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An Amazon delivery driver was caught defecating in a woman’s garden. Worse, he sent her a picture to prove he delivered it.

Disney’s CEO said that fewer people are visiting Disney Parks than they expected. It’s so bad, the robots changed the lyrics to “It’s A Small ‘Crowd’ After All”.

The Tennessee GOP Senate Primary is still “too close to call” between two bigots.

FBI agents executed a federal search warrant on the home of YouTube star Jake Paul. No word on what they were looking for, but they’re seriously disappointed in the view count of the video they took.

The deadline for players to opt out of the upcoming NFL season is 4p.m. today. The deadline to acquire CTE has been extended indefinitely.

Amazon announced Prime Day – typically held in July – will now take place “in the fourth quarter”…taking the place of the holiday formerly known as Christmas.

Cable network Freeform announced the cancellation of mermaid drama ‘Siren’ after three seasons. An executive said the show just didn’t have legs.

A 6-year-old in a London suburb reportedly choked on parts of a blue face mask fried in to the McNuggets she was eating. Her mother requested a different Happy Meal toy.

NASA astronauts aboard the International Space Station shared a music video they made to Travis Tritt’s song “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” – which it was, unless you’re the astronaut who hates country music.

University of Connecticut is cancelling their 2020 men’s football season, saying it’s a safer way of going 0-12.

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Disney employees shared a list with Business Insider of ’15 Things You Should Never Do’ inside Disney Parks. Topping the list? Princesses.

Visitors to Disney World reported a “heavy police presence” outside of the Magic Kingdom yesterday evening, along with a cop shouting into a bullhorn “come out with your oversized puffy white hands up”.

A new book claims Jeffrey Epstein was a member of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, but that he was kicked out for hitting on a member’s teenage daughter – without paying the extra fee the club charges for doing so.

  • The member’s daughter was identified only by her first name: ‘Ivanka’.

Google debuted its newest budget phone, the Pixel 4A. It costs $349 and your privacy.

Scientists discovered male sperm ‘roll like playful otters’ as they swim. Then they run out of energy and ‘die like out-of-shape swimmers at the Jersey Shore’.

The American Heart Association said smoking marijuana is bad for cardiac and lung health, as they announced their endorsement of Flintstones Cannabis Chewables.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly taken their four kids to a ‘remote island fortress’ to save their marriage. They’re also looking for a second remote island fortress to ship their kids if it’s going to work.

Winnepeg Jets player Tucker Poolman had to leave yesterday’s game against the Calgary Flames after taking a puck to the face and leaving a large pool of blood on the ice. The game was halted while the puck and ice were tested for COVID-19.

Amidst their divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole is challenging the prenup she admits to signing in 1996. She’s saying it’s invalid because the name listed on the contract is ‘Ho’.

This weekend, the 80th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place in South Dakota. Organizers say they’ve taken proper precautions to protect those attending, including biker gang masks, signs promoting hog distancing, and handgun washing stations.

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Ellen Degeneres’ wife, Portia de Rossi, posted on social media “I Stand With Ellen”. And, in a follow-up, “I Stand Next To Ellen’s Piles Of Money”.

T-Mobile officially retired the Sprint brand on Monday. Customers are still accidentally saying “goddamned Sprint dropped my call again”.

COVID-19 testing centers are closed all along the east coast due to extreme weather. It gets worse, Isaias tested positive.

Glamour magazine released its list of The Biggest Haircut Trends for Autumn 2020. Topping the list? ‘Actually getting one’.

Scientists analyzing a fossilized dinosaur bone found that it was cancerous. The bone was discovered next to a pile of fossilized cigarette butts.

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter Claudia Conway called Donald Trump a “f***ing idiot” for suggesting children return to classrooms – and, in doing so, vaulted herself to the top of the list of potential Joe Biden running mates.

After losing his penis to an infection, a doctor constructed a new one on a man’s arm. Surgery will eventually move it between his legs, but until then his biggest issues are sex, urination, and proper-fitting long-sleeved shirts.

