By |

Hurricane Irma is expected to hit South Florida later this week. Experts are concerned that it will arrive as a Category 5 hurricane, but expressed hope that Irma will pass through EPCOT Center and die of boredom.

  • Florida residents are being told to either evacuate, or take cover in the nearest sinkhole.

Madonna told her Instagram followers that she’d moved to Lisbon, Portugal over the summer. She would have shared the news sooner, but needed time to perfect a phony Portugese accent.

A 9 year-old Turkish boy with a rare cardiac condition – Brugada syndrome – had his heart stop as he bit in to a hot dog. He was resuscitated, and finished the hot dog after his mother cut it in to small pieces.

The WNBA Atlanta Dream fired coach Michael Cooper after sending him a text reading ‘we need to talk’.

Avocado prices are soaring to record highs. Chipotle workers are now saying “a lot more”.

The Boston Red Sox are accused of stealing signs from the New York Yankees during games this past weekend using iPhones and an Apple Watch. The cheating was confirmed when Red Sox coaches congratulated the Yankees baserunners on reaching 10,000 steps.

  • Red Sox coaches admitted to Major League Baseball officials that they made pitching changes to stall for time while waiting for iOS Updates.

President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced plans to revoke DACA – Deferred Actions for Childhood Arrivals – raising fear among  ‘Dreamers’, illegal immigrants who arrived in the U.S. as children. Apple and Microsoft, however, promised to shield their ‘Dreamer’ workers, since those iPads and laptops aren’t going to build themselves.

A Swiss firm, Barry Callebaut, has introduced ‘red chocolate’, made from what it calls ruby cocoa beans. Red chocolate would join dark, milk and white chocolates as a cheap way to get through Valentine’s Day.

The Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Stanley Fischer, announced he is stepping down October 13th. Fed Chairman Janet Yellen said that she is now planning the world’s most boring retirement party in the break room.

 

 

 

 

By |

An Oregon court ruled against a dog owner in a nuisance barking case, and ordered the owner to have the dog’s vocal cords surgically removed. The owner plans to appeal the ruling by Judge Mittens.

LEGO will cut 1,400 workers due to declining sales. The cuts are expected to come from Hardhat Guys, some of whom will enter retraining in hope of finding new jobs in Star Wars playsets.

76% of respondents to a U.S. Bank survey say that if they carry cash, they keep less than $50 on them. The remaining 24% actually go on dates.

Video game maker Nintendo has updated the profile of its iconic character Mario, saying that he’s no longer a plumber. The statement was verified by Mario’s former union, who revoked his certification after multiple reports of his wearing a raccoon suit and killing turtles while on the job.

Elon Musk predicted World War III will result from advances in Artificial Intelligence, but added that as long as Trump is president, the U.S. should have nothing to worry about.

A study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences concludes that female-named hurricanes are deadlier than male-named hurricanes – saying female hurricanes know where they’re going, and male hurricanes are reluctant to get directions.

Vladimir Putin said that North Koreans would rather “eat grass” than give up their nuclear weapons. North Koreans replied that if sanctions were lifted and they could get ranch dressing for the grass, they’d think about a deal.

Following President Trump’s decision to wind down DACA and target immigrant “dreamers”, the President of the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce resigned from Trump’s Diversity Council — effectively making it the Bunch of Diverse White Guys Council.

A South Carolina couple, claiming that they suffered damage to their vision after using eclipse glasses purchased from Amazon, is suing the retailer. The suit named the Sun and Moon as co-defendants.

The NBA’s Houston Rockets were sold for a record $2.2 Billion to restaurateur Tillman Fertitta. Fertitta said he was honored to be the team’s owner and looks forward to sitting courtside just as soon as he can save up more money to buy the seats.

By |

India held its first ever Transgender Women’s Beauty Pageant. Contestants were judged on talent, interviews, evening gowns and a spelling bee.

Lego announced its biggest set ever, the Ultimate Collectors Series Millennium Falcon. The set has 7,541 pieces, costs $799.99 and will never be opened or assembled by anyone.

  • The set is recommended hobbyists 16 years of age and over who live in their parents’ basement.
  • For kids who think they’re getting $799.99 to buy it, consider your Dad the Death Star.

The average age of Dads in the U.S. has increased to over 30. The increase is driven by a higher number of fathers over 40 who are more skilled at talking women out of the need for condoms.

