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Wendy’s will sell canned chili in grocery stores – now that they’ve finally figured out how to get four-day-old hamburgers from their kitchens to a food processing plant.

Tucker Carlson was reportedly fired from Fox News after a video emerged of him calling a woman “yummy”; a second video calling his female viewers “post-menopausal”; and worse, a third video calling a female Fox News anchor “liberal”.

Montana state legislators banned transgender Democrat Zooey Zephyr from the house floor for procedural violations. Zephyr will also have to wait longer for lunch since Republicans voted to form the cafeteria line in alphabetical order.

An employee at a Chicago-area Popeye’s restaurant was captured on video dumping food on the floor and destroying the eatery because he hadn’t been paid in a month. No word on an arrest, but coworkers describe him as “strong to the finach”.

22-year-old female conjoined twins Lupita & Carmen Andrade share a torso and lower body. Carmen has a boyfriend named Daniel; Lupita considers herself asexual, which is probably for the best since her sex partner would need to take turns with Daniel.

ESPN fired baseball reporter Marly Rivera after an incident at Yankee Stadium caught on video where she called another female reporter a “f***ing c**t”. ESPN said Rivera’s language has no place on a baseball diamond before the game starts.

Daytime tv legend Jerry Springer expressed his ‘final thought’ at age 79.

Springer was mourned by Maury Povich, who declared Springer IS THE FATHER of daytime trash television.

A Royal Caribbean cruise lines passenger disappeared overboard on a voyage from Australia to Hawaii. His family is rightfully concerned, and fellow passengers are hoping this means more crab legs for them.

Sheila Keen Warren, a woman who dressed as a clown and shot her romantic rival, pled guilty to the crime. She alleged that she didn’t want to shoot the victim, but was forced to after her squirting lapel flower of poison malfunctioned.

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Mattel introduced the first Barbie doll representing a woman with Down Syndrome. She comes with a few standard accessories, but nobody’s giving her the keys to her pink Dream Car anytime soon.

Kim Kardashian said she’s taking the California bar exam again and would happily trade reality tv for a job as a full-time lawyer – since she’s been successfully getting guys off for over twenty years.

California officials arrested Dr. Stephen Gevorkian on multiple counts of practicing medicine without a license. Gevorkian said he treated some patients, but mostly met people confused by his name wanting to commit suicide.

A Philadelphia woman was found guilty of drugging her Tinder date after meeting him at a suburban hotel. She swiped right, his wallet, and car.

Washington state passed legislation banning the sale of AR-15s and other assault weapons. Republicans plan to shoot it down.

Convicted Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes, who begins her 11-year prison sentence tomorrow, reportedly named her newborn daughter Invicta, from the Greek meaning “unconquered”. She chose it because there isn’t a Greek translation for “wire fraud”.

A Harvard-schooled etiquette expert advises a three-word response when someone says something mean to you: “are you okay?”. Meanwhile, a community college-schooled expert advises a different three word response, beginning with “go” and ending with “yourself”.

Joe Biden welcomed South Korean president Yoon Seuk Yeol to the White House, but raised eyebrows when greeting him “Hey! Yoo Suk!”

New York City announced an eight-year plan to renovate the Port Authority bus terminal, with the first three years dedicated to removing homeless people.

A man arranged for his life savings to be used to pay college tuition for 33 high school graduates in Iowa. He just needs to find 23 more high school graduates in Iowa.

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An American Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing after a bird strike set an engine on fire. Passengers deplaned and were treated to a hot lunch of roast goose before boarding a new aircraft.

Fox News parted ways with Tucker Carlson. He’s rumored to be in discussions with Comedy Central to host The Other Daily Show For Assholes.

CNN fired Don Lemon, who apparently isn’t in his prime, either.

Joe Biden officially declared his candidacy for reelection in 2023, then was corrected to 2024.

Disney’s massive layoffs of over 7,000 people have hit ESPN. The cable network was forced to lay off the WNBA.

The New York Jets acquired quarterback Aaron Rodgers from the Green Bay Packers. Rodgers is expected to report just as soon as he finds a 4-bedroom 3-bath rental house for $2,500/month like he had in Wisconsin.

E. Jean Carroll’s sexual assault trial against Donald Trump starts Tuesday, with Carroll’s lawyers making opening arguments, and Trump’s lawyers asking for clarification which sexual assault of his this is about.

Amazon Pet Day – the retailer’s two-day sale – is underway. They recommend opting for the express shipping so your purchase arrives alive.

OnlyFans model Courtney Tilia, a former teacher and married mother of four, said she’s a Christian porn star. “Oh my god” is what her subscribers say when they watch her have sex.

An intervention for former ‘Jackass’ star and addict Bam Margera failed earlier this month, according to a participant. It didn’t help that friends asked Margera to return to rehab while shooting him in the balls with rubber bullets.

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Apple virtual reality headset, the Reality Pro, will reportedly cost $3,000 and run thousands of existing iPad apps, until you bump your head and the screen cracks.

Jeff Shell, CEO of Comcast’s NBC Universal division, was terminated after having an inappropriate relationship with a female employee. Like many NBC shows, Shell was cancelled.