UFC founder Dana White said The Rock should ‘move fast’ on a reboot after acquiring the now-defunct XFL.  White added the first step should be combing the South Seas for a new XFL Island.

Someone put ‘Trump 2020’ stickers on the tracking collars of black bears in the Asheville, NC region. The stickers were removed and replaced with Blacks For Trump stickers.

Economists say the pandemic has created the first ‘female recession’ because of disproportionate impacts to jobs in child care and teaching. Women are reacting to COVID-19’s impact by not speaking to it.

 

 

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Philadelphia Eagles head coach Doug Pederson tested positive for COVID-19. Twenty Eagles fans called in to local sports talk radio demanding that he be fired.

TMZ reports Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are trying to ‘save’ their relationship – for at least 13 more episodes.

A salmonella outbreak in 35 states has been tied to red onions from California, with possible cross-contamination to white and yellow onions. The FDA has issued its first-ever ‘hold the onions’ order.

A Florida man bought a new $140,000 Porsche with a fake check he printed on his home computer. He was arrested a day later trying to buy Rolex watches with a different check, and is now waiting for a friend to print a check for bail.

Walmart now has ‘health ambassadors’ stationed at the front of stores in an attempt to enforce their rule requiring face masks – and their lesser-known rule requiring shoes and pants.

Tom Brady posted a photo to Instagram that showed he still uses an iPhone 6. Brady has yet to comment, but it’s probably difficult to move all that video of other team’s practices to a new phone.

A&E Network will premiere ‘Biography: The Nine Lives of Ozzy Osbourne’ on September 7th. The production took years to film, and more years deciphering what Ozzy was saying.

An Australian company is now selling a vodka infused with extreme hot sauce, Bunster’s Sh*t The Bed Infused Vodka. Drink it and you’ll be three sheets to the wind, and two sheets to the garbage can.

Pro wrestling twins Nikki and Brie Bella welcomed baby boys within a day of each other, after each tapped out of the birth canal.

Chinese automaker Kandi plans to introduce a low-cost electric car, the K27, which will retail for around $20,000. However it has a range of just 100 miles, and uses 500 AA batteries.

 

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The first wave of lawsuits over workplace deaths during the COVID-19 pandemic have started. So far, most of them are targeting meatpacking plants, filed by the families of cows.

A 2004 video surfaced of Donald Trump being denied in-person voting at multiple NYC locations because he wasn’t registered at them. To prevent being refused service in the future, he proceeded to register at 36 metropolitan NYC McDonald’s restaurants.

Ellen Degeneres issued an apology for allowing a toxic work environment at her daytime talk show. She also apologized for the time she gave the audience books and socks during the 12 Days Of Holiday Giveaways.

Google’s in-home assistant Nest Hub Max added new games you can play on the device, including ‘Trivia Crack’, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’, and ‘Guess What We’re Doing With Your Social Security Number’.

Jeff Bezos dropped $10 million on a property adjacent to the Beverly Hills estate he recently acquired for $165 million. And by dropped, he literally had $10 million fall out of his pants as he walked by it.

Comcast lost 477,000 cable tv customers between April and June, and found another 500,000 on hold waiting to cancel.

Walt Disney World closed Tomorrowland’s Carousel of Progress for a day – and renamed it Platform Of Repair.

Coca-Cola will enter the hard seltzer market with a brand called Topo Chico – which translates loosely to ‘drink of top-heavy chicks’.

Nicki Minaj’s husband, a felon and convicted sex offender, asked a judge to be present when his pregnant wife’s baby breaks out of jail.

Nicole Denison, 29, a flight attendant for Allegiant Air, was arrested for assault after she returned home to find another woman, and her husband in the upright & locked position.

 

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NFL legend Deion Sanders said his Pro Football Hall of Fame bust looks like ‘a white dude from Upstate New York’.  “See? I told you I was a great athlete!” said white dudes from Upstate New York to their wives and girlfriends.

Taylor Swift changed the logo on her ‘Folklore’ album merchandise after the owner of a black-owned business – named ‘The Folklore’ – called her on it. Swift’s team agreed to change the logo, which now reads ‘The Thriller’.

