By |

Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.

 

By |

NBA star Steph Curry’s new Under Armour basketball shoe, the Curry 6, was co-designed by 9-year-old Riley Morrison, who had questioned why past versions didn’t come in women’s sizes. Curry’s will be the first lavender shoe in NBA games with light-up heels.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison, a punishment approximate to the 48 months U.S. citizens were given in November, 2016.

A German man was sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder by poisoning his coworkers’ sandwiches. Defense attorneys unsuccessfully argued the coworkers were killing themselves anyway, since they were eating liverwurst.

UrbanSitter published rates to hire babysitters in 28 U.S. locations. The highest hourly rate was in San Francisco, which averaged nearly $20/hour, to a low of $0 in Mobile, Alabama & Hattiesburg, Mississippi – where respondents asked “why would I pay the dog?”

SpaceX’s Crew Dragon safely returned home from its supply delivery mission to the International Space Station, with pilot dummy ‘Ripley’ intact. Ripley will now be kept under observation for a week to see what pops out of its stomach.

Buffalo Bills GM Brandon Beane issued a public statement refuting reports that the Bills would acquire Steelers WR Antonio Brown, saying he’d prefer to groom malcontents instead of getting one off-the-shelf.

Disney shareholders narrowly approved a $35 million pay package for CEO Bob Iger. A dissenting voter at the annual meeting was quoted saying “Gawrsh! Guh-hoot, guh-hoot, when’s he gawrna start payin US more? Guh-hoot..”

President Trump will visit the site of Alabama tornadoes, which claimed the lives of 23 people. He’s expected to be joined by members of the National Weather Service & Army Corps of Engineers, assigned to monitor winds and keep his hair in place.

Philadelphia banned cashless businesses. Lawmakers argued that a quarter of city residents live in poverty and don’t have credit cards — meaning they probably don’t have cash, either, but, hey, let’s fix the symptom instead of the disease.

A new report claims the FDA is allowing manufacturers of wound-closing surgical staplers to hide incidents of malfunction, causing bleeding or death. The stapler malfunctions were brought to light by coroners examining cadavers’ surgical incisions closed with Scotch tape and paper clips.

 

By |

Lehigh University instituted a ban on hard alcohol at all fraternity and sorority houses. The measure is intended to help Greek organizations focus their hazing efforts on physical & emotional abuse.

Jerry Merryman, co-inventor of the handheld calculator, died at age 86.  Merryman said he was proud to introduce a generation of young boys to 80085.

Two female NASA astronauts and a Canadian female flight controller will conduct the first all-female space walk. They intend to walk for a few minutes, then spend an hour having coffee.

Utah residents Michael Lee and Angela Peang, who are first cousins, went to Colorado so they could be legally married. They’re petitioning Utah to recognize their right for cousins to legally marry, adding if that doesn’t work out, they’ll just settle in Mississippi.

President Trump hosted corporate business leaders at the White House, and referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’. Trump then expressed anger & disappointment that Bill Microsoft and Jack Twitter were no-shows.

Four Canadian wolves were captured and air-dropped on Lake Superior’s Isle Royale National Park in Michigan, in order to bolster the dwindling wolf population and control a growing moose population. Local moose then held a hearing to deal with illegal wolf immigration and plummeting moose-house prices.

Residents of Cardwell, Australia are mourning the loss of ‘Bismarck’, an 80-year-old 15-foot crocodile believed to have been shot & killed. Residents say they’d grown to love Bismarck, since he was a huge tourist attraction, and because during his 80-year life he’d only eaten two of their kids.

Queen Elizabeth, aged 92, made her first photo contribution to the @theRoyalFamily ‘s official Instagram account – although skeptics immediately questioned whether that’s really her in the bikini.

A Seattle man robbed $600 in cash from Girl Scouts selling cookies outside of a grocery store. Police distributed a photo of the suspect, as the Scouts gear up to earn their secret merit badge in Vigilante Justice.

