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Planet Fitness is offering free memberships to teens this summer. Teens are welcome to get in shape, or to bully overweight paying members while they eat free pizza.

Google is adding its Bard artificial intelligence tool to search results, to address “questions you never thought Search could answer”. So far, Bard has been bom-bard-ed with “Why is my wife mad at me?”

A couple in the UK is raising their kids with ‘child autonomy’ – where the children make their own choices for schooling, food, bed times & chores. They say it’s cheaper because none of the kids has made it past age six.

Joran van der Sloot, convicted of murder in Peru, will be extradited to the U.S. to face charges in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway in 2005. He will return to Peru after his U.S. trial, breaking a record for airline miles earned by a double-murderer.

Gen Z women are embracing the ‘everything shower’, where they take hours-long showers to do all of their personal grooming. Then they lie flat for several hours waiting for their skin to unpucker before hiding when their parents get the water bill.

Amazon is debuting free Fire TV channels – to the delight of cheapskate seniors, which quickly switches to frustration when they realize they need a wifi password to watch old Andy Griffith Shows.

The Philadelphia Flyers named former enforcer Keith Jones as Director of Hockey Operations. Jones promised to return the team to playoff caliber, and to personally beat up anyone who disagrees with him.

An Australian vegan family has gone viral for their letter to a neighbor, where they ask to keep the windows closed when they cook meat because it makes them ill. The family then drove past an Arby’s and are in critical condition after multiple seizures.

A new study claims cannabis use is implicated in 30% of schizophrenia cases. The other 70% are trying to find out where the 30% get their weed.

Bravo host Andy Cohen asked The View co-host Sunny Hostin which of the panelists farts the most on-air. Hostin quickly replied Whoopi Goldberg, but also added Goldberg is nowhere near Rosie O’ Donnell’s record totals.

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A jury found Donald Trump liable for the sexual assault & defamation of E. Jean Carroll, awarding Carroll $5 million in damages. They could not find Trump liable of rape. Trump reacted to the decision, calling it a “full & complete exoneration”.

In the wake of his sexual assault judgment, Trump will appear in a live CNN Town Hall meeting with registered Republican voters, who are expected to grill him with tough questions about his golf scores.

Mayim Bialik sitcom ‘Call Me Kat‘ was not renewed by Fox, who Call It Kancelled.

Congressman George Santos was arrested and charged with multiple felonies including wire fraud and money laundering. Santos said he’ll respond to the charges at a news conference with his attorney Johnnie Cochran.

Ousted Fox News host Tucker Carlson said he’ll relaunch his show on Twitter, once he convinces the My Pillow Guy to pay his $8/month for verification.

The Westminster Kennel Club awarded Best In Show honors to a petit basset griffon Vendeen named Buddy Holly. The dog then wisely refused to fly to the next dog show with runners up, chihuahua Ritchie Valens and Great Dane Big Bopper.

The NFL will broadcast its first-ever Black Friday game on the day after Thanksgiving, as the New York Jets host the Miami Dolphins. The first 10,000 fans will receive a free 75-inch HDTV, so the game can replicate the trampling experience of a Walmart.

A co-founder of artificial intelligence lab Deepmind says AI will create a ‘serious number of losers’ in the job market. Asked how many losers, he said “more than all the fast food workers combined.”

A Kansas man was pulled over and arrested for DUI while wearing a Bud Light can costume. He failed a field sobriety test when he couldn’t close his eyes and touch his pull tab.

Britney Spears is again causing concern, with rumors that she drinks caffeinated beverages ‘by the gallon’ and stays awake for days on end. She was captured ordering a triple espresso and telling the barista to ‘hit me baby, ten more times’.

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Fans were forced to wait four hours huddled in covered areas for the start of Taylor Swift’s Nashville concert Sunday due to lightning & rain, leading to some experiencing blackouts, panic attacks and vomiting. Some moms were unable to get tickets for their daughters, leading to blackouts, panic attacks & vomiting.

A jury began deliberations in the rape trial of Donald Trump, following the judge’s instructions to at least sit down and warm the chairs before returning with their guilty verdict.

The owners of a sandwich shop successfully sued the city of Phoenix to have a large homeless encampment removed, saying they routinely find drug paraphernalia and excrement in front, giving potential customers two more reasons not to eat at Subway.

