By |

In Japan, 1,000 people were stuck in their cars overnight in a 9-mile long traffic jam caused by snow, and a guy trying to parallel park.

A hostile Russian hacking campaign is much bigger than initially thought, according to the CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, and a kid in D.C. who said Zoom didn’t work as he skipped virtual school.

Vice President Mike Pence received the COVID-19 vaccine, once Mother arrived to hold his hand.

Alabama workers at an Amazon warehouse are voting on becoming the first U.S. union of Amazon employees. They’re seeking higher wages, better healthcare, and larger bottles to piss in during their shifts.

The Securities and Exchange Commission fined online trading company Robinhood $65 million for misleading investors. They’ll transfer the funds to the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Jeremy Bulloch, a British actor who portrayed Boba Fett in the original Star Wars trilogy, died at age 75, surrounded by family and Ewoks.

Five crew members have reportedly quit Mission Impossible 7 after another COVID protocol rant from Tom Cruise. The workers said they didn’t quit, they just listened to Cruise and refused to accept their mission.

McDonald’s is putting cameras in their garbage dumpsters. The cameras are measuring efficiency of recycling efforts, and gathering feedback to see how sick raccoons are getting from eating McRib.

Winter storm Gail dumped almost four feet of snow in the Southern Tier of New York State. Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency, and the opening of New York’s first COVID-19 ICI units – Intensive Care Igloos.

Harley-Davidson debuted its new Serial 1 electric bicycles. They can reach 20mph on electric power, cost between $3,400 -$5,000, and will be used by the least-scary biker gang in history.

By |

Wisconsin’s Health Department is asking residents not to eat ‘cannibal sandwiches’. The sandwich – raw beef on bread with onions, salt & pepper – is a local Xmas tradition. Two dozen people have already been hospitalized eating Cannibal McRib.

The FDA approved the first rapid-result at-home COVID-19 test. Although many women are reporting false negatives because they’re urinating on it.

Adam Gase, head coach of the 0-13 New York Jets, answered “yes” to a reporter asking if he thinks he let the team down. Gase added that he thinks the team has let him down, too, by not firing him yet.

Google’s smartphone keyboard Gboard is adding an “enhanced voice typing” mode. Now you can just say “go duck yourself”.

A gay male Texas high-school student suspended for painting his fingernails said he’ll continue his fight – vowing to press on.

A Spirit Airlines plane skidded off the runway at Baltimore/Washington Airport on Thursday morning. No one was injured, but passengers knocked out of their aisle seats were charged $49 to get back in them.

An eight-year-old Canadian boy was embarrassed by a large red birthmark on his torso, so his Dad spent 30 hours getting a matching tattoo of it. The kid was less impressed when he found out Dad’s tattoo covered up a portrait of Vanilla Ice.

France’s President Emanuel Macron tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly symptomatic with a fever and shortness of breath. He’ll quarantine and cut back his smoking to a pack a day.

Parents from Mount Healthy, Ohio face charges after renting a bus and packing it with 60 maskless kids for their child’s 14th birthday. The bus was pulled over in nearby Mount Fluish.

Two Democratic senators introduced the College Athletes Bill of Rights – proposing a way for student-athletes to be fairly paid for their name, image & likeness. “I can’t wait to get rich!” said a delusional Division III cross-country team member.

By |

Attorney General William Barr resigned. Donald Trump said Barr will spend time with his family over the Holidays, so Barr left D.C. for Mount Crumpit outside of Whoville.

Cast members from The Sopranos will reunite to raise money for New York firefighters. The firefighters are deciding on a plan in case the envelope with the money feels a little light.

Vladimir Putin congratulated Joe Biden on his election victory. Putin said he looks forward to working with Biden, but probably not as closely as the last guy.

End-to-end encrypted messaging service Signal announced video calling for up to five people – for drug dealers who really want to get to know their customers face-to-face.

Best Buy will sell Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X/S game consoles online-only “sometime after 8a.m. Central time” on December 15th. Frantic parents can expect to be really pissed off they didn’t get one “sometime after 8a.m. Central time”..

