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Chris Christie, in a new book, accuses Jared Kushner of a political “hit job” to oust him from possible Cabinet positions, as retaliation for Christie’s prosecution of Kushner’s father years earlier. The Guardian previewed the book, noting their advance review copy had gravy stains on it.

  • The book is titled ‘Let Me Finish’ after Christie’s favorite saying when his kids try talking to him during dinner.

YouTube is banning videos of dangerous pranks and challenges, directly resulting in the cancellation of fifty cable tv shows.

A Republican lawmaker in Missouri called pregnancies resulting from rape “God’s Silver Lining”, but only after her friend talked her out of calling it “God’s Plan B.”

Motorola is reportedly bringing back the Razr as a $1500 foldable smartphone, which is still a lot of money to spend on a phone in 2006.

Steve Carell will star in a new Netflix comedy, ‘Space Force’ — proving we live in a world where Trump’s dumb ideas are realized as multi-million dollar insults before they could ever find life as multi-billion dollar government failures.

University of Alabama QB Jalen Hurts announced he’s transferring to the University of Oklahoma. Hurts will play immediately, since he obtained his degree from Alabama in December, having completed the required curriculum of watching movies about college.

The Boston Globe reports the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox will visit the White House in mid-February. It’s unclear whether they’ll go inside to the dining room or just hit the drive-thru.

Amazon upgraded its Alexa voice assistant, so that if you ask Alexa to read out the latest news from today, her voice will sound like that of a professional newscaster- unless you ask her for sports news from Boston, Philly or New York, then her voice will sound like an annoying idiot.

The One Billion Oyster project is hoping to clean New York Harbor by repopulating it with oysterseach of which can purify up to 50 gallons of water a day before they’re harvested and eaten by New Yorkers who will vomit them back in to New York Harbor.

A mother giraffe gave birth to a calf at Disney World – horrifying families in attendance at the Princess Breakfast.

 

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The eastern span of New York’s Tappan Zee Bridge was imploded, falling in to the Hudson River. Dive crews began the lengthy process of retrieving all of the bodies poured in to the bridge’s now-shattered concrete pillars 60 years ago.

Taco Bell will test a vegetarian menu at select stores; the locations will be chosen just as soon as they can figure out where all of the broke vegetarians live.

A Federal judge struck down the Trump Administration’s plan to add a U.S. citizenship question to the 2020 census, despite the Administration’s offer to reward specially-selected non-citizens with a free trip to Mexico.

Chipotle debuts its Lifestyle Bowls for Keto, Paleo & Whole30 diets today – they’ll be sold along with their most successful weight-loss item, E.coli.

Netflix announced price increases for all of its subscription plans, with the price of its most popular plan increasing to $13. When angry customers call Netflix and threaten to go back to cable, the operators put them on hold so they can laugh.

Lifeway Research surveyed 2000 adults age 23-30 who attended Protestant churches in high school,  and found that two-thirds of them had stopped going. The main reasons were “life changes”, “pastor or church related reasons”, and “terrible wifi”.

President Trump was lambasted for misspelling hamburgers ‘hamberders’ in a post to Twitter. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders sprung to his defense, saying Trump obviously meant to write ‘frankferders’.

A Goodyear survey of young adults found that only 51% of millennials can correctly identify the low-tire-pressure light on a car dashboard, while 88% can correctly identify emojis. Car makers plan to create a low-tire-pressure emoji and text it to young adults while they’re driving.

Gymboree plans to declare bankruptcy and close all of its 900 children’s clothing stores. Beleaguered store managers are preparing for one last wave of toddler girls at the Going Out of Business sale slugging it out for that cute outfit they’ve been eyeing.

Walmart acquired plus-size clothing brand Eloquii for $100 million; Eloquii makes clothing exclusively in women’s sizes 14 and above. To align with Walmart shoppers preferences, they’ll rebrand Eloquii items as ‘Medium’.