Sean Spicer finally met the Pope, who took a few minutes to ask him about working with Satan.

The FDA approved a new cancer treatment that reprograms autoimmune cells to fight leukemia. President Trump expressed hope that, once Congress reconvenes, they’ll repeal it.

A young father broadcast his 3 year-old child’s temper tantrum timeout on Facebook Live, titling it ‘When spoiled ass kids get told NO in Walmart‘. The video has been viewed over 21 million times; the toddler’s new show on Disney Channel debuts next month.

Wells Fargo bank has discovered another 1.45 million fake accounts, and held a ceremony to award a savings bond to its 3 millionth fake customer.

The U.S. has expelled Russian diplomats from Washington DC, New York City and San Francisco.  Diplomats in Cleveland and Detroit are asking when it’s their turn.

A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy revealed the secret to female orgasms. “Can we talk about it later?” said husbands watching golf.

  • The study cited clitoral stimulation as the key requirement to orgasm. Women reported different preferences in genital touch; 64% of women preferred an up and down motion, 50% preferred circular motion, and 98% cited their male partner touching the wrong place.

By |

President Trump returned from his tour of Houston in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, telling White House staff that it’s the biggest water hazard he’s ever seen.

Hurricane Harvey is estimated to be the costliest disaster in U.S. history, somehow surpassing the 2016 Presidential Election.

Ronda Rousey was married over the weekend to longtime boyfriend and fellow MMA fighter Travis Browne. Rousey was a total knockout in a Galia Lahav gown, a departure from getting knocked out in a sports bra and tight shorts.

  • Rousey’s next scheduled bout is ‘not tonight I have concussion symptoms from my last two fights’.

DeVry University was ordered to pay its students $49 Million in penalties for misleading advertisements. The judge ordered DeVry to just add it to their alumni’s Burger King paychecks.

A construction project near Denver unearthed the 66 million year-old fossilized skeleton of a triceratops. The triceratops claimed seniority and assumed its new role as project foreman.

A 1000-person study commissioned by Baskin Robbins claims that the way you eat ice cream can accurately predict your personality. Those eating from a cone are optimists, those who eat from a bowl are more conservative, and those who skip eating at Baskin Robbins are more confident about living longer.

Tickets for Bruce Springsteen’s Broadway debut, Springsteen on Broadway, went on sale Wednesday, with scalpers immediately commanding up to $6,000 a ticket, leading budget-conscious theatre-goers to opt for $1,000 Hamilton tickets instead.

Producers of ‘It’, the new movie adaptation of Stephen King’s novel featuring a terrifying clown, ‘Pennywise’, dismiss complaints from the World Clown Association that the movie is hurting business for real life clowns, telling them to ‘just look at the White House’.

Uber’s new CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, will finally meet his staff today; he’s expected to outline his vision for the company, turn up the air conditioning and change the radio station.

 

By |

Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.

 

By |

President Trump is expected to lift an Obama-era ban on the sale of military equipment to local police forces, as Dunkin Donuts scrambles to add tank spaces to its parking lots.

Trump is expected to tour flood-ravaged Houston on Tuesday. He’ll circle the area in an Army helicopter for as long as it takes to find a golf course that’s open.

Amazon has lowered prices at newly-acquired Whole Foods. Whole Foods reports that they’re selling so much organic produce, the Red Cross is collecting donations to feed the fruit flies now starving at Whole Foods locations.

Spanish researchers shared findings that drinking four cups of coffee a day lowers risk of death by 30% in persons 45 and older. Starbucks is now accepting Medicare as payment.

The Food and Drug Administration is said to be cracking down on what they consider to be illegal stem cell clinics. The FDA’s website posted a warning letter it sent to U.S. Stem Cell Clinic in Sunrise Florida, and another letter it sent to Taco Bell for its Stem Cell Gordita Crunch.

Walmart is teaming up with Google to allow users to voice-order products via Google Home, to compete with Amazon’s Alexa. So, in the same way that Amazon users can say “Alexa, please order a bag of potato chips” from Amazon, Google Home users can say “Google, I sure’n would appreciate one of them there bags of pork rinds.” from Walmart.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan welcomed their second daughter, August. August joins 2 year-old sister Max in a lifetime battle for Likes.

