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Hip-hop star Megan Thee Stallion told Essence magazine about spending her first Christmas without her mother. Asked if she was sad, Thee Stallion clomped once for ‘yes’.

The last solar eclipse of the year, not visible in North America, was viewable via live streams and YouTube. It’s the first eclipse you had to skip ads to see.

The same-sex kiss in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, was edited out for cinemas in Singapore. It was either that, or the gay couple had to accept their punishment being candy caned.

Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park broke a record, erupting 47 times in 2019. Steamboat thanked Geyagra.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, eating in a 6-hour window and fasting for 18 hours may help you live longer, provided the 6 hours doesn’t include a stop at Checkers.

A newly married 26-year-old woman was charged with defrauding her 77-year-old husband, cashing checks for almost $1 million. On the same day, she was arraigned & held on bail, and her story was made into a Lifetime tv movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio’s mother is reportedly worried that if he remains noncomittal, Leo will drive model/girlfriend Camilla Morrone away. For his part, Leo is worried his model/girlfriend won’t take the hint.

Miley Cyrus settled her divorce from Liam Hemsworth on what would have been their 1-year anniversary. Appropriate, since the traditional First Anniversary gift is Paper.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their daughter North a coat once owned by Michael Jackson as a gift for her 6th birthday. They then rushed her to the ER after she ate the quaaludes she found in the pockets.

University of Memphis Athletic Director Laird Veitch wished his former head football coach Mike Norvell well in his new job at Florida State, telling FSU officials they “hit a home run”. Veitch added “I’m not good at sports metaphors.”

 

 

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A family in Georgia found a live screech owl living in their family Christmas tree. With assistance from a local wildlife expert, the owl eventually left. “Finally” said the rat and two squirrels also living in the tree.

Rivers Casino in Philadelphia was fined $62,500 for allowing three different underage gamblers to play slots and table games. They were discovered after becoming belligerent with cocktail servers about the time it was taking to get their juice boxes.

Eight-year-old Ryan Kaji, who reviews toys on YouTube, was named the video platform’s top earner in 2019, with $26 million. Meanwhile, an anonymous 18-year-old woman was named Pornhub’s highest earner, getting four free t-shirts.

Christianity Today, an evangelical magazine, called for Donald Trump’s removal from the presidency, in what’s being called their most scathing prayer ever.

Nancy Pelosi said she’s waiting to send Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, until there’s more clarity on the rules governing President Trump’s trial, and because she hasn’t found the right Hallmark card to put them in.

The film adaptation of ‘Cats’ garnered mostly negative reviews, which is what happens when filmmakers and cats go outside of the box.

American Airlines is now offering non-binary gender designations for air travelers. In addition to ‘he’ and ‘she’, ‘they’ and ‘them’ can now be treated horribly and get bumped.

A middle school principal in Iowa apologized for taking away pizzas purchased by a teacher as a reward for her class.  The letter was signed ‘Principal Noid’.

The world’s oldest fossil forest, 385 million years old, was uncovered in the upstate New York town of Cairo. “We prefer to be called a senior living facility”, said a manager.

Camille Schrier of Virginia was crowned the new Miss America, in the evening gown-and-swimsuit-free updated version of the competition, dubbed Miss America 2.0. All judges agreed that Schrier’s Miss America 2.0 is at least a solid 7.5.

 

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The FBI raided the New Jersey home of YouTube star Omar “Omi in a Hellcat” Carrasquillo, seizing over 30 high-end cars and other belongings for alleged tax evasion. On the bright side, Omi’s seizure video went viral, and all the FBI agents liked and subscribed.

Comcast/Xfinity released a four-minute commercial starring E.T. and Henry Thomas as Elliott, reprising their roles from the beloved 80s film. The visit backfires on Comcast as E.T. returns to space and rigs free satellite TV for Elliott.

Randi Chaverria, a 36-year-old family & consumer science teacher in Texas who won Teacher of the Year last May, resigned amidst allegations she performed oral sex on a student in her classroom. When she finished, the other students asked if that was going to be on the test.

President Trump made a surprise visit to Afghanistan, telling troops that talks with the Taliban have restarted over a possible peace “deal”. Details are scarce, but are believed to center on the Taliban investigating Pete Buttigieg in exchange for a lot of goats.

The FDA issued a warning for so-called “opioid withdrawal” products, sold under the names Detoxoplex, Sinoplex and Keurig.

A couple who learned their Denny’s waitress walked 14 miles to and from work to save money returned after their meal and gave the waitress a 2011 Nissan Sentra. The waitress finished her shift and was ticketed for driving without insurance.

Ole Miss football WR Elijah Moore was penalized for doing an all-fours urinating dog celebration in the end zone following a touchdown. Moore would have been given a bad dog timeout, but the coach was out of them.