The estate of Marvin Gaye is suing Ed Sheeran, saying one of his songs bears striking similarity to Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On’. Jurors will listen to Sheeran’s song until they beg ‘Let’s Shut It Off’.

McDonald’s is adding white onions to their signature burger patties while they’re on the grill instead of afterward. They’re receiving hundreds of complaints from customers who don’t want onions, but still want high levels of sodium, fat & calories.

Fans of Dancing With The Stars mourned the loss of former judge Len Goodman, who passed away at age 78. Funeral arrangements will be announced just as soon as pallbearers learn a proper Foxtrot.

Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is selling “Real Woman” beer can ‘koozies’, apparently in response to the Bud Light trans controversy. Huckabee Sanders wants to appear on the outside of beer cans, since her picture is already on cans of Alpo.

Bed Bath & Beyond filed for bankruptcy, as creditors refused to honor coupons for 20% off their debt.

Only 1 in 3 fourth graders in the U.S. was at or above reading proficiency according to the Department of Education. 2 out of 3, however, were absolutely killing it at Fortnite.

Caitlyn Jenner said trans influencer-slash-Bud Light promo partner Dylan Mulvaney is “fringe” and “not good” for the LGBT movement. Jenner said she has “nothing in common” with Mulvaney, although even casual observers assume there’s at least one thing they both have.

Prince Harry will attend King Charles’ coronation, but will be placed ten rows back from other members of the Royal Family. Harry is reportedly furious at both the seat location, and the $80 in fees on top of the price of the seat at Ticketmaster.

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Pearl Jam announced a brief tour of summer dates, with “fairly priced tickets” for fans. In turn, Ticketmaster announced limited-time Pearl Jam “unfairly bloated fees, even for us”.

Buzz Feed News will shut down. This will result in zero actual journalists losing jobs, plus you’ll no longer be able to take a quiz to discover which character of ‘Stranger Things‘ you’re most like.

Twitter began purging blue verification check marks from celebrities and brands who refuse to pay the $8/month fee. Social media sleuths are now on the case trying to decide which of 744 Twitter accounts is the real Corey Feldman.

Manslaughter charges were dropped against Alec Baldwin stemming from the on-set death of a cinematographer on the film ‘Rust’. The film will resume shooting in Montana, with Baldwin handling a selfie stick holding an iPhone in a bulletproof case.

A Russian woman living in New York was sentenced to 21 years in prison for attempting to kill a female friend with poisoned cheesecake to steal her identity. The friend survived, but is guilty herself about eating two slices of cheesecake.

A Colorado school bus driver is charged with 30 counts of child abuse for slamming on the bus brakes to teach young passengers the importance of staying seated. He also faces lesser charges of eating their snacks that skidded to the front of the bus.

An ultramarathon runner was disqualified and stripped of her 3rd-place finish after it was determined she rode in a car for part of the route. She was kicked out of the car when the guy driving it got tired of her fiddling with the temperature.

Barbara Walters’ Upper East Side New York apartment is up for sale for $19.75 million. It includes two spacious bedrooms, a Central Park view, and Joy Behar.

‘Because I Got High‘ rapper Afroman announced he’s running for President in 2024 as an Independent. He’s expected to take on incumbent Senileman, and GOP nominee Obese-HairplugMan.

A bear broke into a car in British Columbia and drank 69 cans of soda. The bear mostly drank Orange Crush, but appeared to stop when it tasted diet soda, because it doesn’t want cancer.

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Fox Corporation will pay $787.5 million to Dominion voting machines in a settlement of their defamation lawsuit. However, Fox still faces similar suits from Smartmatic voting machines, and Bic ball point pens for write-in ballots.

McDonald’s plans a limited-time offer to sell Big Mac sauce to customers through its app. The bad news is it’ll be dispensed by McFlurry machines which are probably broken.

New York Mets pitcher Max Scherzer was ejected from Wednesday’s game after arguing with umpires who told him his hands were too sticky. Scherzer declined to speak to the media and cancelled his postgame plans to masturbate.

Tiger Woods underwent successful ankle surgery following his withdrawal from The Masters. No timeline was given for his return to golf, but for now Woods will likely need to wear a cast while having stand-up parking lot sex with restaurant hostesses.

Nine Republican state lawmakers in Michigan supported legislation making it illegal for an unmarried man and woman to live together. The attempt failed, to the disappointment of cohabiting Michigan men & women just needing that one reason…

A Texas mother found a worm in a container of baby formula. State & federal officials are considering a recall of all Jose Cuervo baby formula products.

A pizza delivery guy in Australia who impregnated a 15-year-old girl is appealing his prison sentence, claiming she gave her consent. Her lawyers dispute the claim, saying she specifically said ‘no sausage’.

A North Carolina family was injured after a neighbor shot at them when they attempted to retrieve their basketball that rolled into his yard. The shooter remains at large, and the family has no plans to try to get their Frisbee off of his roof.

Two Iowa teens who killed a Spanish teacher over a bad grade pled guilty – or, ‘cul-PAH-blay’ in Spanish, to prove they were learning.