A Philadelphia restaurant has an entire menu composed of soft pretzels, and an entire dessert menu composed of antacid and laxatives.

Investigators believe a meteorite crashed through the roof of a home in Hopewell Township, New Jersey. Attempts to contact Superman to intercept the meteorite were unsuccessful, since even he doesn’t like visiting North Jersey.

Forte, the favorite to win the Kentucky Derby, was scratched and did not race. Forte entered a rehab facility and requests privacy during this difficult time.

A mother of three who wrote a children’s book about dealing with grief from the loss of a loved one was charged with her husband’s murder. She’s writing a follow-up book where children’s grief turns to anger.

Five Chicago gay bars are boycotting Anheuser-Busch products as the brewer distances itself from a promo partnership with a transgender influencer. An Anheuser=Busch spokesman said losing gays won’t hurt nearly as bad as losing all of the rednecks.

Usher and Chris Brown reportedly got in a fistfight in the parking lot at Brown’s birthday party, in case you were wondering what Usher has in common with Rihanna.

Two violent felons who escaped a Philadelphia prison were marked ‘Present’ by guards at three separate counts after they’d fled. The guards defended their reporting, saying they reported the two present at a nearby Hooters.

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Leonard Serrani, owner of a Brazilian waxing salon in Wayne Township, PA, is accused of inappropriate contact with multiple clients, who accuse him of waxing off.

Lehigh University’s ‘Lehigh Lightsaber Club’ students commemorated May 4th, ‘Star Wars Day’ with a costumed gathering. In turn, the Lehigh University football team marked the occasion by beating up everyone in the Lightsaber Club.

Fans accuse Kardashian matriarch-slash-‘momager’ Kris Jenner of ‘Ozempic body’ after seeing photos showing her weight loss. Jenner denies using the injection, saying she had her fat liposuctioned out so her daughters could fill their lips with it.

The leader of Wagner Group, a team of Russian mercenaries hired to fight in the attempted takeover of Ukraine, said he’s pulling his fighters out due to lack of ammunition. They were seen boarding trucks leaving Ukraine’s Bakhmut region after turning in their Nerf guns.

A jury found Ed Sheeran not guilty of plagiarizing Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On‘. Now, jurors are suing for emotional damages after having to listen to Sheeran repeatedly sing during his testimony.

A New Zealand woman discovered the pimple on the end of her nose was cancerous. She’s in good health after a surgical team popped her cancer.

Pranksters mowed the shape of a giant penis into a large lawn where a party for King Charles’ Coronation is set to take place. It’s expected to be the second-biggest dick at the party after Piers Morgan.

A 51-year-old New York woman was arrested twice for drunk driving in the span of three hours. The arresting officer said she failed the second breathalyzer, but honestly aced the second field sobriety test because she’d been practicing.

A Florida man entered a women’s poker tournament at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino and won. His good luck continued when he met a woman after collecting his winnings and pulled off an inside straight.

Jenny Craig is closing for good. The business will lose 1,000 people, or about 150,000 pounds.

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Whoopi Goldberg announced she’s co-written a graphic novel, The Change, about a grandmother named Isabel whose menopause gives her superpowers, including hot flashes that can melt both steel and her enemies.

Jon Bon Jovi says he has no issue with his 20-year-old son Jake getting engaged to 19-year-old actress Millie Bobbie Brown – saying young love eventually worked out for his dockworker friend Tommy and his waitress girlfriend Gina.

Tile, maker of tracking devices used to locate personal items, introduced Tile for Cats, a device you can attach to a feline’s collar to tell you that the cat is on the sofa 99% of the time.

A Delaware Boy Scout leader, Gary Matta, was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual activity with a male youth between 1989 and 1992. Matta’s case is unique among Boy Scout leaders in that he only abused Scouts for four years.

Three separate road rage shootings have taken place on Philadelphia highways within the past two weeks. In response, the Philadelphia Welcome Center rest stop on Interstate 95 will install vending machines that sell bullets.

A Frontier Airlines flight atttendant asked passengers to vote whether a disruptive passenger should be kicked off the flight. The passenger was removed, but then passengers asked if they could vote themselves off so they could fly a better airline.

