is where the real money is.

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An institutionalized Hawaii man described as a “psychopathic predator” – acquitted of a 1979 murder due to insanity – escaped a psychiatric hospital, took a taxi to Honolulu airport and flew to California. Police captured the fugitive, are reviewing his escape and determining how he booked all of that travel with Marlboro Miles.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a form of digital pill with an embedded sensor that tells your doctor when you take it.  The American Veterinary Association approved a similar pill that tells vets your dog or cat spit their pill out and are hiding under the sofa.

Senator John McCain blasted the U.S. Army for a report that they accept recruits with a history of self-mutilation, telling reporters that mutilation of recruits should be saved for basic training.

A U.S. man with a rare condition is the first to undergo gene editing in the body, and now goes by Jeanne.

The release date of superhero sequel Wonder Woman 2 has been moved six weeks earlier, to November 1st, from December 13th, 2019.  “Good luck with her being ready early” said her old boyfriend.

A rare alligator snapping turtle has been found in the forests of Illinois, the first such sighting in the state in 30 years. The 30-pound female is around 18-years-old and was discovered wandering alone, wondering where all of the cute guys are.

Taylor Swift surprised shoppers at a Nashville Target store with an unannounced  appearance, followed by the release of a store-exclusive diss track “Snake Getting Groceries”, aimed at people who asked her for selfies without buying her Reputation album first.

People magazine named Blake Shelton their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, with the express condition he not write a terrible country song with that title.

Three UCLA men’s basketball players returned with the team from China, where they were detained after allegedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Upon arrival in the U.S., the players updated their Amazon Wish Lists to include “new sunglasses”.

President Trump is breaking with tradition and will not meet the American winners of Nobel Prizes. The White House cited a scheduling conflict with the Arena Football League Champion Philadelphia Soul – assuming they accept.

 

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New research in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology concludes that sexual activity rarely triggers sudden cardiac arrest. However, the odds of a sex-induced heart attack are 10 times higher in men than women. leading to a huge sigh of relief among overweight lesbians.

Target and CVS are now selling facial creams from South Korean brand Peach and Lily that include snail slime. Suppliers are having trouble keeping up with demand, because snails have a notoriously hard time getting in the mood.

A Qatar Airways jet was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a woman searching her husband’s phone midflight discovered he was having an affair and caused a huge commotion.  Qatar Airways said that the husband should have been stoned to death, so the jet landed because there weren’t enough rocks on board.

Fiat Chrysler Automobiles is now shipping the 840 horsepower Dodge Challenger SRT Demon to dealers. The street-legal dragster goes from 0 to 60 mph in 2.3 seconds and reaches 140mph in the quarter-mile. It ships with a range of accessories, including a glove compartment urn for placing the driver’s ashes after they’re scraped up.

Wonder Woman actress Gal Gadot says she will no longer play the superhero in a planned sequel if producer Brett Ratner – accused of sexual harassment – remains attached to it. As backup, 70s TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter is being fitted with custom $30,000 bustiers made of star-spangled Spanx.

An Oklahoma woman who married her biological mother after the two ‘hit it off’ was charged with incest, in a case officials are calling The Oklahoma Family Reunion.

Syndicated gossip columnist Liz Smith is dead at age 94, according to an unnamed source.

Panera Bread is acquiring Au Bon Pain, seeking to double market share among people who like to spend a little extra to be disappointed in their lunch.

Andrew Kreisberg, executive producer of CW Network series Supergirl, The Flash, and Arrow, has been suspended while CW investigates claims of sexual harassment. Kreisberg’s attorney says his client looks forward to a speedy resolution by the Justice League.

A Dartmouth College researcher captured what is believed to be the first known footage of a crab hunting and killing a live seabird with its claws. The crab was just trying to enjoy a relaxing day at the beach with its family.

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The Centers for Disease Control recorded over 2 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis & chlamydia in 2016 – the highest annual number ever recorded. The record-breaking year was celebrated with a lavish party at Tinder headquarters.

