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Walmart is selling 98¢ reusable bags in order to cut down on plastic. Unfortunately, most Walmart customers ask for a bag to put them in.

  • The bags have a Walmart logo, so you can let others know you’re cutting down on plastic bag waste, but still open to buying any & all other kinds of plastic crap.

Patagonia apparel is suing Budweiser brewer AB-InBev, saying their new Patagonia-branded beer is confusing consumers by copying Patagonia’s brand, and that AB-InBev’s  dumber consumers may be injured trying to wear the beer like a sweater.

A teen caught shoplifting at a Toledo 7-Eleven said he took candy because he & his brother were hungry. Instead of calling cops, the owner gave him “real” food from 7-Eleven like pizza, nachos and sandwiches. The boys are recovering at a local hospital.

Millions viewed the first-ever photo of a massive black hole, many sharing them via an even bigger black hole, Facebook.

  • Scientists had two other photos of the black hole, but deleted them because the event horizon was blinking.

The Federal Council in Switzerland said that coffee is not necessary for human survival, and is removing it from national food reserves the country keeps in case of war, epidemic or disaster. The council’s decision was made sometime other than early morning.

Newark, Delaware elected a new mayor. Mayor elect Jerry Clifton said his priorities are updates to the city’s land use rules, and continuing the never ending struggle to keep people from confusing it with Newark, New Jersey.

Tulipan, an Argentian condom company, released the “consent condom” – which they claim requires four hands to open the packaging, instead of one hand and a good set of teeth.

  • However, chimps who want to have safe sex have successfully opened the packaging with their hands and feet.

The NTSB ruled that a 90-year-old pilot died in a small aircraft crash because his 70-pound dog flying in the passenger’s seat interfered with controls during landing. The dog survived the crash, and is currently seeking to collect on the man’s life insurance policy.

A Florida man was arrested for harassing customers of an Olive Garden. Cops found him sitting shirtless outside of the restaurant, eating spaghetti barehanded. The suspect intends to sue for not receiving utensils to consume his unlimited pasta bowl.

A bull terrier in the U.K. survived emergency surgery after an x-ray revealed he’d swallowed a Nintendo DS game cartridge. Vets are thankful that the game was saved with two remaining lives on it.

 

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A Washington state man was charged in connection with a murder-for-hire plot where he contracted to have his wife killed, but the killer murdered her sister by mistake. He’s charged with conspiracy, and illegally demanding a buy-one-get-one-free murder.

An American Airlines flight attendant spilled a tray of drinks on the company’s CEO Doug Parker. Parker then asked if he could have a full can of soda and she said no.

An 80-year-old New York City man was arrested for the 1973 murder of two women in Virginia Beach. At his arraignment, he said he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling teenage relatives sending DNA to Ancestry.com.

Lori Loughlin now faces money laundering charges in the college admission scandal. A judge spent 20 minutes telling her that the charge was for sending money to a fake offshore charity, and not like the time D.J. put her wallet in the washing machine.

A social media columnist has coined the phrase “cloaking” – a form of “ghosting” where you not only stand up your date, but also block them on every social media and dating app. In other words, it’s how you treat your parents, except for the date part.

A Quebec family returning from a road trip to Florida kept driving to Canada after their 87-year-old patriarch died in the car, to avoid U.S. health care costs. They were pleased with the savings, but angry at being pulled over six times after tying him to the roof.

Uber introduced Uber Vouchers, where participating hotels, restaurants and clubs can place credits in customer’s Uber accounts to help pay for their rides and harrowing assaults.

A burglar broke into Atlanta Braves outfielder Nick Markakis’ Atlanta home last month while he was away, stealing five guns and $20,000 cash. Markakis said he meant to bring at least one of the guns with him to carry while he played right field in Philadelphia.

Walmart is expanding its use of in-store robots for cleaning and inventory, saying they want human workers to spend time interacting with customers. Walmart also said they’re updating the robots software so they’ll steal fewer Xboxes.

Warner Brothers ordered the Trump 2020 campaign to stop using music and fonts from 2013 Batman movie ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in their promo materials. However, they said Trump can use the Bane mask when he talks so it’ll be harder to understand him.

