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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”

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The centuries-old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris suffered extensive damage in a massive fire. The Catholic Church said they’ll rebuild while conceding it’ll be a lot tougher than 850 years ago finding slaves to do the work.

  • President Trump tweeted during the blaze that Parisian firefighters should consider flying water tankers to extinguish it. That plan was never enacted due to the potential collateral damage soaking nearby bakeries & pastry shops.
  • Students from Leonia High School in New Jersey were at the historic cathedral just minutes before the fire. After the fire started, they said it reminded them of home.

An Israeli man on a fundraising tour through Orthodox Jewish communities in U.S. cities infected 39 different people with the measles. The man has been hospitalized and is receiving the largest chicken soup infusion ever.

Google researched employees to find what its best teams do to stay happy. They found 3 things: Allowing mindless chatter; switching times of recurring meetings; & active listening. A fourth thing, rolling in piles of money from selling Google stock, was common to all teams, not just the best ones.

Senator Bernie Sanders appeared in a Fox News ‘Town Hall’ meeting in his home state of Vermont. Sanders was cheered by the crowd when he discussed his ‘Medicaid For All’ plan, then was cheered louder when discussing anything related to maple syrup.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson became the highest-paid player in NFL history, signing a contract paying $140 million over the next four years. His salary averages out to $35 million per season, or just over $2 million per concussion.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft appeared in a Florida courtroom, saying the police report that describes spa employees “manipulating Kraft’s penis” is so graphic that releasing video is unnecessary. The video has been requested by news agencies, and by other massage parlors for new-hire orientation training.

An Australian couple stranded 26 hours in crocodile-infested waters was rescued after etching “HELP” in mud that could be seen from the air. Rescuers persisted, even after the crocodiles had etched “NEVERMIND” in the mud below the original note.

Leaked clips of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ circulated on social media, angering superfans who don’t want to know that Captain America dies breaking up a catfight between Black Widow and Captain Marvel.

A Florida man was arrested for using a squirt gun to shoot his urine at a woman walking her dog past his home. He admitted to police that the gun contained his urine, but later denied it when attempting to return the gun to Five Below.

  • “Sure, why not?” was the reply when a reporter asked an NRA spokesman if they supported his actions.

Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli pleaded not guilty to felony charges of mail fraud and money laundering in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Through attorneys, they look forward to the last two minutes of a fair trial where everyone has learned a valuable lesson.

 

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Today is Tax Day, the last day to submit your federal, state & local income tax returns. It combines the one thing Americans aren’t very good at – math – with the other thing they are very good at — lying.

Tiger Woods won The Masters on Sunday, his first major championship win in 10 years – capping off a remarkable recovery from a near-career-ending bout with sex addiction.

The White House is evaluating transporting illegal immigrants to so-called sanctuary cities throughout the country. The policy projects to be a huge win for the owners of Megabus and the owners of children who didn’t think they could afford a nanny.

A Scandinavian Airlines flight landed 65 miles away from its target destination because of a GPS error. It turns out the pilot set Google Maps for ‘walking’ directions by mistake.

A 29-year-old man crashed his car, stripped naked, then went into a Palmdale, California McDonald’s and stabbed an 88-year-old man eating with his grandson before being shot dead by a security guard. “Some Happy Meal” said the grandson.

  • Patrons were shaken by the incident, and just as shaken to learn that McDonald’s has armed security guards.

A 21-year-old construction worker in India survived after a length of cast iron ‘rebar’ pierced both sides of his skull. Surgeons removed the bar without inflicting damage, after deciding against pouring concrete around it and leaving it there.

Lucasfilm CEO Kathleen Kennedy said that, after the release of ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ in December, there will be a break in release of Star Wars films. She’s meeting with ‘Game of Thrones’ creators David Benioff & D.B. Weiss to shape the next decade of stories, which will apparently have lots more nudity and bloody death.

The Coast Guard evacuated a 71-year-old woman a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after she showed heart attack symptoms. She was removed along with three family members, but medics refused her request to bring a to-go box from the seafood buffet.

Samantha Cerio, the Auburn University gymnast who dislocated both knees in a tumbling routine shared millions of times in a viral video, said she hopes to walk down the aisle at her summer wedding. Her fiancee said so long as she scores a 9.0 or higher on the walk, he’ll go through with it.

The Department of Justice will release the complete report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday. Democrats are hoping to schedule a crucifixion on Friday.

 

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Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.

 

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Walmart is selling 98¢ reusable bags in order to cut down on plastic. Unfortunately, most Walmart customers ask for a bag to put them in.