A male music teacher is being investigated for possibly giving grade school students wind instruments contaminated with his semen as part of the ‘Flutes Across the World’ music instruction program. Lab analysts are busy trying to separate the flutes contaminated with the instructor’s bodily fluid from the ones used by kids that like GoGurt.

Many eyes will be on NBA players as preseason games begin. Commissioner Adam Silver reminded teams NBA rules require that players stand for the National Anthem. However the league has yet to intervene to force NBA players to do things they don’t want to do, like play defense.

Filmmaker James Cameron has been slammed for his remarks calling this summer’s Wonder Woman movie a ‘step backward’ for women because of lead actress Gal Gadot’s beauty and form-fitting bustier costume. To back up his criticism, Cameron said all the female Na’vi in the Avatar sequels will get digital breast reductions and wear extra-large sweatshirts.

Justin Timberlake is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime performer. Janet Jackson may join him to reunite their pairing from the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction 14 years ago — but just to watch Timberlake while she breastfeeds her son.

As President Trump’s war of words with the Mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico continued, Vice President Mike Pence visited FEMA headquarters to ensure that Puerto Rico would be able to receive large shipments of thoughts and prayers.

The Wall Street Journal profiled a food executive who is starting a new form of yoga done while standing on a floating paddleboard. Her favorite position is the sun salute; her least favorite is drownward dog.

The stars of Sex and the City confirmed to tv’s ‘Extra’ that there will be no Sex and the City 3 movie. However, ‘Menopause in the City’ is still a possibility.

The Flatliners remake bombed at the box office over the weekend, leaving entertainment writers struggling for a word to describe it.

Actresses Kristen Stewart and Lupita Nyong’o are rumored to be in consideration for another Charlie’s Angels reboot. This time, the story focuses on three women spies that men aren’t all that interested in and vice-versa.

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Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged unwanted sexts he sent to several female coworkers. Bolling is host of ‘The Five’, named for the sexts.

  • Bolling becomes the latest man at Fox News to be the subject of sexual harassment allegations, following late founder Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, and almost all of Fox News Penis Photography Division.

Anny Divya, a 30 year-old woman, is the youngest commander/pilot of a Boeing 777 after receiving her certification from Air India. Passengers can expect to hear that they’ve totally reached their cruising altitude of, like, 35,000 feet or whatever.

10 people were injured when a flight from Greece to Philadelphia hit severe turbulence as it neared landing. Passengers described their experience as “terrifying” – both the experience of flight, and the experience of being in Philadelphia.

Swiss bank UBS released a study claiming that using self-flying, pilotless planes could save airlines $35 Billion per year, but that only 17% of passengers would welcome flying in a pilotless plane. The other 83% of respondents were sober.

A marijuana growing company purchased the entire town of Nipton, California for $5 million. Many of the small town’s 20 residents hope to be hired by the grower, register for employee benefits, then never show up for work again.

Vice President Mike Pence dismissed reports that he was considering a 2020 Presidential run as “disgraceful & offensive”. And, in all likelihood, true.

Atlanta firm Cardlytics – a research company specializing in tracking credit card spending – says young U.S. residents are spending less on gasoline and more on boutique fitness classes. The research is validated by Uber drivers who are so sick of hearing about your Soul Cycle class.

Bill and Hillary Clinton attended a screening of ‘Wonder Woman’. Bill stayed until the end, Hillary walked out when she realized it wasn’t about her.

A pop-up tornado in Tulsa, Oklahoma injured over 30 people, including six diners at a TGIFriday’s. None of their injuries were life-threatening, mostly related to flying debris and endless mozzarella sticks.

A New Jersey surgeon is believed to be among the first to use a plastic, 3d-printed skull implant on a human. The patient is expected to make a full recovery and resume smashing beer cans in to his head at the Jersey Shore.

 

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Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas is set to open the first Wonder Woman roller coaster. It’s not very tall, but it has great curves.

  • The ride will be called Wonder Woman – Lasso of Truth. Guys can buy pictures of their girlfriends slapping them while on the coaster, as they helplessly blurt out the names of other girls they’d rather be riding it with.