Donald Trump tweeted a suggestion that the November election be delayed because of the coronavirus. He’s suggesting a move from the 3rd of the month to the 31st.

Sonic Drive-In unveiled its first redesigned restaurant in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, featuring a covered patio and lawn games. The grand opening was attended by a hand-selected VIP list of pre-diabetics.

Buffalo Bills defensive lineman Star Lotulelei has opted out of the upcoming NFL season. The Bills told other players they’re also free to opt out, that you don’t have to be a Star to not be in their show.

Archaeologists say they’ve discovered the likely source of Stonehenge’s giant Sarsen stones – bigger stones.

The Yaraka Hotel in the rural Australian outback banned two local emus, Kevin & Carol, because they learned to climb the stairs from the lobby to the pub, where they steal food. Kevin & Carol said they only used the stairs because the elevator was broken.

Manhattan judge Loretta Preska has agreed to delay the unsealing of depositions related to Ghislaine Maxwell’s sex life until Maxwell can file an appeal, and until the Trump Foundation’s check clears.

Despite an announced plan to move them out of the city, federal agents once again tear-gassed protesters in Portland. The agents claim they needed to use up the tear gas because there just isn’t enough room in their carry-ons for the flight home.

A Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department investigation concluded that a Starbucks employee put a cleaning cloth – not a tampon, as originally reported – in an off-duty cop’s drink. Employees at the coffee shop then resumed wiping down tables and chairs with tampons.

 

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A shark of “significant size” – sighted off the Long Island coast – closed beaches there. This was disappointing to both beachgoers, and to the shark, who hoped to dine on swimmers of “significant size”.

Women are posting black-and-white selfies with the caption “Challenge Accepted”, as a way of showing support for women peers. They’re also posting “Challenge Declined” after Donald Trump asked them to make the pictures nudes.

Philadelphia City Schools announced all classes will be held virtually from September through the first grading period in November. Dropouts will be invited to a dedicated Zoom lobby to transact their usual business online between classes.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, MacKenzie Scott, says she’s already given away $1.7 billion of her fortune. Her former pool boy is now retired and interviewing pool girls.

McDonald’s is closing 200 restaurants, over half of them are located inside Walmarts. They say Walmart managers are tired of senior citizens driving their cars through the entrance.

A source close to Kim Kardashian told the New York Post that Kim feels Kanye ‘may have hit rock bottom’ – after many years hitting big bottom.

Philadelphia exotic dancers held a “stripper strike” at a public park to create awareness toward improving working conditions at gentleman’s clubs. They also gave kids lots of new moves to try out on the climbing bars.

The camera used to record Los Angeles Police officers beating Rodney King in 1991 is going up for auction, with an asking price of $225,000. Cameras used to record hundreds of other acts of excessive police violence are available for a lot less at the Apple Store.

Budweiser is launching Budweiser Zero, a 50-calorie, alcohol free beer. Exectutives are hoping to steal market share from tap water.

A 1,000-year-old natural remedy made from onion, garlic, wine and bile salts has shown promise in clinical trials treating diabetic foot and leg infections. The trials began following diabetics showing improved symptoms after blacking out eating the Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden.

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Kim Kardashian joined husband Kanye West in Wyoming amid speculation about the future of their marriage. Kardashian was photographed crying next to West in the car as they left Wendy’s, presumably after looking up the calorie count of what she just ate.

Chicago White Sox pitcher Michael Kopech filed for divorce from his pregnant wife, ‘Riverdale’ actress Vanessa Morgan, after seeing a sonogram that appeared to have Jughead’s crown on it.

A Houston doctor who claims hydroxychloroquine is the cure for COVID-19 is daring Dr. Anthony Fauci to give a urine sample to prove he’s not taking it. She’s seeking the pants he urinated in right after he threw out that first pitch at the Nationals season opener.

Donald Trump, Jr had his Twitter account restricted after posting videos of the Houston doctor’s false claims of a COVID-19 cure. So, his assistant that knows how to work a smartphone is temporarily out of a job.

The GOP unveiled their latest $1 trillion coronavirus relief bill, reducing weekly unemployment payments from $600 to $200. “NOW what are we gonna do?” asked Jaguar dealers.