 

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Volkswagen is investing $800 million in a Tennessee auto factory to make next-generation electric vehicles. However, they’re having hiring issues because most Tennesseans don’t think cars can really run on electricity.

Antarctica is melting six times as much ice mass as it was 40 years ago. That’s bad news for global warming, but good news for whales and penguins wanting more space of their own to swim in.

Pacific Gas & Electric – California’s largest power utility – plans to declare bankruptcy in the wake of liability costs for massive wildfires they allegedly started. The company could end up so broke, they’ll have to shut off their own electricity.

A 34-year-old Indiana woman threw 4 bras & 14 panties she’d shoplifted at Kohl’s out of a moving car going 97 mph while being pursued by police. “Wow, how many naked women are in that car?!” asked excited cops who joined the pursuit late and didn’t know what was going on.

Dutch astronaut André Kulpers accidentally dialed 911 while placing a call from the International Space Station. The call triggered an alert at NASA’s Johnson Space Center in Houston, Texas. An operator told Kulpers to stay on the line, Houston police would be there in about 5 months.

‘Big Daddy’ Don Garlits, Joe Amato and other drag racing legends will come out of retirement to drag race in the National Hot Rod Association Legends Tour. All are excited to have one last chance to die doing what they love.

Facebook is planning to allow users to message people who reply that they’re ‘interested’ in an Event. Now you can ask ‘interested’ attendees “why aren’t you coming?”

Apple’s AirPower mat – where you rest multiple Apple devices to charge simultaneously – has reportedly gone into production. Apple recommends placing the mat on a high shelf so that your iPhones and AirPods fall off and break so you buy new ones.

Spotify struck a deal with India’s largest record label, agreeing to become the largest global streaming service to offer weird, snake-charmer-sounding music.

Comcast’s NBC Universal announced a streaming tv service to compete with Netflix, Hulu and others – but which will be free for Comcast Xfinity cable subscribers. It’s targeted to people who want to lie about being cord-cutters who like lousy customer service.

YouTube updated the navigation controls in its mobile app, making it that much harder to skip through your friend’s standup comedy videos.

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Captain Travis Zettel – commander of navy submarine USS Bremerton – was relieved of his duty after admitting to hiring prostitutes in the Philippines. This, despite Captain Zettel saving thousands of dollars he would have spent hiring them in Hawaii.

SpaceX announced it’s laying off 10% of its workforce, or about 700 employees, creating XtraSpaceX.

Hawaiian Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard announced she’s running for President in 2020 – making her an even bigger household name.

A Florida surgeon was fined $3,000 for removing a woman’s kidney that he thought was a tumor. Even worse, he was performing brain surgery.

Asymmetric jeans – with one fitted leg and one narrow leg – may be the next big style trend in women’s fashion. Most women agree they look ridiculous, but appreciate having to struggle with just one leg of them.

A 21-year-old male hide-and-seek player was found dead in an elevator shaft in an abandoned Detroit building the morning after the other players had gone home. He was posthumously declared the winner.

President Trump reportedly berated acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney in a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding border security, saying “you just f**ked it all up”.  Trump overheard Mulvaney ordering Quarter Pounders instead of Big Macs from Uber Eats.

The Who announced 2019 summer tour dates. Or, as they’re known to anyone under 30, The Who?

A photo of an egg became the most-liked photo on Instagram with 23 million likes, surpassing the 18+ million likes from Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement photo last February. So the egg wins, even though the chick came first.

New research contradicts earlier studies pointing to Monday morning as the most-likely time to suffer a heart attack. Of the 2,631 heart attacks studied, most happened in the afternoon — proving that many people can’t get anything done until they’ve had their morning coffee.

Twitter is launching a new beta program to gather feedback on possible new features. “Why didn’t failing Twitter pick me to test new features? SAD!” wrote an anonymous user.

A handgun went undetected through a TSA security checkpoint at the Atlanta airport, and the passenger took it with them on a flight to Tokyo. TSA is investigating how they missed the gun, as well as the 10-gallon hat, spurs, holster, and horse.