A pregnant woman who allegedly reeked of alcohol was refused boarding on a Spirit Airlines flight, then beat up the gate agent. The woman was arrested, and Spirit said the gate agent will be retrained so that she doesn’t lose fistfights with passengers.

Viral video shows a homeless man stopping a baby stroller from rolling on to a busy highway. Then the baby still has the nerve to tell the guy he doesn’t have any change.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Logan Webb claims 75% of the team has diarrhea after playing two games in Mexico City. Ironically, they lost both games because the San Diego Padres had lots more runs.

A 27-year-old New Jersey teacher & marching band director was arrested for having a two-year sexual affair with a student. She wanted to have sex with somebody cool, so she sure as hell wasn’t going to sleep with anyone in marching band.

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U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy claims loneliness is an epidemic that’s as dangerous to Americans’ health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Cigarette giant Altria doubled down on the report, introducing new Marlboro for Incels.

The Writers Guild of America went on strike, shutting down television & movie production. Writers are seeking better pay, a share of streaming revenues, and for artificial intelligence ChatGPT to be fired as head writer for ‘Young Sheldon‘.

Russia destroyed two drones flying near the Kremlin, then accused Ukraine of attempting to assassinate Vladimir Putin with them. Ukraine denied it, but admitted it was a pretty good idea.

Gwyneth Paltrow said Ben Affleck was “technically excellent” in bed. Affleck’s current wife, Jennifer Lopez, said she’ll see if Paltrow is right once she allows Affleck to touch her.

The Department of Labor found two 10-year-olds doing unpaid work at a McDonald’s restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2 a.m. A manager offered little comment, except to say they were given first crack at the Happy Meal toys.

Scientists have confirmed plastics in drinking water to be found in blood, organs, gastrointestinal systems, and brains. The bad news is, the plastics could shorten life spans; the good news is, our bodies may soon be disposable in recycling bins.

Jackson Mahomes – influencer, brother of superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes, and known idiot – was arrested and jailed for sexual battery for forcibly attempting to kiss a female club owner. Jackson is expected to be an early-round selection in the County Jail Sexual Assault Draft.

Britain’s Royal Family gathered for the rehearsal of King Charles’ Coronation ceremony. “Cut!” yelled the rehearsal director – telling Prince Harry to leave.

The U.S. Navy hired an active-duty drag queen, Joshua Kelley aka Harpy Daniels, to serve as Digital Ambassador to attact new, diverse, recruits. In addition to standard age & physical fitness requirements, new enlistees will need to learn lyrics & choreography to Village People songs.

Kevin Costner’s wife of 18 years filed for divorce. The ‘Dances With Wolves‘ star is referenced in their prenuptial agreement as ‘Pays For Everything’.

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WNBA star and freed Russian prisoner Britney Griner attended the 2023 Met Gala. She was invited in a guest swap after Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout RSVP’d ‘no’.

A cockroach was spotted on the red carpet at the Met Gala as celebrities arrived in their lavish apparel. Tickets to the event cost $50,000 each, which isn’t an obstacle for Ivanka Trump.

A study finds over 5,000 tons of toxic gaseous VOCs – volatile organic compounds -escaped from consumer products in 2020 in the state of California. The volume is expected to rise in proportion to the grand openings of new Taco Bell restaurants.

Hunter Biden appeared in Batesville, Arkansas to answer questions about his finances in a paternity case. Biden is seeking to lower support payments to Lunden Roberts, a woman who became pregnant when she was Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Pornhub banned access to the entirety of Utah over that state’s strict new age-verification requirement to view adult content. In other news, production has been halted on the set of Pornhub Original Production: ‘My Six Hot Mormon Stepmoms‘.

Television and film projects are expected to shut down in the wake of a Writers Guild of America strike. Writers are seeking more income from streaming, a minimum number of writing jobs on each tv show, and a guarantee of 50 Star Wars spinoffs every year on Disney+.

A woman who described herself as a ‘spiritual healer’ stands trial in New South Wales, Australia for the death of her friend, whose burns she treated with toxic mucus from a giant Amazonian monkey frog. Court observers describe testimony as ‘ribbiting’.

