Several brands of dry shampoo including Dove, Tresemme & Bed Head were recalled because they may contain high levels of benzene, causing cancerous head & shoulders.

A magnitude 5.1 earthquake hit San Jose, California. All of the iPhones at Apple headquarters in nearby Cupertino were set to vibrate.

Scientists at Stanford University created a 3D rendering of the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus Christ, that bears an uncanny resemblance to Lady Gaga. Although biblical scholars are questioning where & how Mary would get a dress made of meat.

Clorox recalled 37 million bottles of Pine-Sol cleaner because they could contain Pseudomonas aeruginosa, which could harm immunocompromised people. The bottles are identifiable by labels reading: ‘Kills 0.0% of Harmful Bacteria’.

Spotify is considering a price increase as both Apple Music and YouTube Premium increased rates by $2/month and up. Top artists like Taylor Swift and Paul McCartney plan to use their additional royalties to buy a Venti latte instead of Tall.

Forbes magazine claims Kanye West lost ‘billionaire’ status after Adidas ended their partnership with him. In other news, Jewish kids still enrolled at West’s Donda Academy school lost ‘approved vacation’ status for the first day of Chanukah.

Coca-Cola’s CEO said they’re responding to inflation by trying new sizes and packaging for customers with less money to spend. Starting in 2023, they’ll sell bottles containing one sip.

Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders are both opposed to the pending $25 billion merger between grocery giants Kroger & Albertson’s, with each questioning what will happen to the 30-cents-a-gallon in gas reward points they’ve saved up.

Medical experts are advising when to get the updated COVID booster shot before Thanksgiving, saying two weeks before the holiday is best, or to get it the day before, since you’ll be so sick & tired on Thanksgiving you can’t go.

Las Vegas Golden Knights forward Phil Kessel is the National Hockey League’s new ‘Ironman’, appearing in his 990th consecutive game. His left and right front teeth lasted 26 and 448 games, respectively.

One Florida teenager died after at least two teens took turns shooting at each other while they wore body armor. In other news, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet has temporarily discontinued sales of body armor.

Adidas terminated its partnership with Kanye West over his antsemitic remarks. West said that, in addition to Parler, he’ll buy the rights to, and reopen, Payless Shoe Source.

WhatsApp suffered a serious outage on Tuesday, as technicians worked feverishly to restore users ability to send and receive encrypted nude photos.

Real estate site Point2 claims there are only four cities in the U.S. where the average American can afford a ‘starter home’: Detroit; Memphis; Tulsa; and Oklahoma City. Point2 admits they could probably afford North Dakota, but admit nobody really wants to live there.

A global helium shortage threatens the viability of MRIs, which need liquid helium to cool the magnets inside. Doctors say they’re prepared with a tried-and-true backup plan: unnecessary surgery.

President Joe Biden tweeted the federal deficit was reduced by $1.4 trillion, so maybe he’ll get Ukraine those guided missile defense systems for Christmas, after all!

A Michigan man was arrested and charged after a TikTok video showed him abusing a child. People who watched the video were then served up 50 more videos of other people hurting children.

Utah recorded their first human-caused avalanche of the year in the Wasatch Mountain Range. This followed several avalanches caused by coyotes hoping to kill birds using Acme-brand detonators.

A German doctor was ordered to pay the $13,000 medical costs of a woman who overdosed and died after he covered his penis in cocaine before she performed oral sex. The doctor argued he should only pay $12,965 dollars since the woman hadn’t made her copay.

Five tourists were stuck in Grand Canyon Caverns for 26 hours when an elevator used to exit the caverns stopped working. They said it wouldn’t have been so bad, but the mules they rode to the bottom were in the elevator with them.

Massachusetts’ National Assessment of Educational Progress standardardized test scores fell to a 19-year low, surprising experts who thought kids would focus on schoolwork because both the Red Sox and Patriots weren’t that good.

Medical experts say that the virus’ evolution and Americans’ vaccination status have changed the Top 5 COVID symptoms. Sore throat, headache & nasal congestion still top the list, while ‘being hooked up to a respirator’ and ‘death’ dropped to 6 & 7.

McDonald’s is returning McRib to restaurants for what it’s calling the McRib Farewell Tour, saying customers should “enjoy the sandwich like it’s your last” – not because it won’t return again, but because of artery blockage caused by eating one.