Some Walmart shoppers are threatening to boycott the stores after it was revealed workers don’t receive extra pay to work on Thanksgiving. However, most Walmart shoppers asked each other what “boycott” means.

  • Some stores such as Macy’s, Target & JCPenney pay overtime for holiday work. KMart does not, but they have something called Going Out Of Business Pay.

Military aircraft were scrambled when radar detected an unknown “slow moving blob” approaching air space near the White House. It has yet to be identified, with speculation that it was either a large flock of birds, or Attorney General William Barr hang-gliding.

Philadelphia Eagles QB Carson Wentz and his wife Madison are expecting a child. The completed pass to her egg raised Wentz’s QB Rating for the first time in a month.

 

 

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Science & art festival ‘Maker Faire’ has halted operations and laid off all 22 employees, many of whom can now be seen at ‘Job Faire’.

New York City’s Four Seasons luxury restaurant is closing, after finding diners preferred Five Guys.

An 81-year-old Florida man is suing Jaguar, saying the automatic door on his $96,000 car tore off a portion of his thumb. He plans to take the fight all the way to the Supreme Court of Rich White Guy Problems.

Brad Pitt ordered organizers of the controversial Straight Pride Parade to stop using his likeness in their promotions. Straight Pride leaders are unfazed, having already secured Toby Keith as backup.

Dunkin’ warned customers of its Turnersville, NJ location they may have been exposed to Hepatitis A if they visited the store between May 18 and June 1, or if they ate a Glazed Hepatitis donut.

A Pakistan Airlines passenger delayed his flight by seven hours, opening the emergency exit door before departure, thinking it was the bathroom. He jumped on the inflatable emergency slide and messed up the tarmac.

Justin Bieber Tweeted to challenge Tom Cruise to a cage fight – ideally, to the death of both.

O.J. Simpson said in a telephone interview that he now lives a solitary life in Las Vegas, in what he calls the “No Negative Zone” – he only wants to be around, and murder, positive people.

YouTube superstar JoJo Siwa had her tween make up kit recalled from retailer Claire’s after the FDA found asbestos in it. Besides the mesothelioma risk, the FDA said that asbestos would prevent young girls from looking like ‘fire’.

Celine Dion ended her 16-year residency at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. With Dion’s show ending and Britney Spears on hiatus, Carrot Top has started singing lessons.

 

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Anne Hathaway said that she’s going to stop drinking alcohol for the next 18 years while she raises her child. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, then you realize at some point she’ll be reading reviews of ‘The Princess Diaries 3′.

A petition is circulating to get Maroon 5 to cancel their Super Bowl halftime show in support of NFL players’ right to protest, and also because it’s Maroon 5.

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that they’ll be offering the first ocean liner with an on-board roller coaster. The coaster will allow Carnival passengers who manage to avoid rampant norovirus to also get seasick.

John Travolta, in an interview with Us Weekly, credited the Church of Scientology with helping him through the unexpected death of his son 10 years ago – calling it some of the best money he’s ever spent.

YouTube says it will recommend fewer videos that spread political misinformation and conspiracy theories. Coming on the heels of their recently-announced ban of dangerous prank videos, people are justifiably questioning what’s left to watch.

Nike announced a deal to become Major League Baseball’s official uniform and footwear supplier starting in 2020. They asked for a one-year delay to allow time to find baseball players to kneel on the dugout steps during the National Anthem.

Ben Affleck was photographed leaving a dentist’s office with his mouth packed so full of cotton he couldn’t close it. He then checked into rehab for novocaine addiction.

Billionaire Michael Bloomberg used a speech in Virginia to liken Donald Trump to Freddy Krueger, adding that “instead of ..Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve got Trump and the Nightmare on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”. Critics were swift to point out the flaw, in that Freddy Krueger was actually pretty good at his job.

The air traffic controllers union says that flight delays at Laguardia, Newark & Philadelphia airports are a direct result of the government shutdown. While the baggage handlers union at Philadelphia’s airport say flight delays are hindering their ability to lose and steal luggage.

FBI agents stormed the Florida home of Roger Stone before dawn, arresting him on charges stemming from the Mueller investigation. A confused, agitated Stone appeared at his front door in pajamas, telling the middle-aged men that brunch didn’t start for five more hours.

 

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Volkswagen is investing $800 million in a Tennessee auto factory to make next-generation electric vehicles. However, they’re having hiring issues because most Tennesseans don’t think cars can really run on electricity.

Antarctica is melting six times as much ice mass as it was 40 years ago. That’s bad news for global warming, but good news for whales and penguins wanting more space of their own to swim in.

