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San Francisco 49ers QB Brock Purdy got married to Jenna Brandt. Said the officiant: “I now pronounce you Purdy & Purdy-er”

Actress Neve Campbell is returning for horror flick Scream 7 after abandoning Scream 6 over inadequate pay. Producers may kill her off after that, and she’ll be Scream 8-ed.

A Conoco gas station in Camden, New Jersey was found to be selling fuel contaminated with 58% water. The gas was also really expensive because water there costs $3.50 a bottle.

A man impersonating a nurse at a suburban Philadelphia urgent care asked a woman there taking a pre-employment drug test to urinate while he watched, then gave her his phone number. They both ended up disappointed; he was arrested and she failed the drug test.

A New Jersey cockfighting ring was broken up. Police grabbed dozens of cocks, and organizers face 3 to 5 years cooped up.

Atlantic City’s boardwalk is getting $20 million in upgrades — $19,500,00 for new planks, and $500,000 in bedroom furniture underneath it for prostitutes.

British pop singer Lily Allen said in an interview that her children “complete” her, but that they also “ruined her career”. Allen spoke following the release and disappointing sales of her new single ‘Wheels On The Bus’.

Jennifer Lopez canceled several dates on her ‘This Is Me…Now’ Tour, notifying ticketholders ‘This Was Supposed to Be Me…But Isn’t…Now’.

The House of Representatives passed a bill to force TikTok to divest from its Chinese parent company or be banned in the U.S. The bill gained bipartisan support, from Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg and X’s Elon Musk.

Child actor Drake Bell accused a Nickelodeon network voice coach of sexual abuse during the filming of his ‘Drake & Josh’ tv show. Ironically, the voice coach told him not to speak up.

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Donald Trump referred to himself as ‘Honest Don’ in a Truth Social post. And followed that up by announcing the grand opening Mar a Lago Used Auto Mall.

Five Iron Golf – an chain of indoor golf simulators, is growing in popularity and attracting investors. Many golfers actually prefer it because every 18 holes they save at least a half hour they’d spend looking for lost balls.

Kim Kardashian shared her facial treatment on Instagram before attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party – disappointing millions of followers who only saw Kim Kardashian Facial.

Kim’s Oscar night face regimen was detailed in a series of videos, whose collective run time was exceeded only by Killers Of The Flower Moon.

Madonna criticized a fan attending her concert for sitting down, then realized the fan was sitting in a wheelchair. Madonna later called out the fan for Vogue’ing with just their arms.

There’s growing concern among parents & child development experts over ‘Sephora Kids’ – tweens that spend money on expensive adult skincare regimens. It’s so bad, girls are tossing out Malibu Barbie because they’re worried about her melanoma risk.

A man in Lehigh County, Pennsylvania is wanted for exposing himself to a group of kids walking their dog. He escaped before the dog could positively ID him by sniffing his butt.

Crime in Oakland, California has reached the point where all Taco Bell locations are drive-thru only. Employees are delighted that they no longer have to clean the restrooms, although their job hosing down the parking lot is no picnic, either.

Wesley Burris, a New Mexico man who was treated for radiation exposure after 1945 nuclear tests there, said he has no ill will toward the movie ‘Oppenheimer‘. He does, however, want his money back for ‘Madame Web’.

A British influencer said a trip to Thailand showed her how expensive her life in England is, and that she’s cutting out four things that save her almost $1,000 month – daily coffees, restaurant dinners, new clothes, and trips to Thailand.

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An Alaska Airlines jet carrying pets arrived at its Portland, Oregon airport gate with its cargo door already open. People living near the airport said it was raining cats & dogs.

Senator Katie Britt admitted the human trafficking anecdote she shared to criticize President Biden’s immigration policies happened before his presidency..and was actually the movie Taken.

The FDA finally outlawed brominated vegetable oil, an ingredient in citrus sodas banned in most other countries that contibutes to metabolic disease. Recall notices were being prepared for Mountain Dew Lemon-Lime Thyroid Blast.

A new study finds diets that mimic fasting five days a month lowers biologic age. Study participants say they haven’t felt this great since they were starving five years ago.

Pope Francis suggested Ukraine show “the courage of the white flag” and give in to Russia. He also suggested altar boys show “the courage of the White Claw’ and party with him at his place.

Oppenheimer won seven Oscars including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and most frequently mentioned film that people said they loved but couldn’t finish.

$2.99 Trader Joe’s canvas tote bags are reselling for hundreds of dollars online. They were originally made to help customers collect the pieces that fall off their car when it gets hit in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Dan Hilferty, CEO of the parent company of the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, said the team will pay a $50,000 fine incurred by head coach John Tortorella for arguing with referees. Hilferty heard from Donald Trump, who said he’s a huge Flyers fan and was wondering if Hilferty wanted to pay off any of his judgments.