 

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Sarah Thomas will officiate the Los Angeles Chargers/New England Patriots AFC Divisional Playoff game on Sunday. She’ll be the first woman referee in an NFL game, or  just another mom spending a Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of boys pound the piss out of each other.

Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, will testify publicly on February 7th before the House Oversight Committee, presumably to talk about his oversights covering up payments to porn stars and Playmates.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to allow a vote on Democratic-sponsored legislation to end the partial U.S. Government shutdown, going so far as to put the legislation in the folds of his neck where it can never be found again.

President Trump claimed he never said that Mexico ‘would write a check’ to pay for the U.S./Mexico border wall.  “Of course we wouldn’t” said the President of Mexico “..who the f*** still writes checks?”

Tim Tebow is officially engaged to former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.  Tebow is planning a return to baseball before he gets married and hopefully makes it to third base.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only Utah’s and South Dakota’s birth rates were high enough to sustain the current levels of U.S. population.  Census workers thanked the citizens of Utah and South Dakota for being Mormons and not knowing how birth control works, respectively.

The school board in Tamaqua, Pennsylvania postponed a final vote regarding a policy allowing teachers to carry firearms in class. Partly because they’re not sure it’s a good idea, and partly because the teachers keep failing the background checks.

The National Enquirer published text messages purportedly sent by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, including “I want to smell you..I want to breathe you in..hold you tight…” and “Good news! My penis is scheduled for delivery tomorrow!”

At a small airport near Tampa, Florida, an unidentified person was decapitated by a helicopter’s propeller Thursday afternoon.  Investigators plan to identify the victim, just as soon as their head finally lands on the ground sometime over the weekend.

A new analysis in the journal Science states the world’s oceans are heating up 40% faster than a similar study estimated just five years ago – due to more parents teaching small children how to swim in the ocean.

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A Fairfield, Ohio substitute teacher was removed from a middle school classroom after he allegedly masturbated behind the desk with students present.  School officials also confiscated the movie he was showing in health class.

A Mississippi man had his leg amputated following a duck hunting accident, when his dog stepped on a gun and it fired, hitting him. Since the incident occurred in Mississippi, the dog was not charged because he’s allowed to own & fire a gun without a permit.

Pizza Hut is expanding its beer delivery service to over 1,000 locations before summer. Pizza Hut executives say the top question customers ask when adding beer to an order is if they can cancel the pizza.

The New York Police Department closed sexual assault investigations into celebrity chef Mario Batali without filing charges – although detectives are not ruling out new menu items.

Oxford Pennant, a local business in Buffalo, NY, is hoping to improve the city’s reputation by holding a sweepstakes to win a two-night all-expenses-paid trip to the city. So far, they’ve received 28,000 entries from Guatemalan asylum-seekers.

Jeff Bezos and his wife Mackenzie filed for divorce.  Bezos then signed on to Amazon, and his ‘Recommendations For You’ already featured five different supermodels.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture reports the United States has a record 1.4 billion pound surplus of cheese. “We’re doing all we can” said mice eating queso at Chipotle.

Amazon has an under-the-radar program that sends select customers free samples of items such as coffee and dog food.  Customers writing reviews saying they didn’t like the taste of the dog food are removed from the program.

United is the first U.S. airline to take delivery of the massive new 300-passenger Boeing 787 Dreamliner. It has extra-wide aisles for dragging overbooked Economy passengers from the plane and special storage for animals that die on board.

NBC News reports that the U.S. Government shutdown is forcing the FDA to suspend routine food safety inspections. Or, as the FDA calls it, a Romaine Holiday.

 

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A Florida teacher, upset with the principal at her school, spread human feces on tables and grills at a park where the principal was to host a birthday party for her daughter. The principal considered moving her daughter’s party to Chuck E. Cheese, but decided the park was still better.