Fitbit introduced a $299 smartwatch, the Ionic, to compete with the Apple Watch. It tracks sleep and activity,  displays heart rate, stores music, and has a battery that lasts four days while it sits on your counter and you skip the gym.

Taylor Swift debuted the first single, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ from her forthcoming album Reputation. The song gives a co-writing credit to 90s one-hit wonder Right Said Fred — as Gerardo and Lou Bega wait by their respective phones for the big call.

Showtime is being sued for the low quality of its video stream experienced by customers watching the big Mayweather v McGregor fight online. Mayweather prevailed in a fight that lasted 10 rounds despite predictions of a fast finish, but it buffered for at least six more rounds.

 

By |

Ellen Frey-Wouters, an 88 year-old widow with no children, left $300,000 to her two cats when she died this week. The cats intend to use some of the money to hold a party at their house for needy neighborhood mice.

Hong Inh, a 103 year-old woman from Cambodia, received new U.S. citizenship after taking the oath in Los Angeles just this week.  She emigrated to the U.S. six years ago and boy are her arms tired from fighting off ICE Agents trying to deport her.

Police were summoned when Jon & Kate Gosselin, divorced tv-reality-show parents, argued at an orthodontist’s office over who would drive home their daughter. TLC immediately ordered 13 episodes of ‘Jon & Kate Go To The Dentist’.

Samsung introduced the Galaxy Note 8, smartphone successor to its infamous Note 7, which was pulled from the market after repeated battery fires. It features two 12-megapixel cameras, a 6.3 inch display, and a button that pops up when it reaches 165 degrees.

Mavis Wanczyk, a 53 year-old single medical worker from Chicopee, Massachusetts, claimed the $758 million Powerball jackpot. Asked what she planned to do, she said “first I want to sit back and relax.” Then she said she wanted to wreck Tom Brady’s marriage.

A six year-old boy in Louisiana found his twin cousins face down in a pool at a family party – he pulled them out, yelled for help and started chest compressions, possibly saving their lives. The boy said it was what he ‘had to do’ – to have the pool to himself.

The Secret Service spent $7,100 on the rental of luxury portable toilets for the duration of President Trump’s 17-day ‘working vacation’ at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf club, and that’s not including the cost of magazines and iPads.

President Trump retweeted a meme of his head ‘eclipsing’ that of President Barack Obama, captioned ‘Best Eclipse Ever’ – which it is, to those who prefer a cold airless sea of dust & craters to warm, life-giving light.

Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods is expected to close on Monday; Amazon says that its first order of business will be to lower prices on many items, to bring the organic experience within reach of many more arrogant snobs.

Harley Davidson introduced eight newly-redesigned cruising motorcycles, to the delight of accounting middle managers who think they’re badasses.

By |

San Francisco 49ers assistant coach Katie Sowers has come out, making her the first openly gay coach in the NFL. “Welcome to the club!” said an unnamed group of players comprising 10% of the 49ers roster.

According to a Priceline.com survey, 44% of Americans reported that the feeling they get from booking a cheap flight is better than sex. Most of the respondents were Spirit Airlines fliers, who can always count on booking cheap fares and getting screwed.

Former National Director of Intelligence James Clapper reacted strongly to President Trump’s rally speech in Phoenix Tuesday, saying he questions Trump’s fitness for office and his access to nuclear codes — especially since Trump had them all changed to ‘Password’.

In an excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s forthcoming 2016 campaign memoir ‘What Happened’, she said that when Trump stood behind her at the debates it made her “skin crawl”.  Said Melania Trump “..yeah? Now imagine the same thing, only he’s naked.”

Taylor Swift announced the release of a new album, ‘Reputation.’ The album drops in November, but it is already not speaking with Katy Perry’s new album.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is rumored to be getting a 5-year contract extension through 2024. Goodell has so far made over $200 million as Commissioner. He said he’ll continue to stand during the national anthem, because there’s no room to sit with all the piles of money around.

Actor Robert Downey Jr is warning fans of online scammers posing as Downey to cheat people out of charitable donations — leading countless gullible nerds to stop Venmo payments to Stark Industries.

Mark Wahlberg tops the Forbes list of Hollywood’s highest-paid actors, followed by Dwayne ‘The Rock ‘ Johnson and Vin Diesel — offering continued hope to all of you good-looking, muscular guys in Hollywood who can’t act.

Ferrari unveiled a new 200-MPH convertible, and a new toupee super-glue for men buying it.