  • The bags have a Walmart logo, so you can let others know you’re cutting down on plastic bag waste, but still open to buying any & all other kinds of plastic crap.

Patagonia apparel is suing Budweiser brewer AB-InBev, saying their new Patagonia-branded beer is confusing consumers by copying Patagonia’s brand, and that AB-InBev’s  dumber consumers may be injured trying to wear the beer like a sweater.

A teen caught shoplifting at a Toledo 7-Eleven said he took candy because he & his brother were hungry. Instead of calling cops, the owner gave him “real” food from 7-Eleven like pizza, nachos and sandwiches. The boys are recovering at a local hospital.

Millions viewed the first-ever photo of a massive black hole, many sharing them via an even bigger black hole, Facebook.

  • Scientists had two other photos of the black hole, but deleted them because the event horizon was blinking.

The Federal Council in Switzerland said that coffee is not necessary for human survival, and is removing it from national food reserves the country keeps in case of war, epidemic or disaster. The council’s decision was made sometime other than early morning.

Newark, Delaware elected a new mayor. Mayor elect Jerry Clifton said his priorities are updates to the city’s land use rules, and continuing the never ending struggle to keep people from confusing it with Newark, New Jersey.

Tulipan, an Argentian condom company, released the “consent condom” – which they claim requires four hands to open the packaging, instead of one hand and a good set of teeth.

  • However, chimps who want to have safe sex have successfully opened the packaging with their hands and feet.

The NTSB ruled that a 90-year-old pilot died in a small aircraft crash because his 70-pound dog flying in the passenger’s seat interfered with controls during landing. The dog survived the crash, and is currently seeking to collect on the man’s life insurance policy.

A Florida man was arrested for harassing customers of an Olive Garden. Cops found him sitting shirtless outside of the restaurant, eating spaghetti barehanded. The suspect intends to sue for not receiving utensils to consume his unlimited pasta bowl.

A bull terrier in the U.K. survived emergency surgery after an x-ray revealed he’d swallowed a Nintendo DS game cartridge. Vets are thankful that the game was saved with two remaining lives on it.

 

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A Washington state man was charged in connection with a murder-for-hire plot where he contracted to have his wife killed, but the killer murdered her sister by mistake. He’s charged with conspiracy, and illegally demanding a buy-one-get-one-free murder.

An American Airlines flight attendant spilled a tray of drinks on the company’s CEO Doug Parker. Parker then asked if he could have a full can of soda and she said no.

An 80-year-old New York City man was arrested for the 1973 murder of two women in Virginia Beach. At his arraignment, he said he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling teenage relatives sending DNA to Ancestry.com.

Lori Loughlin now faces money laundering charges in the college admission scandal. A judge spent 20 minutes telling her that the charge was for sending money to a fake offshore charity, and not like the time D.J. put her wallet in the washing machine.

A social media columnist has coined the phrase “cloaking” – a form of “ghosting” where you not only stand up your date, but also block them on every social media and dating app. In other words, it’s how you treat your parents, except for the date part.

A Quebec family returning from a road trip to Florida kept driving to Canada after their 87-year-old patriarch died in the car, to avoid U.S. health care costs. They were pleased with the savings, but angry at being pulled over six times after tying him to the roof.

Uber introduced Uber Vouchers, where participating hotels, restaurants and clubs can place credits in customer’s Uber accounts to help pay for their rides and harrowing assaults.

A burglar broke into Atlanta Braves outfielder Nick Markakis’ Atlanta home last month while he was away, stealing five guns and $20,000 cash. Markakis said he meant to bring at least one of the guns with him to carry while he played right field in Philadelphia.

Walmart is expanding its use of in-store robots for cleaning and inventory, saying they want human workers to spend time interacting with customers. Walmart also said they’re updating the robots software so they’ll steal fewer Xboxes.

Warner Brothers ordered the Trump 2020 campaign to stop using music and fonts from 2013 Batman movie ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in their promo materials. However, they said Trump can use the Bane mask when he talks so it’ll be harder to understand him.

 

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A Delaware school district is banning fast food deliveries to high schools from services like GrubHub. They say the deliveries are disruptive, and that too many of the students ordering the food recognize recent honors graduates delivering it.

An avid skydiver died in suburban Philadelphia when his main parachute malfunctioned, and his emergency chute deployed too late. A makeshift memorial popped up where he landed, with mourners placing flowers and stuffed animals in the crater.

President Trump reportedly demanded the resignation of the longtime Director of the Secret Service. The Director insisted that Secret Service is a security detail, not secret service of McDonald’s late-night menu.

