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A longtime Walmart employee used the store loudspeaker to “sign off” on her last day before leaving for a different job. The store manager then grabbed the mic and signed off five of her coworkers for going two minutes long on their cigarette break.

Tiffany Haddish explained after her second DUI that the Tesla she was driving had self-parked, but was still blocking part of the street. Officers then lifted the hood and discovered the car’s battery soaked in vodka.

Meta is being sued for knowingly collecting the personal information of children under age 13 after they signed up for Instagram in violation of age restrictions. The kids were then bombarded with targeted ads for tricycles & lollipops.

Patients suffering with ‘long COVID’ experience structural changes to their brain – according to data collected from the microchip in the vaccines they received.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight opened the over-wing emergency exit and jumped out while the jet was at its departure gate. He thought sitting in the exit row required him to demonstrate what to do in the event of an emergency landing.

Hospitals in China are at full capacity with patients due to a nationwide surge in respiratory viruses. Chinese health officials say the illnesses are from existing viruses, because Wuhan lab workers haven’t finished making the new viruses yet.

A Florida pest control worker was arrested after allegedly exposing himself to two female customers. The customers say the roaches are gone, but now they have a cock problem.

A new iPhone feature allows personal information, photos & videos to be shared when two users tap their phones together. It’s called NameDrop, or, if you swipe a phone to share nudes with a stranger, BallDrop or BoobDrop.

Congressman George Santos faces a vote to expel him from Congress, but during his hearing he produced 50 huge sacks of letters from children saying they still believed in him, in Miracle On Constitution Avenue.

A driver in Malaysia knocked a baby elephant over with his car, causing five adult elephants to stomp on the car in retaliation. The baby elephant got up and walked away, and the driver’s insurance claim has been denied three times by The General.

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Tiffany Haddish was arrested for her second DUI in as many years, both times falling asleep behind the wheel of her vehicle. She’s thinking of either entering rehab, or getting a Tesla that can drunk-drive itself.

For the third time, Diddy was sued by a woman alleging sexual assault and physical abuse – once again leaving fans to wonder Diddy? or Diddny? If this keeps up, he’s considering another name change to Diddn’t.

Wildlife officials warn that feral Canadian “super pigs” are threatening to migrate to the U.S. You’ll know them by their unique “Oonk”.

Life At Sea Cruises canceled their planned 3-year global voyage after admitting to ticketholders that they don’t have a boat. Despite issuing refunds, they’re facing lawsuits from passengers who rented out their homes, and adult children who thought they wouldn’t have to see their parents for three years.

Former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin was stabbed in a federal prison in Tucson the day after Thanksgiving. In other news, the inmate store posted record sales of shanks during their Black Friday Cellbuster Deal Day.

Pope Francis cancelled his planned Thanksgiving activities after being briefly hospitalized with the flu – but gave thanks that he caught the flu from some cute young altar boys.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain chip implant company raised $43 million in funding, after he told other billionaires with chips implanted in their brains to give him $43 million.

Black Friday shoppers were evacuated from the American Dream Mall in New Jersey, following a bomb scare by someone threatening to turn it in to the Iraqi Dream Mall.

Taylor Swift posed for a photo with five family members of Ana Clara Benevides, who died of heat exhaustion & cardiac arrest at her concert in Brazil a week earlier. Her funeral is postponed after the family blew $2,000 each on concert tickets.

The NBA is investigating claims that Oklahoma Thunder guard Josh Giddey had an inappropriate relationship with a minor. In the meantime, Giddey will continue to play, and the young woman will enter the NBA’s Development Program for Groupies.

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Hey! Taking the day off from writing new jokes – but enjoy these zingers copied & pasted from Novembers past! Ed.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items were delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Amazon launched its online pharmacy on Tuesday. Customers can expect to have painkillers swiped off their porch on Thursday.