 

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A Delaware school district is banning fast food deliveries to high schools from services like GrubHub. They say the deliveries are disruptive, and that too many of the students ordering the food recognize recent honors graduates delivering it.

An avid skydiver died in suburban Philadelphia when his main parachute malfunctioned, and his emergency chute deployed too late. A makeshift memorial popped up where he landed, with mourners placing flowers and stuffed animals in the crater.

President Trump reportedly demanded the resignation of the longtime Director of the Secret Service. The Director insisted that Secret Service is a security detail, not secret service of McDonald’s late-night menu.

Upgrades to Boeing’s 737 MAX jets are taking longer than expected. New software is expected to be deployed to all aircraft, but needs to be tweaked to stop asking pilots midflight “Are you ready to upgrade now?”

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack plead guilty to extortion and forced labor related to the Nxivm sex trafficking case. Mack faces up to 40 years in jail at sentencing, and agreed to be barred from prison visits by Lex Luthor.

Physicists discovered a new phase of matter that can be both solid and liquid at the same time. The discovery was made when one of the physicists became ill eating the macaroni and cheese at Old Country Buffet.

Scarlett Johansson was taken to a Los Angeles police station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside of the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ studios. The incident fueled existing fanboy theories that Black Widow is like, totally, the weakest of the Avengers.

A Philadelphia Phillies fan is now chugging a beer out of his boot every time Phillie Rhys Hoskins hits a home run. Hoskins hit two home runs Monday night, so the habit is expensive, and more difficult now that the Bud Light has eaten through the boot leather.

Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel announced that he wants to go by John. Manziel hopes to move away from the Johnny Football moniker to his new identity, John Barista.

New York City declared a health emergency over a measles outbreak in an Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn. 285 cases of measles have been documented, with many families unvaccinated because “what am I? on vacation here? I’m busy!”

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A new study in Nature Sustainability claims particles released growing corn, or ‘corn pollution’, causes thousands of deaths every year. This, on top of millions who die from embarrassment having corn particles released from the cob and stuck in their teeth.

Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen resijned.

Local residents are outraged that a former substitute teacher in Louisiana who plead guilty to sex with three underage boys will not go to jail. Worse, she’ll serve out her sentence in after-school detention.

President Trump was criticized for nominating Stephen Moore and Herman Cain – each of whom has faced criminal charges or sexual harassment allegations – to the Federal Reserve Board. Trump dismissed the concerns since they’re serving on the Reserve board, not the Federal Starters Board.

A 51-year-old Tennessee man was arrested for killing his 76-year-old mother because she was “driving him crazy”. He was caught trying to flee the country, which in Tennessee means visiting a big city like Nashville.

Becky Lynch won the Smackdown and RAW women’s titles at Wrestlemania 35, pinning Ronda Rousey after 22 minutes, and in the process proving that there’s one more thing women are great at faking.

A suspected rhino poacher in South Africa was reportedly killed by elephants and eaten by lions. The rhinos claim to know nothing about it.

A University of Tokyo study claims 25% of Japanese women in their 20s & 30s are virgins. Experts say Japan lags behind other developed countries in sexual experience, while skeptics say the women just haven’t met the right American weirdo anime fan yet.

The U.S. Government will issue its first-ever dietary guidelines for babies, in order to lessen the risk of obesity. First guideline, no more adding Hershey’s Syrup or Strawberry Quik to breast milk.

A baseball field in Ridgefield, Connecticut will require $50,000 in repairs after coaches attempted to dry it by pouring gasoline on it and burning it. A child who tried sliding into home is now known as the Human Torch.

 

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CVS Pharmacy launched same-day prescription delivery. It works pretty well the first day, but then the day after you get lots of questions, say oxy addicts.

The third person in as many weeks fell to their death in the Grand Canyon. The last words he heard were his family yelling “I told you we should have gone to Disneyland.”

Mick Jagger underwent surgery to replace a heart valve, after postponing the Rolling Stones tour and telling his cardiologist “I can’t get no circulation”.

Snapchat added in-app games. Users can now play puzzle, adventure and shooting games using photos of their genitals.

The Mormon Church will now allow same-sex couples to baptize their children, saying that just because their parents are gay doesn’t mean the kids shouldn’t grow up to be religious kooks.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers claim a fake bomb threat was used to install video cameras in the Orchids of Asia massage parlor, with Jupiter Police citing a “suspicious package”. By ‘suspicious package’, the spa owner thought they meant an uncircumcised guy.

