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A viral photo shows a baby lying on the floor of the standing room section of La Defense Arena in Paris during a Taylor Swift concert. The baby wasn’t kicked, but was treated for the several glasses of chardonnay that spilled into its mouth.

The New York Times published a detailed article about how E coli bacteria makes people sick. It begins: “.. first, they walk into Chipotle..”.

Lightning struck an active volcano crater in Guatemala, leading to the postponement of a local virgin being tossed into it.

The end of COVID-era funding and declining student enrollment are leading to many U.S. public school teachers being laid off. Although counseling is being offered to unemployed teachers by unemployed student dropouts.

Russia fired their defense minister. They’ve requested an interview with Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo.

Apple Store employees may strike, leading to a temporary renaming of the Genius Bar as the Knucklehead Bar.

A man who received the first genetically-modified pig kidney transplant died. Doctors say they can’t associate cause of death with the pig kidney, but…c’mon…

Actor Steve Buscemi claimed he was punched in the face while walking on a New York city street. Police are unsure of a motive, but appearing in so many Adam Sandler movies couldn’t help.

A study finds lesbians climax 80% of the time during sex versus 65% for heterosexual women. “See!?.. we need another woman in here to help you!” said heterosexual men swinging for the fences.

Several graduating Duke University students walked out of Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement address – most in protest of Israel’s assaults on Gaza, several because they’ve already heard the Pop Tarts bit 10 times already.

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Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole and told everyone if they want to know what he did or didn’t see, they’ll have to tune in to Punxsutawney Eyewitness News at 6 & 11.

Tesla recalled 2.2 million vehicles because safety regulators say the font size of warning lights on the driver display is too small. Tesla argued the warning lights take up too much room on the screen where drivers like to watch movies.

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani appeared to counter divorce rumors after being spotted together at a store in rural Texas. Although new rumors have started since Gwen Stefani isn’t exactly thrilled about spending time in rural Texas.

Darius Rucker was arrested in Tennessee for what’s being described as a ‘minor drug offense’, or ‘Hootie and no Blow’.

E. Jean Carroll’s lawyer, Roberta Kaplan, said Donald Trump threw papers during his deposition at Mar-A-Lago because his legal team bought her lunch. Trump then demanded the toy from her Happy Meal.

Customers buying the new $3,499 Apple Vision Pro enhanced-reality headset were offered in-store demos at the New York flagship Apple store. Several immediately downloaded a movie and were arrested for dropping their pants in the Apple Store.

A Philadelphia couple is demanding answers after their six-month old baby was left behind inside a locked daycare facility after the owners closed it for the night. The parents hope to get the answers when they drop the baby off at the same place today.

Scammers posing as a Drexel University professor tricked a candidate for a paid internship out of thousands of dollars. Meanwhile, actual administrators at University of Phoenix scam students out of thousands of dollars before they graduate and get jobs at Burger King.

A Baltimore mom and entrepreneur claims to be a successful marketing exec who’s also found $2 million worth of merchandise ‘dumpster diving’. Although much of the money is spent on treatment of wounds she’s incurred fighting off raccoons.

Fitness experts recommend doing weight training, then cardio, to maximize workout effectiveness if you’re doing both. For gym creeps, they recommend cardio first because it’s easier to stare at more people while using a bike or treadmill.

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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.

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A Michigan man is charged with placing pipe bombs at cell phone stores because he was angry about the spread of cursing and pornography. He was apprehended on the way to getting his Macbook repaired at the Genius Bar.

The search for Brian Laundrie continues in Florida, with dive teams searching underwater in swamps. Police have not named Laundrie a suspect in the death of his fiance Gabby Petito, but rather a Person-Probably-Eaten-By-Alligators Of Interest.

A Philadelphia woman grew impatient at a Chipotle restaurant, drawing a gun and saying “somebody better get me my food”. Terrified employees forgot to charge her “a little more” for guacamole.

A Subway sandwich shop franchisee and executive is accused of cheating 3,000 employees out of $38 million in wages and benefits, and of cheating an untold number of customers out of a decent lunch.

Subway’s August sales were their biggest in 8 years, following an overhaul to their menu. “Wow! I can’t wait to try it in 8 years!” said Jared Fogle.

Betty Reid Soskin, a National Park Service Ranger in Richmond, California, turned 100. She celebrated the milestone with her 100-year-old life partner, Smokey The Bear.

Extreme weather conditions are leading to 16-foot waves on the Southwest shores of Lake Michigan, depositing up to three times as many dead gangsters on the Chicago lakefront.

Microsoft will introduce the Surface Laptop Studio, a $1,599 tablet/laptop hybrid that it codenamed ‘The Frankenstein’ during development. They called it Frankenstein because it’s powered by old Zune music players and Microsoft Fit Bands.