Ulysses ‘The Monster’ Diaz knocked out Donelei Benedetto in 3 seconds to record the fastest finish ever in a Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship bout. Diaz announced his next fight is when Walmart opens on Black Friday.

Vanderbilt University placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was “almost ready”.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and aren’t speaking to each other.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers customers were unable to vote after being stabbed in the parking lot.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

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The CEO of cryptocurrency exchange Binance resigned after they were slapped with $4 billion in fines for money laundering and other illegal activities. They were also warned not to try paying the $4 billion with Dogecoin.

A mystery respiratory illness is spreading among dogs and baffling veterinarians. Vets are frantically contact-tracing to see if sick dogs sniffed the same infected butt.

Martha Stewart said she didn’t ‘cancel Thanksgiving’ after claiming she was “turkeyed out” on The Kelly Clarkson Show. Stewart stated she’s baking lemon tarts, cranberry tarts, chocolate pecan pies, pecan pies, pumpkin pies and a 20-pound bird. And boy, are her 30 assistants tired.

With Elon Musk allowing antisemitic and anti-Muslim comments on X, Paris Hilton’s media company pulled their advertising from the platform. But first, Paris asked her assistants to spell X just to make sure she was boycotting the right app.

American Airlines responded to viral video of a passenger’s wheelchair crashing on to the Miami International Airport tarmac as baggage handlers looked on. American assured everyone their baggage workers were far more careful handling the paraplegic who also flew to Miami in the cargo hold.

A woman flying from Florida to Philadelphia aboard Frontier Airlines pulled down her pants and threatened to urinate in the aisle because a flight attendant wouldn’t allow her to use the restroom. Since the woman wouldn’t pay Frontier Airlines $29, she had to wait and use the bucket like everyone else.

Susan Sarandon was dropped by her talent agency for remarks she made at a pro-Palensinian rally. Producers now have to recast and scrap two weeks of filming on Bad Moms Hanukkah.

Oprah Winfrey’s bestie Gayle King revealed on The Drew Barrymore Show that King’s former friend was secretly collecting $50,000 to set up meetings with her. She discovered it when the friend spilled her purse and King saw a $50,000 check from Drew Barrymore.

Daryl Hall is suing John Oates in a contract debt-related filing. Hall claims Oates is a little short.

Thousands of blue rubber balls washed up on a British beach were determined to come from a nearby power plant where they’re used to clean pipes. British men with blue balls on the beach fantasized about someone cleaning their pipes.

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The Rolling Stones announced a 16-city 2024 U.S. tour, sponsored by AARP. Representatives from AARP will be on hand to scold retirees about blowing $500 from their 401k on Rolling Stones tickets.

As rescue workers attempt to dig out 41 construction workers trapped in a tunnel collapse in India, hot meals of rice & lentils were delivered to them via a steel pipe. The Grubhub guy received no tip.

Before a school board reversed his decision, a Sherman, Texas high school principal left voicemails informing parents that transgender students could not perform roles in Oklahoma! aligned with their gender identity. He also said he’s not changing the title of the next production to The Music Person.

Celebrity & game show host Wayne Brady fought with a drunk driver who backed in to his car, then attempted to flee as officers arrived. The man was arrested, and Brady may appear to host his court hearing – Let’s Make A Plea Deal.

A man attempted to kidnap and kill his estranged wife at a suburban Philadelphia Walmart. Workers at the store thought it was a dress rehearsal for customers attempting to murder each other on Black Friday.

Six major media companies including Disney, NBCUniversal & Paramount halted spending on X after Elon Musk boosted antisemitic conspiracy theories. They’re shifting spending to Truth Social and its more pro-American conspiracy theories.

Best Buy, Lowes & Kohl’s are all forecasting a drop in annual holiday sales. However, liquor stores & OnlyFans say they’ll more than make up for the hit to the economy.

Kalpana Balan, a 26-year-old Indian woman, established a Guinness World Record for having 38 teeth – six more than the average human. She also broke a different record by flossing out a quarter pound of a burrito stuck between them.