Amazon announced Amazon Key for Garage – a variant of Amazon Key where delivery persons leave packages in your garage instead of inside your front door. The move was hailed by thieves who are happy to steal your bike or car in addition to your packages.

A security camera caught a suspect, 33-year-old Roberto Arroyo, licking the doorbell of a home in Salinas, California for three hours. The homeowner, Sylvia Dungan, tapped Arroyo on the head and told him to try something different.

Users in the U.K., parts of Europe and North America were disappointed on Tuesday when Tinder went down – the exact opposite of how they feel when Tinder dates do.

A shopper in Los Angeles photographed Beyoncé shopping at Target. Or, as it’s now known, Tarcé .

The Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show revoked an innovation award from a robotics company making the Osé – a device to stimulate the g-spot and clitoris to produce orgasm- because officials said it didn’t fit a product category.   “I have a category for it” said a woman.

Passengers on an EDM party cruise departing Florida were arrested for possession of cocaine & ecstasy, in what police called ‘a layup’.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                New artificial intelligence technology called DeepGestalt can identify certain rare genetic disorders by examining facial photos.  DeepGestalt told a woman herpes isn’t a rare genetic disorder, and, no, it can’t tell if her boyfriend has it from his picture.

A dad created an app that freezes kids’ smartphones until they answer their parents’ texts. He’s now refining the app so that the phone remains frozen when the kid texts back “leave me the f**k alone”. [ h/t to K.A.P. ! ]                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Actor Josh Brolin marked his fifth sober anniversary with a photo on Instagram taken while he was drunk. The photo was accompanied by a lengthy description of the horrors of excessive drinking, but still omitted any mention of ‘Jonah Hex’.

 

 

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Snoop Dogg posted a video online, saying furloughed government workers who vote for Trump in 2020 are “dumb motherf**kers”. However, Snoop is probably overestimating the willingness of Trump voters to watch an entire video featuring a black guy.

R Kelly plans to rebut claims made by women in the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ with a new website survivinglies.com . Kelly said he’ll expose all of his accusers as liars, then probably celebrate by exposing himself.

Flu vaccines administered to kids via nasal mist are only 27% effective in targeting the predominant H1N1 strain of flu – versus traditional shots, which are almost 70% effective. Doctors encountering nervous kids are advised to tell them they’re getting the vaccine in their nose, and then jab a needle in it.

John Travolta posted a pic on Instagram with his head shaved bald.  It’s believed to be the first time he’s been seen without hair — although he kept his beard, wife Kelly Preston.

Broadcast networks are deciding whether to air President Trump’s oval office address at 9pm regarding immigration and border security. CBS has decided to air the speech, assuming their viewers will think it’s just another episode of ‘NCIS’.

Chicago’s Goose Island Brewery is offering free beer for a year to anyone who can make a 43-yard field goal – like the one missed by Bears Kicker Cody Parkey in Sunday’s NFL playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. No word if Parkey plans to show up and leave without winning free beer.

Bill Timmons, CEO of Hacienda HealthCare in Phoenix resigned, after a female patient who’s been in a coma for 14 years at a Hacienda facility recently gave birth. The company apologized for the terrible lapse in security and failure to throw a gender reveal party.

Experts speculate that illness experienced by U.S. Embassy workers in Havana – caused by piercing humming & grinding noises – was the result of loud crickets. Scientists matched a recording of the sound to cricket activity, and also cited the embassy’s location next to a stand-up comedy open mic.

Carnival Cruise Lines said it’s delaying a plan to start charging passengers for room service delivered to their cabin. Those who enjoy cruises say they’re used to seeing some free items on the room service menu, and that it wouldn’t hurt crew members to bring snacks while they’re in the cabin cleaning vomit.

An investor who owns 1.7% of Dollar Tree wants the store to raise profits by selling items for more than $1. Dollar Tree execs are reluctant to do so, saying cashiers’ math skills are already stretched to the limit making change for stuff costing less than $1.