Pacific Gas & Electric – California’s largest power utility – plans to declare bankruptcy in the wake of liability costs for massive wildfires they allegedly started. The company could end up so broke, they’ll have to shut off their own electricity.

A 34-year-old Indiana woman threw 4 bras & 14 panties she’d shoplifted at Kohl’s out of a moving car going 97 mph while being pursued by police. “Wow, how many naked women are in that car?!” asked excited cops who joined the pursuit late and didn’t know what was going on.

Dutch astronaut André Kulpers accidentally dialed 911 while placing a call from the International Space Station. The call triggered an alert at NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. An operator told Kulpers to stay on the line, Houston police would be there in about 5 months.

‘Big Daddy’ Don Garlits, Joe Amato and other drag racing legends will come out of retirement to drag race in the National Hot Rod Association Legends Tour. All are excited to have one last chance to die doing what they love.

Facebook is planning to allow users to message people who reply that they’re ‘interested’ in an Event. Now you can ask ‘interested’ attendees “why aren’t you coming?”

Apple’s AirPower mat – where you rest multiple Apple devices to charge simultaneously – has reportedly gone into production. Apple recommends placing the mat on a high shelf so that your iPhones and AirPods fall off and break so you buy new ones.

Spotify struck a deal with India’s largest record label, agreeing to become the largest global streaming service to offer weird, snake-charmer-sounding music.

Comcast’s NBC Universal announced a streaming tv service to compete with Netflix, Hulu and others – but which will be free for Comcast Xfinity cable subscribers. It’s targeted to people who want to lie about being cord-cutters who like lousy customer service.

YouTube updated the navigation controls in its mobile app, making it that much harder to skip through your friend’s standup comedy videos.

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Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts commented that federal judges must end sexual abuse & harassment. “You said it, boss!” remarked Clarence Thomas & Brett Kavanaugh.

Jeanne Calment, – record-holder for world’s oldest person – who died in 1997 at the age of 122 may have lied about her age. A mathematician alleges Calment took the identity of her dead mother. Calment now holds the record for dumbest woman ever to lie about her age by making it older.

YouTube celebrity Cameron Dallas was arrested after allegedly bloodying the face of a fellow guest at his Aspen hotel. Dallas was charged with assault, the victim got a bunch of hits.

Massachusetts raised the legal age for smoking tobacco cigarettes from 19 to 21. The legal age for smoking Juul and other vaping devices remains “anyone old enough to have thirty bucks.”

The state of Illinois approved bright pink as second safety color for outdoor hunters, giving them an additional option to traditional bright orange. Hunters wearing pink and orange together will be ticketed for poor taste.

Vermont will pay remote workers employed by out-of-state companies up to $10,000 to move to the state. President Trump is moving 500,000 federal government workers to Vermont to pay for his $5 billion border wall.

The state of Ohio will require public school students to be capable of reading & writing printed letters by the end of third grade, and cursive before completing the fifth grade – unless, of course, they’ve been given football scholarships to Ohio State before then.

A Chipotle customer in Malden, Massachusetts bit into a chicken burrito and chipped his tooth on a half-inch metal nail. Chipotle apologized, and said they’ll try a different way to keep burritos from unfolding.

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An Alabama woman dressing for Halloween required emergency surgery to remove the $3 vampire teeth that became stuck in her mouth. The dentist said the woman’s surgery was difficult because she’s one of the few people in Alabama with real teeth for the fake ones to stick to.

The NFL Cleveland Browns fired coach Hue Jackson, just days after the NBA Cleveland Cavaliers fired their coach Ty Lue. “Goodnight Lue. Goodnight Hue..”

A couple on a Carnival Cruise alerted the crew to the presence of a camera recording activity in their cabin. After inspecting the camera, a crewman asked if they’d like to switch rooms with a much better looking couple.

Off the coast of Monterey, California, the world’s largest deep-sea octopus nursery was discovered, with over 1,000 female octopuses struggling to get all eight of their newborns’ legs in their onesies.

A same-sex married female couple are the first to carry the same baby in each of their bodies. Bliss Coulter started by carrying the baby until eggs fertilized in her body, then the embryos were transferred to her wife, Ashleigh, who later delivered the baby. Other lesbians have viewed their DIY YouTube video over a million times.

The New England Patriots were expected to discipline wide receiver Josh Gordon for lateness by benching him for the first quarter of their game in Buffalo against the Bills. They decided to start Gordon anyway, and punish him by leaving him in Buffalo for an extra day.

HYLA Mobile, a smartphone trade-in company, reports that Americans are waiting longer than ever – an average of 2.8 years – to upgrade their phone. The study excludes owners who buy the insurance and spike their phone on the sidewalk once they’re sick of it.