Princess Kate Middleton apologized for Buckingham Palace releasing a modified photo of her & her family, attributing it to her “experimenting with editing”. The Kardashian/Jenner family then apologized 50,000 times for every photo they’ve ever shared.

A human resources expert tells CNBC that they spend “25 times” longer reviewing LinkedIn profiles versus resumes. And another “50 times” longer than that getting ready to fire people.

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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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The FDA warned consumers not to purchase 6 brands of ground cinnamon containing high levels of lead. This, after some people put the cinnamon in the hot cider they were holding and broke their arm.

A University of Pittsburgh study that followed women for 15 years concluded that 28% of women remain “highly interested” in sex in their 50s and 60s – just as long as their partners are okay talking about it for an hour before and after.

YouTuber turned pro boxer Jake Paul will fight 57-year-old Mike Tyson. Tyson is expected to be paid a lot more than he’s earned for his recent fights against CTE and arthritis.

Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, armorer on Alec Baldwin movie ‘Rust’, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. Prison officials checked their camera to ensure there weren’t any live rounds in it before her mugshot.

North West’s best friend shared images of private text messages between the two while West recorded video. The texts were mostly heart emojis, but her other texts from her Dad had some pretty crazy stuff about Israel in them.

New England oceanographers spotted a rare gray whale, which hadn’t been seen in 200 years. It’s either a gray whale, or a really old black whale that decided to stop coloring its blubber.

Las Vegas airport will test the first TSA self-screening check-in terminals. They’re trialing the system with locally-employed exotic dancers, so other passengers can watch as they give themselves a pat-down.

A study found people consuming refined carbohydrates are rated as “more attractive” by heterosexuals of the opposite gender. The study surveyed guys who looked at thin women eating a dozen donuts when they thought no one could see them.

A Texas mom whose son had his drink stolen by a school bully mixed a new drink that the bully took, drank, and sent him to the hospital vomiting. The mom was arrested, but released and now has a thriving business making puke Gatorade for nerds.

The Buffalo Bills resigned backup quarterback Mitch Trubisky after his release from the Pittsburgh Steelers, causing his wife to post a celebratory message on Instagram about going back to Buffalo. Hillary Trubisky remains under observation.

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MTV Teen Mom Janelle Evans is leaving her husband, asking for full custody of their child, and graduating to VH1 Adult Divorcee.

Just one day after retiring from the NFL, Jason Kelce made good on his promise to Buffalo Bills fans and jumped on to a flaming table, per their tailgate tradition. Kelce just needs to return to Buffalo, warm his hands down the back of his wife’s pants during a winter game, and throw a dildo on to the field to become Bills Mafia King.

A Microsoft engineer warned that the company’s Copilot AI image creator generates violent sexual imagery. Hearing this, dozens of high-school garage bands used it to make their album covers.

A Massachusetts man is suing the federal government for $9.5 million after he crashed his snowmobile in to a Blackhawk helicopter parked on a little-used airfeld. He lost his snowmobile, the use of his arm, and any fun he thought he’d have on a helicopter ride.

So You Think You Can Dance creator/producer/host Nigel Lythgoe faces his fourth sexual assault allegation in three months. Co-host Paula Abdul accused him of being Straight Up, and other women say he asked them So You Think You Can Take Off My Pants?.

CBS ordered a Young Sheldon spinoff series featuring older brother Georgie and wife Mandy, as they raise their baby together in Texas. It’s tentatively titled No Sheldon.

Director James Gunn shared the first shooting location of his Superman reboot – Norway, where Superman flees to his Fortress Of Solitude to wait it out and see just how f*cked up things are after the 2024 Presidential Election.

A man making a social media video walked in to a Glassboro, NJ store and dunked his head in a barrel of pickles, forcing the store to discard them. Police are asking for the public’s help, especially barbers if their customer’s head reeks of vinegar.

A Missouri teacher is accused of attempting to murder her husband by adding toxic lily of the valley plant to 8 beverages, causing severe illness. He’s recovering and learning how to make his own smoothies.

Buffalo Bils QB Josh Allen split his pants at dinner while in Paris with actress girlfriend Hailee Steinfeld as they attended Paris Fashion Week. Allen joked about the mishap, and was invited to model his torn pants at Buffalo Fashion Week.

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Fired former Twitter employees are suing Elon Musk for severance payments. These Ex-employees are demanding to be paid like X employees.

Rice Krispies Treats edged out Doritos as the nation’s most popular snack, with voters appreciating how much of them remained stuck to their teeth while they completed the survey.

A guest at the Venetian Las Vegas hotel was bit in the testicles by a scorpion in his bed. He was treated and released at a local hospital, and saved $300 off the going rate for being bit in the testicles in your Las Vegas hotel room.