Legendary journalist Bob Woodward, promoting a new audiobook featuring interviews with Donald Trump, calls Trump ‘dangerous’ and ‘a threat to democracy’. The audiobook’s title is: ‘Duh’.

Rishi Sunak of the Conservative Party is the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He promised to bring his party and country together until he’s dumped in two weeks.

Rumors renewed that Vladimir Putin is battling cancer due to alleged ‘IV track marks’ on his hands, indicating possible chemotherapy. That, and he’s considering radiation treatment by detonating a dirty bomb in his house.

Two Australian men face felony charges for firing potatoes at e*scooter riders, leaving one of them blind in one eye. Attempts to replace the victim’s damaged eye with one from a potato failed.

A North Carolina high school girls volleyball team forfeited a game against a rival school after a transgender athlete’s spike reportedly caused head & neck injuries to one of their players. The transgender woman’s team also lost two players to broken arms after they high-fived her.

A Tennessee grandfather died in a skydiving accident during a ceremony before a high school football game. The grandfather was credited with a hard touchdown.

The Philadelphia Phillies reached the World Series, leading to thousands of people pouring into city streets, and to frustration of carjackers, angry that delighted fans were jumping on their ride.

Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

A Massachusetts woman being served with an eviction notice unleashed a swarm of bees on police. The woman was arrested, and police apprehended several hundred attack drones.

TikTok is raising their age requirement fot TikTok Live and adding adults-only livestreams. Users will receive multiple content warnings that the dancing grannies they’re about to see are naked.

Liz Truss resigned as the United Kingdom’s Prime Minister after just six weeks. Her replacement is uncertain, but a factory in China is cranking out thousands of Make United Kingdom Great Again hats.

Some electric cars in Florida are bursting into flames after being flooded with saltwater from Hurricane Ian. Even more of them are being flooded with saltwater by 80-year-olds driving them into the ocean while looking for parking near the beach.

American Airlines is discontinuing first class seating in order to install more business class capacity. Passengers can still be upgraded from coach, but will be required to work on a presentation for the big meeting in order to do so.

Environmental experts say bodies of water throughout the U.S. are drying up. Their assessment is confirmed by toddlers, who say the round pools in their backyards disappeared at the end of September.

Kris Jenner underwent hip replacement surgery, some of which was filmed for Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians‘. The osteopathic surgeon removing her hip was stunned to find two more vapid influencers stuck in it.

A five-year-old white Ohio boy claims that he’s the reincarnation of an African-American woman who died in a fire. The story is disputed by workers at his day care, who claim he made it up so he can keep saying the n-word.

A college student who rented an airplane for a dinner date died after walking into its propeller. His date said he misunderstood ‘giving head’.

A Florida sheriff’s deputy was charged for having sex seven times with a 17-year-old in the county’s ‘Youth Cadet’ program. The teenager said they thought it was odd to spend seven straight days roleplaying traffic stops.

Experts refuted a report that Boston University had created a newer, deadlier COVID strain in a lab, determining instead that someone spilled Samuel Adams Oktoberfest into a petri dish.

A woman who had once faked her own kidnapping 13 years ago and fled to Disney World to avoid embezzlement charges is now accused of embezzling from her new employer. Her defense attorney says Disney World has gotten, like, crazy expensive.

Meghan Markle said that her time as a ‘briefcase girl’ on game show Deal Or No Deal made her feel like a ‘bimbo’. Producers of the show say they’re disappointed to hear this, saying they were going for more of a ‘hooker’ vibe.

Apple increased the price of its entry-level iPad from $329 to $449. For the extra money you get a larger screen, USB-C charging, and exclusive preloaded porn you can watch on the toilet.

Two Wyoming college wrestlers on a hunting trip were seriously injured when they were ambushed by a grizzly bear. Their wrestling coach joined wildlife officials in trying to find the bear, so he can offer it a full scholarship.

Barack Obama said Democrats need to avoid being a “buzzkill”. “Yeah, man, I can dig it, you get your Blink-182 tickets yet, Barry?” said his hepcat friend Joey Biden.

Netflix shares rose after posting better-than-expected subscriber growth, which management attributed to murder and cannibalism.