TikTok will start hiding potentially disturbing videos behind a warning screen. Examples include scenes from horror films, animal hunting, and parents & teachers dancing.

Twitter user @jobreauxx claims a male passenger seated behind her died of COVID-19 during a flight, despite efforts to revive him, which carry a $99 additional fee on Spirit Airlines.

Pornhub removed all hosted video content from ‘unverified uploaders’. Then they clarified ‘uploaders’ are people who submit sex videos, not the men watching them.

Dr. Phil McGraw is concerned that quarantine will limit recovering addicts having in-person support group meetings, and that he’ll have a harder time recruiting people for his tv show at in-person addiction support meetings.

Workers at a Chipotle restaurant in New York claim they’ve been bitten by rats as they try to eradicate them from the currently-closed store. The rats are also unhappy that eating there made them sick from E.coli.

By |

The Electoral College meets today and will confirm Joe Biden’s victory over Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential Election. Over 130 Republican Congressmen joined a new Trump lawsuit to confirm his victory in the Electoral Community College.

Video game publisher Electronic Arts acquired Codemasters – publishers of popular Micro Machines games. EA plans to create Grand Theft Auto-type games where players can run over hookers with tiny cars.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians will reportedly change their team name from Indians. Native American leaders praised the move, saying they’ve suffered enough from their hundred-year association with the city of Cleveland.

Google suffered a service outage early Monday, impacting Gmail, search, Google Drive and other services. Although the outage was fixed in an hour, it will be cited as an excuse for “that email I never got” for several months.

Homeland Security confirmed a Russian cyberattack on the U.S. Treasury. The U.S. Mint will trash $10 bills whose backs were engraved with a photo of Donald Trump watching prostitutes urinate on a bed that Barack Obama slept in.

Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins will direct Rogue Squadron – the next entry in the Star Wars Cinematic Universe. Jenkins promises to add lots of women Rebel fighter pilots, and crew who are nervous about flying with them.

Facebook announced its new musical collaboration app, Collab, so users can create songs and videos together despite being in different locations. So far, no takers to collaborate with Lee Greenwood on his new song ‘Trump Won By A Landslide’.

A new ABC News/IPSOS poll finds 8 out of 10 Americans would agree to be inoculated against COVID-19, while respondents in the deep South said they’ll wait for a shot instead.

SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket successfully launched another satellite for SiriusXM radio – allowing the broadcaster to offer 200 more channels of Christmas music.

The UK authorized the trial use of psychedelic hallucinogen dimethyltriptamine – DMT – for use in treatment of depression. Drug makers are looking for several hundred Brits who feel depressed, but really groovy.

By |

Kelly Clarkson claims her estranged husband Brandon Blackstock defrauded her out of millions, singing ‘Since you been gone, I’m missing a lot of money’.

TIME Magazine named Joe Biden & Kamala Harris ‘Person of the Year’, becoming the first national periodical to forget how to pluralize nouns.

Over 100 Republican members of Congress and 18 state Attorneys General joined Texas’ lawsuit to overturn the election. To support their case, they provided the court with Amicus Briefs, and sack after sack of their letters to Santa Claus.

On Monday, the Electoral College will convene to confirm Joe Biden’s presidential victory over Donald Trump; but first, they will convene Saturday night for the traditional Electoral Kegger.

Target recalled over 70,000 pairs of light-up children’s boots, because parts can present a choking hazard. Customers will receive a full refund, and a bonus tutorial video about keeping children from eating boots.

Online gaming service Steam reported a new record, with one million gamers simultaneously playing ‘Cyberpunk 2077’. Multiple cities reported power outages due to simultaneous microwaves reheating Totino’s pizza rolls.

Ellen Degeneres tested positive for COVID-19. Her annual Twelve Days of Giveaways now include gift cards, trips, televisions, high fever & difficulty breathing.

SpaceX plans to test another prototype of its Mars rocket, just days after their last test rocket exploded upon landing. In other news, 10 monkeys submitted their resignations to SpaceX.