A Lynchburg, Virginia Chick-fil-A is offering a free entree and a $10 bill to anyone who exchanges a $10 roll of coins. Lynchburg, Virginia’s best & brightest immediately went to work creating a paper roll that holds a thousand pennies.

A woman died after an apparent shark attack while swimming in Maine. The shark doesn’t expect people to understand, but sometimes you just get sick of lobster.

Teens in Memphis rioted at a Putt-Putt golf course after being denied refunds after getting kicked out for their rowdy behavior. It got so bad, they’re still trying to remove the windmill from the clown’s mouth.

With kids everywhere bored over theme & water park closures during COVID-19 lockdowns, Wham-O classic backyard Slip ‘N Slide sales are up 160%. Also up 160% – emergency room visits for deep bone bruises.

The NFL will allow players to put the names of black crime victims on the back of their helmets. They won’t allow players to put their own names on the helmets, for fear they’ll look at it and cheat on their in-game concussion exams.

 

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Google announced employees will work from home until summer of 2021, saving the company $2 billion in free soft drinks and snacks.

The New York Giants will release Pro Bowl kicker Aldrick Rosas following his arrest earlier this summer for DUI and hit-and-run. Rosas tried to kick his drinking habit but missed.

17 Jersey Shore lifeguards tested positive for COVID-19 after attending parties. About 50 riptide rescues tested positive after mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Kim Jong Un admitted the coronavirus has entered North Korea, but vowed to contain it with firing squads.

‘The Kissing Booth 2’ topped Netflix ratings over the weekend, as men continue to be shut out of viewing decisions.

Comet Neowise will be viewable one last time before it disappears into deep space for another 6,000 years, when it will be renamed Comet Deadbeat Dad.

Delta Airlines said they’ll strictly enforce an in-flight mask policy, and said passengers with health conditions preventing them from wearing one should consider not traveling at all. “Woof!” said an angry Delta flyer with kennel cough.

Dickson Yeo pleaded guilty to ‘being an illegal agent of a foreign power’ – providing China with U.S. Government secrets – after targeting officials on LinkedIn. His arrest followed LinkedIn emails titled “Congratulate Dickson on his five-year spying anniversary!”

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson said “I was too fat” as he joins a nationwide campaign to fight obesity. Donald Trump is thinking of doing something similar, telling Melania she ought to drop a few pounds.

Rapper Post Malone filed for trademarks as a step toward launching the first professional beer pong league. Douchebags from around the globe will compete for the coveted Post Malone Swollen Liver trophy.

 

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A Christopher Columbus statue was removed in Chicago. It took over a thousand gunshots to bring down.

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spoke on the House floor about being insulted and called a “f*cking b*tch” by fellow Rep Ted Yoho. Yoho is retiring from Congress to finally live the life of a pirate.

One Direction celebrated their ten-year anniversary, leaving many to wonder if they, too, should celebrate their anniversaries after they broke up.

The CDC released controversial guidelines in favor of children returning to school. Absenteeism will require a note signed by a coroner.

Taylor Swift’s surprise new 14-song album is getting rave reviews from critics, fans and the 14 guys who dumped her.

Friday is National Tequila Day, with revelers all set to celebrate and wake up on National Tuesday.

Pew Research released on online calculator that tells you whether you’re part of the upper, middle, or lower class. If you need to borrow a computer to use the calculator, you’re lower.

A woman viewer emailed Victoria Price – a reporter at WFLA Florida – to say she saw a small lump on her neck and to see a doctor. Price did and discovered thyroid cancer. Now, male viewers are emailing the hot meteorologist offering to check her breasts for lumps.

The NFL’s former Washington Redskins will adopt the temporary name Washington Football Team for the 2020 season. Female ex-employees modified their documentation so they’re now suing the Washington Football Team for sexual harassment.

Boston sports talk radio host Fred Toucher – whose on-air rants about subjects including his divorce concerned coworkers –  said he’s taking time off and will enter a mental institution. Listeners question whether he’ll still be qualified for sports talk radio if his mental illness is cured.