Newly crowned Miss USA Kara McCullough angered some by calling health care a ‘privilege’, not a ‘right’. “Fake boobs, manicures, makeovers…you know, health care” she said.

Economists estimate that more jobs have been lost in retailing than in coal mines. On hearing the news, Trump urged supporters to spend more money at Coals Department Store.

Alex Rodriguez skipped Derek Jeter Night at Yankee Stadium and had dinner with girlfriend Jennifer Lopez. This surprised Yankees fans, who know that A Rod usually waited until playoff games to not show up.

Robert Griffin III is set to marry his girlfriend, who is pregnant with his child. He got down on one knee to propose, and is now expected to miss the 2017 season.

Experts say the perpetrators of the WannaCry ransomware virus have only received about $50,000 in payments. Their next move is expected to be more profitable, a GoFundMe for a sick dog.

 

The creator of G.I. Joe died – as the toy industry tries to come to Kung Fu grip with the tragedy.

Secretary of Education Betsy Devos was booed while giving the Commencement Address at historic black college Bethune Cookman. Things started out badly as she opened her speech “Congratulations, you people..”

Snapchat posted a $2.2Billion loss in its first quarterly earnings report since going public. CEO Evan Spegel told angry investors he was going to wait 10 seconds to see if the loss goes away.

The company owning Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister is rumored to be for sale, just as soon as the prospective buyer’s Mom gives him the money.

ABC network cancelled comedy series Imaginary Mary. For real.

Tennessee passed legislation making community college free for adult residents. “Community what?” said Tennesseans.

Years ago, I worked at a bank. I didn’t like it very much. During my time in the Management Training Program there, you had to run through a bunch of different jobs, including Teller. I don’t know who the f goes to the teller anymore. I was lousy at that. There used to be something called a Certified Check, which was a personal check you’d write, then pay an added fee to have the bank ensure you had the money to cover the check. I would routinely certify checks without verifying the balance. Kind of like certifying “yep, this is a check alright.” I did this a number of times before one of the other tellers watched me ‘certify’ a check [put a special sticker on it and use one of those embossing tools like Notary Publics use] while skipping the most important step: making sure they had the money. Remarkably, I didn’t get fired. Which shows you how awful a job being a bank teller is. Anyway.

I “progressed” from there, to making personal loans. Again, you can pretty much do any bank business online now, but back then you talked to somebody about loans. While we were encouraged to make intelligent lending decisions, my handler, a guy named Thurston, said sometimes you have to make a riskier loan. His quote: “If you aren’t making any bad loans, you aren’t making enough loans..” Trust me, I made more than my share of bad loans, just as I had pumped out my share of unverified Certified Checks.

But the quote stuck with me, and I think of it when I write jokes. If I’m not making enough bad jokes, I’m not making enough jokes. I tell everyone that I don’t really know what people find funny any more. So sometimes I’ll write a joke, say to myself “this sucks”..but then tell it and people will laugh. And if I don’t hate myself or find it irredeemably hackneyed, I’ll keep on it and see what I can do. Sometimes a better joke in the same vein will come along to bolster the joke I thought was terrible.

Advice that I received doing something I hated years ago helps guide me when I’m doing something that I enjoy a great deal here & now. Huh.

The owners of a Giant Rabbit that died on a United Airlines flight are seeking compensation for its death. Joining them as plaintiffs in the suit – the dead rabbit’s 350 children.

CEO of Australian airline Qantas was hit with a pie in the face while speaking at an industry event. The assailant was dragged away by police, who were offered jobs on-the-spot from United.

Otterbox, makers of smartphone cases, are introducing a line of bear-resistant camping coolers. This resulted in a boycott of Otterbox products by bears that own smartphones.

MTV handed out its Movie Awards — honoring excellence in filmmaking as recognized by the people that bring you pregnant teenagers and weirdos catfishing strangers on social media.

A man was given free Wendy’s chicken nuggets for a year after receiving 4.2 million retweets of his request for free food. His next campaign will seek retweets to fund his treatment for Type 2 diabetes.

 

A friend of mine sent me an article from a comedy blog he’d read (here it is) . The author/comic’s assertion is that young inexperienced comics will see Louis C.K. tackle controversial topics, and then butcher their own attempts at same…all while wasting the author’s time at open mics and offending people in the audience. [Assuming there is one.]

To which I say “go fuck yourself buddy”. Aside from the pretentious point-of-view that underpins the essay [“crafting jokes is my heroin“], the cold, hard truth is that just about every comic’s time is wasted to some degree at an open mic. I hate hearing lousy comics. But I expect them, and live with it.  An open mic is every comic’s practice — not just the good comics’.

In a sport, the starters might get more time or reps than the scrubs at practice, but the whole team shows up in the hope of getting better. As it should be. Quit bitching about terrible comics. Eventually, some will improve. The key is telling them what you like and encouraging them when they do.