Only 23 percent of women on dating app Bumble are actively seeking marriage as a goal. Relationship experts say this is great news for empowered, independent women – but also great news for hit-it-and-quit-it horny men.

A woman gave birth on a Pegasus Airlines jet just before departure on a flight from Istanbul to Marseilles. Paramedics boarded to assist in the delivery, then gently placed the baby under the seat in front of the mother, because overhead bins were full.

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Mariah Carey told an audience at the Billboard Music Awards “I don’t acknowledge time”. Unfortunately, her singing voice does.

Carey performed ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You‘ for the first time at an awards ceremony. In case you missed it, you can still hear it thirty times a day no matter where you are.

Argentina elected Javier Milei their new President. Milei wants to outlaw abortion, loosen gun laws, and change the national currency from the peso to the U.S. dollar. He’ll take office on December 10 and Argentina will become Texas a day later.

Artificial intelligence company Open AI, makers of ChatGPT, fired CEO Sam Altman, and replaced him with a guy nobody’s ever seen or heard of, Chad Geepeetee.

Singer Shakira settled a tax evasion case with the Spanish government, dashing the hopes of government tax accountants who wanted to see her lose her shirt.

USA Pickleball released their first equipment that claims to reduce noise by 50% – but can’t do anything about the ambulance noise responding to seniors health emergencies at the pickleball courts.

A Los Angeles Lakers fan crumbled to the court clutching his leg as he attempted to win money for sinking a half-court shot. Although he missed, he was so convincing being hurt without anyone touching him that five NBA teams offered him a tryout.

A woman selling her engagement ring on Facebook Marketplace after her marriage ended says she keeps getting messages from creeps wanting to date her. They ask if the ring is still available, and if she is.

Plumbers say the day after Thanksgiving is their busiest day of the year due to clogs in sinks & toilets – mainly from too much stuffing.

A streaming service is offering $2,000 to someone who will watch and rank 12 old Hallmark Christmas movies. The company is refusing to pay claims to men whose wives have seen them each 20 times and say they’re owed $40,000.

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Starbucks employees seeking to unionize went on strike for the company’s annual Red Cup Day, a reusable holiday cup giveway. However, they were back on the job for Wrong Name On The Cup Day.

A Texas mom was banned for life from Carnival Cruise lines for attempting to bring CBD sleep-aid gummies on a ship – giving new hope to those people desperate to avoid going on a cruise with their family.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner said of fans wanting to know what he tells his two final Bachelorettes in ‘Fantasy Suites’ – “it’s none of their f#cking business”. Hearing this, some fans said they really just want to know if 71-year-old Gerry is capable of any f#cking business.

Snoop Dogg said he’s giving up smoking weed after much consideration and conversation with his family – who he can actually see again once the smoke clears.

The Vatican is switching to an all-electric fleet of Volkswagen vehicles in an effort to reduce its carbon footprint while driving altar boys to area hotels.

A consumer group released its worst toys of 2023, including CogniToys wifi-enabled dinosaur toy that collects a child’s name, address, birthday, gender & payment information. It’s advertised on TikTok and is known as the Chinasaur.

The same consumer group said it doesn’t recommend virtual reality headsets for younger people, claiming it stunts their development. But try telling that to the kid watching movies on it who’s already learned two dozen different sex positions.

Congressman George Santos faces expulsion after an ethics investigation found he spent campaign funds on Botox, luxury trips, and OnlyFans. He said the OnlyFans was a favor to help Congresswoman Lauren Boebert grow subscribers.

The U.S. Education Department is investigating Lafayette, Columbia, Cornell, Cooper Union, Penn & Wellesley over incidents of antisemitism and Islamaphobia. They said it’s easier than trying to make a dent in racist behavior at community colleges.