Amazon lowered prices at Whole Foods, saying Prime Members aren’t spending enough money there. They say if price cuts don’t work, they may change the store’s name to Junk Foods.

Microsoft changed its Windows 10 upgrade policy. Instead of forcing upgrades, it will now allow users to decide when to crash their PCs with the latest version.

President Trump said he’s giving Mexico one year to reduce drug trafficking into the U.S. or else he’ll close the border. If he doesn’t see improvement, he’s also taking away their video games.

Actress Charlize Theron said that she’s been single for ten years, adding “somebody needs to grow a pair and step up”. She’s since been asked out by several lesbians who augmented their breasts.

 

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Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.

 

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The European Space Agency said they’ll unveil a photo of Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. They say it’s the first-ever photo taken of a black hole, a claim disputed by the publishers of Black Tail magazine.

A man traveling from Lithuania to Italy was surprised to find he was the only passenger on a 188 seat charter jet. The airline refused his request for a first class upgrade.

Lauren Miranda, a junior high math teacher, is suing her school for firing her after a student found a topless selfie she took years ago. Her lawyer said she’s an excellent teacher, since the student calculated the circumference of her breasts with geometry.

The Alliance of American Football ceased operations effective immediately. It’s unclear whether season ticket holders will receive refunds, because league officials don’t know if anyone was dumb enough to buy them.

According to website Nameberry, the top ‘trendy’ baby names in the first quarter of 2019 were Posie for girls and Milo for boys. Jane and Floyd were the top names of bullies who will make life hell for Posie and Milo in a few years.

Lori Lightfoot was elected as the first black female, openly gay, mayor of Chicago. Her inauguration will be a low-key affair, with just a few close family & friends invited to a staged hate crime.

Homosexuality and adultery are now punishable with death by stoning in Brunei. The United States Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4, just for the hell of it.

After his ejection for a second technical foul, Golden State Warriors Kevin Durant called referee Zach Zarba a “bitch ass motherf*cker”. Durant will likely not lose any endorsements, recently filming an ad for his sponsor American Family Insurance saying “these bitch ass motherf*ckers can save you a lot on your home & auto policies.”

An American tourist and his driver were kidnapped by armed men in a national park in Uganda, threatening the less-than-$10,000/year Ugandan Tourism Industry.

Kim Kardashian said she’s asked by daughter North why they’re famous. Kardashian said her typical reply is ” daddy is a singer, performer, artiste” adding “Mommy..has so many talents I can’t begin to name them.” To which the five-year-old replied “I thought it was the movie of you banging that guy.”

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Police in Oklahoma pulled over a woman driving a car with a tire missing and a full margarita in her cup holder. Police told her that they could see her rim, and she told them it has salt on it.

Facebook plans to implement a Content Oversight Board to review material posted there. Board members must like kittens and be able to read & speak Russian.

Burger King is partnering with Impossible Foods to offer a new version of its Whopper made with plant protein containing no meat. They plan to introduce it with an original Whopper ad slogan – it takes two hands to toss the Veggie Whopper in the garbage.

Carly Rae Jepsen will release her fourth album, ‘Dedicated’, next month. “Buy it, maybe” said Jepsen, reminding everyone who she is.

A second female is accusing former VP Joe Biden of inappropriate behavior, saying he leaned in to rub her nose against his. When Biden’s nose touched hers, the golden retriever puppy ran away.

Magician David Blaine is being investigated by the NYPD following claims of sexual assault. Police issued a search warrant to Blaine, seeking to find the bottom halves of the women.

The Global Drug Survey – conducted with 22,000 respondents worldwide – reveals people in Britain are most likely to combine sex and drugs. Anything to avoid British food.

Gmail added a message scheduling feature. So, go ahead and write that email firing people and schedule it to send at 4:45p.m.. on the Friday before your two-week vacation.

A California couple found a hidden camera disguised as a smoke detector above the bed in the Airbnb they’d rented. They discovered it when the speaker on the smoke detector told them to stop smoking because it was tough to see them having sex.