Convicted sex offender R. Kelly was moved from Illinois to a North Carolina prison that has housed Joe Exotic, the Unabomber, and John Hinckley, Jr. Multiple online betting apps installed Kelly as the moneyline favorite to win the prison Talent Show.

A 74-year-old Florida man was arrested for grabbing the crotch of a female American Airlines flight attendant. A spokesperson for Donald Trump reminded everyone that he’s 76 and doesn’t fly commercial.

General Mills is launching Kit Kat Cereal later this month. Or, just give your kids the candy bars for breakfast, they don’t really care either way.

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A bipartisan group of U.S. Senators want to ban social media use for children 13 & under. The legislation is opposed by pedophiles, who question how they’d meet young men & women.

The Stone of Scone arrived in London for King Charles’ coronation ceremony. Afterward, guests at the King’s Reception will be treated to tea and Scones of Stone.

Tim Bachman, co-founder of Bachman Turner Overdrive, passed away at age 71. His son Ryder said his last words were “I love you…please share the music” .. disappointing fans hoping they were “I’ll be takin’ care of business”.

An Arkansas mortuary worker is accused of shipping 20 boxes of human body parts to a buyer in Pennsylvania for $11,000. In a positive online review, the buyer was pleased at being able to buy brains, livers & skin without paying an arm and a leg.

A woman allegedly had a loud, full-body orgasm while attending an L.A. Philharmonic perfomance of Tchaikovsky’s 5th Symphony. The venue manager said it was unexpected, and the sort of thing that usually only happens at Air Supply concerts.

Hundreds of Catholics showed up to protest at Boston’s SatanCon, then wrapped it up to go hear a sermon from a guy who knows a lot of child molesters.

The Chino Valley, Arizona school district is trying to attract teachers by building a cluster of 400 square foot “tiny homes” that district teachers can rent for $500/month. Teachers receive a starting salary of $550/month.

Nick Cannon celebrated the birthday of his 12-year-old twins by renting out an entire Six Flags theme park – one flag for each of his baby-mamas.

A man with a self-described ‘micropenis’ went viral after he participated in a Reddit “Ask Me Anything” to explain how he meets women. He said he tries to screen for women who prefer sucking on jellybeans instead of chewing them.

Aerosmith announced a multi-city Farewell Tour. No word on opening acts, although they’ve been approached by KISS who are currently wrapping up their own Farewell Tour.

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In a new survey, the majority of Gen Z respondents say they don’t like the greeting “Hey guys” to address a mixed-gender group because of its masculine bias. They also don’t like the gender-neutral “Hey whatever you are”.

Nearly a dozen Philadelphia junior high students were sickened after drinking grape juice laced with an opioid. A dozen other students were sickened after drinking Mountain Dew Gogi Citrus Strawberry soda laced with nothing.

Lyft is laying off 1,100 corporate employees, Lyft’s biggest-ever drop.

Gay hookup website TruckerSuckers was hacked, with usernames, passwords, birthdates and private messages all stolen. Nonetheless, it’s still a big ol’ 10-4 for the annual TruckerSuckers Convoy at the Flying J in Omaha for sucking truckers.

Doctors claim oral sex is driving an epidemic of throat cancer because of HPV, and because of people who use chewing tobacco while giving head.

Video of a Spirit Airlines worker patching the wing of a jet with silver tape went viral. Insiders claim that this is common practice using an aluminum product called Speed Tape. However, the Spirit worker’s tape still had a Dollar Tree label on it.

Rihanna will star in a new Smurfs movie, where the Smurfs discover Smurfette can’t really sing.

Amazon posted a first quarter profit of $3.2 billion, exceeding Wall Street estimates, but disappointing warehouse workers who were promised a pizza party if they hit $3.2001 billion.

Cody Sprague, a North Carolina man, allegedly recorded video of a dog performing a sexual act on him. He shared the dog with his girlfriend, who subsequently threw out Sprague, and three jars of Skippy.

An independent pro wrestler, MASADA, suffered significant burns at a California event when he tried to blow a fireball at his opponent and his head was engulfed in flame. He’s at a hospital where he’s being treated for burns, and a severe concussion after fellow wrestlers tried putting out the fire with folding chairs.