Facebook provided instructions to users on claiming their share of a $725 million class action judgment for the Cambridge Analytica data usage violation. Just submit the claim form and your information will be processed by Cambridge Analytica.

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The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now so large and permanent that a coastal ecosystem is thriving on it. Meanwhile the Great Atlantic Garbage Patch has officially changed its name to Wildwood, New Jersey.

Author Marilyn Minter published ‘Elder Sex‘, an erotic photo book featuring only men and women age 70 & Over. It’s the first coffee table book to offer counseling to anyone reading it.

Haribo gummy bear fans were shocked by the company’s statement that the green bear is actually strawberry flavored. And a small human infant.

The American Medical Association declared poverty the fourth-leading cause of death in the U.S. — then pronounced the entire state of Mississippi dead.

A Kansas man who went viral for smashing & exploding Bud Light beer after their partnership with a trans influencer has been arrested and charged with indecent exposure of his penis, testicles, and Busch.

A TikTok’er claims the secret to McDonald’s fries is their oil contains a beef flavoring. The company claims the fries are still vegetarian-friendly because the flavoring contains no actual meat. As opposed to the burgers, which do contain some actual meat.

Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin has been medically cleared by cardiac experts to resume football-related concussion activities.

Tesla slashed the price of its best-selling Model 3 sedan & Model Y SUV ahead of their earnings call. The bad news is batteries are not included.

An Indian couple died using a makeshift guillotine to offer themselves as a form of human sacrifice next to an altar of fire they’d made. That, or they really misunderstood how to give each other head.

An eighth-grader who lost while competing in an Illinois “Beat The Streets” wrestling tournament sucker-punched the winner who’d offered him a handshake. He was then returned to The Streets.

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A new study finds red meat and refined carbohydrates are the primary drivers of Type 2 diabetes cases – and profits at Arby’s.

Congressman George Santos announced his reelection campaign along with endorsements from Pope Francis and Taylor Swift.

Feds in New York City shut down what they called an ‘illegal Chinese police station’ targeting Chinese dissidents living in the U.S. and gathering counterintelligence for China’s government. Officials were tipped off by piles of empty Chun-kin Donuts boxes outside.

A man plead guilty to breaking the thumb off of a terracotta warrior statue from 200BC on display at a Philadelphia museum. On the bright side, he’s now in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the oldest thumb stuck in a rectum.

Wedding apparel retailer David’s Bridal filed for bankruptcy. Money’s tight, so David’s reception switched from open bar to cash.

Apple Watches are getting their biggest software update since being introduced in 2015. In addition to detecting heart attacks and falls, it’ll detect the real reason your spouse isn’t talking to you.

New Jersey declared September 23rd as Bruce Springsteen Day. As part of the declaration, residents will be asked to slam their screen doors at Noon, and throughout the day refer to their genitals as auto parts.

As part of his ongoing battle with Disney Corporation, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis threatened to build a prison next to Disney World. Lawyers for imprisoned tax cheat Scrooge McDuck have already requested a transfer so he can be closer to his family.

A writer’s strike threatens to halt production of tv & film projects if a deal with the union can’t be reached by May 1st. This could mean a delay to the final season of Stranger Things, from its planned release in 2028.

McDonald’s is making ‘upgrades’ to its signature hamburger & cheeseburger, including softer buns, following a string of lawsuit settlements from broken teeth.

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A Tennessee Air National Guardsman was arrested after applying online to be a contract killer for $5,000. Worse, the hiring manager informed him they were focusing on more qualified candidates but would keep his resume on file.

An artificial intelligence program profiled on 60 Minutes allegedly taught itself a foreign language it didn’t know. It was then offered a scholarship to tutor the entire Ohio State football team.

The United States now averages 1.5 mass shootings per day. The number is expected to rise as more people use their tax refunds on AR-15s.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee deleted a post sharing commentary from network OAN questioning the behavior of the trans community. Then Lee posted an apology, said he’s not transphobic, and called himself the “gayest motherf**er around”. That post was then deleted after Lee was challenged by Boy George.

Sega is acquiring the maker of Angry Birds, for $775 million, because nobody told them they could just download it for free.

Phantom Of The Opera closed on Broadway after 35 years and 13,981 shows – entertaining over 6 million women, gay men, and straight husbands wondering how many Yankees games they could have seen instead for the ticket price.

SpaceX cited technical issues in postponing the launch of its most powerful rocket, Starship. Elon Musk said once they’re fixed, “nothing’s gonna stop us now”.

A new study finds women still do more domestic chores than men in households where they earn more money. When men try to step it up by doing the cooking, the women end up spending more time taking kids to the doctor or restaurants.

Senator John Fetterman returned to on-site work in Washington, DC following hospitalization for depression. Meanwhile, 89-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein told colleagues she plans to return in time for President Obama’s lighting of the White House Christmas Tree.

The mother of a teen YouTube star is being sued for physical and emotional abuse of young content creators, including sending her daughter’s underwear to an unknown man. The plaintiffs claim the shipments to Japan have cost them thousands.