Passengers in business class on a United Airlines flight from Tampa to Newark shrieked when they discovered a garter snake on the floor. Workers removed the snake, who then berated gate agents for causing it to miss its connection to London.

A week after deleting her Instagram account, Britney Spears posted a nude photo on Twitter, saying “I have a premiere for a movie this week ‘THE LEGISLATIVE ACT OF MY P—Y’ !!!!” So far, ‘The Legislative Act Of My P—y‘ is getting way better reviews than her 2002 movie ‘Crossroads‘.

Actor Matthew Perry said he nearly died several years ago when his colon burst because of opioid addiction. He was placed in a coma and had to use a colostomy bag for nine months, which kind of explains why the Friends reunion took a while.

Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

Eclipse, a Seattle dog famous for learning to ride the bus to a dog park alone, has died. To fill the void, multiple homeless Seattle residents have stepped in to ride the bus with their genitals exposed.

Student loan forgiveness applications are now being accepted through a ‘beta test’ website. “What’s a website?” asked borrowers who probably shouldn’t have received student loans.

Alaska’s snow crab harvest is cancelled after millions of the crustaceans disappeared from the state’s coastal waters. Carnival Cruise Lines reported several riots on board ships, when the crab leg station at the buffet was filled with Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was married in a surprise ceremony on Friday. The couple wrote their own vows, with hers beginning “Robert, me love you long time..”

Tom Brady attended Kraft’s wedding solo, without his wife Gisele Bundchen. He successfully avoided a blitz by every single and separated woman in attendance.

Kanye West is acquiring conservative social media app Parler, joining Candace Owens as the only verified black people on Parler.

Hearing aids are now approved for over-the-counter sale, coming to the rescue for hearing-impaired adults, and high school kids who need help cheating or hearing gossip.

A new study finds limited-contact practices to be one of the best ways to reduce head injuries in youth football, followed by having an unathletic kid who gets cut or rides the bench.

Some members of K-pop supergroup BTS are starting their required 18-month military service in the South Korean army. Fellow enlisted men marching in formation with BTS singers are still getting used to having panties thrown in their direction.

New York City congressional candidate Mike Itkis, who’s running on a platform to legalize sex work, released a 13-minute video having sex with porn star Nicole Sage. Itkis may be the first politician in history whose poll numbers go up after f*cking constituents.

A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.

New Zealand will tax agricultural emissions – generated from the dung, urine & burps of cows and sheep – in an effort to curb climate change. Although hiring employees to measure the gas is difficult given the likelihood of comas and death from asphyxiation.

Brett Favre said he’s being “unjustly smeared” for his role redirecting Mississippi welfare funds to a sports facility at Mississippi State University. Favre said he knows a thing or two about unjust smears, having given them with his junk to NFL team massage therapists.

A jury found Infowars’ Alex Jones must pay nearly $1 billion in damages to families of Sandy Hook shooting victims. Jones’ bank accounts are expected to go from a ‘deep state’ to empty.

Two Florida men in separate cars were charged with shooting each other’s daughters during a road rage incident. It’s unclear which car got the good parking spot at Chuck E. Cheese.

Khloe Kardashian told fans she had surgery to remove a small cancerous tumor from her cheek. Since it was her ninth facial procedure, she’ll get the 10th one free.

A Texas family of five was sentenced for storming the Capitol together in the January 6th riots. In other news, Fox News has ordered a sitcom reboot of ‘Party Of Five’.

A Mar a Lago employee told the FBI that Donald Trump ordered him to move boxes from a storage room to his on-site residence. The boxes are alleged to contain classified documents, and a month’s worth of McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.

Social Security payments will incorporate an 8.7% cost-of-living increase in 2023, the highest such increase in 40 years. Manufacturers of wheelchairs and mobility scooters report a surge in demand for custom rims.

Minnesota resident Travis Gienger’s 2,560 pound pumpkin won the World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off in Half Moon Bay, Calif. Gienger returned with his prize to his Minnesota home, where 40 punks smashed it in his driveway overnight.

A dromedary camel was walked by his handler in the drive-thru of an In-N-Out burger restaurant in Las Vegas because the camel loves the french fries. However, it left disappointed because they wouldn’t accept payment from the camel’s American Express card.