Elon Musk posted a photo on Instagram of the new spacesuit that SpaceX astronauts will wear on trips to the International Space Station. It features a fully redesigned helmet and bodysuit, with a fireproof pocket for astronauts to store their last messages to loved ones.

 

 

By |

Supermodel Chrissy Teigen told Cosmopolitan that she thinks she’s been drinking too much and wants to ‘fix’ her drinking habit. She made the determination when her breast-feeding 1 year-old daughter drove her tricycle into a tree and was arrested on suspicion of DUI.

President Trump addressed the nation on Monday, saying he was sending 4,000 additional troops to Afghanistan – just as soon as work is completed on the new 4,000-room Trump Tower Kabul.

A spokesperson for skier Lindsey Vonn said that the leaked nude photos of Vonn and ex-boyfriend Tiger Woods are a “despicable invasion of privacy.” Woods was just happy to show off his six iron.

A British Airways passenger was forced to sit on a urine-soaked seat for the duration of an 11-hour flight from London to Cape Town. “Me too” said the infant who rode in the seat on the prior flight.

Snack bar company KIND dumped 45,000 pounds of sugar in Times Square to make a statement about child sugar intake and obesity – and in the process helping out dozens of bee families, hungry from a day of sightseeing in New York.

Six Flags Amusement Parks will no longer display Confederate flags. Instead they will fly six American flags at half-mast to honor park visitors who have been thrown off of their roller coasters.

German police arrested two men on drug trafficking charges, and confiscated thousands of orange ecstasy pills made in the shape of Donald Trump’s head. The dealers admitted they chose Trump’s head to let buyers know that they’d be happier but way, way stupider.

McDonald’s announced that they were cancelling franchise agreements with 139 of their restaurants in India. Since McDonald’s in India won’t sell beef or pork, you can pretty much figure out that the fries must have really sucked.

Reshma Saujani, the CEO of non-profit Girls Who Code, told CNN that women create businesses to solve problems, whereas men create companies to “replace their mothers”. The statement was promptly condemned by the Founder/CEOs of Merry Maids and Jersey Mike’s Sandwiches.

The State of Oregon, which had promised free community college tuition for all new students, doesn’t have the money and will have to turn some students away. The state’s Secretary of Education will take a gap year to figure out what to do with his life.

 

By |

A new study from the University of Missouri finds that spanking children does not change their behavior. It does, however, change parent’s behavior — making them big fans of spanking.

A group of men having a bachelor party, stranded on a sandbar off the South Carolina coast, was rescued by the Coast Guard. However the Coast Guard has suspended the ocean search for a seriously sunburned stripper.

A Japanese bar is using macaque monkeys as waiters & waitresses to entertain tourists. The monkeys bring food and drinks to the table, then grossed-out patrons summon a human to take it all back.

The Secret Service states that they’ve depleted their budget due to the expense of protecting President Trump’s large family and accompanying him on golf trips. That, and Eric Trump is making them pay for their own greens fees, carts and meals.

Major League Baseball umpires are donning white wristbands to protest verbal abuse by players, and what they claim is the Commissioner’s weak discipline of offending players. The umps may have to change from white to a different color, since many of them are mistaking the wristbands for the ball and calling them strikes.

Elon Musk has called for a ban on autonomous killer robots – which he calls a bigger potential threat to humanity than nuclear weapons. He made the statement during a keynote address to an annual meeting of autonomous non-killer robots building Tesla cars and SpaceX rockets.

NASA released a photo of the International Space Station crossing the path of the solar eclipse. NASA thanked the ISS Crew, then rushed a launch sending a new crew, since all of the astronauts on the Station were blinded while taking pictures.

Google introduced its new Android operating system, Oreo. Google begs everyone to remember that this is just named after a cookie, not anything racist.

Maine’s Republican Governor Paul LePage said that removing Confederate statues is like taking down 9/11 memorials. Maine has neither, so the Governor commissioned a sculpture of Robert E Lee crashing a giant bird into George Washington’s boat as he crossed the Delaware.

In 2020, Volkswagen will introduce a fully-electric version of its iconic 1960s/70s Minibus, a favorite of road-tripping hippies during the era, who spawned the phrase “ass, gas or grass – nobody rides for free.” The new vehicle slogan is “hugs, drugs or electric plugs – nobody rides for free.”