Australia cancelled development of their own COVID-19 vaccine, after trial participants showed ‘false positive’ test results for HIV. “See, we TOLD you vaccines make you gay!” said the top story on Pat Robertson’s 700 Club.

Marvel Films will not recast Black Panther following the death of Chadwick Boseman – dealing another devastating blow to the acting comeback of Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones.

By |

Alabama extended its mandatory mask order through January 22nd, which is fine with residents who don’t feel like taking theirs off to brush the teeth they have left anyway.

United Arab Emirates approved a Chinese COVID-19 vaccine, although recipients say an hour after they get it, they already want another Chinese vaccine.

Attorneys General from 48 U.S. states and several territories filed antitrust action against Facebook. Facebook states they anticipated the action, since it was organized in a Facebook Group.

A new study finds bees are defending their hives from murder hornets by lining the entry with animal dung. However, bee keepers are getting complaints from customers who say the honey tastes like horse shit.

Scientists clarified the origins of Pterosaurs – the dinosaur-era’s flying reptiles, saying “Now, when a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Condor love each other very much…”

Experts state man-made materials now outweigh living organisms on Earth. But they expect living organisms to retake the lead after Christmas dinner.

Iowa surpassed 3,000 COVID-19 deaths, as the state switched to a new reporting & counting method. The horse is reportedly pretty sore after clomping his hoof 3,000 times.

Doordash stock climbed 80% from its initial offering price, to a per-share price of $182 – or, about as much tip money as a Doordash driver can expect to make in three years.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy announced the state developed a predictive model for COVID-19 infections, with outcomes ranging from ‘Fuggeddaboutit’ to ‘Everybody Gets Whacked’.

A new whale species was discovered off the coast of Mexico – capable of carrying two tons of cocaine to the coast of California.

By |

Trump attorney Jenna Ellis tested positive for COVID-19. They would have put her on a ventilator, but she’d put herself on one after exposure to Rudy Giuliani’s farts at the Michigan election hearing.

Nevada’s highest court rejected the Trump campaign’s effort to overturn the state’s presidential election results. Trump lost the court case, and the $100,000 he wagered at The Mirage that he’d win it.

Google Pixel phones now take screenshots almost instantly. Pornhub subscribers with Google Pixel phones have already used up all their onboard storage.

Venice, Italy was flooded as a newly-installed eight-billion-dollar system of dams failed to activate. Residents quickly turned to prayer, as hundreds were heard shouting “God, dam it”.

Nicolas Cage will appear in a new Netflix show exploring the history of swear words, including recent history, as Netflix subscribers rant that they’ve raised prices another two f**king dollars a month.

CBS is developing a ‘Silence of the Lambs‘ sequel series, ‘Clarice‘. Set in 1993, the drama follows FBI Agent Clarice Starling as she helps Buffalo Bill open a big-and-tall second skin boutique.

After an ethics review, France’s government authorized “bionic soldiers” outfitted with special prosthetics and cyber-implants, allowing them to assess battle conditions and determine the best way to surrender.

A shark attacked a 56-year-old amateur surfer in Maui, forcing organizers to postpone the Maui Pro surfing tournament in the same location. “No, really, you guys should have it now. I’m full” said the shark.

Russia is telling recipients of the government’s two-shot Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccine they need to abstain from alcohol for 42 days, because it’s an immunosuppressant. So far, Sputnik V shots trail Stolichnaya shots by 1 million-to-1.

Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is being reprimanded for only completing 15 of 500 community service hours from his tax evasion sentence. The court rejected his lawyer’s claims that “looking at Snooki” and “listening to Pauly D DJ” should count.

By |

The Trump Administration declined to buy additional vaccines from Pfizer following an initial 100 million-unit purchase. Trump wanted to wait until herd immunity so he could get them at clearance prices.

President-Elect Joe Biden selected the personnel to lead his health team. They’ll direct the CDC, fight the pandemic, and remind him what pills he takes that day.

Tesla issued its Executive Diversity report, revealing its U.S. leadership is 59 percent male and 83 percent white. The only thing that’s more male and white are Tesla drivers.