Upgrades to Boeing’s 737 MAX jets are taking longer than expected. New software is expected to be deployed to all aircraft, but needs to be tweaked to stop asking pilots midflight “Are you ready to upgrade now?”

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack plead guilty to extortion and forced labor related to the Nxivm sex trafficking case. Mack faces up to 40 years in jail at sentencing, and agreed to be barred from prison visits by Lex Luthor.

Physicists discovered a new phase of matter that can be both solid and liquid at the same time. The discovery was made when one of the physicists became ill eating the macaroni and cheese at Old Country Buffet.

Scarlett Johansson was taken to a Los Angeles police station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside of the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ studios. The incident fueled existing fanboy theories that Black Widow is like, totally, the weakest of the Avengers.

A Philadelphia Phillies fan is now chugging a beer out of his boot every time Phillie Rhys Hoskins hits a home run. Hoskins hit two home runs Monday night, so the habit is expensive, and more difficult now that the Bud Light has eaten through the boot leather.

Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel announced that he wants to go by John. Manziel hopes to move away from the Johnny Football moniker to his new identity, John Barista.

New York City declared a health emergency over a measles outbreak in an Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn. 285 cases of measles have been documented, with many families unvaccinated because “what am I? on vacation here? I’m busy!”

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A new study in Nature Sustainability claims particles released growing corn, or ‘corn pollution’, causes thousands of deaths every year. This, on top of millions who die from embarrassment having corn particles released from the cob and stuck in their teeth.

Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen resijned.

Local residents are outraged that a former substitute teacher in Louisiana who plead guilty to sex with three underage boys will not go to jail. Worse, she’ll serve out her sentence in after-school detention.

President Trump was criticized for nominating Stephen Moore and Herman Cain – each of whom has faced criminal charges or sexual harassment allegations – to the Federal Reserve Board. Trump dismissed the concerns since they’re serving on the Reserve board, not the Federal Starters Board.

A 51-year-old Tennessee man was arrested for killing his 76-year-old mother because she was “driving him crazy”. He was caught trying to flee the country, which in Tennessee means visiting a big city like Nashville.

Becky Lynch won the Smackdown and RAW women’s titles at Wrestlemania 35, pinning Ronda Rousey after 22 minutes, and in the process proving that there’s one more thing women are great at faking.

A suspected rhino poacher in South Africa was reportedly killed by elephants and eaten by lions. The rhinos claim to know nothing about it.

A University of Tokyo study claims 25% of Japanese women in their 20s & 30s are virgins. Experts say Japan lags behind other developed countries in sexual experience, while skeptics say the women just haven’t met the right American weirdo anime fan yet.

The U.S. Government will issue its first-ever dietary guidelines for babies, in order to lessen the risk of obesity. First guideline, no more adding Hershey’s Syrup or Strawberry Quik to breast milk.

A baseball field in Ridgefield, Connecticut will require $50,000 in repairs after coaches attempted to dry it by pouring gasoline on it and burning it. A child who tried sliding into home is now known as the Human Torch.

 

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CVS Pharmacy launched same-day prescription delivery. It works pretty well the first day, but then the day after you get lots of questions, say oxy addicts.

The third person in as many weeks fell to their death in the Grand Canyon. The last words he heard were his family yelling “I told you we should have gone to Disneyland.”

Mick Jagger underwent surgery to replace a heart valve, after postponing the Rolling Stones tour and telling his cardiologist “I can’t get no circulation”.

Snapchat added in-app games. Users can now play puzzle, adventure and shooting games using photos of their genitals.

The Mormon Church will now allow same-sex couples to baptize their children, saying that just because their parents are gay doesn’t mean the kids shouldn’t grow up to be religious kooks.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers claim a fake bomb threat was used to install video cameras in the Orchids of Asia massage parlor, with Jupiter Police citing a “suspicious package”. By ‘suspicious package’, the spa owner thought they meant an uncircumcised guy.

Amazon lowered prices at Whole Foods, saying Prime Members aren’t spending enough money there. They say if price cuts don’t work, they may change the store’s name to Junk Foods.

Microsoft changed its Windows 10 upgrade policy. Instead of forcing upgrades, it will now allow users to decide when to crash their PCs with the latest version.

President Trump said he’s giving Mexico one year to reduce drug trafficking into the U.S. or else he’ll close the border. If he doesn’t see improvement, he’s also taking away their video games.

Actress Charlize Theron said that she’s been single for ten years, adding “somebody needs to grow a pair and step up”. She’s since been asked out by several lesbians who augmented their breasts.

 

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Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.