Reese’s will put out a vending machine in NYC that lets trick-or-treaters deposit unwanted treats to trade for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. No word on whether the machine accepts drugs and needles.

A school bus driver in Texas was arrested for attempting to drive through a barricade and into raging floodwaters with a student riding on the bus…and three more students water-skiing behind it.

Four shots were fired into a Republican Party office in Florida, which is how Republicans had asked to be notified that their pizza arrived.

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Facebook is in talks with banks to add your personal financial information to Messenger. “You Are Now Connected to the Hacker Who Will Drain Your Checking Account On Messenger” reads the notification that Facebook is preparing.

Bankruptcies among senior citizens have tripled since 1991 — explaining the Osmond Family Good Time Review playing to near-empty theaters in Branson, Missouri.

The long-horned tick, an invasive new species, is spreading in the U.S. The tick sucks up so much blood it can barely stand on its own. Experts say if you see one, grab it by its cane or walker and kill it.

Police were called after Kendall Jenner’s Doberman pinscher bit a young girl at an outdoor café. Jenner at first denied it, but was then showed the dog’s 500,000-follower Instagram account where it posted a picture biting the child’s hand with the caption “OMG I luv me sum bites on baby hands”.

The United States moved to restore economic sanctions against Iran that have been waived for the past two years. Among them, Iran will no longer be able to spend U.S. dollars, and their Amazon Prime privileges will be revoked, so they’ll have to settle for standard shipping.

Former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was spotted boarding Air Force One for President Trump’s trip to a campaign rally in Ohio. However, since Hicks was in Boarding Group 6, she had to gate-check her bag because the overhead bins were all full of Diet Coke and KFC.

Singer Carrie Underwood is catching heat for saying that, at age 35, she thinks she missed out on the chance to have a “big family” to join her husband and 3-year-old son. Meanwhile three different 40+ Duggar women gave birth to seven children in the time it took Underwood to finish her quote.

Apple, Spotify, YouTube & Facebook removed Alex Jones InfoWars content. Jones and his fans complained but the four platforms said it never happened, it was all a hoax.

A masked man entered the studio of Wisconsin radio station WORT FM and fired a gun at three disc jockeys working there. One dj was struck in the buttocks and was treated for minor injuries; the other two were uninjured. The shooter remains at large, still angry that they wouldn’t play ‘Mr. Roboto.’

According to a CNBC profile, fewer than 1% of applicants to be Delta Airlines flight attendants get the job, compared to 4.8% of Harvard applicants who are accepted. “What’s Harvard Airlines?” asked a new Delta flight attendant.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints will be the first two teams to welcome men to their respective cheerleading squads this season. The men will be held to the same rules against fraternizing with the players — you know which ones.

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An Obamacare rule requiring food-selling establishments to list calorie counts on menus and displays takes effect this week. Cinnabon and Popeye’s will list calories, but their menu boards read “You’d Better Sit Down First”.

Don Gorske of Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, ate his 30,000th Big Mac at a local McDonald’s. Gorske, 64, is a retired prison guard with obsessive compulsive disorder. He said one of the few days he failed to eat a Big Mac is the day his mother died in 1988, when they put a McDLT in his bag by mistake.

First Lady Melania Trump will unveil her policy goals this week, which are expected to include the ‘Separate Beds’ Policy and the ‘Adultery Voids the Prenup’ Policy.

Fifty guest rooms were flooded when a water line broke on a Carnival cruise ship. The passengers said it was the worst Carnival cruise experience they’d had since the last Carnival cruise they were on.

St. Louis Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina will miss at least four weeks following emergency surgery after a 102 mph pitch was fouled into his groin. The team’s equipment manager will use the time to develop a protective cup with an air bag that inflates on impact.

Researchers using radar scans concluded that King Tut’s tomb does not have any hidden chambers, and that he just hid hieroglyphic porn under his bed like everybody else.

YouTube removed hundreds of videos posted by a Ukrainian company called EduBirdie, that sold essays to students looking to cheat on their homework. YouTube was following up on complaints from high school students who received Fs on their ‘Moby Dick’ book reports because they were written in Ukrainian.

‘Avengers: Infinity War’ passed the $1 Billion revenue mark at the box office, which still isn’t good enough to make your cheap, lazy-ass friend stop bitching about ‘spoilers’ and go.

Gina Haspel, nominee to become new Director of the CIA, is rumored to have tried to withdraw her nomination. Critics say Haspel oversaw various torture programs while interrogating terror suspects – including waterboarding, and serving her homemade meatloaf.

Molten lava from the eruption of Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano has forced evacuations, destroyed dozens of homes, and prevented Greg Brady from returning the sacred idol to the tomb where he found it.