Following the closure of a Blockbuster Video location in Perth, Australia, there remains just one Blockbuster store in Bend, Oregon. The manager says the store is a tourist attraction and will remain open, and in fact they’re hiring workers to beat nearby Redbox machines with crowbars.

By |

Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.

 

By |

The latest viral video craze is the Cheese Challenge, where parents capture video while tossing cheese slices on infants’ faces. Critics say if parents want to punish their kids with processed food, they should just wait until they’re old enough for Lunchables.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its vehicles to 112 mph. Police and auto engineers are confident that pedestrians struck & killed by speeding Volvos will survive if the driver is going under 113 mph.

The FDA has approved ketamine nasal spray to treat clinical depression. Side effects include increased sadness when you blow your nose.

Stormy Daniels will make her stand-up comedy debut later this month. No word on who will be fluffing the audience before her headline set.

HBO aired two-part documentary ‘Leaving Neverland’, where two men accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them as young boys. HBO’s next project is ‘Leaving Sunday Mass’, where men & women document molestation by Catholic priests. Part I will air over the course of 12,000 consecutive nights.

The House Judiciary Committee sent letters to over 80 associates & family members of Donald Trump, seeking information about illegal business activity. To ensure they open it, Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr.’s were put in an envelope reading “You May Have Already Won A Million Dollars!”

Legendary pro wrestler King Kong Bundy died at age 61. He is survived by his wife, Queen Kong Bundy.

For just the second time since the global epidemic began, a person has been cured of H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS. The patient in question is still, however, in a bit of a drought getting laid.

Parents of Peter Zhu, a 21-year-old who died after a skiing accident, received a judge’s permission to retrieve his sperm for “.. preserving some piece of our child that might live on.” The accident and subsequent sperm retrieval was called “my worst day ever” by a guy on Ski Patrol.

A 17-year-old Wisconsin teen was charged with putting Xylazine – cow tranquilizers – in his stepfather’s energy drinks. The stepfather’s symptoms included a droopy face, slurred speech, and failure to remember siring at least a half-dozen calves.

By |

Jeana Wesson, a Texas high school science teacher, was charged with locking the door of her classroom and molesting a 17-year-old student. Wesson was the boy’s chemistry teacher – and successfully convinced him that they had it.

Kylie Jenner accused boyfriend & baby-daddy Travis Scott of cheating after looking at his cell phone. Scott stayed in California to be with Jenner, cancelling a show in Buffalo, which everyone says he was really, really looking forward to.

Amazon is discontinuing Dash Buttons – which they created for easily reordering products. So now smooth operators accustomed to pressing a button to reorder Trojan condoms have an even better excuse for not having one.

Amazon also announced plans to open a new chain of grocery stores separate from Whole Foods, after surprising customer research found many Amazon Prime members weren’t pretentious organic-obsessed jerks.

Johnny Depp is suing ex-wife Amber Heard for $50 million, claiming defamation of character and alleging Heard had an affair with Elon Musk. Heard is expected to present a simple defense, claiming she couldn’t defame Depp’s character more than ‘Mortdecai’.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its cars to 112 mph in an effort to improve safety and reduce the risk of fatal accidents, and was dropping its sponsorship of the Soccer Mom Drag Racing Association of New Haven, Connecticut.

Melania Trump begins a three-city tour in support of her ‘Be Best’ anti-bullying initiative. Today, the First Lady will visit a school in Tulsa, followed by a visit to a technology company in Seattle. Nordstrom is now, apparently, a technology company.

Nintendo announced discounts on Mario-themed video games for March 10, Mario Day. Moms are busily practicing corny Italian accents to say “I’m-a not-a getting it for-a you..”

Enterpreneur Marc Köhlbrugge launched Expensive Chat, a web-based chat service where every character typed costs a penny. Köhlbrugge thinks the idea could be further developed, as soon as he figures out how to keep users from quitting because there’s no way to post nude selfies.

Ariana Grande made history in February, becoming the first artist since The Beatles to have all three top songs in the Billboard Hot 100, and the first to do it without possessing any musical talent.