Citing a bus driver shortage, Camden, New Jersey is offering parents $1,000 to drive their own kids to school. Since it’s Camden, parents can choose to receive their payment in cash, ammunition, or drugs.

B.B. King’s estate is angry over a biographer’s claim that B.B.’s 15 children with 15 different women can’t possibly be his, because he was left sterile from a boyhood accident. That, and B.B.’s unreleased single ‘Low Sperm Count Blues’.

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A shark of “significant size” – sighted off the Long Island coast – closed beaches there. This was disappointing to both beachgoers, and to the shark, who hoped to dine on swimmers of “significant size”.

Women are posting black-and-white selfies with the caption “Challenge Accepted”, as a way of showing support for women peers. They’re also posting “Challenge Declined” after Donald Trump asked them to make the pictures nudes.

Philadelphia City Schools announced all classes will be held virtually from September through the first grading period in November. Dropouts will be invited to a dedicated Zoom lobby to transact their usual business online between classes.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, MacKenzie Scott, says she’s already given away $1.7 billion of her fortune. Her former pool boy is now retired and interviewing pool girls.

McDonald’s is closing 200 restaurants, over half of them are located inside Walmarts. They say Walmart managers are tired of senior citizens driving their cars through the entrance.

A source close to Kim Kardashian told the New York Post that Kim feels Kanye ‘may have hit rock bottom’ – after many years hitting big bottom.

Philadelphia exotic dancers held a “stripper strike” at a public park to create awareness toward improving working conditions at gentleman’s clubs. They also gave kids lots of new moves to try out on the climbing bars.

The camera used to record Los Angeles Police officers beating Rodney King in 1991 is going up for auction, with an asking price of $225,000. Cameras used to record hundreds of other acts of excessive police violence are available for a lot less at the Apple Store.

Budweiser is launching Budweiser Zero, a 50-calorie, alcohol free beer. Exectutives are hoping to steal market share from tap water.

A 1,000-year-old natural remedy made from onion, garlic, wine and bile salts has shown promise in clinical trials treating diabetic foot and leg infections. The trials began following diabetics showing improved symptoms after blacking out eating the Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden.

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A teen boy in Buffalo, NY received a Ford Mustang convertible as a reward for independently cleaning up his street after riots and protests. He hopped in the car and left Buffalo.

Thousands of New York City businesses are reopening after pandemic lockdown, forcing tens of thousands of residents to decide if they want to give up the sweet parking spot they’ve had for 10 weeks.

Minneapolis City Council voted to defund its police force. They’ve already begun recruiting new citizen patrols by offering Free Parkas.

The White House is considering a Trump speech to the nation on race and unity. White House insiders describe the proposed speech as “really short”.

According to an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, four out of five voters think the United States is “out of control”. One in five voters think racial division, rampant disease & record unemployment are “pretty cool”.

CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman tweeted “it’s Floyd-19” in response to a tweet about racism being a public health issue. In response, high-profile CrossFit athletes severed ties with the organization and will find other ways to tear their ligaments.

Wichita State nixed Ivanka Trump’s virtual commencement speech. She then tweeted in condemnation of ‘cancel culture’, but still expressed thanks for not actually having to go to Wichita.

Microsoft is giving its Edge web browser to everyone updating Windows 10. Edge has new features like the ability to hide notification prompts, so you won’t be annoyed when your computer tries telling you your personal information is being stolen.

Following a May health scare, friends of Ryan Seacrest worry that he’s “overdoing it” – a concern echoed by everyone watching tv who’s sick of seeing Ryan Seacrest.

Monthly sales of Tesla Model 3 vehicles tripled in China – as pandemic lockdowns ended, and as Chinese drivers crashed Model 3s into each other and had to buy new ones.

An Apple Watch called police in Chandler, Arizona after its wearer fainted and remained unconscious. Paramedics arrived and the watch directed them to the nearest Apple Store for a new watch.

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Apple Store looters won’t be able to use or pawn phones, tablets and laptops taken from showrooms because of software locks – that is, unless they return for an appointment at the Genius Looter Bar.

Sony delayed the reveal event for PlayStation 5 originally scheduled for June 4th due to widespread civil unrest. However, PlayStation 4 game ‘Call of Duty – Riot Police’ will be released as scheduled.

Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol told CNBC’s Jim Cramer that stores damaged in riots can be patched up and fixed, just that it will cost “a little extra”.

Hundreds of looters rushed into Macy’s flagship NYC store in Herald Square overnight. Meanwhile, rioters declined invitations to loot a nearby JC Penney.