Millennials are poised to become the richest population group in history, with $90 trillion in wealth expected to be transferred to them from prior generations..if they can just hang on in their boomer parents basements for a few more years.

Bowflex filed for bankruptcy, notifying a judge with a 30-minute infomercial he saw on tv at 12:30a.m.

A new satellite was launched into orbit, with a sole purpose to track methane gas – responsible for 30% of global warming. So far it’s produced a detailed map of cow pastures and Mexican restaurants.

Comedian Nick Swardson was deemed too intoxicated to perform and was escorted off stage 20 minutes in to his set at a Colorado theater. Then they brought out Rob Schneider and the crowd asked if Swardson could return.

Ultra-processed foods such as cereals and fizzy drinks have now been linked to 32 harmful health effects. Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes boxes are being updated with Tony The Tiger saying “they’re grrrrreat! for gaining weight!”

The family of porn star Emily Willis started a GoFundMe to raise $60,000 to cover her medical bills after an apparent drug overdose. They were going to start an OnlyFans but the nurses kept ruining the shots.

Viral video shows a turf war brawl outside of a Bangkok hotel between transgender prostitutes from Thailand and the Philippines. Police arrested dozens, who were then released in to the custody of TLC Network executives offering them a reality show.

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Country singer Kacey Musgraves collaborated on a $56 candle with company Boy Smells…since Gwyneth Paltrow already had the candle market for Girl Smells cornered.

Singapore reportedly paid Taylor Swift millions to be the only nation in Southeast Asia hosting her Eras Tour. Nonetheless, North Koreans called watching Kim Jong Un in a blonde wig lip-syncing to three hours of her songs ‘the greatest concert ever’.

Kanye West was told he couldn’t perform shows in Europe, Australia & Asia because of his ‘controversial image’. There’s that, and those countries’ shortage of blacks.

Good news: a new study finds taking daily fiber supplements improves brain function in adults 60 & older in a matter of weeks. Bad news: the seniors now do all their best thinking while on the toilet.

Donald Trump supporters are allegedly creating AI deepfake pictures of him with black people to convince them to vote for him. They say it’s working, but others don’t believe that’s really him playing in the NBA All-Star Game.

A man died of Vitamin D toxicity, according to an autopsy showing he had lethal levels of milk & sunshine.

Spirit Airlines & JetBlue cancelled their merger plans .. and about 100 flights each just to show they were back to business as usual.

A 42-year-old resident of Wales broke a world record with 69 different tattoos of rabbits on his body. He started in 2009 with two, and they’ve rapidly multiplied in the years since.

Three American Bald Eagle eggs are set to hatch in Southern California, with livestream cameras set up to capture the unique event. Although bird watchers are furious that they have to subscribe to the mother bird’s OnlyFans to see it.

The NFL is considering moving touchbacks to the 35 yard line of the receiving team, in order to encourage more kick returns to keep the ambulance drivers and concussion specialists busy.

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81-year-old Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been ordered to take a paternity test to determine if he fathered a child with a 27-year-old woman. If he is determined to be the father, Jones becomes eligible for NFL Comeback Playa’ of the Year.

The Philadelphia Phillies ended their popular Dollar Dog Nights, after fans used the cheap dogs to start food fights. They’re replacing it with BOGO Dog Night, so fans can buy two hot dogs, eat one, and throw the second one at Mets fans.

ChatGPT is being used by job seekers to generate questions for mock job interviews. However, ChatGPT is frustrating some candidates by skipping the questions and telling them “don’t bother, I already got the job”.

Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani surprised the team by announcing he got married. Ohtani underwent elbow surgery and won’t pitch this season, but is still happy to have an everyday catcher.

A new supplement called ‘LeapYears’ reverses age-related physical & cognitive decline in dogs. A study compared a small group of older dogs who took the supplement, to hundreds of other dogs who found the pill in the rolled-up ham and spit it out.

Holsten’s ice cream parlor in New Jersey is selling the booth used by Tony Soprano’s family in ‘The Sopranos’ final scene. Bidding currently tops $30,000, and the hgh bidder’s payment can be made behind the building with cash stuffed into a sealed yellow envelope.

Heritage Store brand hydrogen peroxide mouthwash is being recalled for a lack of child-safe packaging. Parents are urged to call 911 if they find their toddler passed out with really fresh-smelling breath.

A Texas woman shared via Instagram the one question she asks hiring managers that she claims results in job offers “100% of the time” after the interview: ‘what does excellence look like in this role?’. Of course, the managers reply “really clean toilets”.

Wildlife journal Marine Mammal Science published never-before-seen photos of two male humpback whales having sex. And less provocative photos taken at the same time of their wives dropping their calves off at day care.

A dermatologist is recommending diaper rash cream to hydrate the face. But to still apply your baby’s diaper rash cream with your hands, not your face.

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Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.