Amazon Prime debuted a new Tyler Perry documentary: Maxine’s Baby: The Tyler Perry Story. They’re concerned that his fans may have trouble finding it, so they’re renaming it Tyler Perry’s Maxine’s Baby: The Tyler Perry Story. A Tyler Perry Film.

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A two alarm fire erupted on the Atlantic City boardwalk at the Resorts Casino. No injuries were reported, and the blaze settled who has Atlantic City’s hottest table games.

A Hawaii woman will have to pay $39,000 to American Airlines after her threats to crew & passengers forced her flight from Honolulu to Phoenix to be diverted. However, American said she’s still invited to apply for an AAdvantage Rewards Credit Card.

Following a high profile meeting between China President Xi Jinping and U.S. President Joe Biden, Biden told reporters he still believes Xi is a “dictator”. Xi did not comment immediately, saying he needed to return to China to dictate his response.

‘The Golden Bachelor‘ moved to the Fantasy Suites portion of the show, where Gerry Turner may choose to sleep with the three finalists before going to bed at 7:30.

Joasia Zakrewski, an ultramarathon runner, was banned from the sport for 12 months after riding in a car for part of a 50-mile race where she finished 3rd. She gave five stars to the Uber driver who picked her up when she was in 12th.

Ridley Scott’s biopic Napoleon debuted to mixed reviews. It’s 158 minutes long, making you wish it was more like Napoloeon – shorter.

A poll of women ages 18-40 say they prefer polite men over guys with a hot physique. So be polite and ask your girlfriend how her day was when she has sex with her personal trainer.

Philadelphia Police posted photos of luggage recovered after being stolen at Philadelphia Airport. Once victims complete a report identifying their bag, a Philadelphia Airport baggage handler can give it back to them in about six hours.

A Texas school board reversed their decision and will allow a transgender student to play the male lead in the high school’s production of Oklahoma! They admit it was a mistake, but doesn’t change how bad he sounds singing O What a Beautiful Mornin’.

Frontier Airlines dropped the price of their all-you-can-fly Go Wild! annual pass to $499 for a limited time. That’s the good news; the bad news is the clothes you’re wearing count as carry-ons that cost $99/flight. [Story h/t to JL]

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Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).

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Donald Trump’s oldest sister died, according to the New York City coroner, and according to work crews shutting down the driving range at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey to dig a hole.

As ABC’s hit The Golden Bachelor concludes, fans await the decision to name a senior ‘Golden Bachelorette’. Producers want a woman with good energy, camera presence, and – perhaps most important – who can stay alive for the whole show.

University of Michigan head football coach Jim Harbaugh will attend a Friday hearing regarding his suspension over the team illegally stealing playcalling signals from rivals. He’s sending his assistant coaches to scout other hearings to get a sense of how they go

The ESPNBet gambling app launches today. ESPN journalists are forbidden from placing wagers on sports they cover, but are free to become addicted to betting on all the other ones.

The United States Supreme Court adopted a Code Of Conduct. Justice Clarence Thomas asked when it starts because he’s pretty sure someone is getting him a new RV for Christmas.

Nepal banned TikTok, saying it disrupts social harmony. So tough luck if you wanted to see the Dalai Lama lip-synching to Cruel Summer (Taylor’s Version).

Tupac Shakur was nominated for a Grammy, and has a real shot.

As part of its comeback, Toys R Us is opening a store on the day before Thanksgiving in the U.S. largest retail location, Mall Of America. Parents are invited to bring their children to see which kid will have the first Toys R Us meltdown since 2018.

Tens of thousands of Jews rally in Washington DC today in support of Israel’s conflict with Hamas. It’s being treated by Homeland Security as a Level 1 Security Event – equal to the Super Bowl, only with a lot less athleticism and a lot more sweaters.

Applesauce pouches from WanaBana, Schnucks & Weis are being recalled due to high concentrations of lead. Parents are urged to check product labels, and to also see if their toddler feels heavier.