Jared Kushner said that ex-felons in Florida – now eligible to vote – are part of ‘the new coalition that President Trump is building’. By ‘coalition’ it’s presumed that Kushner means ‘staff’, either at the White House or Mar-A-Lago.

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President Trump continues to threaten to close the U.S./Mexico border this week, now that all the Young Republicans have wrapped up Spring Break in Cancun.

Experts claim if the U.S./Mexico border is closed down, the U.S. would run out of avocados in three weeks – meaning, Chipotle would stop serving their guacamole in just over two months.

McDonald’s angered Australian customers it fooled with an April Fool’s prank announcing the McPickle, a Big Mac-like burger filled with pickles. Later, McDonald’s Australia issued a statement acknowledging the joke and saying they’ll resume making burgers with kangaroo and horse meat.

A 1915 Coca-Cola bottle, a prototype of the iconic swirling glass bottle with script lettering, is expected to sell for over $150,000 at auction. Had the bottle been stored with real Coke in it, it would have disintegrated 99 years ago.

Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B are filming ‘Hustlers’, a movie about strippers who turn the tables on their clients. Producers changed the name to ‘Hustlers’ from its original name ‘The Cardi B. Story’.

Following Bryce Harper’s mammoth home run for the Philadelphia Phillies, Atlanta Braves pitcher Shane Carle hit the next batter, Rhys Hoskins. After the game, Phillies manager Gabe Kapler said “it really pisses me off when balls go underneath Rhys Hoskins’ chin”. Hoskins asked Kapler to not do the talking for him from now on.

Climate change may melt decades worth of human poop on Denali, the tallest mountain in North America. The name was previously changed from Mt. McKinley to Denali. If global warming exposes the excrement, the National Parks Service may change it again to Ramada.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck married his longtime girlfriend Nicole Pechanec, earning her the title of Lady Luck.

Conor McGregor, who retired from fighting after allegedly assaulting a woman in Ireland, tweeted he wants to fight ‘actress’ Mark Wahlberg to get his ownership stake in UFC. Given that McGregor has already assaulted a woman, a victory would raise his mixed-gender fighting record to 2-0.

Police responding to a medical call at a Bismarck, North Dakota business found “several” dead bodies.  Officials are calling it the second-worst-ever grand opening of Jersey Mike’s subs.

 

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Caroline Spiegel, sister of Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, is starting a ‘no-visuals porn site for women.’ The site, named Quinn, will deliver erotic stories via text and audio. They’re planning to offer subscribers submersible cases for when you drop your iPhone in the tub.

California startup Lightning introduced the Strike – an electric motorcycle starting at $13,000, with a 70-mile range and a top speed of 150mph. It’s already been named the Official Bike of The World’s Least Scary Motorcycle Gang.

The mother of a Notre Dame student wrote an op-ed to the student newspaper after seeing female students wearing tight leggings to church, saying “you couldn’t help but see those blackly naked rear ends”. Notre Dame women organized Legging Day, where thousands wore leggings to class. Men of Notre Dame thanked the mom for writing.

Colorado Senator Michael Bennet told MSNBC that he’s “very inclined” to run for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020 — thus ensuring that Democratic primary debates will have more participants than viewers.

Attorney General William Barr plans to send the full 300-page Mueller Report to the White House before Congress sees it, so that they can redact ‘privileged information’. The White House will then issue a revised document titled ‘What Mueller Report?’

UFC fighter and epic scumbag Conor McGregor announced his retirement, coinciding with his being named in an assault investigation in Ireland. UFC President Dana White hasn’t given up and asked the alleged victim about staging a rematch.

Nicolas Cage filed to annul the Las Vegas marriage to his fourth wife, Erika Koike, just four days after they wed. Cage said they grew apart during the four days, while he shot two straight-to-video action movies.

A Virginia woman was arrested for embezzling $95,000 to pay for her upcoming wedding and a ‘butt lift’ procedure at a Miami clinic. “Nice ass!” said both her fiancee and her cellmate.

NFL owners approved instant replay review for coaches’ challenges of pass interference calls. It’s unclear how Patriots owner Robert Kraft voted, although he commented that he’s not crazy about expanded use of video these days.

Google pulled an anti-LGBT ‘conversion therapy’ app developed by Living Hope Ministries from its Play Store. It moved the app to its all-new Bigot Store.