American Airlines announced that they’re cutting legroom in Economy Class by 2 inches. The airline is offering early boarding to passengers who need a little extra time removing their legs.

MSNBC co-hosts of ‘Morning Joe’ Mika Brzezenski and Joe Scarborough announced that they’re engaged. Now she’ll have to endure Afternoon Joe and Evening Joe.

Great Britain’s Royal Family has sued a French tabloid for $1.6 million over topless photos that they published. Said a spokesman for the tabloid, “turns out nobody wants to see the Queen like that anyway.”

A rabbi visiting the White House posted a selfie with Steve Bannon, and exposed items on Bannon’s whiteboard. Said Bannon “I have nothing against blackboards, honest.”

Amazon’s Echo Smart Home Assistant is being updated with a camera, so that Alexa will now be able to provide fashion advice to Echo owners. 

“Alexa, take a look at my outfit.”

“Okay. I’m looking”

::silence::

“Alexa?”

“I’m here. So..where are you going?”

“On a date.”

“Do I know the guy?”

“No”

“Are you in to him?”

“Kind of.”

::silence::

“Alexa..does this dress make me look fat?”

::smoke rises from Alexa’s grill::

“Ranch dressing has 12 grams of fat.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Goodbye.”

Let’s see how often I can update my blog with jokes about current events!

  • A San Francisco startup has invented a $30,000 machine that will make you a salad. For an additional $30, a San Francisco resident will toss it.
  • Kelly Ripa names Ryan Seacrest to succeed Michael Strahan as her co-host, proving that you can go back.
  • Kelly Ripa names Ryan Seacrest as her co-host, hoping to end rumors that Kelly Ripa is actually Ryan Seacrest in a wig and a dress.
  • The new Amazon Echo is equipped with a camera that allows Alexa to offer fashion advice. When you ask Alexa if a dress makes you look fat, you can set Alexa to either tell the truth, or make you feel good.. [Note. This might be a fun sketch].
         alt: When you ask Alexa if a dress makes you look fat, it self-destructs.
 
  • Attorneys charging a man with murdering his wife are using data from the wife’s Fitbit to challenge his story that an intruder killed her. While he awaits trial, the Fitbit is in witness protection at a Popeye’s chicken franchise.

Disruptor

This is a snippet of the thousands of results you get on LinkedIn when you search your network for Disruptors. Everybody’s a disruptor. I don’t know who they’re disrupting since everyone else is busy disrupting stuff too. You’d think if you were a disruptor, you’d need for your target to hold still for a minute. No such luck.

If they’re all disruptors, I’m a Ruptor. Come & get me.

I tell jokes and, it should go without saying, am not famous. But I’ll never forget seeing the behavior of a famous guy who could have been a dick, but who chose not to be. The celebrity is country singer Dwight Yoakam.

Back in the 90s I worked for a company that made settop boxes for cable companies. The job sucked. I disliked it. I wasn’t particularly good at it. But part of the job entailed going to cable tv industry trade shows to demonstrate the equipment. [The amazing capability of the settop box was to sit like a boat anchor on or near the TV and not break.]

There was a lot of free time during the trade shows. I think the one I’m remembering was in Anaheim and was named something original like “The Cable Show”. The plus side is you could walk around the show floor and get a photo with various Tier C/D/E & Lower celebrities appearing on behalf of basic and premium cable TV channels. MC Hammer was there to promote some Christian channel. The guy who married/divorced Megan Fox from Beverly Hills 90210 was there to promote some Fox Channel thing. ESPN anchors signed autographs.

But there was one A-lister. Country Music Television had lined up Dwight Yoakam to appear and sing. I used to listen to more country [him, Mavericks, Carlene Carter, etc] than I do now. I owned a couple of Dwight Yoakam discs and consider ‘This Time’ to be a great, great album. There was a really large group assembled around the CMT exhibit to see Dwight. He showed up in signature apparel: big cowboy hat, fringed jacket, boots. He made it look cool. He then proceeded to knock out great songs like Little Sister, Long White Cadillac, and a few from This Time — specifically, huge hit A Thousand Miles From Nowhere. It was awesome. The show — maybe 6-8 songs — was wrapping up, and before hanging around for autographs, he asked if anyone had requests. At that point, a guy who had obviously arrived late shouted out “Thousand Miles From Nowhere”! The crowd tore in to this guy.  They groaned. They shouted “he already played it!” ..”where the f*** were you?”…”shut up”. They made the guy feel like a total dope. I felt bad for him.

But then, having heard the guy’s request, Dwight Yoakam simply said something like “That song is one of my favorites and has made me a lot of money. Okay…” And so he played A Thousand Miles From Nowhere. Again. Amazing.

I didn’t stick around for a photo or autograph. I didn’t need to. I’d seen a cool, talented guy who didn’t have to be a nice guy act like the nicest guy. If I’m ever lucky enough where someone wants to hear one of my dumb jokes because it makes them happy, I’ll tell it. Even if they’ve heard it before.