 

By |

President Trump said he takes North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ‘at his word’ when denying involvement in the death of American prisoner Otto Warmbier. Democrats found it unbelievable that Trump finds Un believable.

Trump took to Twitter to demand Congress obtain a manuscript of Michael Cohen’s purported tell-all book — then give him the gist of it with lots of pictures so he can say he read it.

In the wake of sexual misconduct allegations, singer Ryan Adams scheduled tour of the U.K. & Ireland has been cancelled, although the backstage meet-and-greets are still on.

Jason Witten will leave the Monday Night Football announcer booth and return to play tight end for the Dallas Cowboys next season – a move that surprised many because Tony Romo didn’t call it right before it happened.

Governor of Washington state Jay Inslee announced his plan to seek the Democratic nomination for President. Inslee will run on a platform about climate change – and is already making a difference, given the cool reception to his candidacy.

Amazon is giving Prime members the option to choose a single day of the week to have their packages delivered. Amazon says this lets them conserve resources, reduce their carbon footprint, and help porch pirates plan their schedules.

Nintendo’s job recruitment website says its employees in Japan stay with the company an average of 13.5 years and make $80,000 annually – even more if they avoid turtles and find bonus levels.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics posted data showing the highest-paying job in every state. Doctors & surgeons topped the rankings in most states, with the exception of the Deep South, where dentists typically are broke and bored from lack of patients.

The company that owns Old Navy and Gap are splitting them up. Gap will be combined with Banana Republic in a new company dubbed ‘Mom & Dad’ and Old Navy will operate as an independent company called ‘God, just leave me alone.’

Sexual abuse claims against Catholic priests and their church dioceses in New York State threaten to send them into bankruptcy. So keep an eye out for great deals on stained glass windows and reclaimed hardwood benches.

 

By |

FedEx recruited the inventor of the Segway to build a new delivery robot. FedEx called on Segway because they want to ensure the robot looks ridiculous.

All employees at three Sonic Drive-Ins in Ohio walked off the job after the locations were sold to new management – resulting in the temporary closure of all 3. Regular customers were found passed out in their cars after spending hours shouting orders heard by no one in to a speaker.

A ‘Dinner Delivered’ food delivery driver in Tennessee was arrested for allegedly placing his testicles in a customer’s salsa because they’d only tipped him 89 cents on a prior visit. The salsa went from chunky to chunkier.

#TheWorstPartsOfMyJob is trending on Twitter, with one verified account tweeting “Anything that isn’t Executive Time.”

A 12-year-old Arizona student told police that he was ordered to ‘stand guard’ while his 13-year-old friend and their teacher, 27-year-old Brittany Zamora, groped each other. The 12-year-old described Zamora as “not a good person”, adding he never got a turn.

The Masked Singer concluded Wednesday. The winner, Monster, was revealed to be rapper T-Pain. He defeated finalists Bee – Gladys Knight; and Peacock – Donny Osmond. The search begins for Season 2, which will take a half-hour to lock in forgotten rappers and celebs who were big in the 70s and 80s.

Producers of ‘Suicide Squad 2’ announced that Will Smith will not appear as Deadshot. Smith cited scheduling issues, including promotion for his big blue genie in the live-action Aladdin, also known as Career Suicide Squad.

The equipment manager for Indiana University Pennsylvania’s basketball team forgot to pack the team’s uniforms for a road game at Edinboro University, so they had to use the host team’s old uniforms. Worse, they were football uniforms.

Robocalls grew 325 percent in 2018, leaving cell phone owners annoyed at the intrusion, and wondering why their credit cards still don’t have lower rates after they gave that guy their social security number.

An all-female version of Broadway hit ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ is in the works. Casting will begin as soon as script writers figure out how to fill two hours of stage time showing angry women in an office not speaking to each other.

An original Disney Mouseketeer, Dennis Day, has been missing for 7 months. Mickey Mouse Club officials say they’re changing the C in the theme song lyrics from “see you real soon!” to something else.