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R Kelly refuses to watch the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ – detailing his alleged abuse of women – calling it a “vendetta” against him. Sources say Kelly is really pissed on about it.

A giant tuna sold for a record $3.1 million at auction to a restaurant owner in Tokyo. He then paid another $1 million for bread, mayonnaise, celery & onions to break the record for the world’s biggest, most disappointing lunch.

According to LinkedIn, ‘artificial intelligence’ is one of the top 5 hard skills employers are seeking in 2019.  And by artificial intelligence, they aren’t referring to lying on your LinkedIn profile.

Brazilian UFC fighter Polyana Viana said she beat up a man in Rio de Janeiro who was attempting to steal her cell phone. UFC President Dana White immediately boarded a flight to Rio to collect $40 from everyone who saw it happen.

Alabama police are warning drivers against stopping on Highway 35 to retrieve chicken tenders that were spilled on the road in an 18-wheeler wreck. Their plea will likely prove unsuccessful, because in Alabama, the 5-second rule is 5 days.

Kendall Jenner took to Instagram to say she struggles with facial acne, and to announce that she’s the new celebrity spokesperson for Proactiv.  Still no word which of her sisters will be named spokesperson for new Proactiv for Ginormous Butt Zits.

Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is the new record-holder for most retweeted post ever. He promised to share $975,000 with 100 randomly-selected persons who retweeted him. As of this morning, the tweet had been retweeted more than 5 million times, 4.96 million of those coming from @realDonaldTrump .

Ruth Bader Ginsburg was absent from oral arguments in the Supreme Court’s first session of 2019. Ginsburg is recovering from cancer surgery, and from getting hammered at the premiere of the new movie about her.

According to a new law, Saudi Arabian women divorced by their husbands will be notified via text message. Which sounds terrible, but women getting divorce notifications from Boost Mobile probably knew their husband wasn’t a billionaire.

  • ‘New phone. Who dis?’ read a reply to a wrong-number divorce notification.

Kevin Spacey appeared in a Nantucket court Monday morning as his attorney entered a plea of not guilty to charges against Spacey for sexual assault. “How did he get here so soon after the Golden Globes?” asked a low-level court employee who hasn’t been keeping up.

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Hackers have exploited Google Chromecast streaming devices, using the hack to put anything they want on a Chromecast-equipped screen. “See, babe, I TOLD you that’s how the gay porn got there!” said a man who wasn’t a hacking victim, to his wife.

Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as Speaker of the House while surrounded by her own grandchildren and dozens of other children – also known as U.S. Representatives.

The Labor Department released a robust jobs report; the U.S. economy added a whopping 312,000 jobs in December, well above what economists expected to build toys for Santa.

Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines, passed away at age 87. His body will be transported to his hometown, free of checked baggage fees.

Vicente Sambada Niebla, son of Sinaloa drug cartel leader Ismail Zambada Garcia, testified at the trial of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman for five hours about how the cartel operated. Stunned by the betrayal, his father’s lawyer asked Vicente if he’d lost his head, to which he replied “not yet”.

Despite the government shutdown, the IRS stated that U.S. citizens will still be required to file their fraudulent tax returns.

Researchers trying to determine if it’s worthwhile to screen newborns for hundreds of genetic mutations have not yet determined if the screening is useful, since the mutations they identified still can’t predict whether babies will cry on airplanes or have a meltdown in a grocery store.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced they’re planning to have a fourth child, delivered via surrogate birth mother, and then via courier, since they’re both pretty busy on the due date.

A Florida man was arrested and charged with attempted murder for shooting his wife and her parents after seeing a video of the wife cheating with his best friend. The parents regretted their choice for Family Movie Night.

Anna & Lucy DeCinque, Australian women who call themselves “the world’s most identical twins”, say they plan to both get pregnant by their shared boyfriend and, if the law allows, marry him. The boyfriend, Ben Byrne, endorses the plan, saying it’s a great way to get laid twice without having to figure out which sister is which.