TV movie ‘Love, Lights, Hanukkah!’ premiered starring Ben Savage, Mia Kershner and Marilu Henner. It can be seen exclusively during Chanukah on the Challmark Channel.

The official height of Mount Everest was raised by 30 feet – providing room for 10 to 15 more climbers to freeze to death.

Stevie Nicks sold the majority of her solo & Fleetwood Mac songwriting catalog for about $100 million, finally settling her cocaine debt with Lindsey Buckingham.

‘Wonder Woman 1984‘ screened for critics, with most posting favorable reviews, although several walked out of their living rooms.

China pulled action movie ‘Monster Hunter’ from cinemas, because of a scene where an Asian actor point to his legs and says “What kind of knees are these? Chinese””. Historians marked 2020 as the year Cancel Culture hit China.

Breakdancing has been added to the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics. Vladimir Putin just ordered two dozen Black Russians.

A 90-year-old woman in the U.K. is the first to receive the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine. She celebrated with a scone and choked to death.

By |

Rudy Giuliani tested positive for COVID-19, then lost 40 lawsuits challenging the results.

In another stinging defeat, Santa Claus threw out a letter from attorney Jenna Ellis demanding he overturn Donald Trump’s assignment to the Naughty list.

Google Maps now allows users to upload their own ‘Street View’ photos of businesses to the app. Now you can find that great new pizza place and see how it looks with a guy standing naked in front of it.

California residents are under a new stay-at-home order for the next three weeks, but most still managed to show up fashionably late for breakfast in their own kitchen.

A mystery illness causing nausea and seizures put over 300 people in the hospital in Southern India. In other news, McDonald’s introduced the McChicken Tikka Masala.

Bob Dylan reportedly sold his songwriting catalog to Universal Music Group for over $300 million. Dylan asked if they wanted his vocal tracks too, and Universal said “nah, you keep ’em”.

Disney Parks announced the temporary closure of the Expedition Everest attraction at Disney’s Animal Kingdom, adding they routinely remove guests who froze to death.

A man quarantining at a Taiwan hotel was fined $3,500 for stepping out of his room for eight seconds. Still no word on when, or if, the prostitute he’s looking for will arrive.

Melania Trump announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion, and the deportation of everyone who worked on it.

YouTube influencer Logan Paul, who knocked out Nate Robinson in a boxing exhibition match, will fight undefeated Floyd Mayweather in February. Paul will then record a post-match video for YouTube when he wakes up in April.

By |

Joe Biden thinks it would help the country heal if Donald Trump attends his inauguration, but he personally doesn’t care if Trump doesn’t go. Trump hasn’t said if he’ll be there, but as of now he’s only checked ‘Interested’.

ESPN terminated ‘NFL Live’ and radio host Trey Wingo, who’s now Trey Wingone.

Scientists think they now know why salmon have been mysteriously dying on the West Coast – they never learned how to swim.

Former Congressman John Delaney proposes giving Americans $1,500 stimulus checks in exchange for getting a COVID-19 vaccine. He claims this will help build immunity, and create part-time jobs earning up to $15,000 a year.

50 billion British Pounds worth of banknotes are missing from the Bank of England and no one has an explanation. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent Donald Trump ten boxes of Christmas presents.

A Taiwanese man lied to his wife, telling her the Playstation 5 he bought was an air purifier. She discovered and made him sell it, after their apartment set a new high score for pollen and pet dander.

A Texas high school football player was ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, then ran off the sideline and tackled the referee, concussing him. The referee entered the Concussion Protocol, and the student/athlete entered the Expulsion Protocol.

Queen Elizabeth II’s dog Vulcan died, leaving her with one remaining dog, Candy, who is now the only other bitch in line for the throne.

The FCC & FAA intend to officially ban cell-phone calls made by passengers when the plane is in flight. Although they’re considering an exception for Boeing 737MAX passengers whose jet is falling out of the sky.

Warner Bros Pictures announced it will simultaneously release all its upcoming films on HBO Max & cinemas. However, every microwave popcorn maker is raising prices to $15/bag.