Lara Trump, President Trump’s daughter-in-law, is the host of  a “news” video airing on Trump’s Facebook page. The video, meant to tout the Trump Administration’s accomplishments of the prior week, is set to air every six months.

  • No official name for the video yet, though the Trump camp is said to be fond of ‘Face News’.

NBC announced that Sylvester Stallone will be a guest on their hit series ‘This Is Us’, or as Stallone calls it, ‘Dishes Uh’. Insiders say Stallone will make 3 really great guest appearances, then another 3 or 4 really corny ones that you’ll never admit to watching.

The 1997 Honda Accord and the 1998 Honda Civic were the most-stolen vehicles in 2016. Honda’s CEO accepted the award from the editors of ‘Hot Car & Getaway Driver’ Magazine.

  • 2006 Ford Pickups rounded out the Top 3 most stolen. Thieves praised the payload of the Ford, saying it’s big enough to hold a 1998 Honda Civic.

Kissimmee and St Cloud, Florida are the first U.S. cities to experiment with using underground dumpsters to collect and hold city trash. Other Florida cities are balking at the half-million dollar expense, saying they’ll just wait and make underground dumpsters out of the sinkholes that open up.

Transcripts of Trump’s conversations with leaders of Australia & Mexico leaked to the press, including one in which Trump called New Hampshire a “drug infested den”. In Trump’s defense, he saw the slogan on New Hampshire license plates.

The Kennedy Center announced its 2017 honorees, including Gloria Estefan, LL Cool J, Lionel Richie and Norman Lear. After the list was read, Trump hurriedly made calls to soothe the hurt feelings of devastated artists Kid Rock & Ted Nugent.

CEO Shari McCoy is resigning from Avon, saying that while she will no longer be an Avon Lady, she looks forward to new challenges selling crap out of the trunk of her car.

 

 

 

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Michael Phelps lost his race with a great white shark during an event to kick off Discovery Channel Shark Week. The result is not yet official, since the shark has yet to submit a urine sample.

  • Phelps told Jimmy Fallon he wished he could have swam in the open water instead of a protective cage. The shark agreed.

An alligator was spotted and captured swimming near a pier in Miami Beach. Alligators are fresh water creatures, but experts assume it left for the beach because there are more people to eat there.

Donald Trump dedicated the newest naval aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford. Somehow the aircraft carrier received a 35% approval rating in a Washington Post poll.

Reports say Trump has been consulting his legal experts regarding the extent of his Presidential power to pardon. Given the number of family and staff under Federal investigation, “A Thousand Pardons” may go from being an Asian cliche to being Trump’s exit strategy.

Chris Froome won his 3rd consecutive Tour de France. Froome said his title effort took a lot of tainted blood, tainted sweat & tainted tears.

The Department of Labor ordered Wells Fargo Bank to rehire a manager who acted as whistleblower in the company’s fake account scandal, and to pay her $577,500 in back wages. Wells Fargo plans to appeal the ruling and will place the money in six checking accounts that she never asked for.

The robbery of a Fresno CA Starbucks by a man wearing a Transformers mask was foiled when a customer hit him over the head with a chair. The Decepticon was captured and the hero transformed back in to a cappuccino machine.

A Detroit real estate company ad sparked outrage. The Bedrock Detroit outdoor ad with the slogan “See Detroit Like We Do” depicted mostly white people, despite the City of Detroit being 82% black. The ad was removed, and still nobody is all that interested in seeing Detroit.

The Estate of Albert Einstein corrected an Ivanka Trump tweet, which incorrectly attributed a quote “If the facts don’t support the theory, change the facts” to Einstein, even though he never said it. Ivanka replied “there you go, changing the facts.”

Snooty, the world’s oldest manatee in captivity, died just days after his 69th birthday – as the nationwide opioid epidemic claims yet another victim.

Warner Bros and DC Comics announced a Wonder Woman sequel at San Diego Comic Con, after meeting Diana Prince’s demands to be paid ‘Bruce Wayne money’.