Police finally arrived on scene, and handcuffed less-experienced looters who made the mistake of waiting for a fitting room.

District of Columbia police used tear gas to disperse a peaceful crowd of protestors so Donald Trump could give a speech at a church near the White House. Trump tweeted that the speech was so great, there wasn’t a dry eye in the street.

Retired baseball star Dale Murphy says a Denver cop hit his son in the face with a rubber bullet as he peacefully protested George Floyd’s death. The boy was awarded first base.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson criticized Donald Trump’s handling of nationwide protests, causing Trump to cut off Carlson’s allowance.

Canopy Growth’s CEO says his zero-calorie cannabis beverages can be bigger than hard seltzer. So ask your local grocer to carry high seltzer.

A new study claims using mouthwash after exercise reduces many of the health benefits on blood pressure and metabolism. As a result, experts suggest Planet Fitness members go for plain pizza instead of pepperoni.

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Share prices in Bed, Bath & Beyond stock plummeted to an 18-year low. Executives say that they plan to end their policy allowing stock purchasers to stack coupons.

Jesuit periodical America Magazine – which had endorsed the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh – rescinded it after testimony from his alleged sexual assault victim. Similarly, Highlights magazine changed Kavanaugh’s ‘Gallant’ status to ‘Goofus’.

A jet operated by the national airline of Papua New Guinea missed a runway at an airport in Micronesia and landed in a nearby lagoon. All the passengers and crew survived. The pilot said he thought he had more room because he mistakenly thought he was landing in Macronesia.

Holly Jane Akers, 31, of Holiday, Florida was arrested for hitting her husband in the face with a vacuum cleaner attachment when he wouldn’t help her clean. The husband told police that she hit him in the face with a crevice tool, and she replied that he hits her with his crevice tool all the time.

A “white hat” hacker said he’ll broadcast his hack of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page on Facebook Live this Sunday.  Asked how he can prove that it’s him and not Zuckerberg controlling the account, the hacker said he’ll post a status saying “I’ll never sell your personal data.”

Amazon is launching what it calls a promising new product to monetize Alexa — prostitutes with Alexa’s voice.

Over a dozen people walked out of a Wanda Sykes standup comedy performance in Red Bank, New Jersey when she opened with jokes about Trump. The walkouts were offered tickets to a future show from Larry the Cable Guy, but became even more insulted.

California authorities charged 17 people for robbery at Apple Stores. They’re employees who told customers that $1.200 iPhones are a terrific deal.

A Jeopardy! contestant proposed marriage to his girlfriend – who accepted – during player introductions on Thursday’s show. He didn’t present a ring, but he did give her $2,000 and a case of Aleve after he finished second.

Volkswagen announced a partnership with Microsoft – making it easier than ever to crash your car and your car’s entertainment system.

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Nepal banned double amputees and blind climbers from scaling Mount Everest as part of new safety regulations. Officials hope to curb a wave of accidents from blind climbers tripping over the frozen corpses of double amputees and falling to their deaths.

The sidewalk outside of Apple’s new retail location in Chicago is roped off because dangerous icicles are dropping from the roof. Apple apologized for the hazard and for slowing down attempts to get its new lower-priced replacement batteries for iPhones.

President Trump invited members of the Coast Guard to golf with him during his Christmas break at Mar-A-Lago. The President thanked them for their service retrieving two dozen balls from the water hazard on a par-3.

Serena Williams returned to tennis for the first time since giving birth to her daughter Alexis, losing in an exhibition to Jelena Ostapenko in Abu Dhabi. Williams won a set, but struggled with her serve, which she attributed to a hindered motion caused by her breast pump.

Michael Neu, a 67-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was arrested and charged with 269 counts of fraud for running a ‘Nigerian Prince’ email scam. Neu also cancelled his visit to  an upcoming Nigerian State Dinner at the White House to deliver Mr. Trump’s inheritance.

Iran blocked Instagram, angering Iranian housewives eager to share their pictures and recipes for fesenjan and explosives.

A Delta Airlines flight from Detroit to Atlanta returned to Detroit after the captain discovered a small bird in the cockpit. The captain said he diverted the flight to avoid a distraction, and because the bird was holding more than 3 ounces of vodka in its flask.

NBC announced that Hoda Kotb is officially replacing Matt Lauer as co-host of the Today show. Lauer sent a message of support, along with the traditional congratulatory dildo.

The Miss America organization named past winner & former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson as its new Chairperson. Carlson reportedly wowed the Board of Directors with both her plans for the pageant and a killer baton-twirling exhibition.

The City of Chicago closed out 2017 with a total of 650 murders, a 15% decline from 2016. City officials cited improved policing, and city residents downloading the ‘My Murder Prevention Pal’ app.