By |

A rhinoceros seriously injured a Jacksonville zookeeper during a training session, where neither of them did very well.

After being bitten while feeding a stray cat, a Florida woman was charged over $48,000 for precautionary rabies vaccines. The cat just assumed it wouldn’t be adopted.

The black box from the Amazon Prime Air crash in Houston has yet to be delivered to the FAA. The FAA got an email from Amazon saying a shipment label has been printed, but no delivery date is set.

Detric Lee McGowan, a South Carolina man who gained notoriety for mysteriously buying $540 worth of Girl Scout cookies, was arrested on charges of manufacturing heroin and fentanyl pills. “Look, we don’t ask where the money comes from, we just sell the cookies” said an agitated Girl Scout.

Michael Cohen is set to testify before Congress that President Donald Trump is a liar, conman and a racist — leaving Congress wondering what to ask about for the remaining eight hours after that first minute is up.

United Methodists rejected a resolution that would have permitted LGBTQ clergy and approved same-sex marriage. They’re considering a new resolution to change their name to Occasionally United Methodists.

Starbucks opened its largest location, a 32,000 square foot store in Tokyo. The store features multiple exhibits and a large meeting space, so employees can practice calling the cops on non-Japanese visitors who don’t buy anything.

Just a week after Duke’s Zion Williamson had his Nike shoe split open during a game, Indiana’s Justin Smith had the same thing happen to him with an Adidas shoe. NCAA major-college coaches are now seeing if larger sizes are still available at the Payless going-out-of-business sale.

Gerber selected Kairi Yang, an infant of Hmong ethnicity, from over a half-million applicants to be its 2019 Spokesbaby. Yang was selected because it was 5 o’clock and her picture was on top of the pile.

Viral video app TikTok is launching a series of online safety videos. They say it will help users navigate the proper way to eat detergent or snort condoms and pull them out of your mouth.

 

By |

Triclosan, an antimicrobial ingredient in deodorant, body spray & mouthwash, was shown to limit the effectiveness of antibiotics in mice. Researchers found that although the antibiotics given to mice for infections didn’t work, the body spray and mouthwash used by the mice meant they were still able to make out with chicks.

An exposé in The Verge claims that Facebook moderators screening violent & sexual content are subjected to high levels of stress, which they deal with by smoking weed and having sex on the job. They then post the sex pics on Facebook to keep coworkers busy.

A Donald Trump lookalike and a Kim Jong Un lookalike were both expelled from Vietnam prior to the summit between the U.S. & North Korean leaders. Summit organizers were worried that the lookalikes would make a mockery of the Trump/Kim summit by actually getting something done.

A Cincinnati Bengals season ticket holder is suing the team, saying he suffered shoulder damage after slipping & falling on vomit in the men’s room. The team claims that as a 20-year season ticket holder the victim should know how avoid injury from people vomiting while watching the Bengals.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly paid for sex at a Florida spa on the morning of his team’s AFC Championship Game win over the Chiefs. The appointment appeared on his calendar as “stretching with the team.”

The Buffalo Bills are looking for a new person to wear the costume of their mascot, Billy Buffalo. They must be good with children, have a valid driver’s license, and be able to perform mascot duties after housing an 18-pack of Labatt Blue during pregame tailgate.

Ivanka Trump criticized the $52,000 minimum staffer salary for Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, saying “people want to work for what they get.” As an example, Ivanka produced the stellar report card that earned her fake breasts and a nose job.

A study by the London School of Hygiene claims fecal matter can be found on 1 of every 6 smartphones — and 5 out of every 6 that downloaded the Kama Sutra app.

Target is launching its own collection of $9.99/bottle wine. Walmart declined comment, other than saying they see brisk sales of their $4.99 kits to make wine in your toilet.

Rotten Tomatoes will no longer allow audience reviews of movies prior to a film’s release, after trolls bombarded the site with negative reviews of Captain Marvel that many deemed misogynist, and negative reviews of A Madea Family Funeral that everyone deemed probably accurate.